World of Warcraft
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| World of Warcraft | |
|---|---|
| Designer | SnowFlake Entertainment |
| Genre | MMORPGOMFGROTFLMFAONOOBWTFBBQ |
| Version | 2.1.337.4U |
| ESRB Rating | DA - Dangerously Addicting (18+) |
| Number of Players | Over 9000!!!!!!!!! (what! thats impossible!) |
| Addiction Rate | 99% (The other one percent died from lack of social activity & sports (AKA physical activity))- mostly Koreans |
| System Requirements | 284 gigs of RAM, DRAM, QRAM and FRAM, SPAM, 54 gigahertz CPU, dartboard, 666 x 1337 pixel Monitor, braces & single parents & everyone you know avoids you |
| Inputs | Keyboard, Mouse, Speaker, Life, Soul, Cat |
“Because paying 15 bucks a month to grind is just that much fun!”
~ Leeroy Jenkins on World of Warcraft
“LOL NOOB NOOB ROFL!”
~ Average WOW fan. on World of Warcraft
“OMG u NUBS, ju shall INCUR mai wrath!”
~ Oscar Wilde as the Bitch King. on World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Bitch King
World of Warcraft is a MMORPG (Massively Moronic Online Repetitive Playing Game) which is a parody on the game World of Whorecraft, made by Blizzard Entertainment. The latest version is an MMORPGOMFGROTFLMFAONOOBWTFBBQ, or more simply put, an MMORPG, which is what most modern games are. It is based in the fictitious world of Azeroth, a warring land in which you mercilessly annihilate any kittens, rabbits, kobolds, wolves, orcs, crazed half-demon half-elves, etc. etc., that cross your path on an endless quest to gain the next level.
The challenge of the game lies chiefly in the sheer volume of animals needing to be be clicked. It is estimated that players need to click on roughly one completely packed cubic mile of animals before reaching the rumored level 80, at which time you will have lost your life, your job, your friends and have become a soulless fiend eating nothing other than donuts, ramen noodles, and the occasional Slim-Quik. Should you perchance need to rest your index finger for a while, you could always chat with other losers with no life, or sell plastic daggers to newbies for like 50 gold.
Contents |
Server types
There are 4 server types, available to all the rich people who pay for WOW:
Normal: These servers are designed for cowards. You cannot attack enemy players, and they cannot attack you, unless you make it available. Best for all of those, who cannot understand or don't want to understand, that they are weak.
PvP: These servers are designed for bloodthirsty idiots. You can attack anyone, anywhere. You only get points for killing players that are about the same level as you, but you can still go on a screaming rampage of death and destroy the World of Warcraft as we know it. Apparently.
RP: The worst of the four created for all those who neither have nor need a social life. RP servers have rules to make sure that you are, in fact, living as your character.
RP-PvP: Let's calculate: if RP means antisocial idiot, and PvP means bloodthirsty idiot then RP-PvP means antisocial, bloodthirsty idiot squared. Got it?
Private Servers: Played on by cheapskates who are too lazy, broke, or ashamed of their spouse finding the bill for WoW on the credit card statement; these illegally free servers are essentially for self confessed n00bs who can't level their characters without cheats.
Conspiracy
Although WOW may seem to be a mild and innocent game, there are conspiracy theories popping up more frequently about it. Recently, professional Conspiracy team, Mael Rozet and Kiev Simonfy have found incriminating proof that WOW is not so innocent. When interviewed, they told us the truth of WOW... Apparently the word ,WOW, is actually a secret code that when flipped backwards and copied into Microsoft Word, and font is changed to wingdings, shows a German flag and arrows pointing up to show that Germany,"the homeland of the creator of WOW" is planning to take over the world. "The evidence is absoloughtly convincing!" Says Kiev Simonfy. Also Kiev and Mael have won multiple conspiracy awards such as proving that trees are mirages.
Addiction
World of Warcraft is one of the most addicting drugs known to man, monkey, dolphin, and Dwarves. (a.k.a. WoWheads). Unlike other drugs it is not injected or snorted(although it can be if you're a lvl 70 and experienced), but played, mostly among nerds and geeks. Your momma warned you, but you wouldn't listen.
If any of the following symptoms should materialise, you need to alt + f4 immediately;
- Bleeding Eyes: Often caused by watching all the other players fly by you while you're still killing level 1 scorpions in some stupid desert. This can be treated by running into the bathroom and giving yourself a vicious swirly.
- Bleeding Fingertips: Mainly caused by repeatedly spamming the same button over and over again, if you have a severe problem with this it is reconmmended you do not play as a Mage or a Rogue for fear of aggravating your condition.
- Sexual Contractions: This DoT (damage over time) debuff is caused by being attracted to female night elves, however can be quickly cured by your average 'run of the mill' pornography.
- Death: Sometimes seen because you played WoW for 2.5 months straight, often caused by disconnecting during BWL or MC. There's no suggested treatment for this... I suppose your best bet is to hang around and wait for some nice priest to resurrect you...
Combat
Combat in World of Warcraft is similar to releasing a baboon with a crayon in a coloring book factory. There's no real way of knowing where the baboon will color, and where he'll leave a steamy pile of "hello". Blizzard designed the combat system to be fairly autonomous, but there's no real way of knowing how much damage you will do to the intended target or even if you'll hit the target at all.
Critical Strikes involves Line Dancing. You have a set percent chance to do double damage every time you attack in any way. Magic has it's own CS percentage, as does simple cooking. The ability to do double damage is about as likely as someone wanting to kill themselves so they go to the edge of a cliff, tie a rope around their neck from a tree close by, drink poison, light themself on fire, Load a gun then jump off, Shoot the gun at their head, Miss, Cut the rope, Fall off the cliff and happen to fall into the one spot with water at the bottom, which puts out the flame and then vomit up the poison and live. It just doesn't happen.
Status Effects Stun, Fear, Sleep, Charm and Resurrection Sickness are all forms of Status Effects. In some (Stun and Sleep) you can not move. In others (Fear and Charm) you are limited in control of your character. Resurrection Sickness is notably the most irritating of status effects. It is not dealt in combat, but is a result of being dead and having intense laziness. If you choose to, you can resurrect your character by a Spirit Healer, and take 25% durability damage to you armor, and be weakened by 75% in all attributes. Thus, you've become Steve Urkel.
Immune is when you just can't be hurt by the attack. Only Chuck Norris is immune to everything. Creature's attributes tell how resistant they are to a certain element. If a creature is fully resistant, they are immune to damage in that element. Again, Chuck Norris is the exception to the rule.
Bounce is when your character avoids being raped by an attack or spell. Like the other combat abilities, you can build up your dodge rating higher than Bill Clinton can dodge questions ("What do you mean by dodge?"). Again, a random roll via a percentage rating determines if you are hit by an attack. With some characters it is possible to dodge all attacks. These are called Twinks and they are hated by PvP players. Unless they are twinks or on a twink's team.
Dying
When you die you run back to your body and all is well, much like in real life. Death happens quite often in WoW, and should not be looked upon as a negative, until you reach lvl 70. After reaching lvl 70, you are expected never to die, and if you do, anyone is allowed to spam insulting macros at you, such as Spit, Laugh and Cry.
If one does die, the only way to avoid the shame of death is via quick resurrection. If you are forced to resurrect at a Spirit Healer, it is advisable to wait for death once more, as Resurrection Sickness is more commonly known as Super-Mega-Turbo-AIDS.
Honor Kills
An Honor Kill is when you kill another player who is incapable of defending him/herself. You get 50 Honor Points for killing a character your level or above. For each level below your current level, you get an additional 50 points unless you are a Rogue. Rogues receive 100 points per level. If your character appears as a "skull" to the killed player, the murderer also receives bonus points. Camping bodies is encouraged by Blizzard, and killing characters in the middle of escort quests are not only rewarded by extra bonus points, but are great fun to chat about in your guild chat.
Many people falsely believe that while in contested territory, there is an understood rule that you will not attack enemy factions while they are completeing quests. This can be signaled by a bow or dancing with enemy characters. In reality, this marks the start of a race to see who can complete their quest first and then go find and kill the character that you were having such a good time with only 15 minutes earlier.
Armor
Armor in World of Warcraft can be split into 3 categories: rags, pillows and tanks. Rags are better for spellcasting, Pillows are better for comfort and Tanks are better for defense. As you gain levels, you will gain access to more powerful armor. A similar system was originally used in the game Super Mario Bros, however Blizzard quickly remedied this by having the game creators shot.
Armor Quality
There are different levels of armor and weapon quality in World of Warcraft, ranging from Gay to Algar Puce. Gay items are the worst quality, often nicknamed "Bludywastemybagspaceargh". The Highest level of armor quality currently in the game is Legendary (Coloured Brown), these items are Legendary in quality and reputation. If you wear it, people call you a twink. That means you suck because you bought your gold on eBay, then bought your character's armor on eBay. Dude.
Skills
Defense: Increases your ability to defend yourself from formidable foes, such as Bill Clinton
Damage: Increases your ability to build dams. This is useful in PvP if you need to block a river. Currently there are 0 rivers in WoW, making the skill difficult to train...
Summoning: Increases your ability to summon demons. Summoning is performed by reading anything backwards. example b00n. This spell summons a being of no power whatsoever.
Dying: Increases your ability to die. If you have high Dying, you will die before you reach 0 Health.
Baking: Actually having little to do with the cooking of wheat based products, baking involves intense sessions whereby your character must remain in a state of utter AFKness for at least two hours.
Killing: Increases your ability to kill. When you have 24 Killing ability points, you will be able to call down Chuck Norris from the heavens to roundhouse kick your foes. This is the equivalent of God Mode.
Mining: Low budget way of making characters feel good, mining actualy consists in looking for mines and jumping of them once you find them, you can also ask a friend to jump and laugh as he dies. This is also a excelent way to raise your Dying skills. Mining cultural beliefs consist in calling your friend a noob after he dies
Gods of World of Warcraft
Warcraft has many Gods, some of them include:
Leeroy Jenkins
God of the N00bs, an immortal human paladin. Singlehandedly is known to wipe out gazillions of party members by simpily rushing into a room of mobs and screaming "Leeeeeeeeeroy Jennnnkins!" His WoW-life has been in the spotlight for many years. However, he has fended off all criticisms, with those immortal words, "At least I got chicken." Because as he was AFK, he was reheating the fried chicken leftovers, thus saying "least i got chicken"
Chuck Norris
God of Everything.. ever. He seems to be one of the most arsenal combatants we've seen in years. He takes out scores of n00bs with his roundhouse kicks to the face. The roundhouse kick is one of the only AoE's he can use, but the upside is that he is high enough level to be able to use this AoE attack. They made the trade chat channel so people could constantly talk about his greatness, but it was removed because players started trying to sell stuff in it. ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
Binladin
God of terrorism as well as anything that smells, acts, shits, plays, talks,and eats his shit.. like a terrorist. He materialises within the game under the pseudonym of Kovah. The materialised version is however lacking any form of godlike skills and only kills very very low level critters with his UbErr sKiLLZorZ!11.
Arahere
God of all that is Worldly and Warcrafty resides in the realm of Aman'thal and if often seen pwning the n00bz0r with his "uber 1337z0r" bow and arrows which seem to make him invulnerable to any other form of attack.
Soddamn Insane
God of HIV. His favorite line is "Death to the infidels, and those gnomes!" Rumors are he culminated the first HIV virus in game with Arahere, the god above him.Presumed dead. He was the one who spread HIV though out the world.....of warcraft
Twinks
They are a really common breed of fags. Found in the native forest of Uther. Know for pwning all the newbs asses in Battlegrounds. Their ruler is Helostwink. Know Species of twinks:
- Rouges
- Whorriros
- (NOT)Shaman
- Whorlocks
- Mother-Funking-Running-Hunters
The Burning Crusade
In early 2007, an expansion of World of Warcraft was released called the Burning Crusade. Burning Crusade refers to emo pyromaniac kids's crusade to set things on fire, although it as also been likened to having herpes.
Outland
The new continent added to WoW in the Burning Children is Outland. It has been overrun by Clinjas, and most quests in the area deal with killing them. The only way to reach Outland is through the Bright Portal, which is guarded by Chuck Norris. You have to beat Chuck Norris to get into Outland. This is impossible unless you have a Chuck Norris helping you. Due to the paradoxical situation involving access to the Bright Portal, it has been reported that more than fourteen keen WoW players have committed adultery and/or suicide.
N00b Elves
A new race added in the Burning Children. They used to be plain old elves working for Santa Claus, but eventually they became so n00bish (plus the fact that they couldn't stop huffing mana) that Santa fired them, and they hate him for it. They joined the Horde because all its other members also hate Santa. Their homeland is called "Quel'thalas", which is Thalassian for "Noobie area".
They're the only Horde race that can be Bubbleboys.
Adding the N00b Elves to the Horde, however, was a very st00pid move because now all the 2-year-olds that are new are creating n00b elves, and this will lower the Horde average IQ to a measly 4, which somehow increases it even though they're n00bs. However it does increase the amount of babies they eat.
Night elves hate N00b elves because they are better looking than them, this leads to many arena matches, usually involving all females and not involving any clothes... When this happens, multiple things can occur:
1. The server may crash due to over activity in one area by horny nerds.
2. Players may record the matches for viewing on YouTube.
3. GMs may "accidentally" cancel the match, causing the female avatars to have to start all over again.
4. Point 3 is unlikely due to the fact that most GM's are too busy throwing players off cliffs or disposing of their mana potions.
Chinese Farmers
A kind of weird race in the World of Warcraft is the Chinese farmers. Watch out, 'cause these geeky bastards will try to rob you!
We suspect, that these chinese farmer, in fact, originate from China. However, the Blizzard devs grew jealous of them, and deleted all of their first characters. They lost their minds, and became what we call, to this day, Koreans. They will also spend 25 hours a day in an internet cafe gold grinding until they die.
Instances
Instances are areas in the world where only 5 people can be inside it at a time. If a 6th person enters the hard drives of the original 5 will burn up.
Dire Mall
Dire Mall is a level 55-60 instance that is actually one large shopping mall. It has three wings, called The Bay, Wal-Mart and Food Court.
In The Bay, the players have to fight off defective merchandise and poor customer service, among other powerful demons. The boss is called "Customer Service", who has 427864336424 health and hits for infinite damage. The only way to kill him is to summon Chuck Norris, who can kill him before getting hit by his attack, although Chuck Norris can probably survive Customer Service for at least a few hours.
In Wal-Mart, the players must fend off evil Satanic employees, low prices and even more powerful elementals. The boss is called "Happy Face of Doom", who has only 5 health, but in the first millisecond of the battle, he stares at you so hard you just die. The stare even goes through invincibility potions, blindness and nullifies soulstones.
In the Food Court, you have to kill burgers, pasta and even stronger food. This wing is the easiest wing if you have Homer Simpson on your side, who will simply eat the food. The boss is called "Salad". The only way to damage him is to eat him, but he is poisoned so eating him will also kill you before you finish. Homer Simpson however, is immune to poison. =D
The Deadmines
This instance is similar to Minesweeper, except all the mines are dead. None of them will go off. The instance is also infested with the Defias, a group of wannabe terrorists who try to plant live mines. You have to put a flag on them. Players must give attention to these mobs because some of the are said to be elite- this means they can make suicide bombs killing all players in 500 yards blast radius.
Bosses in Deadmines
Sneed: This goblin will use his Shredder to make you into Diced Human (or Diced Gnome, or Diced Whatever). The simplest way to kill him is to unplug his Shredder, forcing Sneed to come out. Sneed himself only has 2 health, fortunately.
Smite:See the article on Smite for a good explanation of this boss.
Cookie: A giant Oreo. You have to eat him before it goes bad. The Cookie is so big, that is impossible without Homer Simpson, who eats at a rate of 100000000 tons per second. The only problem is to get Homer Simpson off the couch.
VanBeef: A big butcher van. You have to destroy it before it runs over you. A very easy boss, since you can simply pop its tires with a gun, so it can't run you over. Known affectionately as VanQueef due to his ultimate attack which is to let out a supersonic vagina fart causing 666-6666 damage to all nearby alliance noobs not wearing ear plugs.
Yag eht Fladnag: A giant pink onion flavored platipus with gills and a silly blue tale, it has never been seen nor proved, rumors say de doesn't exist, but of course we don't trust rumors.(Read his name backwords)
Ultimate Bosses
- Ragganagaros: Is the boss in the instance Molten Whore, however he is surprisingly easy. All you need to defeat him is a stick with a beef on, and 5 books about how to make mustard.
- Onyxiargh: A huge dragon that flys around wherever it wants to. Can be defeated by yelling "LOL, a bird!"
- Nefarian: An easy fight, just make him fall off the balcony.
- Ill-Dan Formpage: Is half human, half Shetland pony and half penguin (pig and penguin), His favorite phrase is you are not prepared meaning you need a condom if you're going to beat him.
- Bolvar Foreskin: Rumored to be the most rare and toughest challenges in world of warcraft ,this elusive penis has never been beaten and as a team of at least 500 people is needed to get anywhere close to victory is needed Bolvar Foreskin is one tough cookie.Such attacks as cum-shot and salami slap have been reported to hit 25000 a turn.
- Bingo Ha: The Hidden Boss, hidden in depths of Orange County, their lives a evil predator, Bingo Ha is not effected well by damage, the only way to kill him, is to dumb-found him, his damage hit can be from 80 - I don't want to be your friend anymore!!!! Damage. His Ultimate Spell, What if it doesn't rank 2¹º¹¹º, can knock the World of Warcraft Fun out of you.
- Dora the Explorer: She is overwhelmingly cute, and her pet monkey will throw his feces at you if you get too close. She is often thought of as an incarnation of Oprah.
- hogger: Hogger is one of two bosses that have the power to delete your account (the other is chuck noris). He does so when he has 98% or under life. When he gets to 99% life he summons all other bosses in the game (chuck noris included) to kill all the players in the area. He has 1,000,000,000 life so it takes more then a day to get him to 99% life. Players fight Hogger to get prepared for Dora the explorer. his loot includes some fresh spring water and some copper.
- Chuck Norris: A boss that is completely unbeatable. He has unlimited health, but that does not matter because you can never touch him. His best move, the roundhouse kick, obliterates all life within a 40000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 mile radius, and wipes your character, deletes your account, deletes WOW from your computer, wipes your hard-drive, disables all machinery in your house, and forces you to buy new ones. Only 1 guild is said to have downed Chuck Norris, the guild <We Have No Lives> on Frostmane-EU was able to arrange a 100 man raid. 20 warlocks were able to summon and enslave Steven Seagal who was able to tank Chuck Norris and eventually defeated him. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
What Blizzard has done for you
How else are they going to find it?
- Lag,
- Severe Obesity,
- Loss of life,
- Increased virgins,
- More Purchases of Hot Pockets,
- Added Shows of South Park,
- Uses of the words such as:
- Aggro,
- Horde,
- Alliance,
- Gank,
- Goblin,
- Noob.
- WTF (see Conspiracy above)
See also
- Kralnor - The great and mystical spiritual leader of Warlocks.
- Guild Wars
| World of Warcraft races | |||
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Blood elves | Orcs | Tauren | Trolls | Undead | |
| MMORPGs |
| AaTraders | Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Club Penguin | Everquest II | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Maple Story | Progress Quest | PruneScape | RuneScape | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft |
| Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III |
