Baseball
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“Lets go to first base, and then just go straight through the other ones. After that we can go to the pitchers mound. I have no idea what it means but it sounds hot.”
~ Oscar Wilde on baseball
Baseball is just like cricket for people who can't be bothered to spend 5 days playing.
[edit] History of the Game
Men in the civil war could not resist each other ( as seen in brokeback mountain), so they made huge dildos to fuck each other with and smash each others balls with them. the base system (1st-home) was made to describe how far the 2 men got with doin' each other with lubed bats. 1st base meant a good whack at the balls. 2nd was a full 32" bat up the ass. 3rd was a 36" bat down the throat while simultaneously getting rammed up the other end with a pinecone. a home run is a bat down the throat, up the ass, and having their pecker jammed into another mans ass who had a dick in their throat from another guy, and that guy had a bat up his ass and in his throat. lacrosse is a way less gay sport because it was the first american sport and doesnt involve fucking each other. Many people that have trouble with lacrosse go to baseball, just because its way gayer and nobody loves them
Ancient History
The Location : A field in Ancient Ireland.
The People : The Gaelics
The Event : The quail/partridge hunt
sweet sport
Modern History
Several ancient paintings on the walls of the Ethiopian neolithic temples showed that this game has been practised for at least three million years. In the old times, there were only two players per team, and simpler rules. Generally, the baseball itself is known to have been invented as an easily thrown way to blind cats and small children. In the present, baseball is often compared to basketball. In basketball, one must pass a ball through a basket; In baseball, one must be able to put a ball inside a military base, and then retrieve it, keeping him/herself alive for the duration of the game. The ball is made of horse hide, and must have been skinned from the horse 20 minutes prior to game time. It is rumored that every baseball holds the souls of a thousand dead children.
BALLS WIN THE CUP!
[edit] The Game
Baseball is played when a human being realizes they are not athletic enough to play anything else. The only qualification for the game is you have to have a burning love for hot dogs and crappy organ music. You can play the game professionally till you are about 85. In baseball, two teams pull out their penises and whack around some old mans nuts in order to win the HUGE chested trophy bitch. There are 70 billion players on each team. These consist of;
- glen lucero
- a guy on steroids named marco
- Willem Dafoe
- Either Jared Fogle from subway or Rosie O'Donnell
- A Pole named Gareth
- A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK
- David Totherow
- 1 thrower
- 2 catchers
- 7 givers
- 2 Force Users
- 5 receivers
- 2 bludgers
- 1 goalkeeper
- 1 seeker
- 8 wide receivers
- 2 medics
- The Mortal Kombat Kharacters
- 4 elfs ( 2 with hats)
- 6 battleships
- 12 potatoes
- 31 Ring-Tailed Lemurs
- A small squirrel in a jumpsuit
- A small Asian child with no left eyebrow
- A gay couple
- 42 Vogon Spacecrafts
- An arena full of rednecks
- 2,000,000,000 llamas
- 500 machine guns
- 2 cans of OJ
- 2.5 members of Congress
- 7 million trillion gallons of beer for the Coaches
- OJ Simpson
- 007 theme music
- 301 Spartans
- The Thundercats
- Billy Joel
- a piano
- A dude who keeps track of all these people
- a Tank
- 1 point guard
- 2 healers
- 99 Red Balloons
- DPS rouge
- a Newb ( goddamn newbs)
- Another arena full of rednecks
- 92 sharks with laser beam on their feakin' heads
- the 'bitter beer' guy
- A nerd with a labtop marked dungeon master
- Dirty Sanchez
- Miss Plaquet
- 82 Offensive Linemen
- 4 Defensive Linemen
- Paul Allen
- Captain Picard
- your mom
- a crippled kid (wheelchair not included)
- 12 Hockey Goalies
- 7 dwarves to whistle that song then eventually get eaten by OJ Simpson
- 2 4/93 cup of Human Growth Hormone
- Jack Bauer
- 10 Crack Addicts
- 3 rolls of toilet paper
- 47 hookers that are high on speed
- 999 ghosts
- a black guy
- a condom
- a Pokemon
- a wack-a-mole paddle to hit the umps after bad calls
- a van full of a family of 15-20 mexicans
- a small girl somewhere in the world who wants more than anything to come to America
- another black guy.
- a partridge in a pear tree
- and a 3 legged horse with 5 eyes
- Larry Bird's short shorts
- 3 fat guys
- Orlando Bloom
- Big Bird
- a banana
- Jack Black
- 17 midgits with only 1 eye
- a large rollercoaster
- a guy with a white beard
- President Bush with a golf club or Dick Cheney with a shotgun
- peter pan(Michael Jackson)
- 33 ninjas
- 1 ninja with a beard
- The letter Q
- Wyoming
- a fat drunk guy
- Grandma Betty
- Garfield
- Chuck Norris
- Elmo
- Ferris Bueller
- bootleg hentai dvds
- 101 Dalmatians
- 76 Trombones
- Peter Griffin
- 33 gay flashers
- The big white whale Moby Dick(mobius dikius)
- 42 emo kids w/ exacto knives
- A pyro with gasoline and a match
- 23 dead leaves
- 5000007e5684835727475696706795856856856959568468668448 Starbucks employees
- Your mom
- Steve from accounting
- The Power Rangers
- Ash Ketchum
- One racist indian named Anand
- Your mom (again)(again)
- Jesus
- Harry Potter
- SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
- Al Queda freedom fighters-last ditch effortsmen (not including bin laden, hes a coach for the Kabul Camels)
- Purple
- Andy Milanokis
- that one kid
- the jedi counsil
- A Wookie (optional)
- Dr. Gregory House with lackey (Wilson)
- Sherlock Holmes with lackey (Watson)
- The Batman Symbol
- a full tank of CO2 with a on/off valve so baseball players can spray it up their asses, and for their arms so they can get dead arms and masturbate and pretend another guy is doing it to them.
The key to winning is to make homersexuals. When this happens, the announcer usually screams "TOUCHDOWN!", then masturbates on camera. Homeruns are when the ball goes outside of the field. This can be done when the bludger hits the ball really hard, or if he hits it kinda hard but then the defender in the outfield gets all mad and throws the ball over the fence himself. And then this gets everyone else on The Sandlot really mad and then the players come out from these holes in the ground (like mole people) where they store all of their sunflower droppings, and then they start to fight.
Shakira and another washed-up former player/coach named Beyonce are famous announcers for Monday Night Baseball, which was a really long-running show.
[edit] Willem Dafoe
Willem Dafoe has absolutely no role in baseball...but he was in spiderman...really?
[edit] Pitcher
Pitchers try to throw balls at the 3 legged horse with 5 eyes for no reason, but if they're in a really bad mood, they can just throw them at the audience to try and knock people out. They also try to help disarm the mines scattered all around the field, but often get blown up. If all 15 pitchers get blown up without killing the horse, the horse gets to play on the other team.
[edit] Thrower
Throwers are considered the stars of the game. The initial throw often decides an entire match. The most famous throwers were the 1919 Chicago White Sox. The thrower also will go back and forth to get the balls in the caters mouth so they are all very happy people in the shower they clean each other. If they manage to throw the ball into a small hole just big enough for the ball, the entire field blows up and everyone but the Nerd dies, unless he is already dead.
[edit] Force Users
Since a baseball is so small and impossible to hit with the bat, each team's Force User will use the Force to guide the baseball so that the bludgers can beat the shit out of that worthless ball. Since the 1940s, the Jedi Knights have been included in baseball, and have improved the game ever since. And its a plus to have someone that could use "Force Choke."
[edit] Catchers
The catchers are the ones who catch the balls. He said balls. Ever since childhood, they are taught to "take one for the team." In history, the catcher has always been the one who takes a hit. When a kindergartener attempts a lowblow on your star player, guess who scoots in his or her low to take the blow? In the year 2039, the position "catcher" was deemed unnecessary, and all players of this persuasion where replaced by large nets.
[edit] Goalkeeper
Since there is no goal to keep, these over-protective maggots herd the llamas, and let them have a go at the umpire who always gives the call to the team with the most lemurs.
[edit] Wide Receivers
The wide receiver will rape anyone within twenty feet of him. Britney Spears usually plays this position. He is the catalyst for the whole game. If someone from the other team gets raped by him, that player has to sacrifice himself for the good of the team, else they be forced to forfeit. If the player does not forfit his nuts must be ripped out of their sack and be eaten by the losing team.
[edit] Elves
Heavy armored, the elfs stop any persecution units that might follow the catchers and shoot flaming arrows at the other team. Can realistically cloak to sneak and Cloak if a bad call isn't made. Elves often engage in stabbing non-disruptive fans in the ribs.
[edit] Vogon Spacecrafts
The Vogon Spacecrafts are put in place around the field. In case any player on the opposing team hits a home run the Vogons are instructed to demolish the earth to make way for a intergalactic super baseball field.
[edit] Congress Members
The gay suited aliens that approve all legislation proposed by the Jedi Knights( in bed and out ).
[edit] Defenders
Help stop "players" from reaching third base, if you know what I mean.
[edit] Bludgers
Armed with lightsabers, they are the secondary defence against the infiltration units, the DP. Bludgers have the task of beating the living shit out of any member of the infiltration unit which is lucky enough to get past the defenders.
[edit] Medics
Armed with a Medic Bag, Lubricants,Shock Paddles,their tongues, and Moisturizing Cream, medics are most valuable when reviving fallen teamates on the field. Sometimes medics are able to sneak up behind quarterbacks and elfs and use shock paddles to disable them. When a player is hit in the groin with a ball, the medic uses a delicate combination of lubricant and his tongue to clean out the wound.
[edit] Llamas
The llamas are used to relieve any sexual tensions players have built up during the game. (If the game is being played in any Arab nation, camels are used instead of llamas.) The reason 2 billion are required for each team is because they explode every time they are buttfucked, sometimes causing a buttfuck chain reaction that causes many more llamas to explode.
[edit] Ring-Tailed Lemurs
Using their cute and fuzzy appearance as a decoy, they infiltrate, search, and retrieve en masse. Should a team run out of llamas, Ring-Tailed Lemurs are the second-string sexual outlets. Lemurs come from Llamas.
[edit] Potatoes
The true purpose of the game is to place as many potatoes into the hoop as you can without gettin caught...
[edit] Battleships
The battleships job is to clear the minefield behind the infield. If the battleships do not succeed in their task, it is very common for a fielder to step on one of these mines, often killing hundreds of fans.(YAY)
[edit] 500 Machine guns
If a fan desperate for stardom streaks onto the field, makes a banner saying "HI MOM" or waves at the camera. The 500 machine guns will kick him teaching him his lesson of not wasting the lards' T.V. time by taking the cameras attention off the players.
[edit] The 1
Pat Williams is the only one to willingly bend over and get buttfuked in the whole entire team. Naturally , he is only one person, and he can only be on one team at a time. It is considered a big disadvantage if he happens to be on your team because he steals all the llamas.
[edit] DPS Rogue
The job of this player is to put a big ass dagger in the spinal cord of the poor bastards lucky enough to actually make it past all defenders and to the flag room. After they do this you are forced to go back to your base and bitch to your team why you have a big ass mother fuking hole in your back and how sad you are that you didn't see that coming. Also to add to the insult of basically severing your spinal chord they disappear then reappear infront of you and utter this quote "Cross your legs and smile!"kick you as hard as they can in the nuts then vanish again.
[edit] Nerd
The nerd is an important part of Baseball. At any time during the game, he could run into the baseball diamond. If anyone in the audience fails to throw and hit the nerd with balls, electric drills, or audience members, they automatically get ejected from their seat into space.
[edit] Your mom
does not watch the game.
[edit] Offensive Linemen
Rush the field every 6 and a half minutes shouting profanities, being bigots, and all around being as offensive as possible by saying shit like nigger and bitch.
[edit] Defensive Linemen
Rush the field to counter the Offensive Linemen screaming "Fuck you man, that isn't funny!" However, since there are only 4 of them compared to 82 Offensive Linemen, nobody can hear them, which just makes them more angry, insecure and defensive.
[edit] Crippled kid
Similar to the Nerd, but you can only hit him with Electric Drills, and they have to be turned on. He only shows up at 11:30 PM, regardless of whether there's a game being played then or not. without the cripped kid the hole game would be out of funnk. He has to go around and suck the players cocks to make sure they can go to the party after the game. If this doesn't happen then they will be raped by the pokemon.
[edit] Crack Addicts
They serve as the in game commentators. Imagine John Madden and Al Michaels, but with crack.
[edit] A Condom
Used by wide receivers to prevent Super Touchdowns (STDs). Since there's only one, most of the game is dedicated to the fight on who gets the condom.
[edit] A Pokemon
Using their extreme gayness, they make sure the umpires get fucked six times per game. They also counter the wide receivers by raping them. They fag it up by throwing there balls where ever there is room.
[edit] A small girl somewhere in the world who wants more than anything to come to America
Usually not part of the game, she appears only when aliens take pity on her and fly her to the game. Of course, the instant she lands on the field she gets mistaken for a llama and buttfucked, and she a splode.
[edit] The black guys
The black guys really don't do anything except go around praying to Black Jesus. Actually, until one game in 1932, Black Jesus himself often appeared and beat the living shit out of the ball. But one time, the ball went all the way up to Heaven and hit God. God immediately sued Black Jesus so he can't play anymore. However, one black guy, Barry Bonds injects himself with steroids during his home run trots, while he is in the batter's box, and while he is attempting to brutally murder the umpires due to roid rage. He also has to have sperm pumped into him because he cant cum anymore and wants to be able to have big loads for him and his gay steroid buddys.
[edit] Portridge in a pear tree
On the 28th day of Christmas, Satan appears before the Guitar God, Frank Sinatra, and prays to Jesus Christ, an aging hippy. The mix of such evil and demonic powers infuses into the ground, spawning a stupid bird that flew into some tree. A portridge has been used as the international symbol for every Hockey game, later adopted by the bastards that invented baseball.
[edit] ELMO
Elmo is hidden in one players saggy anus. once he is retrieved he must be tickled until his boner reachers maximum height. the players will then take turns using elmo as a 'super bat' until his mega erection dies off.
[edit] The Infield
The inner part of the baseball field, where the bases are. You can tell where the infield is by that big stretch of dirt usually a third of the way out in the field. Everything from there in to where the batter stands is the infield. Those lines you see converging at the point where the batter stands are called the baselines; everything inside those lines is fair territory, everything outside those lines is foul territory. It is called foul territory because this is where the players spit their tobacco juice. For all the millions the owners make every year, Major League Baseball is still skimpy about providing the players with spittoons.
[edit] The Outfield
The large prairie beyond the infield, inhabited largely by cud chewing ruminant millionaires.
[edit] The Outer Planes
Various planes of existence in which Gods and Demons as well as Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost and other supernatural or devine creatures are found. Traveling to any such plane during a baseball game will result in a penalty kick and a yellow card.
[edit] Fly Out Rule
On a ball hit into the air, the runner cannot advance to the next base until the ball is caught. To advance, the runner must return to his base and touch it, or tagging up, as it's called, and then wait for the opposing player to catch the ball. The runner can use this time to ask the opposing infielder for some money, maybe ten or twenty bucks, you know, just enough to tide him over until payday, or for the loan of his comb, since running the bases does tend to make you look scruffy and this is hardly the image you want to present to the television audience. Once the opposing player catches the ball, the runner can advance if he thinks he can do this safely. Sometimes a batter will hit a fly ball far enough into the outfield that a player can tag up and then run to the next base in relative safety. When this happens, the batter is credited with a sacrifice fly, which, despite its name, has no religious implications whatsoever. This is Major League Baseball's story and they are going to stick to it, no matter how many Dominican Santeria priests you see wandering into the clubhouse with coops full of chickens. The players like fresh eggs and don't let anyone tell you any different. Jake is better then jew's!!
[edit] Batter
A man who makes what I make in a year in the amount of time it takes him to adjust his jockstrap, and that's without him trying to hit a ball. If he manages to do this three times out of every ten times attempted, he is a good hitter. This may work in baseball, but if the doctor your best friend recommends has a similar average vis-a-vis the survivability of his patients, you may want to get a second opinion about that growth on your left leg.
[edit] Balk
No one really knows what the hell a balk is; even the umpires aren't all that sure and they've read the rule book, or so they say; sometimes you get the impression they just looked at the pictures; but like pornography, we all know a balk when we see it. Balks have something to do with the pitcher, who is the gentleman standing on that mound of dirt in the middle of the field, moving and then stopping or stopping and then moving without checking if there's a red light at this intersection, thereby causing gridlock from one end of town to the other. Before you try this in your own automobile you may want to check traffic conditions in your area.
[edit] Stealing Bases
In baseball it is possible to engage in larceny without incurring the wrath of the local constabulary. One steals a base by waiting for the pitcher to throw the ball and then running to the next base. If you reach it, all is well. However, the catcher will not let you do this without throwing the ball to the second baseman and trying to catch you in the act. If you try to do this in Detroit, however, supporters of your team will call you nine different kinds of moron as they sit on their barstools. No one steals against Pudge. No one. The fact that you even tried proves that you are an idiot.
[edit] Famous Matches
- USA Chicago Cows vs URRSRSS Leningrad Стрелки
- It lasted for three months, and all of the 62 DPs were lost during the match.
- Famous Players:
- Abe Lincoln | Joan D'arc | The Pope | Oprah's twice removed cousin Jamal and Obi Wan Kanobi
- Iraq Saddam Privates vs Osama's Al Quaeda
- Secretly funded by the USA, this grand match only lasted for eight hours, but it was enough to mark it forever in our memories. It is the only known match in which every player on both teams were killed, leading to a tie.
- Famous Players:
- George W. Bush | Osama's Aunt Josepha | DP n° 27
- Brown, et al vs Board of Education
- In a play controversial to this day, Team Brown upset the Topeka Board of Education by bringing in a series of "pro-bono" attorneys (attorneys in favor of U2's long-winded musical rambligs) as Throwers. Their vocal tirades proved too long and the Topeka Board walked off the field, citing boredom.
- USA vs CSA
- In a shocking four year game, the Southern states decided they wanted more than Hillbillies and NASCAR. They armed they wide recivers with Pokemon, which killed off much of the North. But then the North dropped a nuke on the field, and killed the South and Dale Earnhardt.
[edit] Baseball in other countries
Baseball is also a popular sport in other places, like Japan and Australia. In the later, because of lack of resources, they play with large coconuts instead of baseballs. Rather than steroids, foreign players are reduced to beaver tranquilizers and horse viagra. Effects haven't been studied and as soon as they are, U.S. players will already be using them. This information, of course won't be discovered until 2015.
[edit] Urban Legends about Baseball
It is well known that in the 1960s that Bush was nearly obsessed with baseball. According to one witness, during a game, Bush was glad that his dad was not at the game, because bush did not want his dad to know that he was not good at scoring, and was better in the field, but at the end of the game, bush realised that his dad was watching the whole time. Upon close analysis, however, this was proven to be implausible.
[edit] Famous Players
- Mrs. Butterworth | Jacques Cousteau | Dwight D. Eisenhower | Mick Jagger | Chuck Norris !!! Ben Dover Abby Birthday George Foreman
Abner Dubbleplay
[edit] Popular Players
- Mike Piazza
- Ken Griffey, Jr.
- Derek Jeter
- Sal Fasano
- Charlie Brown
- Rickey Henderson
- Steve Howe
- Sal Fasano
- Rob Ellis
- Sal Fasano
- George W. Bush
- Anyone on steriods
- David Totherow
- Charlie Sheen
- Sal Fasano
- Bucky Dent
- Darryl Strawberry
- Ethan Laurie
- Jake Hagara
- Jordan Agee
- Charles Manson
- Chewbacca
[edit] Retarded Players
- Barry Bonds
- Ben Burns
- Pedo Bear
- Amanda Huginkiss
- Amanda Bynes
- Chase Ezzel
- Larry the Cable Guy
- Roger Clemens
[edit] Popularity as a Spectator Sport
Nobody watches baseball. They are there for the hotdogs and drinks. they use the $8 hotdogs as cheap disposable dildos, and use the drinks to pour over their bodies so they look attractive to the other gay baseball fans that are raming fenway franks up their ass while the watch the baseball players orgy on the field.
I Have No Clue Which Is More Exiting Baseball Or Golf I Mean They Are The Mens Sports Football And Wrestling Obliviously Suck
