World War V

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“I've covered this war.”

~ Frank West on World War V

“Bring me my 12 gauge...Bring it now, woman!!!”

~ Winston Churchill

“It's not my fault...it's glandular. I can't go to war anyway, i need 2 seats on the plane.”

~ Average American

“Those bastards spilt my pint, get 'em lads”

~ Some Irish guy in a pub

http://uncyclopedia.org/index.php?title=World_War_V&action=submit “If you had just killed all the Germans like I suggested, we wouldn't still be fighting a world war.”

~ George W. Bush on WWV

World War V
One of the many "Evil" bases.
Conflict: World War V
Date: 2054-2072
Place: Global
Outcome: Germany Loses, The UK invades France, the USA "can't be bothered with this shit anymore" and just stay at home.
Combatants
Good Taiwan France Armenia Russia (Those Pussies) Germany (again)	Evil Canada Jesusland, England Land featuring Scotland USA
Commanders
General Fredbird	Emperor Palpatine's Clone
Strength
1.300,000,000,000 troops 2.100,000,000,000,000 chickens (for the chicken gun)	1.Ten Bunnies 2.100,000 Canadians 3.5 English Danishes 4. 10 million Yankees fans.
Casualties
3 million troops and 1,000,000,000 civilians.	3 billion trees and 3 bunnies.

World War V, known on promotional posters as "W²5" is the long awaited sequel to World Wars I, II, III and IV, lasting from 2054-2072. It will star Jar Jar Binks and Ludwig van Beethoven in an apocalyptic musical extravaganza. The Four Horsemen and Chuck Norris will cameo. Warries, as fans of the World War series are known, cite this episode more than any other as evidence in their 'even ones are great, odd ones suck' argument. It will be the first war released simultaneously to theatres, HD-DVD, Blu-Ray, and Betamax.

1 The war begins
2 The Battle of St. Louis
3 War in Europe
4 Further events
5 The end of the war

[edit] The war begins

In 2054, United States will send Robert Titor (Son of John Titor) to go back to 1942, and bring Hitler to the present time. Hitler wins election of 2054 with vice president and scientific genuis, Mario, and he becomes United States' 55th president. He then declares war on Antarctica (Population: 6,000,001.3) and the United Kingdom. His initiative is strongly backed by Byron Tilo, a shady agricultural assasin from California who gives Hitler billions of dollars to build his armies. The war begins with the invasion of Antartica and leading an army of only penguins, Colonel Joe Truppa is the first to die. Also, during that time, New York is wiped of all life by a virus that was supposed to cure sex, but then it made all the people into Vampires. Luckily though, A black man and his dog find a cure and manage to give it to a group of survivors who then save the world. Hilarity ensues when the black man dies.

[edit] The Battle of St. Louis

The same year, a clone of Emperor Palpatine becomes Pope and renames himself Benedict XXL (for he is large due to a cloning accident). Soon after, the Vatican joins the war on the side of Antarctica and the United Kingdom. Pope Bendict XXL (for he is large) sends a LARGE and vast army of Imperial Stormpoopers led by Cardinals and Bishops to invade St. Louis, Missouri. The Vatican Army arrives outside the city of St. Louis on February 30, 2065 with 600 AT-AT geriatric walkers. However, the aging Cardinals are already eagerly awaited by their counterparts, the St. Louis Cardinals under supreme command of Six-Star-General and World War IV hero Fredbird. The ensuing battle becomes the greatest spectacle since the World Series, the World Cups and all previous World Wars. Several thousand onlookers and anti-war protesters get killed, injured or deep fried. Most of Pope Benedict XXL's (for he is large) small, senile officers die rather from heart attacks and strokes than from battle injuries. Now without leadership, the Stormpoopers do what they could best: they poop in their pants. As the last survivors surrender to the baseball bat wielding soldiers of General Fredbird, Pope Benedict XXL (for he is large) uses his (unusually large) lightsaber to commit Harakiri. He is succeeded by Michael Jackson's face in a jar, because the cloning facilities to grow Palpatine clones were leveled in an airstrike led by the sissy penguins. Jackson's face ends the Alliance with England and Antarctica and focuses on rebuilding the Vatican.

[edit] War in Europe

While the situation in St. Louis surfaces, intense battle breaks out in Europe.

A group of visiting students from Kazakhstan decides to give the German Black Forest a paint job. The Germans, enraged over the prank and the now red forest, declare war on Russia. The Kazakhs launch 10,000 stolen nuclear missiles and destroy the Hofbrauhaus in Munich. However, because the totally outdated targeting Computer that still runs on Winblows 98 that lags like a bitch, crashes during the launch sequence, half of the missiles miss their target. They happen to hit Russia itself, killing 12,000 soldier and 85.5 airfield.

Germany then annexed Finland, and Texas. A group of mad German scientists develops several superweapons, such as the sonata launcher, the Schnitzelwerfer, an amphibious vacuum cleaner and an inflatable cranberry based on Zeppelin-technology. However, most of these superweapons are destroyed or sabotaged by a russian commando unit called "the seven dwarfes" before they come to use. The sonata launcher was the last to be found and destroyed as anyone who came near it was forced to listen to lengthy sonatas composed by Mozart.

Norway takes control over of the world in summer 2067 thanks to Elvis Presley, some fanatic muslims and a whale, but they loses it in the winter of 2068. When the Germans realises that, they attack the Norwegians just to make sure that they "stop messing with the big boys". No, wait, it's actually just for fun.

Switzerland claims to be neutral, but sells weapons such as Swiss Pocket Knifes and Swiss Cheese to both sides.

While everybody else is focusing on more important things, Nigeria conquers the absolutely unimportant and completely useless Nation of Monaco and forces its inhabitants to slave labor in banana plantations.

France, with its white flags lying in the storage, becomes afraid that it will not be able to surrender this time. As Germany is more concerned with other matters, the French government promptly creates a revolutionary group to surrender to.

Also Russia is still a bunch of pussies.

[edit] Further events

Detroit and Seattle get sacked by armies of blundering penguins from Antarctica. So do the Corporate Headquaters of MicroBrainSoft.

And also Matt Groening dies during the War, as he is an easy target with his yellow skin, which could be spotted miles away. All Simpsons characters get really enraged by this although all the drawings burnt in a factoryfire ignited by Mongolesian apes.

During a naval battle near the coast of Scotchland, the English navy loses a quarter of its ships and many officers and sailors lose their lives. While recruiting new sailors and building new ships are not problematic, finding and training qualified officers to command the ships is difficult, since the naval academy had been bombed a week earlier. The English navy finally solves the problem by drafting cartoon characters to fill command positions.

In July of 2069, the US Airforce, together with Delta Airlines and Pan Am (Not to be confused with Pam An, Pamela Anderson), bomb Antarctica to pieces. Since Delta Airlines and Pan Am have no bombs, they drop overweight passengers. Hundreds of thousands of Bi-Polar Bears lose their summer homes in the bombardment and have to return to the Arctic.

As a counter to the United States attack, the Antarticans mobilize their air force and attempt to bomb the shit out of the Midwest. Unfortunately, due to poor planning, the bombers are supplied with no actual bombs and crews are forced to improvise with whatever they can find lying around. After several experimental sorties, the preferred munition for the Antartican forces becomes Atheists, as their words cause the god-fearing people of he Midwest to burn up leaving only the generally anti-war liberal atheists and agnostics.

[edit] The end of the war

The war finally ends in 2072 when John Lennon raises from the dead due to the noise of several thousand detonating warheads. He reunites the Beatles as well as North and South Korea and negotiates a peace treaty between the warring countries. Unfortunately, Paul McCartney really does die during the negotiations and is replaced by a truly lame Uncyclopedia featured article.

Germany is declared loser and has to return Texas to the United States, and give Norway to Sweden but is allowed to keep Finland for use as landfills under the promise not to get involved in another World War. The U.S. signs a treaty with Mexico, allowing it to take over Northern Mexico, renaming it Mexicoland, the 32nd State. Nevada ceases to exist and is replaced by Robo-Amsterdam 23, a Nevada-shaped province in the Carpathian Mountains in which every conceivable action is legal (except Rob Schneider). Quebec becomes a territory of the U.S.A. Russia splits into the weak and useless East Russia and the pussy West Russia, as a result of the Bubble Wrap incident in March 2068.

One year later in October of 2069 West Russia colapses into itself resulting the most hilarious run of comedy sketches since "Moses saves the Jewbags!".

World Wars