Worst 100 Direct-to-Video Movies of All Time

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This is the list of the worst 100 Direct-to-video movies according to the supreme decree of Allah, God, Kim Jong Ill and many other deities. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.

Contents 1 Criterion and Considerations of the List 1.1 What is a direct-to-video movie? 1.2 So if all direct-to-video movies are bad, why is there a list for the 100 worst Direct-to-video movies? 1.3 What makes a bad animated direct-to-video movie? 1.4 What makes a bad live-action direct-to-video movie? 2 100-90 3 89-80 4 79-70 5 69-60 6 59-50 7 49-40 8 39-30 9 29-20 10 18-1

[edit] Criterion and Considerations of the List

[edit] What is a direct-to-video movie?

A movie that goes direct-to-video of course. However, no movie starts as a direct-to-video movie. You see, all movies start out as theatrical movies. However, when test audiences don't like a movie and the companies itself hate it, the movie ends up going direct-to-video.

[edit] So if all direct-to-video movies are bad, why is there a list for the 100 worst Direct-to-video movies?

Although all direct-to-video movies are bad, there are some so bad, it makes the test audiences kill each other.

[edit] What makes a bad animated direct-to-video movie?

If it has: animation so bad that the character has no pupils in it's eyes and his/her mouth barely moves and bad voice work, no plot, a weak plot, a strong plot, no premise, a weak premise, a strong premise, no message, a weak message, a strong message, a preceding movie, and/or cannot be merchandised to death.

[edit] What makes a bad live-action direct-to-video movie?

If it has: Shoddy directing, bad casting/acting, zero plot, no plot, really visible movie goofs, requires too much thinking to understand it, requires too little thinking to understand it, too little excitement, too much excitement, too much bore, not enough bore, a proceeding movie, or an inability to be merchandised to death.

[edit] 100-90

100. Aladdin and Pocahontas and Stitch chill Under the Sea

Disney ran out of direct-to-video movie ideas, so they decided to take characters from various films and ethnicities and have them meet each other to celebrate diversity. Or something. Or nothing.

99. Stewie Griffin; The Untold Story II

This movie was an attempt by Fox to make a live-action Family Guy movie. It starred Keanu Reaves as Peter Griffin, Renee Zelwegger as Lois Griffin, Seth Green as Chris Griffin, Brittany Murphy as Meg Griffin, Ben Affleck as Brian Griffin and Marlon Brando as Stewie Griffin. Direct-to-video critics, if there are any, said that this had to be Marlon Brando's worst performance yet. 4 people bought the movie and there was a 25% enjoyment rate.

98. The Simpsons live-action movie

This was another attempt by Fox to make a live-action movie out of a dysfunctional family comedy. Directed by Uwe Boll, it starred Chevy Chase as Homer Simpson, Paris Hilton's mom as Marge Simpson, Paris Hilton as Lisa Simpson, Ben Stiller as Bart Simpson and Kevin Federline as Maggie Simpson. It got bitch-slapped so bad that all copies in existence were burned within a month of it's release.

97. Shaq The Movie

It was an attempt by Shaquille O'Neal to get his popularity back. It failed.

96. A guy standing for two hours

A guy standing for two hours in front of a subway, and then it cuts to black. Andy Warhol called it, "the Best film of the nineties, except, of course, for Guy Standing for Four Hours. This remake with a different ending is good, but lacks the stand-up power of the original."

95. A guy standing for four hours

A guy stands for four hours in front of a subway, and then it fades out.

94. A Bug's Life 2

It was a direct-to-video movie that wasn't even finished in it's animation stage when it was released to stores.

93. Home Alone 5

Maccallay Culkin plays Kevin again. He's not cute anymore. Like, he seems like kind of an asshole. And he's 26! He shouldn't have to call his mother about everything.

92. Oh my god! There's no proper 92! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

91. Jason vs. Michael

Jason fights Michael Myers of the Halloween series, actually played by Mike Myers who annoys Jason by mugging for the camera, making dated pop culture references, sex and midget jokes not to mention singing "Barbie Girl" and explaining his jokes.

90. A film about uncyclopedia's contribution to humor.

Short film.

[edit] 89-80

89. Good Burger 2

Made entirely out of unused/alternate sequences from the Original Good Burger. Famous for its brief, impromptu cameo from Michael Richards where Ed is sent to deliver him a Good Burger after a gig at the Laugh Factory, and Ed walks directly onto the stage in the middle of his act. Hilarity and apologies ensues.

88. Come On!

About a stereotypical Italian family who discover that their heritage is, in fact, Hindu. Starring Colin Ferrell and Will Ferrell.

87. Old Balding Senile Mutant Ninja Turtles

Unfortunately, this 2035 revival of an old balding senile series was only made to please the old balding senile Colin Mochrie.

86. Dead Mutant Ninja Turtles

The sequel to Old Balding Senile Mutant Ninja Turtles. Unfortunately, this 2068 revival of a dead series was only made to please the dead Colin Mochrie.

85. The Brady Bunch XXX The Brady goes Dirty

Watch the family perform incest. Friggin' Disturbing. It's not even hot! It also includes some Cindy-Mike pedophilia scenes. Everyone who saw it was arrested for watching child pornography.

84. Mama Luigi XXX

By Roman Polanski where they made a fucking YouTube Poop they pinch back!

83. Snakes on a Base vs Chuck Norris in Soviet Russia

This in name only "Snakes on a Plane" sequel is the fist movie based entirely on overused internet memes.

82. Texas Chainsaw Mascera

A failed attempt to cash in on the Cosmetic Horror film craze of the early '80s. In spite of the title, this film has no chainsaws in it and takes place in Iowa.

81. AmeriKKKan Beauty

90 minutes of performance artist taking dumps on the American flag.

80. Bram Stroker's Frankenstein

Not to be confused with "Mary Shelly's Dracula."

[edit] 79-70

79. The Land After Time

Al Gore's pathetic attempt to make a sequel to An Inconvenient Truth, in order to pay off Chinese Food IOUs.

78. Stereotypical Action Movie; The Movie!

A buff, muscular man has to shoot tens of billions of cyborgs, terrorists, zombies, commies, Nazis, tanks, planes, Oscar Wildes, ninjas, robots, evil robots, buildings, and trash cans in an attempt to recover his daughter from the Maniacal Bad Guy. Meanwhile, his business partner/best friend is killed in an extremely bloody fashion, just 0.000000000002 seconds before his retirement. Noted for it's creative writing and unforgettable characters. No actual military tactics were used in the making of this film.

77. Police Academy 19

They're back! They don't want to be, but they're back!

76. Next Friday after Next

Chris Tucker and Ice Cube are at it again. Nobody cares.

75. Blade and Daredevil and Catwoman take on the Fantastic Four

An attempt to revive several struggling action series simultaneously by having them interact with each other.

74. Norbit 2

Eddie Murphy tries to recreate what he does best - suck.

73. Stand-up with Pauly Shore

Includes jokes such as, "What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jewce."

72. Bad Easter Bunny

A sequel to the movie Bad Santa. Starring Pauly Shore.

71. Scooby-Doo 3

Daphne gets pregnant and can't remember who the father is and Scooby becomes so horribly obese he has to be put down. Hilarity and Peta protesters ensue.

70. Police Academy 64

Yeah.

'Nuff said.

[edit] 69-60

69. The Land Before Time XVIIIIIIVMXIIIIVVIIIIVVIIIXMIIIXIXVIIIXII - "What's That Burning Rock In The Sky?"

Littlefoot and his friends meet Mr. Meteor - with hilarious results!

68. How Stalin Got His Groove Back!

Stalin (Rob Schneider) is worried he's losing his cool, and seeks advice from his good friend Lenin (Pauly Shore). Guest starring Ray Romano as the voice of the Kremlin.

67. The Manic Miner Movie

A breathtaking adaptation of everyone's favourite ZX Spectrum game, directed by Uwe Boll and starring Andy Dick as Miner Willy. And hold your breath for the exciting twist at the end, as well as...R:/TAPE LOADING ERROR/

66. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! - The Movie

AAAAAAA AA AAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAAAAA, AAAAAAA AA AAAAAA AAAAAA, AAAAA AAAAAAA AAA! AA AAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAA AAAA AA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Starring AAAAAAA A. AAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAAAAA, AAAAAAA AA AAAAAA AAAAAA, AAAAA AAAAAAA AAA! AA AAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAA AAAA A AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

65. Dr What - The Movie

The Doctor and his companion Bessie La Paxman face their greatest enemy: THE MISTER!!!!!!

64. Gorath: Cultural Learnings for the Benefit of the Goths Against

Gorath and is partner Azareiks have been transported to the future by Thor to learn about new culture. What Gorath doesn't know is how much the world changed, and that neither Pig Slaughter Parties nor Pike Festavals are acceptable anymore.

63. Alien vs. Predator vs. Colonial Marine vs. American Colonial

Whoever wins, we're doomed to watch something poor.

62. Hook: The Beginning

A man gets his head replaced by a hook and becomes a slasher. The only problem is he can't see...or breathe...or hear...or kill people with his machete for that matter.

61. Thomas the tank engine - The Movie

An unhilarious tribute to the show, featuring Thomas facing Darth Hitler who has obtained a new body.

60. Thomas the tank engine II - Diesel 10 blows his stack

Diesel ten tries to take Sod over but he just gets his dessert.

[edit] 59-50

59. Thomas the tank engine III - Attack of the Farters

The engines start farting which makes the Obese Controller possessed by the evils of the fartaholics.

58. Thomas the tank engine IV - The Phantom of the opera

During the Sod 20 yearly opera a phantom erupts it. The phantom seems to be an evil engine. Will Thomas sop him or will he suffer a ghostly fate.

57. Thomas the tank engine V - Sod girls gone wild

A load of showgirls come to perform and fall in love with Thomas and try to sex him, by making a sex machine. Will Thomas stop them?

56. Michael Moore's What's in my pocket?

Micheal Moore's chilling documentary that answers the question on everyones mind.

55. Mary Shelly's Dracula

Not to be confused with "Bram Stroker's Frankenstein."

54. Paris Hilton: the movie

A movie about Paris Hilton going shopping... that's the whole movie.

53. Mae West fucks two guys

Mae West's last movie before her death where she literally has sex with two guys before having a stroke.

52. Jerry Chef Rock Band-the Movie

An 80's style movie that came out in 2049 about a mentally retarded kid and his rock band traveling in time-none of the quotes made any sense with what was going on with the scene.

51. Paris Hilton's 2nd movie

She goes shopping and, after eating a cheese sandwich, throws up all over the place. She then gets arrested for a DUI.

50. Showgirls Part 6

Starring Bill Cosby as an 18-year old showgirl called Leanna.

[edit] 49-40

49. Santa Claus Conquers the Earth

And this time, he actually does some conquering and not just befriend the earth people like in the original. Also starring Paris Hilton in Pia Zadora's role.

48. Donnie Darko the Musical

A musical version of Donnie Darko starring Zac Efron as Donnie and Rodney Dangerfield in a controversial role as his mother.

47. Tom and Jerry; the movie 2

This time Tom and Jerry actually just chase each other throughout the whole movie - it's funny the first 11 minutes but gets old fast.

46. The Never ending Story 44

Falkor molests Bastian.

45. Troll

A remake of the 1986 movie Troll which actually has nothing to do with the original movie except having the same name-Trolls aren't even the villain: English Bull terriers are!

44. Retired Hero

A spoof of big blockbuster sequels of 70's action movies starring Leslie Neilsen doing what he basically did in The Naked Gun-his stunt double was obviously a guy in his 20's.

43. Zibble

A Sci-Fi Comedy about aliens that fart-boring!

42. Married...with Children: the movie

A remake of the popular sitcom with a horror movie twist-Al Bundy goes on a killing spree!

41. The Random people that like to have sex

A John Waters-directed comedy where people just randomly walk to other people and start having sex with them-it was so bad it was rated 'pos' for piece of shit.

40. Donkey Kong

Directed by Uwe Boll, it has nothing to do with Donkey Kong-it's actually about a bunch of people in gorilla suits who kill!

[edit] 39-30

39. Teen Movie: The Movie

In this movie, a nerdy boy has to stand up to bullies and win the popular girl. There's also a sequel where a nerdy girl has to stand up to bullies and win the popular boy-the so-called sequel was actually a remake in disguise, which are like the illegal Mexicans of cinema.

38. Glitter 2: Crossroads 2

Britney and Mariah's characters become pop musicians - OMG!

37. Stewie Griffin the Untold Story 3

In the sequel to the live-action remake of Family Guy, none of the original actors returned. In fact, none of the original characters returned-they were replaced by the characters from American Dad. It starred John Goodman as Stan Smith, Whoopi Goldberg as Francine Smith, Nicole Richie as Hayley Smith and some random kid they got out of the street as Steve Smith. No one liked it.

35. Forgetable Comedy

Starring Ben Stiller as a nerd, a B-list actress as his love interest, and Wanda Sykes as his boss who accuses every living soul of being racist.

34. Dream Date

An 80's teen comedy about a girl who wins a contest to date a pop star but realizes her male best friend is her real true love...I really didn't expect that to happen!

33. Robots take over the earth

The movie is literally robots taking over the earth for two hours.

32. Star Wars Episode VII: Revenge of the Self-Proclaimed Penniless Producers

They lied when they said Episode 3 was the last of the series. It was just the beginning...

31. Sesame Street Presents: Red Death

When it is discovered that Elmo has been soliciting huge amounts of money from Big Bird's rackets, Big Bird hires the entire cast of Sesame Street to wipe the little crimson motherfucker out...mayhem ensues.

30. Plan 9 From Outer Space

Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin's huge disaster remake of a movie that was also a huge disaster but not as bad as this. It starred Norm Macdonald as a pilot, Adam Sandler as a scientist, Zac Efron as an actor, and Jennifer Love Hewitt as a news reporter who band together to stop aliens from outer space robbing graves.

[edit] 29-20

29. Video Game Adaption

For this movie, the audience used video game controllers to entertain themselves.

28. Ghost Whisperer the movie

This movie was the reason Heroes the movie was cancelled.

27. Rugrats go to Iraq

In this movie, the Rugrats enlist to fight in Iraq...and die.

26. Rugrats Go Wild 2

Everyone who went to this was arrested for watching child pornography.

25. Plain and Fancy

The remake of the popular musical which destroyed all musicals permanently!

24. College Musical

After watching The Soup, the writers of High School Musical actually decided to make a sequel where the gang go to college: songs included I thought school was hard, 2 Hours, Party!, Drinking Underage, Fraternity fun, and more!

23. Marilyn

A Biography on Marilyn Monroe starring Paris Hilton, but I think we've made fun of her too much already.

22. Vietnow

Some Fucktard in a scarf eating some shit. Lacks verve, 2 and a half stars.

21. Crank Dat Soulja boy the movie

This was basically a movie version of the music video: it was so bad it ended every musician's chance of acting in a movie ever again.

20. The Homsar Movie

I aIn'T gOnNa LiE tO yA; tHaT's A hEaLtHy PiEcE oF rEEEaL eStAtE!

19. Pinocchio II - Jiminy Goes Apeshit

Spectacular sequel to the Walt Disney classic, where Jiminy Cricket goes on a killing spree until Pinocchio squashes him with a hammer. Featuring the voices of Zac Efron as Pinocchio, Jay Leno as Jiminy, Andy Dick as Gepetto and Bobcat Goldthwait as EVERY OTHER FUCKING CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE.

20. The Movie with a Title which is, according to the 2003 Edition of the Guinness Book of Records, is the Only Film Title which Takes Up All the United States (except Alaska), and has Ultimately Killed Millions of People because the Words are About 25,000,000,000 ft. Long and are Capable of Crushing the Empire State Building, the St. Louis Arch, the White House and Mount Rushmore at the Same Time (Did I Mention They're Fucking Huge? I guess not, so I'll mention it again, but slowly so you can take it in...TTTTTTHHHHHHEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY''RRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[NOT ENOUGH ROOM FOR A PLOT]

[edit] 18-1

18. The Black Flintstones

The third sequel to The Flintstones that went directly to DVD after the 2nd movie where they go to Rock Vegas flopped, starring Cedric the Entertainer as Fred Flinstone and Eddie Murphy as Wilma, Betty, Barney, Dino, Mr. Slate, and every other character in the movie. Actually called The Flintstones 3 but because of the sudden skin color change thanks to political correctness, is known to fans as "The Black Flintstones".

17. Pong

Another masterpiece from Uwe Boll, a remake of the video game Pong about an emo teenager(ZAC EFRON) who quits school and turns into an assassin after witnessing his dad die from an assassin when he goes to pick him up from Drama Club. One day, the world's greatest assassin Eddie Manickin(BEN STILLER, who was chosen because Uwe said he loved him as the psychotic husband who breaks his wife's heart in the Horror classic "The Heartbreak Kid") sees him killing a guy and introduces to an underground competition where assassins compete to kill each other-the one who dies wins. At first, the emo teenager is a little nervous about doing it but after finding out that they get to try to kill the chancellor of the games, Master Pong(Leslie Neilsen) who was the assassin that killed his father, he decides to enter the competition and falls for a sexy assassin(Nicole Richie) in the process who has a jerk boyfriend(Patrick Warburton)that's also competing in the games-A.K.A, the movie has nothing to do with Pong!

16. Holla at your girlfriend y'all!

An urban comedy starring Queen Latifah and Mo'Nique where they...um...go to the mall and shop, exchanging such witty quotes as "Dang, you got a great booty, holla!" and "J. Lo ain't got nuttin' on me, holla!", they stop robbers from robbing a plus-sized woman's shoe store, and get in Oprah on the end. After seeing the final cut, the projectionists went on strike and the movie ended up being dumped on video 2 days after it was supposed to be released then put on BET which made audience members burn BET studios down.

15. The Golden Crucifix

Based on Phillip Pullman's Heavenly Lights. Criticised for its anti-atheist message.

14. Soul Library

A direct-to-video sequel of the movie Soul Plane that was originally going to be released in theatres until Soul Plane flopped. In the movie, rapper D-Mix(Snoop Dogg) ends up with his uncle's library after his uncle is shot by the police because of racial tensions-his library isn't doing so good and the evil white man Silas, who works for the government, wants to buy the library and turn it into the mall so to attract more customers and save the library from foreclosure, D-Mix puts a Starbucks and a dance club in the mall and it gets more customers. Among the cast were Monique as a wisecracking librarian who makes fun of all the workers and customers, Thandie Newton as his love interest who thinks Libraries should be for reading not for getting coffee and dancing, and some bad child actor as a nerdy kid who goes to the library to study but gets an urban makeover in the end.

13. Plan 10 from outer space

The sequel to the remake. Produced by Kevin Costner, Soundtrack by William Shatner. Grossed $30,000 from people paying no to see it.

12. Blank Movie

After Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Paris Hilton movie, Sex tape movie, Bad movie, Spoof movie, Satire movie, Our own movie, the 2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie decided to make a movie that was just a blank screen for an hour and then 7 minutes of a naked Carmen Electra dancing: they funded the movie themselves because no studio would ever think that was a good idea.

11. Bikini Cult

Inadvisable attempt to make a sex comedy based on the Waco Siege. Infamous for the harrowing final scene in which several near-naked women burn to death.

10. I Love Nazi Sex Torturers

Controversial film released during the 80s and condemned by Mary Whitehouse, I Love Nazi Sex Torturers has since been released uncut on video, but is still confined only to a few vendors. Mainly those with exceptionally poor taste and business sense.

9. Romantic Comedy

After running out of ideas for romantic comedies, the movie executives decided to just make a movie about a man and a woman with two cynical best friends who meet in a coffee shop that fall in love however one thinks the other is cheating on them and they hit a stride in their relationship but they end up getting married in the end.

8. The Vietnam War: the animated movie

In an attempt to save 2d animation, Disney made a cliche animated movie like Anastasia or Pocahontas in 2002 about a Vietnamese princess(voiced by Sara Gilbert) who falls for a charming, dashing soldier(voiced by Sean Connery) in the middle of the Vietnam war-many thought that the Vietnam war was a subject that wasn't a very good idea to base around a lighthearted animated kids musical and that Sara Gilbert's voice didn't fit the body of a Vietnamese girl and Sean Connery's voice didn't fit the voice of a charming, dashing soldier who was apparently 25 years old which made the movie unintentionally funny.

7. Shaving Ryan's Privates

Ryan is the only person that likes this movie.

6. High School Shooting

The friends from High School Musical get caught up in the crossfire of some maniac with a gun. Very realistic, since it is set in America. As always, the maniac shoots himself in the head.

5. High School Shooting 2

Enjoyable, yet a tad predictable, sequel to the box office smash hit. This time, the friends from High School Musical do all they can to prevent the maniac from getting in the school. However, it's not that simple - this time he is armed with a bazooka.

4. Ship Movie

A movie that was unintentionally released to DVD in 1998 by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer that they made to get The Wayans to hire them to help write Scary Movie. The setup of the movie is a parody of Titanic. In the movie, the slaves from Amistad breakdance, Batman and Robin faun over Hercules, The guys from Men in Black make out, Jack gets the tickets to The Titanic by kicking his competitors in the nuts until a diapered Tony Cox playing the dancing baby comes and kicks the shit out of him only for Jack to win by kicking him in the nuts, Anastasia is played by a dancing Carmen Electra, The Jurrasic Park dinosaurs eat all the survivors at the end, etc. Many actual Titanic survivors protested the movie's release not because it was offensive to them but mainly because the writers who made the movie didn't even know The Titanic was real.

3. Manchester United - The Movie

If you like drunk, red faced maniacs screaming their heads of to you then this is the movie for you. Excitement is low key however as much of the story is, yes you've guessed it, taken up by a Manchester United player being the culprit of another 'Manchester United Rape and Run' attack. A must for all soulless glory hunters.

2. Underground Ernie Gets Blown Up

Underground Ernie and his friends are victims of an atrocious terrorist attack in this emotional and yet tasteless film. The bomb rips through the Underground while horrific scenes are shown. Don't be fooled into buying this for your kids. It's pure vile. Featuring the voice of Gary Lineker.

1. The Curse Of Willie Thorne

One of the worst 1 and a half hours you'll have to endure. Tom Cruise plays the ghost of snooker legend turned commentator Willie Thorne as he goes about haunting such greats like Stephen Hendry and Ronnie O Sullivan for not having bald heads. Is as bad as it sounds.