Worst 100 Diseases Your Wife Could Have

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The humor in this article is male-centric. Females may find something else less chauvinistic to be a better choice.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

~ Oscar Wilde on reading number 1

“WOOHOO!”

~ user:Serq fet on 100

These are the worst diseases your wife could have. Also, imagaine it for your girlfriend, mistress, grandmother (Eww), and your manfriend. With no further ado, the Worst 100 Diseases Your Wife Could Have!!!

Contents 1 100-90 2 90-81 3 80-71 4 70-61 5 60-51 6 50-49 7 40-31 8 30-29 9 20-11 10 10-1

[edit] 100-90

100.5. Your wife is a Wikiholic. Enough said.

100. Your wife is addicted to having sex with Serq Fet.
This makes him happy. But he has never found someone with this condition.

99. You don't have a wife
Lucky you! You were able to break it off before it got ugly. If you don't have a girlfriend, I recomemd that you stop playing D&D

98. Your wife doesn't spend your money
Oh man, this is good for you! You have her working, and spending her own money! Teach me how to do that!

97. Your wife spends your money
Oh well, can't win them all. Almost all women have this. Don't sweat it.

96. You might have a wife
Dear Lord, just thinking about having one is horrible!

95. Your wife is on a diet
This one affects 97.3% of women. They become anorexic for a while, then afterwards gorge on brownies. Mmm brownies...

94. Your wife talks
I'm so sorry. Your life must suck. Don't worry, this one affects almost all women.

93. Your wife can cook
You lucky bastard! Wanna trade? This is a rare one.

92. Your wife likes having sex. Just not with you.
Another common one.

91. Your wife sometimes doesn't do what you want
This is when you get the rope...

[edit] 90-81

90. Your wife is your hot sister
Eew, is this legal? I'm sorry, you might be the one that's diseased. (Only in Alabama. -User:Ubergrue2.0)

89. Your wife isn't EMO
Now you're gonna have to kill her.

88. Your wife is pregnant
Kids on the way? Screaming, whining, wasting money? Wow, your life is about to suck

87. Your wife has foot fungus
Now, even you don't want to have sex with her.

86. Your wife drinks your beer
It's your beer, danmit! What a waste! She doesn't even do anything when she's drunk!

85. Your wife has kids from another marriage
What?! You're taking care of kids, and you didn't even get laid?

84. Your wife hates cooking
Too bad.

For her.

83. Your wife talks too much
There is nothing more annoying than this one. Except the further things on the list. Get some duct tape, some rope, a garbage bag, and pasta, then follow your instincts.

82. Your wife has a cell phone
Just take it away! God, if you had to read that, you must really be a fucktard

81. Your wife is an alcoholic
Is she still drinking your booze?! Wow, you really know how to pick 'em.

[edit] 80-71

80. Your wife is anorexic
Hey, she's not eating your food! What's the problem?

79. Your wife insists on wearing jewelry
What a waste of money. It's a damn shame. Just sell them back.

78. Your wife is Oprah
All of your money is getting absorbed by a gelatenous blob. Run!

77. Your wife is Oprah, but she's poor
See above, but there's not as much cash

76. Your wife's weight changes like Oprah's.
I still don't know how anyone can gain, then lose, 400 pounds every week. You're on your own

75. Your wife thinks she's Oprah
Mix #77 and #76. The horror...

74. Your wife is dead
This isn't a problem, unless it was you that had the balls to kill her. Drink a few shots of vodka, and follow these steps

73. You like your wife
Damn, isn't hypnosis fine these days? Just kill her and follow #74

72. You look like your wife
Ooh, that's an insult bordering Your Mom levels

71. Your wife looks like you
Damn, that's an ugly bitch

[edit] 70-61

70. Your wife talks
Jesus, didn't I do that already?

69. You have a wife
I'm so sorry to hear that. Wow, it must suck to be you

68. Your wife has a cell phone
She's wasting your money, and practicing talking to you at the same time. Haha, sucks to be you

67. Your wife likes you
Dear lord, is this possible? If so, no problem.

66. Your wife invites her drunken brother over all of the time
Now you're sharing couch space with a hairy, smelly man wearing a star trek uniform that insists on watching the director's cut of Kung Fu Beyond the Grave, because hopping zombies turn him on.

65. #66 drinks all the booze
Damnit, now he's sucking up your money!

64. #75, but she thinks that you're Tom Cruise
Run. Now. You will die unless you run for your life. If anyone else thinks that you are Tom Cruise, cut your face off, and run. Go.

63. Your wife is addicted to sex, but you can only use a vibrator
Yes, I waited until your boss was behind you, because I know you read this at work. Haha, shoulda played tetris today.

62. Your wife has skin cancer
Not only did she just erupt with red and black spots, you have to actually touch her in a nonsexual way, while applying ointment.

61. Your wife talks
Damn it, I know i've seen this one before

[edit] 60-51

60. #88 and you have to pay for their college education
What, food wasn't enough for the little bastards?

59. Your wife resembles your mom
What the hell is wrong with you?I think that you need help

58. #74, but you still do her
...

57. #66, but he has AIDS
Well, just as long as there's nothing happening between them, or you. Well, judging by some of the things on this list, I am a 'little' worried about you.

56. Your wife is EMO
This is good! Maybe she'll kill herself so you don't do it.

55. Your wife talks
It's not funny anymore, damnit.

54. You see your wife more than once a day
If this is a problem, it's time to make a cage in your basement...

53. She reads this page
You are fucked.

52. #57, but he does your wife
Now, it's a problem, and a disgusting one at that. I'd just run screaming from that country.

51. Your wife is bulemic.
That bitch is upchucking your food!

[edit] 50-49

50. Your wife doesn't like having sex
Too bad.

For you, this time. Any other way, it's rape and then your extra fucked.

49. Your wife can think for herself
A common, horrible, disease, where she can come up with things like: Woman's Rights, or You can't go golfing today.

48. Your wife farts
Well that stinks. For you. Haha, I made a pun!

47. Your wife farts and blames it on the dog
This is funny if you don't have a dog! Not so much if you do.

46. #48, but she blames you
Ok, that got old. Get her farter surgically removed

45. Your wife ran away with your best friend
I bet you miss him.

44. Your wife is too ugly to run away with your best friend
Now that just sucks. Go kill yourself.

43. Your wife is alive
Well, I know how to fix that...

42. #88, but from Serq Fet
Well, then that's gonna be one awesome baby.

41. Your wife is (or could be) Owen Wilson
I didn't know Owen Wilson was gay. I'll be right back. I have to call the tabloids.

[edit] 40-31

40. Put #52 and #88 together, somehow, then see #22
...

39. Your wife doesn't have cancer
Aw man, now she's not gonna die on you

38. Your wife is a compulsive shopper
She's spending your money again, and this time, it's serious. Take away her credit card.

37. #66, but it's the whole family
That just sucks. Kick them out. If your wife refuses, kick her out too.

36. Your wife eats
All that food, wasted...

35. #88, from your best friend
Again with the baby! Just give it to your friend. If he can spawn it, he can raise the little bastard.

34. You are your wife
Is that even possible? You really need to stop reading this and go do something.

33. #44, and she's stupid
Good, good. Now she can't find her way home!

32. #88, from You
Oooh, guess who's paying for college..

31. Your wife talks
That's not funny anymore, damnit

[edit] 30-29

30. Your wife is too fat to have sex
Eating your food, and you're not getting anything for it? Wow, your life must suck.

29. Your wife is hot, but won't fuck you anyways
Well that sucks.

For you.

28. #30, but she wants to
Run away!

27. Your wife weighs more than Your Mom
Now that's an insult.

26. Your wife is uglier than Your Mom
Oh, I'm getting nasty

25. #30, and she rapes you in the middle of the night
If you ran like I told you, you wouldn't be getting suffocated.

24. Your wife nags you
Your time and efforts will never be enough, in this horribly common disorder.

23. You are in jail for killing your wife
Hey! I gave you directions. You followed them wrong.

22. Your wife has AIDS
Have sex, and die. Hmm.

21. #85 and #22 at the same time
If they have Aids, just wait. You won't have to pay for college!

[edit] 20-11

20. #43 and #21 at the same time
Wasn't that implied when I said she had Aids?

19. #92, and #21 at the same time
Now we know where the Aids came from.

18. Your wife has difficulty standing
Give her a stool. Then she can continue cooking and ironing.

17. Your wife smells worse than Your Mom
Seriously. I can smell her from here. Do something!

16. Your wife is your dad
..

15. Your wife has Syphilis
Is it still worth it?

14. #90, but she's uglyWhat is wrong with you? Go get help for yourself.

13. Your wife is Your Mom
What the hell? No really, you people need help.

12. You have two wives.
Great. Two #24's. You moron

11. Your wife has breast cancer
Cut 'em off, or she dies. Decisions, decisions...

[edit] 10-1

10. #90 + #14, but she smells and is stupid
Dear god, you bat fuck insane. Go get help

9. #88, from your Dad
Your son is your brother. This is gross.

8. Your wife is flat-chested
I'm sure you could do better than that. Oh wait, if your reading this, you probably can't.

7. Your wife has a penis
Go get fucking help NOW

6. Your wife has outrageous phone bills
You just lost $398,198.76 to her blabbering. Take away the phone, or kill yourself.

5. Your wife wants to 'talk'
Run! It's going to be a random, half-hour fight that leads nowhere!

4. Vaginal dentures
Erm, that's pleasant.

3. Your wife can't iron
That sucks. Now you have to pay for that.

2. Your wife can't cook
It's over. Get divorced. That is the most important thing in any relationship. And it's ruined.

1. Your wife doesn't have any diseases
Yes she does.

0. Chuck Norris
Why the hell not.