Worst 100 Foods of All Time

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“Ahhh, eel and leek crumble. 19th century food at its best...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Worst 100 Foods of All time

“Oh the shame... Oh the igmony. My you are a fine looking boy...”

~ Sir John Gielgud on something completely different

This exhaustive list was originally given by God to Moses as a present for invading "Harry's Hareem of Halal". As the smiting went on this list became known as the "Butters List" after Mohammed said Moses looked like Cartman. The only person to attempt to cook all 100 dishes at once was Jamie Oliver during an appearance on the science fiction show Iron Chef.

110. Chicken Wangs

(Oakville, Septober 38th, 2010) A horribly mispronounced chicken wing, which leads to misinterpretation of homosexuality.

109. Fried milk

(Neverland, Octember 42nd, 2009) A crusty heap of milk-flavored stuff.

108. Chicken shit... looks but doesn't taste like mayo

107. Bacon

(UK-US, 1626) Slices of Francis Bacon are no longer edible. See best before date.

106. Mark Mc. Guire

105. Alabama Hot Pocket 

Tastes like shit.

104. Bread and Butter smothered pointlessly in gravy

Little too soggy for most

103. Metal Gears 

The spinny ones and the bipedal-tanks.

102. Your own arm 

It tastes like ARMS!!!

101. Anything that contains no cheese. ICK! (McDonalds Cheeseburgers, for instance)

100. Turnip Surprise

(UK, 1598), Baldrick, Mr Sodoff. "The surprise is there's nothing in it but the turnip".

99. Fried Crows Feet

(USA, 1989). Only available after Cher has plastic surgery so there is an abundance which (according to latest figures) should last us 3785 years.

98. Beef and Uranium Stew

(USSR, 1972). Leaves your bowels feeling slightly weird, especially when you can pick them up off the floor in front of you.

97. Starbucks's Chocolate Chip Cookie

(USA, 2002). Has been linked to Irritable Student Syndrome

96. Penguin Foie Gras

(France, 1963). Has the highest concentration of fercury (fat with mercury) in the known universe.

95. Tin Cans

(Various, 1903). No-one told them that you were supposed to open them first.

94. Fanny Batter Pancakes

(Austria, 1922). Women kept in battery farms and the fanny batter used for a breakfast meal with lemon, sugar and maple syrup.

93. Poodles

(France, 1962). Dog flavoured noodles.

92. Spunknik

(USSR, 1957). Metal semen orbiting the earth at a height of about 250 km. Very bad for the teeth. Mostly fed to dogs called Laika.

91. Flied Lice

(China, 1582). Chinese obsession with eating anything with 6 legs and over.

90. Lisp Soup

(UK, 1988). Soup so hot it gives you a permanent speech impediment.

89. Computer Chips

(USA, 1962). Not good with ketchup, mayonnaise, anything else or even on its own.

88. Haggis

(Scotland, 1226). Sheep's heart, liver, lungs and deer offal. Tastes as good as it sounds.

87. The Grouch

(USA, 1983). He lives in a bin, what did you expect?

86. Vaseline

(USA, 1859). Dogs anal jelly. Eaten by Aztecs and Faztecs.

85. Swastika Sandwich

(India, 5000 BC). Peaceful on the stomach until left 7000 years after conception when it is known to bring out inherited disorders in Jews, Muslims, Russians, Poles, Slavs and anyone without blonde hair and blue eyes.

84. Tea Bags

(UK/China, 1966). Usually eaten by babies and small children whilst crawling around on kitchen worktops. Usually followed by ingestion of washing up liquid and/or falling off and breaking skull.

83. Air

(Various, 4.57 billion years ago). Tasteless but strangely addictive. The only people to have given it up all died before they were able to give any precise theory on it.

82. Brick Bagel

(Poland, 1610). Invented at the same time as the rest of Polish food. Made to be the same taste and consistency whether fresh or off.

81. George Michael

(UK, 1963). Usually found in men's toilets. If it's offered to you decline politely.

80. Viagra

(USA, 1996). Only bad if 20 mins later you have company or are sitting at a table.

79. Windows ME

(USA, 1999). The most vile part of the Windows food group. Known to cause loss of hair, temper and £100

78. Parisiennes

(France, 852). Known to be snotty, unnecessarily ugly and have no taste. Avoid.

77. German Feather Sausage

(Germany, 1859). Created when food was scarce in Germany because all the inefficient animals were slaughtered to create a new breed of super-animal. This sausage is light, fluffy and wont fill you up.

76. Snot

(Various,7,000,006 BC). Originally used to stick small children to walls, now forms 68% of their diet.

75. Willy Wonka's shit bubble

(UK, 1969). Contrary to popular belief this was not invented by Mr Wonka himself it was invented when an oompa-loompa shat in a tray.

74. Turtle

(India, 1802). Turtles taste like rubbish because they never wash.

73. Losing to Liverpool FC

(UK, not recently). Leaves a bad taste in your mouth if you are from Manchester or Croxteth.

72. Israeli Pork

(Israel, 2000 BC). Tastes so bad even they wont eat it.

71. Kentuckistan Fried Jihad

(Afghanistan, 1993). Suicide Bombin' Good!!!

70. Spam Solo

(Corellia, 29 BBY). Mixed pork, ham and wookie meat found in Mos Eisley. Only eaten in a wretched hive of scum and villainy for a good reason.

69. Rumbo

(1981, USA). A rum that gives you elephantitis

68. Phlegm Brulee

(Quebec, Canada, 1983). (Pronounced: "Flem Broo-lay"). A custard of thick, stringy mucus with a crust of caramelized mucus.

67. Baby Ribs

(various, 2000 BC). Easier to get a hold of last century because taking babies from parents was harder to trace. Now mostly found at illegal, 8-and-a-half-month abortion centres.

66. Knuckle Sandwich

(various). Causes your teeth to fall out.

65. Quadriplegic Sandwich

(USA, 1995). Superman's favourite.

64. Meatloaf

(Italy, 1850). Fattier cousin of the meatball, known to be the ugliest thing on two wheels.

63. LOLipops

(AOL, 1997). Dish made up by 12 year olds. Laughable flavour.

62. Grit

(Macedonia, 2500 BC). Ground corn usually laid on the road because of the flavour. Only eaten in the southern US.

61. Smokey Two Tower Burger

(USA, 2001). Osama Bin Laden and J.R.R Tolkein's favourite burger. The first one goes down quickly and the second one follows. Is known to get rednecks very angry, just like if you asked them the three times table.

60. Roadkill

(Various, 1893). Straight from one grill and onto another

59. Vegan Shit

(Various, 1960+). There's nothing that smells worse.

58. Hamster Caesar Salad

(USA, 1975). This variation on the common caesar salad is made with sliced hamster on top, typically after the hamster has lost a fight to the death. For more information on turning your hamster into a fighting machine, see [1]. Known to be the favourite food of Richard Gere and Freddie Starr.

57. 1337root

(irc.quakenet.org, 1998). A spotty, greasy root vegetable. Shrivels in direct sunlight.

56. Ice Bream

(Egypt, 1200 BC). Fish flavoured desert dessert.

55. Nikita Fajita

(Thailand, 1992). 13 year old Thai bride/prostitute.

54. Panda Foetus

(China, 550, Minging Dynasty). Dont ask.

53. Human Caviar

(USA, 2003) What to do with left overs from your IVF treatments.

52. Wasp's Nest Soup

(China, prehistory). What they ate before bird's nest soup. Made of wood, wasp spit, water, and the occasional dead (or alive) wasp.

51. Doggie on a Stick

(Olde England, 1400s) Know as "Chien Poo sans Stick" in northern France this became part of the staple diet for many Englishfolk until the late 18th century. See Poop Cuisine.

50. Bananarama

(England, Circa 1984) A colloquial name for a dish created by taking an over-ripe banana and inserting it into body orificies until the inside is warm and mushy.

49. Cottaging Pie

(UK, 1953). Sir John Gielgud's favourite. Normally served on someone 30 years younger.

48. Cheese Whiz

(US, 1989). Freshly scraped Bellendo Cheese mixed with mature Urine. Tastes even better than it sounds...

47. Kim Chee

(Korea, Unknown). No one knows who Kim is, but why anyone would want to eat her Chee is beyond me...

46. Cumquat

(China, 1250). Chinese delicacy, small orange citrus-y flavoured spunknik.

45. Condiment Smoothie

(Various hospitals, 1990s). A mixture of mustard, barbecue sauce, horse radish, sauerkraut, tartar sauce, tabasco sauce, mayonaisse, and wasabi. Fed to patients whose jaws have been shattered. Claims to have enough nutrients to pass off as a meal.

44. Iams Lamb and Rice Meal

(United States, 1998). Tastes absolutely nothing like lamb or rice. I think it's made out of rejected Milk Bones.

43. Wanda's Wiggly Delite

(Wisconsin, 1922). Live lamprey, served cold in a bowl of miscellaneous pig organs. Eaten with a sharp metal straw.

42. Korma Chameleon

(UK, 1984). Boy George's favourite curry.

41. Katie Holmes

(US, 1976). Tom Cruise's favorite food, that's how crazy he is!!!1

40. Runescape Swordfish

You can eat it for 1.5 seconds and all it does is healing you.

39. Mee Krob

(Vietnam, older than time). Crusty noodles. Considered taboo in Western cultures. Cartman, a character from the television series South Park, has referred to this as a swear word.

38. Mac-Os Cerial

(California, 1997). Crunchy hardware and chewy software, together in a cerial so innovative, it's updated every 2 months.

37. Sand pie

(Sumer's territory, 6430BC). A pie made of sand and water. Mmmmmyuk!

36. Wormhole

(H. David Politzer, 2003). It should taste like worms, but when you try to eat it, you may never know where and when you might end up with.

35. Gary Glitter Pitta

(Vietnam/Cambodia 2005). Comes in 10 or 13 year old versions.

34. Just Spam

(Worldwide 1992). Via mailboxes and cans.

33. Helium

You need to go way, way, way down on temperature and up in pressure for it to be food.See here!

32. Smeg

(Mostly in France, probably 1772). Specific ingredients vary from person to person, but it has never been a good idea to consume it.

31. 98% of the stuff on Iron Chef

Sure, the Japanese love their sea food, but we all don't eat 'small bits left over from the internal organs of a squid' on rice, with a shark-bladder sauce.

30. Collar 'n Cuffs

(Various hairdressers and waxing parlours). Leftovers from eastern European women's trips to the west.

29. Dead babies eaten with Doritos

(damned if I know) Look, I know dead baby jokes are hilarious, but you know that one that goes; How do you get ten dead babies into a bucket? With a blender. How do you get them out? Doritos......

Don't ever try it. It's vile.

28. The choc-mint flavoured ice-creams that I sell at the cinema I work in

(Australia, 2006)

Okay, I'm not a science whiz, but somehow, the manufacturers of this ice-cream have managed to concoct an ice confection that is completely flavourless and textureless. You read that right. Textureless. I seriously had no idea that it was possible, but as I took a bite, the seemingly normal ice treat vaporised into the air. What the fuck???

27. Pretty much everything else I sell at the cinema I work in

(Crap Factory, inc. 2006)

Actually, just avoid cinema food altogether. It's shitty and overpriced. I can't sleep at night for fear of being arrested for extortion.

26. Tofu

(US, 1969) It's actually made from the organs of dead hippies.

25. Mr. T-Bone Steak

(US, 1991) I pity the foo' who eats this crap.

24. Salo Surprise

Ordinary salo served with a slap across the face or a special cream topping that appears white.

23. Moose Juice

Originally used to decorate cakes, it's recently been discovered to solidify when damp, and can be eaten like jelly.

22. Horse Tranquilizer Surprise

Crunchy on the outside, immobilising on the inside!

21. Pubic Pie

(Everywhere, during famine) A warm, tasty outer crust made from delicious anal seepage and vaginal discharge, with a thick, creaming filling of chunky spunk. Pubes add a delightfully springy texture. Topped with foreskin flakes.

20. Creme de la Stapler

(Romania, -2) Tastes very much like your mother-in-laws's tomato soup, but is much worse for your esophagus. If that's even possible.

19. That ice cream in TV commercials

(Box, 2001.5) I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know...

18. Cream of Sum-Yung-Gi

Don't ask. You won't like what you hear.

17. Double-edged razor Sandwich

It is much harder to burn the roof of your mouth when you haven't one.

16. Soylent Bleen

They tried to trick us this time but there is no escaping the truth. Solyent Bleen just isn't the same.

15. Glue

This item should be removed from the list because I can think of a few nerds who love this shit.

14. Dead Baby Float

Face it; It's just not as good as stir-fried Dead Baby or roast Dead Baby or any other Dead Baby products that have actually been cooked. Otherwise, they're just too chewey.

13. Cakes that have been set on fire

Heartburn?

12. Rat Tail soup

Get you really REALLY REALLY up in all the good places. For Dragon God-Kings only.

11. Red Crystal

Unless of course you happen to like to mutate your body into some badass monster, then into some red cloud while becoming insane and having your consciousness explode to the size of the world. Yes, those stupid rumors about dying (directly) are false.

10. Rocks

Only badass pirates can eat these, survive, then shit gun powder afterwards.

9. Gecko Piss

Actually, it's just beer.

8. Mämmi 

The traditional Finnish Easter treat. See also shit.

7. Poodle in Pot Noodle

(U.K. 2003) Canine flavored Noodles didn't go down well with PETA

6. Bukakke

(USA) Just not nice, unless your into that kind of thing.

5. Terrorist Tea

A miniture Osama akin to those novelty toothpicks pokes you in the nose as your freedom is hindered.

4. Chicken soup for the soul

Who the hell has time for a soul?!

3. Liquid Bible

Well, I suppose it's not so much the taste, but just the thought that you're drinking the shit of God. Get it? It's a pun! Shit? Get it? Not true? Huh? Huh? Nevermind; I guess it does taste pretty bad afterall.

2. Human

Oh, so that's what I taste like!

1. AIDs-crammed beaten impailed horse penis broiled in vaginal leakings, blood, and rat semen

Yeah, not much else I can add here.

[edit] Honorable Mention

• Oscargot
• Panakas
• Rockmelon
• Turd Burger
• Nazi Soup
• Notre Dame Cookies
• Animal Crackers
• Apple strudel
• Chicken salad roll
• Self-toasting bread
• Furnace Broccoli
• Chocolate on a stick