Worst 100 Songs of All Time

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See Unified Law of Subsequent Albums for more information on the scientific causes relating to music.

According to Bruce Campbell's True Word, the following are the worst 100* Songs ever made. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.

* God does not care to count this list too closely, and believers are wise not to criticise divine numeration policy.

125. Hey There Vagina 

The White Tee's song : If you want to say that you are a whore, then say it.

124 3/4. Smoked it All (The Import Song) 

Subliminal song off of High School Musical.

124 1/2. Make Us Sluts (The Start of Something New) 

(Another) Smash subliminal hit off of one of the gayest, preppiest pieces of crap ever to be created on planet Earth. No idea what I'm talking about? Check out this video.

124 1/4. Like Naked Magic (Getcha Head in the Game)

Another subliminal song off of High School Musical.

124. HairyBack 

Justin Timberlake's song about a hairy back.

123. Clitoris - Fergie 

If you ain't got a hiney, take yo fucked ass home!

122. Girlfriend (whored-out mix) - Avril Lavigne

121. Ay Bay Bay - Hurricane Chris 

If you wanna holla at a chick, just say baby, not something that sounds like you are going hyphy twice.

120. Crank Dat - Soulja Boy 

Crank what? If it takes less than 4 elements to make a song and something that dumbs the genre of hip-hop, then crank it out of your system. Basically, Hip Hop shouldn't exist(yawn, some kid makes a dumb song and now an entire genre shouldn't exist?). And Soulja Boy needs to be shot. By a Goth.about sexual temptation and his guitar.

119. The Captains Log - Leonard Nimoy 

From voyages into the black hole as Dr. Spock, Leonard sings about his years in space with the 'Shat'.

118. Love Stoned - Justin Timberlake 

Justin Sings about getting stoned.

117. Bob Dole sings a song that Bob Dole sings - Bob Dole 

lyrics like, Bob dole likes to sing about what Bob Dole sings, or Bob Dole is getting tired of singing.

116. Oops! I Fucked It Again - Britney Spears 

Need I say more?

115. Suddenly Asi 

KT Tunstall confounds critics, who are still trying to figure out what "asi" is. There is some consensus that it may refer to a cod-based sushi dish.

114. I had sex with your grandmother, twice - Ol' Dirty Bastard 

what an ol' dirty bastard he is

113. Blame it on the Rain - Milli Vanilli 

speaks for itself

112. I Wish I was a Woman 

An intresting song by Shania Twain talking about her (his) up and coming sex change.

111. Rompe 

Daddy Yankee's song that we can't understand, because it's all in korean.

110. With Arse Wide Open 

Creed is weird! They're good, but the titles are weird.

109. Check On It 

Beyonce - Check On What?

108. Did I Shave My Balls For This? 

Deana Carter's biggest (s)hit.

107. What's Left Of My Schlong 

Nick Lachey copes with having lost something dear to him in his divorce from Jessica Simpson.

106. Pieces Of My Vagoo 

Ashlee Simpson describes herself feeling terrible for losing bits and bits of her vagina.

105. Footloser 

Kenny Loggins foot is a big loser.

104. Deja Vu 

Beyonce is having vision remembrance problems. Not to be confused with the song "Deja Vu", by Iron Maiden, a much more kickass song.

103. Lose Control 

Missy Elliott talks about her tush ONCE AGAIN

102. I Wanna Know 

Joe wants to know if it's gonna glow in the snow.

101. Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

Jimi Hendrix was probably stoned or something... give him a break.

100. Squeal Piggie Squeal

N.W.A.'s seminal release from their Cheese Party album of 1991.

99. Another Brick in the Eye

WLCP's 1999 chart-topper was recently voted the most pointless instrumental of all time, even beating off Albadross by Fleetwood Mac.

98. Feed the World (Do They Know its Christmas Time?)

Bob Geldof orchestrated a small charity single for the purpose of keeping the music world's richlist clean by making it look like they cared about some third world country crap. The song, whilst keeping reputations clean (All except Paul Wheller's that is), was a disaster and a charity was later set up for its victims.

97. Sweet Jeesus Made a Drunken Cowboy out of me

Hank Williams at his hilarious best.

96. Big Bottom'd Boys

1992's collaboration between Freddie Mercury, Oscar Wilde and Sir Mix A Lot.

95. Schlong Song

Sisqu's "coming out" anthem.

94. I Have an iPod in my Bum-Bum

Tom Green tries to reenter mainstream media with corporate endorsement.

93. There's a Gentlemans Urinal to the South of Waterloo

George Michael's funked up rendition of this classic take on Rudyard Kiplings epic poem reached Number 97 in the charts in 2002.

92. Tuesday Night's Alright (For Coke-Use, rim-jobs and maybe a Dirty Sanchez (But Wednesday's Fine If You're Busy))

Elton John's classic 70's anthem.

91. You Never Close Your Thighs Any More When I Kiss Your Lips

This Righteous Brothers (and Cousin) song has featured in so man films it has its own Worst 100 Movies featuring THAT song by the Righteous Brothers page.

90. Dancing With Spikes in my Eyes

Ultravox's unfortunate 1984 accident.

89. Porn in the USA

Bruce Stringbean rocks out for the U S of A.

88. Pictures of Matchstick Men and Crap

Mo' 12 bar blues from Status Quo in this longwinded song about some guy who couldn't paint.

Released in 1872, this instrumental ballad by Samuel Morse was criticly acclaimed however (as its lyrics were composed entirely by morse code) it was a box office failure thus ending Morese's hopes for a singing career.

87. Vincent

Another song about some guy who couldn't paint, this time with one ear. Go figure.

86. Big Black Booty in m'Face

Tu Pac's 1995 love ballad based on a 14th Century monastic madrigal.

85. Raping the Rabbit

Linkin Park's 2003 electronica-style song. Need I go into details about the lyrics?

84. Christmas Rapping

Festive ditty from the Beastie Boys featuring a 10 minute sleighbell solo. And huge inflatable penis.

83. Longwinded and Warbling

Phil Collins takes over as lead singer in this early Genesis track.

82. Smells like Pubescent Kids

Anthem highlighting raging hormones and over active glands. "I didn't have a gun. What? Oh.....THAT gun".

81. First We Take Manhatten, then We Just Take the Piss, With One of Those Songs That Just Goes On and On, in an Endless Drone, One of Those "The Party is Over, Please Go Home" Type Songs, For the Love of Jeebus, When Will It End

Leonard Cohen.

80. Hey Judas

A song written by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber for their musical Jesus Christ Superstar. The song was removed from the final production.

79. Even Closer

An unreleased version of Closer by Nine Inch Nails that was deemed too controversial because a live dog was slaughtered in the studio during the recording. Other things happened too that no one really wants to talk about.

78. B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your own Bitch)

2004 System of a Down song. Pretty much self-explanatory.

77. Texx Laws

A satire of Texas legal statutes, sung by Beck.

76. I love myself and want to live forever

An unreleased song by Kurt Cobain that was deemed "unacceptable" and did not "fit the image" that was sought by the record company.

75. I shit on Michael Jackson

The second song by Wetlife, in which the band members express their hate and/or love for MJ.

74. I shat on Michael Jackson

The first song by Wetlife, in which the band members express their hate and/or love for MJ.

73. Song

Recorded by Band. Despite getting rave reviews from Music Magazine, Song was criticised by Influential Music Columnist for not meeting preconceived notions of quality generally held by potential music buyers. Nevertheless, Song is played often on College Based Alternative Rock Radio Station, especially on Quirky Radio Host's Weekly One-Hour Show.

72. Eat You Alive

Originally by Flaccid Biscuit, this version was covered by the Magic Numbers. The rest speaks for itself really.

71. Nice Song

Marilyn 'Ooh get him' Manson's unreleased epic about clouds, pillows and puppies.

70. Not So Nice Song

Marilyn comes to his senses and eats four of the puppies while wiping his arse with pillows and pissing on clouds. Ain't he scary though children?

69. Let Me Disembowel You

An original demo by Wobbly Williams only released on limited edition 16ft vinyl in the Congo.

68. Aren't I Annoying?

M&M, the little whiny fucker, begins to doubt himself on this double A side. The other track being titled 'Maybe I Should Go Far Away'. Please do.

Following the break up of WAR shortly after their album War Huh? What's It Good For, lead singer George W. Bush relesed a solo album titled My Pet Goat.

67. Don't Go Breaking My Arse

Elton John and Kinky Dee duet on this soulful lament about a sore buttox.

66. Jogging in the Rain

Dolly Parton's 1998 release was noted for its strangely hypnotic accompanying video.

65. I've got Tourette's

Kaiser Chiefs rant and fucking rave. Arseholes.

64. Track 2

Unknown Artist rocks out with a song that sounds different each time you play it.

63. Baby Boy

Beyonce talks about her unwanted pregnancy with Sean Paul. (Jay-Z was jealous)

62. Another Moany Song About The Fucking Rain

Release by scottish whinge-bags Travisty.

61. I Wank Myself

The Divinyls prove that it doesn't matter what the song sounds like if the video features a chick with a huge rack talking about touching herself.

60. Where Is My Car?

Way..out..in the water, see it swimming. Hit song by the Sixie Dicks.

59. Ironic

The only true irony found in the song is that none of the shit Alanis Morissette mentions is ironic at all.

58. Blue Whore's Smell

By Chris Icecrack. A touching lament to the passing of his favourite hooker.

57. I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts

Forthcoming Xmas single release by Alyssa Milano.

56. Irish Blood, English Gun

Morrisey ended up having to change the lyrics of this controversial version.

55. Bang, Bang My Baby Shot Me Down

Classic duet between George Bush and Saddam Hussein.

54. Flying Without Wings

Tasteless release by Westlife, post 9/11.

53. Oh Let Your Son Go Down On Me

Elton John & Michael Jackson duet about their love for male children.

52. Bomb Iran

A song about US foreign policy towards Iran. Not some woman named Barbra Ann, as was once thought.

51. Smack my Bitch Up

A song by Ike Turner about his relationship with Tina Turner. God bless dear Ike on his way to The Resting Place for Members of the Smack-a-Hoe Tribe.

50. The Spicarena

A song by two poorly groomed Spics, who met a woman named Macaroni and wrote a song about her to try to win her heart. They're both still virgins.

49. The Wall

A song by Pink Floyd about a real wall, and not an imaginary one. If they had been a bit creative in this song, it would not have been so boring. We mean they sang about bricks in a wall, the wall, how they put it up, the masonary union, and how paint was peeling from the wall.

48. The Fence

Roger Water's post-Pink Floyd song continues on the theme of man-made barriers.

47. Song for Stumpy

Paul McCartney's love ballad from what many hope is his final album.

46. No Really, Just Fucking Come On

Dexy's Midnight Runners finally lose patience with Eileen.

45. The Devil Went Down on Georgia

Jack Daniel's Band sings about that time Satan played the "Harmonica" on Miss Georgia's no-no place.

44. Kiss me, I'm Cumming

Hold me, I'm humming... hmmmm. The Willie Nelson classic.

43. Doing it for the Kids

Gary Glitter's comeback single fails to chart, not even in Vietnam.

42. Stay High

About George W. Bush and the mafia doing weed in front of Wal-Mart.

41. Stairway to Steven

Lead Zeppelin's absolutely brilliant lyrics are full of double meanings and profundity that no one understands. All we know is that Steven used to pick his nose.

40. Theme from "Slutty Blonde Whores Bang Each Other"

The theme music to the classic pornographic film, scored by the legendary John Williams. James Horner shouldn't have turned down the job.

39. Denny's Restaurant Anti-massacree

White Trash protest anthem, but what the hell are they protesting?

38. Fade to Brown

Metallurgica's controversial anthem of coprophilia.

37. The Day of Christmas

This is one of the shortest christmas song ever made. That's why it was replaced to the Twelve Days of Christmas.

36. Too Drunk to Fuck

Another Hank Williams classic.

35. Laid Ya

12.361 minute extro to a song about getting someone on their knees.

34. Bohemian Rap City

A racist anthem about how only uneducated branch-managers write hip-hop songs.

35. Smells Like Teen Shit

In soviet Russia, teen spirit like, smells...

34. God Must've Had To Spend a Little More Time On You

If N*Stink said so, it must be true...

33. 10,000 Dicks

2006 song by Disturbed on an album of the same name. The song is, obviously, about a giant 10,000-guy orgy.

32. Only the Blacks Get Hung

Billy Joel's tribute to the Mississippi Burning Trial.

31. My Lumps

Black Eyed Peas on the importance of breast cancer self-examinations

30. Numa Numa Song

Bohemian pop song popularized by a video of Somebody dancing to it on a webcam while seated. It's one of those songs that sticks in your head all day despite the fact that you'd rather eat shit than have such a fate imposed upon you.

29. Axel F

A frog with a deformed penis does a voodoo chant and turns it into a techno song. The chant hypnotizes people into having sex with their cellphones each time a person calls them.

28. (You're) Beautiful

James Blunt's massive one hit wonder found its best use as background music for awful movie trailers.

27 - Laffy Taffy

D4L's hit single is so repulsive it takes up the last 27 spots. Newbie Uncyclopedia editors ignore this however and continue to extend the list.

26 - Futuunreal 

Miron Aidens song about a wonderful future full of happiness and with no problems.Those damn naive people...

25 - Rim of Fire 

Johnny Cash lent his voice to this iconic country masterpiece about the trials and tribulations of a hemorrhoid sufferer.

24 - Unpredictable 

Jamie Foxx and Ludacris sing on one of the most ironic songs of the year, about (who would have guessed?!) sex.

23 - Whenever, Wherever 

The song in which Shakira reveals that men normally cannot tell the difference between breasts and mountains.

22 - The Most Beautiful Balls In The World 

The Artist Formerly Known As Symbol's anthem about castration. Just listen to it, what else could it be about?

21 - Hung Over 

Through the medium of dance music, Madonna admits she is an alcoholic and confirms everyone's suspicions that she really WAS pissed when she recorded American Life.

[edit] Top 20

20. I Kissed a Girl 

Katy Perry finally comes out of the closet and wrote this song to dedicate herself.

19. Cream On 

Aerosmith. Stephen Tyler dreams of what he has done little of.

18. S.O.S. 

Rihanna's song, about someone saving her from a closet monster.

17. Horny All Over The World 

Losercris and his pal Bobby Valentino are horny wherever they go to find the right women for themselves.

16. Nevar Again 

Kelly Clarkson sings about seeing her girlfriend nevar again.

15. 4 Seconds 

Madonna tells Justin Timberlake to save her in 4 seconds, or she will die.

14. Not Ready To Make A Good Song 

Chixie Dicks yell at everyone about stuff no one cares about, again.

13. Shoes 

Kelly has an obsession with shoes. "These Shoes rule! These Shoes suck Betch!"

12. Te Quiero 

Flex sings a love song in Spanish and French. So confusing that it made the Top 20.

11. Fartalicious 

Fergie sings about her gas problems. The producer, will.i.am had to work with her in a gas suit because the smell was, as he said, "Really really really really really really bad.

10. Don't Stop the Music 

Rihanna tells the DJ to keep playing the song or he'll get flashed!

9. The Sweet Escape 

Gwen Stefani sings sweetly about her escape from the Chocolate Factory with Akon.

8. With You 

Chris Brown sings about a woman who wants to see her boob.

7. Maneater 

Again Nelly Furtado hits another man and eats him to death.

6.9 U + Ur Handler 

Pink handles everything by yelling at her boyfriend for being a handler.

6.8 Chapped Lip Gloss 

Lil' Mama sings about her guy, and kisses the guy with painful numbing chapped lips.

6.7 Incarcerate

Disturbed's song about being narrow-mided.

6.6 Hairy Hairy Yucca-EE!

Weird Al parody of the opening theme of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

6. London Bridge 

Fergie tells everyone to go under her "London Bridge".

5. Me & Me 

Cassie explains why she loves herself so much. She might have sex with herself.

4. My Glove 

Justin Timberlake talks about his glove. And that's pretty much it.

4.1 Piece of Me 

Britney Spears wants a piece of herself. That's just wrong and disgusting!

3. Hollaback Girl 

Gwen Stefani hollas in the back, and eventually she became a girl.

2. Boobs Don't Lie 

Shakira laments that using a push-up bra and some padding to improve her 34A breasts isn't an act of deception.

1. Bleeding Love 

Leona Lewis sings about how much she enjoys having sex during her period.

[edit] Honorable Mentions

• Amos Moses
• £7 for a tin of cake
• The theme from a summer place
• William Foote - "John is wrong"
• Yelp!
• So Long (And Thanks for all the Fish)
• Effervescing elephant
• Patty Duke Show theme
• "I Raped You When You Were Young" the shockingly disturbing song about how the lead singer of The Killers likes to rape young boys
• "Suddenly I Peed" the song about how KT Tunstall cannot control her urinary tract. It did not make the final cut of her album entitled "Eye to the Monoscope"
• "Long Way 2 Blow (Job)" is the sng by Cassie where she sings about giving oral sex to random men and how she likes to do it for a long time. She put in the "2" to make herself look more inoccent... or sluttier... we aren't really sure...

• "Leave (Get Out U Moron LOL)" by JoJo, a song about a 9 years old girl who tells her 65 years old boyfriend to leave because he doesn't think her 6 inch forehead is sexy and therefore he's not cool".
• Any song by the Crash Test Dummies, because his voice is so low he talks to humpback whales.

• The Dark Side Of Daniel