Worst 100 Superheroes of All Time

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127. OJ Simpson as Safety Man

Look kids, it's a Butcher's Knife!

126. Pokeman

Throws red and white balls at you which explodes into full blow AIDs on contact. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!

125. Mr Cigarette

Because smoking killed my father .... and raped my mother

124. The Peniser

Doesn't actually have superpowers, but was a member of the United States military's elite Wang Platoon. Trained in over two-hundred forms of penis-to-penis combat, and specializes in penile torture tactics. After his wife and child were murdered by a group of Mafia members of the Hardcock family, he became the penis-brandishing ultraviolent vigilante, The Peniser. Disliked by the superhero community at large because of his controversial methods and habit of "cumming" first and asking questions later.

123.That guy standing behind you

...Is that a knife?

122.Trojan Man

The ultimate cock blocker.

121. Valtrex Man!!!

Defeating Herpes outbreaks every day, in a city near you!!

120. Russian Reverser (aka Stalin)

In Soviet Russia, Stalin reverses YOU!

119. Seizure Man

All he does is has seizures. Thats it. Thats probably why he's on this list, you moron.

118. Poetry Man

He will read excerpts of Shel Silverstein, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, and Edgar Allan Poe until your head asplodes.

117. No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service Man

Posssibly the most skilled superhero of all time, but everyone thinks he's an asshole because he'll only help you if you're fully dressed.

113 Pocket Man

It's D. L. and he wants to put his hands in your pockets especially if you say its orgasmic.

112. The Name on Paper woman

She says, "Name on paper." until you write your name on a piece of paper that's not there.

111. Raul Piley

Bores you to death by teaching about Captain Cad, creator of Auto-Cad.

110. Inflammable Man

Sets himself on fire, then goes to stop crime, his battlecry: IT BURNS!

109. Sexual Advancement Man.

Wards off evildoers by giving them funny looks and winking suggestively.

108. Smoke Detector Man

Ready to waste your 9-volt batteries slowly.

107. Bucket-O-Water

Just in the nick of time, ready to clean your mess.

106. Old Man

Attempts to stop wrongdoers by boring them to death with their babble about the 'good old days'

105. OJ Shimpson

It really was an accident when yo momma died. He was trying to save her. Honest.

104. JEWperman

A well-known Jewish student who by day goes by the name of Clark Schkent, BUT as soon as danger erupts he rushes to the nearest Telephone box to take off his foreskin and put on his skullcap to become the all-fighting, all-action JEWPERMAN

103. The Great Cannibal

Nobody knows what happens to the criminals arrested by him. Most heroes refuse to join him at dinner as well, poor guy...

102. Ice Cream

Come on, ice cream isn't even a superhero. You can do better than that.

101. Debbie Downer

Whenever you're feeling happy, she's always there to tell you that every second your rejoicing, a small malnourished African boy is dying of AIDS, or that Rob Van Dam has testicular cancer.

100. Psycho Girl

Evildoers flee at the very thought of being in the same room with her. Even more deadly in her alternate identity as X-Girlfriend.

99. Ashtray

Kills evildoers with second-hand smoke. Takes a while.

98. Plankton Lord

All the plankton of the world's oceans obey his commands, or anyway would if they could, since plankton can't do anything more than passively drift.

97. Bicycle Repair Man

"In a world full of superheroes, who will repair your bicycles?"

96. Jimbo Wales

Uses his uber Wiki powers to save the day. And of course, he lets everyone edit his Wikipedia for free.

95. Freddie Prince Jr.

Bets that he can make the strange artistic girl at your school into a hot prom queen, learning a lesson about judging people incorrectly, all in the name of crime fighting.

94. Pie Man

Pie Man is the most useless super hero of all time because he was eaten by a giant monkey.

93. Meh, I'll come up with a name later

Otherwise known as "Lazy, procrastination man."

92. Strong Bad Man

Well, he definitely smells that way.

91. Grueman

He can summon Grues against their will!

90. The Spammer

This is an AMAZING opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this INCREDIBLE new product that literally SELLS ITSELF. I GUARANTEE that within THREE MONTHS you will be making AT LEAST $10,000 a month -- WITHOUT DOING ANY WORK! Normally I charge clients upwards of $100,000 to set them up in business. But because your name was obtained from a trusted friend, I will get you started for only $9.99. But you must REPLY TODAY! ACT FAST! SELL FAST! LIVE FAST! DIE FAST! CALL: (02)9559 2461 (This phone number does acctually exist, please call for our product today)

87. Mecha-Penis

He's able to stop crime with his utility dick. Long lost fourth-cousin of Captain Penis.

86. Knut

What?!? A Knut is a superhero? He's not a superhero! He's-- aww, look at his cute little eyes, he's so cute! Don't you just want to buy all of his albums, and any movie at all that features him even the slightest bit?

84. The Crusher

She's always getting a crush on the latest hot supervillain and distracting him with mash notes, pointless phone calls, hanging out by their locker, and bothering all his friends about if he likes her or not. (Clue: not.)

83. Jesus H. Christ

Can walk on water, turn water into wine, and heal the sick. Although the book would have been much cooler if he could also shoot laser beams out of his eyes. I'd convert.

78. Mister Meh

The one superhero who can never be truly defeated, because he actually doesn't give a rat's ass who wins.

73. The Looming Silence

Fights evildoers without saying a word. Never says things like "Going on a little TRIP, Evilman?" as he trips the villain, and so forth. Nothing. Just silence. No evildoer can stand that.

70. Captain Small Penis

No explanation necessary. (Hint: penis is involved)

69. The Plaintiff

He'll sue your ass off. And don't tell me that's not hella scarier than being blasted by magnetic rays or whatever. Which do you actually worry about more: being fried by lighting bolts coming out of some dude's eyes, or being sued by... The Plaintiff. See?

60. Dog Man

OK, if he's riding with you, and he sees another superhero in another car, he's immediately like "HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!" at the top of his lungs and keeps this up for I swear like forty-five minutes by which time the other car is probably halfway to Akron. Drive you nuts. Sometimes appears as alter ego The Whizzer.

56. Enema Lad

Stalwart hero who often tangles with his arch-enemy, The Constipator.

55. The Human Water Pump For A '57 Ford Fairlane

Can transform himself into a water pump for the cooling system of a 1957 Ford Fairlane (models S and SE only).

54. The Beaver

A mutant with webbed feet and adamantium incisors capable of gnawing through an oak tree in under two minutes and holding his breath for a really, really long time.

53. The Human Porch

A man who can turn his body into a porch, with all the powers of a porch. His bug zapper can be dangerous if you touch it.

50.The Broker

Explains to evildoers that investing in stocks, bonds, and other securities provides a better long-term cash yield than killing people and just taking their stuff. Guy has a point.

46Ish, or whatever, I don't care. Apathy Guy

Or something like that. Who cares what he does, I don't, whatever.

47. The Gunman

Basically just shoots people.

46. Captain Inquisitive aka Matt Graham (That anoying guy who asks to many questions)

Run. Just... run.

43. The Shrimp

He has the ability to turn short, skinny and weak. Seems kind of pointless when you think about it.

42. Dodge Man

He has the power to dodge absolutely everything - including tax. Originally he had absolutely no offensive abilities at all, until he worked out he could dodge not-killing someone.

41. Cary Graham

He is apparently imbued with all the powers of god but just doesn't have the time or enthusiasm to do anything cool or worthwhile apart from skinning a cat with his "Skinning a cat vision" but will give lots of bullshit when asked... or not. he doesn't even have a super heroes name for gods sake, or his?

40. The Superfriends

Two ordinary ten-year-old kids named Matt and Jill. The superheroes let them hang around the Super Clubhouse to give the audience someone to identify with. Unfortunately they were captured in the first episode by Doctor Bad Sex and subjected to unspeakably horrific tortures, and returned only when their broken bodies, maimed countenances, and shriveled minds left them in horrible pain as hopelessly insane shells barely recognizable as human beings. Did not test well with target demographic.

75. The Reorderer

Moves items from lists into new positions... and loses the important items! How else can you explain Oscar Wilde not being in this list?

31. The Human Blimp

Blimps people to death, I guess.

30. Activity Girl

Gets evildoers interested in all manner of fun activities (like scrapbooking or whatever) instead of committing crimes.

29. Captain Canada.

Defender of the Canadian Way. Boring, but he's got socialized medicine, which is really useful when you're always gettig hurt by supervillains.

28. The Neighbor

Foils evildoers by borrowing their power tools and never returning them. Ouch, right?

22. Fat Momma

Fat Momma has no power, seriously, but unlike those other "Who Wants to be a Superhero" contestants she also looks totally ridiculous, oh wait, they all look ridiculous, but she, quite literally takes the cake.

(Why isn't she gone by now?)

21. Midge and Skipper

Barbie's best friend, and Barbie's little sister. Skipper. Now there's a name that has "Made up by a roomful of 40-something ad executives" written all over it. What? Right, superheroes. Sorry.

20. The Negro

When he walks into a room, everyone gets real quiet for a second and then start talking about how they support affirmative action or how great Martin Luther King was or how "down" they are with the hot new rap "acts" like Run DMV and M&M. If what they were talking about before was a plot to levitate all the world's parliament buildings into orbit or whatever, this severely disrupts their planning meeting. Plus, we have to have one on the team.

20. The White Guy

When he walks into a room, everyone starts talking like him and then start talking about the latest shenanigans on the golf coarse or at the Nascar race trac. Its mandatory to make him feel like he is the person in charge of everything (even when he knows absolutely nothing). Superpowers consist of making rules then changing them once everyone else starts winning at the rules, supporting a politaical power based on racial issues alone (Its his fault our nation is in the ruins taking place now.), and chastising anyone that is not white to compensate for the fact that he himself is a miserable loser in life. Best know weakness for this hero is seeing a white woman (or any very attractive woman for that matter) all over a race of man stereotypically known for having "well endowments". Its been said that most of these type hereos are mixed with another race, and that their great grands refused to accept it thus causing this super hero to not be so super.......

19. Green Arrow and/or Hawkeye

Dudes who shoot arrows at the evildoers. Think about that for a minute. Did you notice that most big-city police departments don't have a lot of guys armed with bows and arrows? How about U.S. Army -- seen many bow-and-arrow equipped units lately? Gee, do you suppose there's a reason for that? Um, like... bows and arrows are basically useless? These guys would be better off packing a .22. Really, doesn't Thor ever feel like saying "Um Hawkeye I have the power of a god, and you have a weapon that was outmoded by 1500, and you're qualified to be on a team with me how, exactly?" Why not just give these guys silly string and be done with it.

18. I Scream Man

I scream, and he screams too.

17. Manboy

A boy who wants to be a man. He never ages.

16. Shoenee

She has a foot fetish, and just can't stop buying shoes.

15. Big Fat Guy.

All he does is belly flop on people. At least they're bad people.

14. Melt Man

With the power to ... MELT!

13. The Invertebrate

He can't walk or even stand, but boy, can he bounce!

11. Person Man

Person Man, Person Man, Hit on the head with a frying pan, Lives his life in a garbage can, Person Man, Person Man. Is he depressed or is he a mess? Does he feel totally worthless? Who came up with Person Man? Degraded man, Person Man.

10. Secretary of Transportation

Controls the nation's transportation assets.

9. Phlegm Man.

Too disgusting to explain. It involves phlegm, thats for sure.

8. Killingyouguy

That's what he does. Kill you.

7. Mister Ordinary

Is at the exact statistical mean in all attributes. Therefore, wins exactly 50% of his fights.

6. The Exercisist

He is widely rumoured to be Richard Simmons.. He scares off his enemies... (Do you REALLY want to know how?)

4. 1337 Man

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3. Supermoo

A cow who never loses in his boring comics.

2 Captain Obvious.

Captain Obvious is a superhero. Who points out things which are obvious. That is, things which are readily apparent and that you already knew already.

1. Aquaman

Think about it. How many crimes really occur underwater? All the action is on land.

0. You

What the fuck, man? You're not even a superhero!

-1. Negativeman.

A superhero that is actually a super-villain. Nuff' said

-2. Negative Two Man

Just like Negativeman but twice as eviler.

-3. Gay Man

AND when he flies his butt whistles!!

-4. Diarrhea Man

Nobody wants to be saved by Diarrhea Man.

[edit] Honorable Mention

• Batman 2000
• Captain Attourney
• The Credibles
• Doctor Von Komplitziert