Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in

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Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend's house.

The All-Time 100 Worst:

100. April Fools Jokes
99. Bands
98. Cars
97. Celebrity Endorsements
96. Children's Books
95. Colours
94. Computer Games
93. Cryptic Crossword Clues
92. Direct-to-Video Movies
91. Diseases Your Ex-Wife Could Have
90. Firefox extensions
89. Food
88. Football variants
87. Inventions
86. Lists
85. Locations
84. Look alikes
83. Make Out Songs
82. Money Making Schemes
81. Movies
80. Nonexistent Words
79. Numbers
78. Nutty Conspiracy Theories
77. Overused Star Trek Episode Plots
76. Pick-up lines
75. Pokemon Cash-Ins
74. Porn Movies
73. Porn Stars
72. Quick Detections that an Uncyclopedia page sucks
71. Reasons to become a Christian
70. Reflections on 2005
69. Reflections on 2006
68. Reflections on 2007
67. Reflections on 2008
66. Remakes
65. Restaurants
64. Ringtones
63. Self Help Books
62. Sequels
61. Sexual Perversions
60. Short Poems
59. Sitcom Catchphrases
58. Songs
57. Songs about Seagulling
56. Songs Referencing Paedophilia
55. Songs To Have Sex To
54. Spinoffs
53. Suicide Ideas
52. Superheroes
51. Things
50. Things to do during Christmas
49. Things to Put In An IV
48. Things to say on a First Date
47. Things to Stick your Dick in
46. Toys
45. TV Programs
44. Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
43. Video Game Movies
42. Video Game Systems
41. Ways to be Circumcized
40. Ways to Deliver Bad News
39. Ways to Die (Best)
38. Ways to Die (Worst)
37. Ways to Start a Novel
36. Ways to Win an Argument
35. Wonders of the World

[view • discuss • edit]

“Helpful, practical and very informative.”

~ Peter Travers on this list

According to God's True Word, the following are the Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.

1 125-101
2 100-91
3 90-81
4 80-71
5 70-61
6 60-51
7 50-41
8 40-31
9 30-21
10 20-11
11 10-1

[edit] 125-101

125. Napalm: It's better to use KY Jelly
124. The Bacon Slicer.
123. McDonald's Hot Apple Pie: Need we say more?
122. Paris Hilton
121. The slot in the box at the back of the church.
120. Between a rock and a hard place: The other hard place, dumbass
119. A skull.
118. A Big Mac: I don't need to put my dick through something from McDonald's, it's fat enough already!
117. Lava
116. A crack in the sidewalk
115. A Compact Disc.
114. Your dead grandma: It is illegal....right?
113. The barrel of a gun: Hooray for the Darwin Awards.
112. A pop can: its like a vagoo, except instead of enjoyment and bragging rights you get lots of blood and ridiculed
111. Madonna's mouth: that's a lot of trouble to go through to get her to shut the hell up...
110. Madonna: Just, eww...
109. The Cast Of Cocoon: "Wilford Brimley. Need I say more?"
108. Wilford Brimley: "Almost as bad as above."
107. Rosie O'Donnell: "Going were no man has before!"
106. Box of razor blades.
105. Your Mom
104. GHB
103. Gerbil: "Is that you Mr.Slave?"
102. A tube of Icy Hot: "Cool at first, but then it skrews you over, kinda like crystal meth."
101. A Vat of Bleach: "It also burns"

[edit] 100-91

100. Hoju (paul cartwright): "He would just bite it right off"
99. Beetroot: "What a stain that would leave"
98. Your own ass: "That's just wrong"
97. Your own peehole: Though it presents an interesting logical conundrum
96. Vanilla Coke: "It burns"
95. Carboard tube: "Paper cuts there hurt ten times as much."
94. That goatse guy: Even though it would easily fit.
93. An Electrical Socket: This proves that not all female ends are suitible for fucking.
92. A garbage disposal.
91. That old woman next door

[edit] 90-81

90. A floppy disk drive: I don't care how floppy your 3 1/2 inch "disk" is, it DOES NOT belong in there.
89. Wikipedia: type with your hands, dumbass!
88. Britney Spears' Make-up Kit: she touched her face, then the make-up; the make-up touched the case; Now where has her face been?
87. Uncyclopedia: well, you wouldn't be the first
86. A Mouse Hole: It's cats that go after mice, not chicken.
85. Mother Teresa: Necrophilia is generally considered to be a no-no.
84. Chinese Finger Trap: But, if you do, trying to get it out only makes it worse.
83. Potato soup: well, last time I did it, I left the soup out. Then my grandma got hungry...
82. Venetian blinds
81. A Denny's employee's steak: "waiter, I'd like it well-done, if you know what I mean!."

[edit] 80-71

80. A CD burner: though it would be nice to be able to play "Cum Fly with Me" in the shower.
79. A flaming melon: You've seen it all too often on America's Funniest Home Videos.
78. Vending Machines: Wrong type of Slit.
77. Lukewarm Hawaiian Punch: trust me, it stains badly.
76. The Batmobile's exhaust pipe
75. 40 cakes: That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.
74.
73. A record player: "It's called latex, not vinyl."
72. Your Own Mouth: You'll either snap your neck or develop a bad kink in your back. Or you could even snap your dick in two.
71. Oscar Wilde: He won't give it back

[edit] 70-61

70. A vacuum: There are better ways to clean it.
69. A Barbeque: Not that hot-dog, stupid!
68. A Fireplace: Although it would make a fast and easy marshmellow roasting stick.
67. A white dwarf: That's a star, dumbass.
66. The Magician's Nephew: Aslan does not approve of it.
65. Sausage Grinder: It's not meant for that kind of sausage.
64. Windows XP: instability? spyware? worms? viruses? TROJANS?
63. Microsoft Powerpoint: too many templates...you never know who used them last.
62. Those red-velvet ropes: They would give you rug burns on your thing. Now woudn't that be embarassing!
61. Category-6 LAN terminators: it's just too confusing with two configurations. You just don't know which one to put it in!

[edit] 60-51

60. An audio cassette player: Have you seen what they can do to tapes?
59. Elephant Ears: The ~~white stuff~~ powdered sugar gets everywhere.
58. That cartridge slot in your Super Nintendo Entertainment System: I know those systems are a lot of fun, but for God's sake try to show some dignity!
57. Anyone who knows what #58 is: they're up to no good.
56. Your car's ignition: It's impossible to buckle your seat belt in this position.
55. Lycos: Your piece won't be the only thing popping up.
54.
53. A Food Processor: Anyone up for some rocky mountain oysters?
52. A chocolate donut: Ruins the taste.
51. A Treasure Chest: Wrong kind of Booty.

[edit] 50-41

50. Knife rack slots: one slip...
49. A Keyhole: "Hold on honey I'm just going to open the door."
48. Swiss Cheese
47. A Cigar Cutter: A little bit more than off the top.
46. The Green Glass Door
45. Up a faucet: I think I hit the g-spot!
44. The spout of a teapot: What type of tea would you prefer? Would you like mint, camomile, Earl Gray or OH MY GOD SOMEBODY'S PUTTING THEIR DICK UP THE TEA SPOUT!!!
43. Car Exhaust: Excluding the position you would have to get into, and the size you would need to be, this is just a really really bad idea.
42.
41. The Village Dump: "If you use the VD you're sleeping with everyone else who's used it" -Splaka

[edit] 40-31

40. A Grue

Zork

Score: 0

Moves: 0

>look

There is a Grue

>insert(dick; grue);

Your dick has been eaten by a grue.

>Start Over

39. Custard: Yes, it is made with milk and eggs, but it's not the kind of milk that you're thinking of, or eggs.
38. Particle accelorators: But hey, look on the bright side! At least you will have a very electric personality!
37. Brass instruments: You're two letters off, bud.
36. A bucket full of KFC's eleven herbs and spices chicken: The herbs feel fine but the spices will leave you in a whole lotta pain for weeks.
35. A can opener: I just came over here to open a can of "Cunt's Tomato Soup" and this is what I get!?
34. A Manual Juicer: Slightly less painfull than #33... slightly.
33. An Automatic Juicer: Home-made Pimp Juice... yummy.
32. Pocket Protectors
31. A Guillotine: Be safe, wear protection, use a titanium condom.

[edit] 30-21

30. A Taco: If it's pink, its fine
29. Glasses: unless you have express consent from the party wearing said glasses.
28. A Lion: JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR!
27. Pita: or PETA, since neither agrees with wieners.

it's just too easy to ruin the papers

26. Euroipods
25. Porridge: There's too much cream involved.
24. Joints: they "canoe" too much this way.
23. David Fan: He might not notice. But if he does, get the tissues ready.
22. Your fresh graffitti: and you thought it was bad getting caught red handed!
21. Hummingbird feeders: They're circling in for the kill

[edit] 20-11

20. Happy: A tried and true method of making you just the opposite.
19. Printer paper trays: when it starts to feed...
18. Crimethink: Minitrue will mark you doubleplusungood, and you don't need a reputation like that.
17. Standard Deviations: Because if you do more than three statistically it can reasonably be assumed that you have no dick.
16. Carpet rolls: I've just seen one too many cartoons in which some animal crawls into one.
15. A bong: you can either suck to clear the chamber or suck to clear your "head", but don't mix the two.
14. Your Toaster Oven: Lets recap, Pussy = Warm, Pie = Warm, Toaster Oven = Warm, but only the latter one will burn you.
13. Broadway: If you Rent it there, some Greasy character named Sweeny Todd may try to play Hot Feet.
12. Fax Machines: unlike Star Trek's transporters, fax machines don't reassemble the torn-apart particles of whatever was in it.

No self-respecting archaeologist would be caught dead with a ~~whore-~~were-jaguar.

11. Olmec art: neither in nor near. It's not friendly looking...

[edit] 10-1

10. A Cup: if the size is less than C, chances are that it's statutory.
9. The VCR: I'll be fucked if those tape heads will ever be clean again.
8. A deflector dish
7. if you got to, YOUR OWN HANDS: wash 'em! wash 'em you dirty, dirty nerd!
6. Britney Spears: Her make up was bad enough
5. A deep fryer: "Extra crispy, please!"
4. An automatic Pencil Sharpener: Only dull people do this.
3. Soap powder: Ever see Fight Club? Ouch.
2. Liquid Nitrogen: Get a hammer and you can give yourself cheap castration.
1. Michael Jackson