Worst 100 Ways to Win an Argument

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“What? Just 94? Who wrote this page?”

~ Oscar Wilde on winning an argument

And on the 159 day the Lord said: "Thou shalt win the argument, for thou art Texan"

FBI

Note: The Lord actually doesn't really care.

The basic rule for winning an argument can be boiled down to this: you're more likely to win an argument if you have a strong command of the facts, a good understanding of logic, the ability to express your point of view clearly and concisely and talking about it like men, with guns.

[edit] The List

999 999 999 999. Say "Look behind you!" - then run

9001. Tell them about your power level.

1234. Perform reenactments of the movie SAW upon them.

2026. Hand them a gift-wrapped box with an aggravated, poisonous snake inside. Beckon them to open.

1343. Rape/Surprise Butt-Sex.

1343. I win, no, no, no, I won.

1343. Stop fucking with me Elton John isn't gay

1342. you dropped something..... your FACE hahaha

1341. I will strike down on you with great vengeance, against those who attempt to corrupt and poison my brothers, and you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. then call samuel jackson

1340. Yeh well. I had your mother

1339. 0MG N00B

1338. Say, "Oh yeah? Well YOU'RE STUPID!" or "At least I'm not stupid"

1337. UR 4 1053R!

1336. If you're on the internet, tell them they can't read or say their English is poor.

1335. Bare your fangs at them

667. Tell your opponent that you're right/their wrong "Because I said so"

666

Become Satan.

665. Kill all blasphemers who say "Because I said so" for their presumptuous affront to reason

652. Ban them from your IRC channel

300. "THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!!!"

104. Bigger/Smaller than yours.

103. At least I have one.

102. I'm right. You're wrong. DEAL.

101. Try to back up your arguments with facts from third sources

"Oh ya, well last night at my Aryan White Brotherhood meeting, they told me a different story. . . BITCH"

100. Always reply with "OK" or "sure".

99. Video tape their side of the argument, mail it to MST3K

98. "You're not making any sense!"

97. "Go back to the kitchen!"

96. Use ebonics.

"YOU LIE BITCH!"

95. 25 pounds of C- 4.

94. Quote Oscar Wilde.

975. Tell them your dad can beat up their dad.

94.5. End every statement with "QED".

93. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.

92. "I'm in your washing machine, stealing all your Bubbles!"

91. Remind them of an embarrassing event.

90. Leave to sharpen your knives and clean your guns.

89. Threaten to kill their family, family pet thingy or them.

88. If you don't care, you can't lose.

87. Put your fingers in your ears and start singing the "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA"

86. Start making gay advances.

85. Say "Yeah well your mom..." and improvise from that point.

84. "Takes one to know one!"

83. Scream "fascist baby-eating killer" at them so loud your spit soaks their face.

82. Just yell "bullshit" every time they state a fact.

81. Defecate on them.

80. Quote a non-existent bible verse.

"And the LORD said unto Moses, 'The highest praise unto me is when a husband does know together his wife and another woman at the same time, and woe is to the wife who refuses this.'" -Deuteronomy (37:3-4) (If you don't get this, see To Know)

79. Use the good old fashioned northern tactic of saying “bollocks” after everything they say.

If this continues for more than two minutes inform them that you have a brick.

78. Switch language.

77. Use a song lyric

"The problem's plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanized. So you see, taking out Terri Shiavo's feeding tube was the right thing to do"

76. "WANT 2 C MY POKEMONS?!?"

75. Reply to everything they say with, "FOR ME TO POOP ON!" Example - "Your face is ugly." ... "FOR ME TO POOP ON"

74. "Screw you guys... I'm going home."

73. "No No NO! Yoump Yaw, Me Yaw!"

72. Scream "Now I wont give YOU the antidote!!!"

71. Call in your Mother.

70. Blame it on FEMA, " The reason Evolution doesn't exist is FEMA didn't handle Hurricane Katrina well."

69. Say their spouse/girlfriend is pregnant.

68. Say something along the lines of "Well, isn't that Ironic?" or "That's totally irrelevant." completely out of context.

67. Compare them to Hitler

"I'm pretty sure Hitler said something just like that..." or "That sounds an awful lot like something Hitler might say..."

66. "I'm going to drown you in my own vomit if you don't shut the hell up..."

65. Throw a tantrum 

Hey, it works for toddlers and women.

64. Call them a "liberal" 

Works especially well in the U.S., not so well in Scandinavia.

63. Fake a massive heart attack 

Go for their sympathy.

62. Challenge them to a duel at sunrise 

Most people won't consider the argument worth gambling their life on, and besides it's such a pain getting up that early.

61. The Monty Python Method 

"No it isn't." "Yes it is." "No it isn't."

60. "That's what She said"

59. Double Barrel Middle Finger Scream "Boo-YAH!".

58. Call in a DJ, Try to change the argument into a freestyle battle rap.

57. Quivering lower lip.

56. Claim that life is an illusion, reality is subjective and we're just an interpretation of ourselves then counter every argument with "Sure, that how YOU perceive it."

55. Hit opponent on the head with a hammer in an attempt to cause amnesia.

54. Attempt the old duck season!/rabbit season! trick.

53 Pull out your cellphone and tell your opponent it's a bullshit detector. Make beeping sounds with your mouth as you wave it near her.

52. Do a Barrel Roll! (Works best if in a boat.)

51. The Joe McCarthy gambit

Tell them you have an incontrovertible counter-argument on a piece of paper in the sealed envelope in your hand. Do not show the the contents of the envelope.

50. Say "So BASICALLY you agree with me." in reply to anything they say, no matter what.

49. If you start to lose bring up the genocide in Darfur. Example "You may have a point, but doesn't it just seem petty when you consider all that genocide in Darfur."

48. Bring up your opponents propensity of prevarication, followed by the flammability of his or her trousers.

47. Use koans. Claim that by not arguing you have already won.

46. Emit a loud, gameshow like buzzer sound every time your opponent makes a point

45. Activate a loud gameshow buzzer every time your opponent makes a point. Use The Price is Right's waat-waaaaaah noise if necessary.

44. Reveal that you're Ghandi,Mother Teresa or Martin Luther King so that your opponent feels like a dickweed for starting an argument with Ghandi, Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King.

43. Ask "Why?" every time he/she ends a sentence.

42. insult insult insult!

41. USE ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME!

40. Insert Crazy Frog noises into your argument to drive your opponent insane. Ziiiingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingding!!!

39. Call Shenanigans

"Thats it you've brought this upon yourself, I'm calling shenanigans on you!"

24. Transform into Jack Bauer.

23. Sue them or threaten to.

20. Blame Satan 

Could it be.. SATAN?

18. Claim to have grossly accusing evidence against them personally..... 

...when you really don't.

17. Call the KGB 

In Soviet Russia, Night disappears in YOU!!

16. Bring in the guards 

"Seize him!"

15. Charge them with treason and falsify circumstantial evidence 

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

14. Blame it on the conservatives 

It's all their fault!

13. Blame it on the Communists 

Freakin' Commies!

12. Blame it on the El Nin'o 

Works best if you really mean PMS.

11. Quote (or create) a random statistic 

Did you know that 99.9% of the time, people will believe you if you have a statistic to back you up?

10. Plaster an embarrassing secret about them all over Worst 100 Ways to Deliver Bad News

9 Bill has AIDS!!!

8. Violence solves everything!

Slap them with a frying pan, sledgehammer or rusty ax!

7. "DO NOT WANT!!!!"

6. a. Do Something b. ??? c. Profit!

5. Quote the sixth day, when the lord said

"Don't even muthafuckin' think about it... Bitch."

4. Choke them with the Force.

3. "At least I have chicken."

2. Hire Ninjas or Pirates.

1. Crucify them.

0. Admit you've lost the argument then say, "Yea, but I am consoled by the fact that..."

"...I slept with your girlfriend..." (grin then look like you just remembered something) "...when we were alone with your sister..." (Pause and look like you'd feel guilty if you didn't apologize) "...while your mom was watching...and she was actually impressed."

When you've done all this, your opponent will attack you at which point you can kill him in self-defense.

-1. The Russian Reversal. In Soviet Russia your sister fucked YOU!!

-2. "I'm more Jesus than you!!!!"

'-3. cos i win

-4. If you don't agree with me you're a terrorist

-5. By using all of these arguments at once, and seeing them yell "Ahh I give up!!!"

-6. Say " Oh my God, a piano falling from the sky is about to hit you", then a) wait till they look up then punch them or, b)Wait for them to say "i'm not falling for that!" then watch the piano kill them.

-7 "If you strike me down I will become more powerful then you can possibly immagine!"

-8. Say, "Okay, we'll flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose."