Wu-Tang Clan
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This elite group of ninja revolutionaries arose in the early 1890s to challenge the authority of the various secret societies ruling the world, including the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Newscorp and the Spanish Inquisition. The Clan pledged to free the world from impending doom and usher in a brave new era in which everyone will be stoned, wear their own clothing line and talk in incomprehensible but nonetheless impressive speech, a.k.a Wu Ebonics.
The name "Wu-Tang" comes from a chinese mountain, whose name literally translated meant "Great Hill that is nothing ta fuck with".
Their methods of fighting include Shaolin Shadowboxing and Wu-Tang sword style, as well as a vicious type of torture creatively named Torture, nigga... Torture!. It was rumoured that only a select few would be able to learn these methods. All others who tried would be subject to travelling to the 4th Chamber never to return. The rumour was proven trued in 1992 by Stephen Colbert and his team of Lindsay Lohan clones... all of whom did not survive.
Charismatic leader of the Wu-Tang Clan, RZA, describes the group's philosophy as so: "It was Grandmaster Flash and Huey P. Newton, the true older gods, who showed the people of Earth the math of the 26th dimension which proved that all Rap was meaningless, and that the world was calling for the Wu with desperatation <sic>. Realmatizing <sic> this, I gathered from all people on earth the most mythical of all the mythic mathematic martial artists for an ultimate competition. The winners of this competition were chosen to form the Wu-Tang Clan. The Clan, along with all the suns, moons and gods, built the 36 chambers to contain the truth of the Grandmaster and Huey P's mathematics, all 26 dimensions plus room for 10 extra dimensions". In response to this, Wu-Tang fans unanimously responded, "Huh?"
Speculation has recently risen that Barack Obama will appoint the Wu-Tang Clan to become his Cabinet. At this time is is unknown which positions each member will take, only that Raekwon will be subjected to becoming the White House cook.
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[edit] Founding Members
Since their inception, the Wu-Tang Clan has grown to a point where they are considered "their own race" (including Dave Chappelle, Redman, and half the population of New York) but their most notable members are widely considered their founding members.
- RZA: Both Quentin Tarantino's film production professor and the undisputed leader of the Wu-Tang Clan. Nobody knows for certain what his powers are, but they must be unspeakably awesome to command the Wu-Tang. The strongest exisiting theory is that he keeps all members in check by endlessly spouting babble with such confidence that all figure it must be terribly profound. RZA is also known as Bobby Dig-It-All, due to his passion for amateur treasure hunting.
- GZA: A pupil of Jesus, Bruce Lee, and chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov, He is a renowned scientologist as well as a member of Mensa, CIVIQ Society, Prometheus Society, Top One Percent Society, and Intertel. GZA has an IQ of 23495842 (he insisted on taking the IQ test over and over until he got a question wrong, but eventually got tired). He can approach speeds of over 1000 MPH while on a segway, and roughly twice that on foot. The GZA also claims to be "all formin' like Voltron," which leads scholars to believe that he could be descended from robots. Another little known fact is that the character of Jack Bauer from the hit tv series 24 is actually based on the GZA.
- Ol' Dirty Bastard: A reincarnated Ultra Jesus fused with the DNA Mr. Miyagi. With his awesome powers he was assigned to be "the Osiris of this shit" (most likely by himself). He is so powerful that "Jacques Cousteau can never hit this note." (Note: This note is very high.)
- Method Man: The only member that can rival GZA's intellectual skills (a distant second place, thanks to hyper-frequent smoking). Method Man's name refers to his precise method for doing everything he does because he has OCD. If you make fun of his OCD he will, in his own words, fuckin cut off your eyelids and feed you nothing but sleeping pills. He is also known for sewing your asshole closed and feeding you, and feeding you and feeding you. These feedings generally take place in the slums of Shaolin, where they serve the most delightful dim sum soup.
- Inspectah Deck: A freed ex-convict once incarcerated for his fraudulent deck and patio termite inspections. Deck was brought to court after having falsely claimed for the decks of his clients to be termite infested and charging them for costly termite extermination. Upon release from jail, Deck moved on to inspecting gazebos rather than decks, but did not change his name to Inspectah Gazebo because well, that just sounds gay. Deck is an avid reader, but experiences great difficulty writing, as every time he puts pen to paper a tremendous explosion occurs.
- Raekwon: The chef of the clan. His main fighting techniques include beating people with frying pans, throwing boiling water at them, and sticking forks in them. It is unknown whether or not he can really cook, and boxes of empty Micro Magic have been discovered in the kitchen where he prepares his suspiciously named "All So Simple Raekwon Fries".
- Ghostface Killah: Wooot. Finally. It took me a severe acid overdose and 2 years in SWAT training to gather the courage to write a paragraph about *gulp* *heavy sweat* *puke* *clean keyboard* *gulp* Ghostface Killah *shiver*. This ancient being, known for putting rappers' jaws in wires and getting shot in the back while stealing some old man's tv set now spends his days breaking up the concerts of 50 cent and others that displease him by merely showing up. Why does he do this, you ask? Don't. His name is derived from the fact that he looks like a normal human being, but his face happens to be a ghost. The ghost is widely recognized to be the ghost of John Wilkes Boothy. It is said that Ghostface Killah has not aged since the collapse of the Persian Empire. Moreover, if you stare directly into his eyes, Ghostface Killah can and will consume your soul, as he has done many times before. Additionally, he has the ability to force a man's eyeballs out of their skull and crush their hearts by forming a fist with his right hand. To Ghostface Killah, time and space are just minor annoyances in his quest to rule the world with an iron fist. He can travel through time and instantly materialize on any given terrain. This has allowed him to assassinate many of his foes with ease. His favorite method is looking at his enemy while swirling his index finger around in the air. An onlooker would see the target writhing in pain and may have no idea why. What Ghostface Killah is really doing is swirling his foe's brain from the inside until it becomes some gooey muck that then proceeds to pour out of either earlobe. Obviously if your name is Ghostface Killah you have to be the most bad ass muthafucka out there.
- Masta Killa: Originally known as Pasta Killa, Killa changed his name when he lost his can opener and could no longer eat Chef Boyardee products. However, he sticks to his pasta-loving roots with his Wu Gambino name, Noodles. The little-known 10th member of the Wu Tang Clan, ZZA was assassinated by the renamed Masta Killa when he jokingly referred to him as "Masta Bayta" after the covered-up "Victoria Secret in the McDonalds Restroom Incident".
- U-God: No one actually knows who this is. Rumor has it that the rest made him up to have 9 members because 9 is a much better number than 8. When you turn 9 upside down, it's 6. Some people think that's pretty cool. I know I do.
- Capadonna: A member of the Wu-Tang Clan, but actually not. Or actually, he belongs to the group, but he doesn't belong to the group. Know what I mean?
[edit] Enter The Wu-Tang
The entrance to the Wu-Tang is next-door-but-one to the butcher's on Walnut Street, Staten Island. According to legend Raekwon discovered this entrance by accident one day when he was building some Cuban links out of Lego. The story goes that 'The Chef' had run out of red Lego bricks and was attempting to procure some more from a local 'Horse Nigga' round the back of the butchers when he tripped and fell into the Wu-Tang entrance. This has been noted as one of the biggest coincidences ever, as Raekwon had been looking for such an entrance a year previously, but had given up after becoming distracted by eating some Ben & Jerry's ice cream and being so impressed that he had to write a song about it. Since this day, the group has put up a spiffy neon sign that makes it much easier to find.
[edit] Wu-Tang Forever
In 1997 the Wu-Tang Clan became immortal. Apparently this was achieved via some secret process which involved Ol' Dirty rubbing moonshine on his fellow clansmen's asses, after which he traveled back in time to the late 1970's to do battle with a kraken in Lake Placid, New York.
Whilst Ol' Dirty was in the past, he also found a moment to interrupt the 1979 Oscars. During Francis Ford Coppola's acceptance speech for the Best Dressed Heathen Award, ODB grabbed the microphone and loudly proclaimed that "Wu-Tang is for the Railway Children!", before setting fire to Dustin Hoffman's curtains and running off cackling into the night.
[edit] The W
In 2000 the Clan decided to erect a giant W in Central Park, Manhattan so no-one would forget what the 23rd letter of the alphabet was. Ghostface and Raekwon painstakingly constructed the W out of palm Trees whilst RZA dug a huge pit and filled it with gravel to use as the base. Within the gravel pit they buried 5,000,000$ and told their extremely good friend Jimmy Durante about the cash and he proceeded to drive himself off of a cliff in the desert. Somehow Milton Berle, Ethel Merman, and Mickey Rooney found out from Durante, and upon taking a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad quest across the country they were greeted by The Entire Clan who proceeded to employ the Wu-Tang Sword Style, flying guillotine, as well as Shaolin Shadowboxing to dismember the washed up Vaudevillians.
Unfortunately the W was turned upside down by vandals in 2004 and now looks like an M, the 13th letter of the alphabet, resulting in all round bad luck for the group (as well as the symbol for a California based Mexican gang of prison hoodlums). This incident angered Ghostface so much that he changed his alias from Pretty Tony to Furious Tony and spent several months punching a hole through Ben Stiller's pancreas. Raekwon was less annoyed and merely walked around looking slightly miffed for a week or so.
It is also rumored that the W was intended to pay homage to George W. Bush, who is part of the Illuminati. This was done in order to protect the interest's of the clan, such as Ghostface's coke smuggling business (refer to Fishscale album cover).
[edit] Iron Flag
Iron flags are believed to be the tenth most useless objects in the universe. Little is known about the reason behind Wu-Tang's purchase of the world's biggest iron flag in 2001, but the decision to donate it to a local Burger King was hailed as a tremendous act of selflessness until the flag fell on two children two days later, crushing them instantly (along with their Whoppers).
It appears that Inspectah Deck was asleep at the time of this generous hand out (as well as the tragic crushing), but when he woke up and heard the news he was compelled to rush out and buy several biographies of Benjamin Disraeli and read them at high speed. He was so impressed with Disraeli's political genius that he was moved to set up a modeling agency - Urban Iconz Models. Mostly females are selected, but all the hermaphrodite models are hand picked by Inspectah Deck himself.
[edit] 8 Diagrams
Following Ol' Dirty Bastard's ascension to heaven, the Wu-tang Clan reformed to produce 8 Diagrams. Unleashing long held secrets of The Beatles, these diagrams are now considered some of the greatest works of art ever produced with Denny's placemats and Crayolas.
[edit] Racial Draft
The Wu-Tang Clan is now largely considered half Chinese, half Wu-Tang because of the events of the Racial Draft as related by Dave Chappelle in one of his documentaries. This also resulted in Ol' Dirty Bastard becoming known as the Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant, and the Year of the Monkey being renamed the Year of the Uzi (or pinky ring). The year of the dragon became the year of the Chessboxing. The year of the snake became the year of the snake style. The year of the pig became the year of the Raekwon. The year of the dog became the year of the Gravel Pit.
