Xbox

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The crappiness of this article begins with its lowercase letter. Do not be alarmed. This is a necessary inclusion.

WARNING: This page has been accused of spreading anti-Microsoft propaganda. Anyone who looks at, edits, or thinks about it will be summarily exploded.

The average Xbox, contained in a box-shaped black hole to allow it to be transported. The actual system weighs about pounds, approximately 5 times the mass of the sun.

(If this is your first time using this device, please read this handy instruction manual first. If it is not, then you are likely already a soulless abomination, and are banned for not having a soul.)

“That's no moon...”

~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on Xbox

“I wonder what happens if you open the case...”

~ Someone on their xBox, shortly before being sucked into a black hole and sued

“Must... obey... Bill Gates... buy more games... Vista is good... Apple is evil...”

~ You on the xBox after playing it for a few minutes

“Bwahahahahahahahaha!! Dance for me, minion! DANCE!! YOU SHALL DAN-”

~ Bill Gates on the previous quote

“-CRITICAL ERROR ”

~ BSoD interupting Bill Gates

“All your competitive advantage are belong to us. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.”

~ Microsoft on E3 2008

The Xbox is the greatest (speaking in terms of size) product Microsoft has made so far, and the second worst (behind Windows Vista). It's successful because if you don't buy one immediately, Bill Gates will destroy your entire neighborhood with his death ray tornado machine chicken feet from priosn break, water gun giant hydro bombs etc etc all that stufff, and enslave your souls for eternity (your lives, afterlives and more lives). So far it has sold 12 million units worldwide, and scientists theorize that over 7 of those systems actually work. Their work has, however, been largely discredited, and they have been accused of accepting bribes from Microsoft to claim the figure is that high.

It was designed by Bill Gates in 1996 but wasn't released until 1998. It was one of the most successful game consoles ever made, because it's commercials contained subliminal messages and subtle hypnosis that caused people who saw the commercials to have an irrational urge to buy video game consoles that have names that, for some reason, start with an X.

[edit] xBox Games

Xbox games are usually created by locking a bunch of nerdy programmers in a small room with several computers and nothing to eat. The games are taken out and put in nice boxes when everyone in the room has been dead for a week. If there is evidence of cannibalism, the game is sold as a Platinum Hit.

• Blue Screen Of Death

Bill Gates successfully converted the blue screen of death into a video game console, ensuring that people would buy it and ignore the flaws

• Red Ring of Death - One of the xBox's highest selling games, it made Bill Gates a fortune because of a glitch that made the user have to buy a new Xbox 360. However, by this time the player is so addicted to the xBox that they do this repeatedly, until they run out of money.
• Midtown Madness 3 - A racing game with absolutely no good plot and crappy car physics and too many jumps. cars that won't exlode and faces of mosnters
• Halo - Shoot aliens, wander around looking for more aliens to shoot.
• Halo 3 - Just like the first one, but now the lighting engine constantly vomits brightly colored bloom into your face and stuffstuffffff
• Blank 2: Even More Emptiness - A very successful game, a special edition xBox was created that appeared to be an empty box - mainly because it WAS an empty box. However, YOU still bought it, and actually imagined that you had an advanced game system, because you are completely under Bill's dark powers.
• Fable - Get drunk, get laid, murder, steal. Basically, Grand Theft Auto in the middle ages. actually not that much like grand thaft auto cuz theres no cars in the middle ages :P
• Dead or Alive - created by boys locked in a room, with no contact with the opposite sex whatsoever.
• Doom II - Developed by Lucifer Software in 1993, a critical error caused any console that tried to play this game to turn into a portal to Hell. Fortunately, the millions of demons that poured through the gateways were all destroyed by one soldier, who started fighting them with only a pistol, but found many conveniently placed weapons, health, and armor pickups, eventually managing to destroy the hordes of demons. However, critics of the game accused him of playing on 'Easy' mode, and many believe he used cheats.
• Halo 4000 XIII Two: The Sequel - The same as the first game, just like all the other ones in the series.

• Generic Title - One of the most successful games ever released, it's an insert genre here that features insert character name here fighting insert enemy here for insert faction here at insert location here. Insert plot here.

[edit] As a WMD

The US briefly experimented with removing the black holes that contain the xBox, and seeing what damage it could cause. However, the government decided that it was too dangerous, and moved on to much safer research, such as nuclear warfare, and had a lot of success with teleporting large stone cubes into people they didn't like. Most of the research on the destructive capabilities of the system was conducted off planet, after one incident when the first black hole was removed, and the system nearly crushed half of Texas. Contrary to the government's cover-ups, and 'millions of years ago' crap, those tests are what actually wiped out all life on Mars.

[edit] History

The failure of an Xbox gravity drive system almost destroyed the Earth. However, through lies, propaganda, bribery, hypnotism, and the systematic destruction of all records of the period and their replacement by clever but false versions, Microsoft managed to call the incident World War II, and pinned the blame on Germany and Hitler, who was actually a nice guy that a lot of people got along with.

The console was developed thousands of years ago, by Bill Gates. He developed it while he wandered the Earth, waiting for computers to develop so that he could corrupt and eventually take over a suitable nerd host. He started out as a kind person, but the agonizing boredom of having absolutely nothing to do but throw rocks at critters while he waited for the modern age eventually drove him to insanity. He started by designing an operating system that would force the user to restart every few minutes to prevent his computer from exploding and killing him. Then, he made it easy to design programs to hack it, with the WinVirus, WinHacker, and WinIdentityTheft tools. After he designed the operating system, he made it possible to change the hardware with ease, effectively making it impossible to create a game that works on most computers. Then, he created the xBox so that all the people who finally gave up trying to make Tetris work on their PC would buy another of his products to play games on. He built it with an attatchment to the remote control that took over your mind if you played it for more than 30 minutes. Symptoms of being one of Bill's mind slaves include poor vision, always using Windows despite the flaws, spending hours on the computer, frequently paying $50 for a game that will only entertain you for a few hours, then gets thrown away, rationalizing the design flaws by saying it's worth it, and having no girlfriend.

[edit] Xbox 360

Logo of Xbox 360: an X, a Box, and a 360-degree circle.

The xBox 360 was created by Bill Gates after the massive success of the original xBox. He built it because the original xBox had several critical design flaws. The console occasionally didn't crash when it was turned on, sometimes it was possible to make a game work for more than 5 seconds, and the shards of plastic that flew everywhere when the system exploded if you managed to make a game work weren't always fatal. Thus, the xBox 360 was developed.

They installed Vista on it, replaced the laser that read the disc with a belt sander, and replaced the eject button with a blasting cap hooked up to 2 pounds of C4. The only other noticeable change is replacing both black holes with a single Gravity Drive, that is much more unstable, and would take out the entire planet if it failed. The price was doubled to make up for this technological advance, and then it was put into a new case that made people think it was improved. Each xBox 360 comes with a free game called Red Ring of Death, which monitors the time you play and causes the Gravity Drive to overheat if you use the system more than 15 minutes. To fix this problem, Bill Gates commanded all of his mind-slaves to attack Sony and Nintendo headquarters, then loot their hardware and place it in new xBox 360s. In fact, that's what YOU were doing when you THOUGHT you went to see that movie.

DISCLAIMER - Microsoft is not responsible for crippling injuries, dismemberment, death/undeath, maiming, petrification, or lethal 2-inch daggers of plastic flying everywhere that may occur by using, buying, opening, looking at, or thinking about the xBox.

[edit] Modding an xBox

Reading, or even looking at the title of this section has violated the terms of your end-user license agreement and has given Bill Gates the right to burn down your house, cannablize your family, fornicate your dog and use the attachment that came with your xBox to enslave your soul and send it to Microsoft headquarters, where it will be corrupted and bound inside an xBox for eternity. Remember, only YOU can prevent the heretics from destroying Microsoft's empire. And don't forget your daily send-all-income-to-Gates ritual, or you will burn in hell for eternity. Have a nice day! And remember, Microsoft and Bill Gates are your friends!

[edit] Destruction Methods

• Turn it on.
• Not turn it on
• Think negative thoughts about Bill Gates
• Think positive of Steve Jobs and or anybody else
• Play Gears of War for more than 5 minutes -WARNING- Explosion may cause heavy collateral damage
• Get a speck of dust inside, on the case, or within 500 feet of it.
• Place the console near a black hole - the console will absorb the black hole and collapse into a singularity that will annihilate the universe
• Hack the software and install Windows Vista on it
• Hack the software and install anything at all on it
• Hack some other, completely unrelated product
• Open the box
• Be related to someone who knows a guy that used to live near someone who used to use Linux
• Perform an exorcism on it -WARNING- will release an evil Demon Lord, known only as "ɮʝɭɭ Ɠɚɨɛʂ", that will destroy the planet
• Think about considering looking in the general direction of a picture of a PS3 or Wii
• Attempt to kill Bill Gates by hooking it up to a battery, turning on Gears of War, and then boxing it and shipping it to him
• Turn it off, unplug it, place it in a sealed container, throw the container into a black hole, create a rift in space-time and place the black hole into a dimension where time, space, energy, and matter don't exist. It will still explode.
• Move the console, including from the store to your car, and taking it out of the packaging.
• Place a PS3 disc into the console; it will explode and implode at the same time, creating a paradox that will cause space-time to collapse
• Save

[edit] Notable Achievements

[edit] See also

PSWiiTendo 360
Playstation Wii60