X-Men

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“Why can't it be C-men?”

~ Stan Lee on why the writers ignored his original idea for the X-men's name

“A-men”

~ Raptor Jesus on Stanley's Quote

“C-Men... tee-hee!”

~ most people on Xbox Live

The X-Men, also known as XXX-Men are a group of 19th century factory worker's union and who have had sex changes. They are joined by eels from your mother to help rid the world of pickles and hatred against those that are into S&M. From time to time characters from other minority groups (such as the Peoples of Pluto and YourAnus) will make guest appearances. These characters do not usually stay hard for long unless they are wearing women's clothing or, growing with full membership, and getting it hacked off. The seX-Men are lead by Charles Dickens. Dickens neither has to wear strap-on nor gets a sex change operation because he can spank you with his mind.

Contents 1 X-Men members 1.1 The X-Men administration 1.2 Team 1: The X-Men swat team 1.3 Team 2: Known X-Men field agents on the board 2 Known enemies 3 See Also

[edit] X-Men members

Scotty-Too-Hotty "Cyclops" Summers- Called the cyclops for his tendency to show people his one eyed monster, Scott gets his kicks by shooting off his one-eyed load. Wolverine calls him a boyscout because they dress up like them. Unfortunately they use actual uniforms and they keep tearing. Has recently been confirmed to be seriously mentally ill for most of his childhood and his adult life, including while leading the X-Men. This is funny because it is true.

Jean Grey-Girl Formerly know as Salamander Handshake, this seX-Man has the power to read minds and move objects with her brain (such as her nipples). This power she abuses to piss off men and give them an orgasm before they wake up in the morning. In the long run, this helps her pet(s) (human and animal) to go at it later in the day.

Bobby Drake "iceman"- Bobby drake isn't cooler than his counter part Frozone from the Incredibles (who is black, therefore being automatically cooler *lol geddit? cooler*) but hey, he's just as much of a faggot as Frozone, perhaps more?

Capt. Hanky "The Beast" McBlueballs- Much like Cyclops, Beast's nickname comes from showing of his big blue testicles. His mutant power is his unusually large amounts of semen that he can produce to fight for him. Society has shunned him for this power. He also enjoys running around in his underwear, despite his massive intellect.

Ororo "Storm" Monroe- Ororo is the first character we get to see change. In the 80's she is a skinny punk boy with a mohawk, but by the 90's she had a full head of hair and boob job to match. This drama queen controls the weather. Her most famous line is "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? [pause] The same thing that happens to everything else." She is also the token black member of the team. Likes to show her breasts and rump. Much junk in the trunk.

Remy "Gambit" [1] LeBeau- This flaming Cajun is quite the card player. He has the power to be so gay that it charges his cards. The result of being hit by the card is a gay-explosion. Unfortunately being a member of the X-men didn't work out for Gambit mainly because he and Wolverine both had a gay crush (a 'grush') on Cyclops. Gambit moved to Las Vegas, where he got into trouble with the mob, the mafia and the local Girl Scout squad. Gambit in this present day is a hobo living on the street going by the name of Mike, and he has nothing to live for because he just found out he has aids and cottage-cheese thighs.

"Rogue"- This mysterious lass has the power of sexually transmitted diseases which is a shame because she is hot, even if she used to be a guy named Al.

James Logan "Wolverine" Howlett - A complete asshole who has a genetic condition that involves his fingernails to grow like motherfuckers. He defeats his enemies by repeatedly stabbing and then molesting them. He is also a skilled pianist. Has a sick Oedepial thing going with redheads. Once showed his willy to a thirteen year old girl.

Note: It has been confirmed that the "X" was stolen from X-files and is currently in copyright disputes. Known attorneys handling the case are Colonel "Eleven Herbs" Sanders, Oliver "Peter really is my brother" North, and Bill "Slick Willy" Clinton in favor of the X-men while Scott Baio, Kermit the Frog and all of the Blowfish from Hootie and the Blowfish are on the side of the X-files.

Due to being subjected to lethal amounts of deadly radioactive waste they became stronger and more intelligent then normal humans, which really isn't saying much. The special gifts that they gained through exposure to highly toxic industrial products was rivaled only by their ability to change bandages, grow new hair every 10 minutes, vomit without anyone noticing and build massive underground complexes without attracting any attention or even needing planning permission from the local town council. The X-Men are divided between the secretive administration and their more active field agents. Most in the X-Men team are mutants. The X-Men were founded by Professor Little. Shortly after founding the X-Men however, he, along with his brother Malcolm, dropped his slave name of Little, and became Professor X. Professor X's powers include being bald, psychic, and overcoming 300 years of white oppression. The X-Men have also been the subject of a number of movies, including Holy Crap, a real live X-Men Movie!, X2, X3, the upcoming piss ant X4, X5, X6.

The X-Men make perfect sense scientifically; genetically they fall in perfectly with known scientific fact almost as well as Liquid Snake and Barney The Purple Dinosaur do, rather than being fictional like house cats or George Foreman.

The X-Men are divided into two main categories, the administration and field operatives. The latter are in turn divided between the SWAT team and the strategic intel team.

[edit] The X-Men administration

The group's shadowy leaders, of which Professor X is the most shadowy at all. The X-Men administration consist of:

• Professor X - Who lost use of his legs when his step-brother Patrick Stewart teamed up with yet a third step sibling named Juggernaut and used him to make a wish after a Thanksgiving dinner.
• Father X-mas - Who gained his powers after being pissed off by Santa Claus.
• Mister X - Who used to be a woman. Or a man. We aren't really sure. Looks hot in a thong.
• Christopher Kross - Former member of Kriss Kross, now using his horrible vocals to deafen his enemies and occasionally allies.
• Malcolm X-II - A white man who believes the North will rise again.
• xXx - Not to be confused with XX. A funny bald guy who claims his real name is Van Diesel or something like that. It is believed that he was spontaneously generated due to the excessive use of "X"s in the world. Looks hot in a thong.
• Mega Man X - Retired from Dr. Light's group of L-Men to join the X-Men. Looks okay in a bra.
• Sonic X - Who joined to avenge the deaths of Tails, Jhonny Cochran and the short lived Drexel's Class television series.
• Xena - Who used to be a man until he traded genders with Mr. X.
• The Xylophone - Who's only power is to be a human/musical shield.
• Xerxes - King of Persia and Toyland.
• Xbox - Former vice president of Planet X.
• Xiaoyu, Ling school girl from Tekken with a horny panda and a fetish for "rides". Smells like Doritos.
• Xbox 360 The leader formally known as Xbox.
• Lex Luthor - Who is to be used only as a stand-in for Professor X when Xavier goes off for his afternoon embroidery classes.
• Tex Hex - A cowboy with purple skin who used dark, mystic powers, mainly to mess around with people.
• Xander Cage - Still in prison, has been slated for reserve duty.
• Mac OS X - A Captain during the X-tinction Agenda Wars. His crash was unfortunate. And sexy.
• Xianghua - Kilik's bitch from the Soul Calibur games. Repeatedly makes annoying noises.
• Xanex - A unseemingly cheerful mutant who has the habit forming ability to reduce depression. But, won't use his mutant powers without a doctor's prescription.

[edit] Team 1: The X-Men swat team

This is the main strike force, relying on sheer power rather than the other team, which is more into collecting intel and coordinating the X-Men groups moves and overall strategy.

• Apocyclopse - Ravenous Jack Johnson, is famous for his fanaticism of rotary-engined Mazdas, and is also head of his own crime syndicate.

Notable fun facts- 1. Born on March 23rd, 1971, in Wichita, Kansas 2. Was arrested for homicide in December 1994 in L.A. 3. Once prank-called Ray Romano. 4. Died on July 11, 2002, in Dumbarton, Illinois, after losing control of his 1995 RX-7 at 225 miles an hour{it had 840 bhp, ya know!}, which slammed into a ditch, went up about 10 feet in the air, and rolled 37 times, before finally resting near a farmhouse. He is survived by his uncle Patrick.

• Gene Grey - A violent psychopathic murderer who was responsible for hundreds of deaths between 1974 and 1998.

Notable fun facts- 1. Born on November 8, 1954, in Camden, New Jersey. 2. Committed her first bank robbery in 1972. 3. Tried to assassinate Jimmy Carter in 1978, but the gun she was using had a faulty firing mechanism. 4. Tried to murder her former lover, Patrick O'Brien, in August 199886 B.C., she did not succeed. 5. Died in the fiery aftermath of a police chase on December 27th, 1998.

• Jazzler - Alison Blaire, has the power to convert nearby light into an annoyingly repetitive jazz tune which puts the listener to sleep within a minute.

• Popsicle Man - Bobby Drake, can turn himself into a palatable, man-size strawberry popsicle at will. Used to be a cool guy, but not anymore. Once traded bodies with a hot chick and got pissed about it instead of taking the opprotunity to feel himself up.

• Havok - Alex Winters, younger brother of Apocyclopse by a few millenniums. Essentially Mr. Bean, Jar Jar Binks, and Goofy rolled into one. Considered to be the clumsiest mutant alive, Havok has the power to break EVERYTHING he touches simply by dropping it on the floor or something even clumsier, hence his name. This guy can wreak some SERIOUS havoc, believe it. A true out-of-control freak of nature who will destroy the occasional supervillain simply by Tripping On His Own Shoelaces™ (that's already patented by Jar-Jar, sorry Alex), breaking a few porcelain stores as he moves along, more often than seldom taking the bad guy with him to utter oblivion.

• Pluralis - Lorna Dane, has the power to change nouns and pronouns in sentences as others change underwear each day (unless they don't), converting singular words into its corresponding plural form, unless there is none (such as "money" or "sugar" in case you wondered, but that is, ehuuum, irrelevant).

• Gambit - Remy LeBeau, cooler than Coolverine. As noted, MIA as a hobo. Infamous for groping Senators.

• Rogue - Cuban woman who once led the most destroyed boat to cross. Now lives in Coral Gables, Florida.

Notable Fun Facts- 1. Born on July 2, 1951, in Mission Viejo, California. 2. Her father Pablo died on July 10, 1959 in a drive-by shooting. The wealthy Arab Muslims driving the Mercedes used in the crime died in a police shootout the next day. 3. Her first car was a silver 1963 Corvette. 4. Has been a liberal since childhood. 5. Founded the Los Varrios Aztecas in 1969, which was the most powerful non-violent street gang in the world until 1987. 6. Joined the X-Men in April 1970, only to leave 30 months later due to pay issues. 7. Has had five children with Tito Martinez, younger brother of Wikipedia:Fernando Martinez; Miranda{born 5/24/1975}, Francisco{born 2/21/1978}, Anna{born 8/1/1979}, Paquita{born 4/21/1981}, and Ricardo{born 7/22/1983} 8. Is devoutly Catholic, but does not believe in Hell. 9. Has been friends with Wikipedia:Tommy Vercetti since the early 80's. 10. Shook Sinatra's Hand.

• Shadowcat - Kitty Pride is an excellent hunter of rats and mice and succeed in nearly 80% of all her hunting missions. Is unleashed whenever there are vermin on the loose in the X-school. Has nine lives and an excellent night vision. Regularly hallucinates an invisible friend named 'Lockheed' who 'kills' those she hates. She makes a Kate Bush/Kraftwerk mix rock song too! (EEECH!!!)

• Cannonball - Sam Guthrie, a jovial chap who can de-attach his own head and use it to play bowling or football with or use a cannon to shot bad guys with it as a lethal projectile, which is where he got his nickname from. Has been confirmed to be an alternate reality counterpart of Ronald McDonald. Has dozens of sisters/brothers/children.

• Beast - Henry McCoy, a natural genius who ate racist simian feces and sprouted blue fur everywhere. He is thought to be the brother of Bono and son of King Kong.

• Cable - Apocyclopse's clone of his son with Gene's evil sister from an alternate future timeline (in which he was raised by his non-existent half-sister) via a parallel dimension.

• Nightcrawler - Kurt Wagner--SHH! He's the son of Satan...

and a Leonard Mimoy apprentice. He's a Kraftwerk fan too.

• Frozone- Sam Jackson A black man with a rather large afro who is known to have the ability to freeze objects with his mind. This man was first seen in the movie The Incredibles, but is rumored to have later joined the X-Men for the endorsement deals and the incredible amounts of nudity.

• Captain Obvious - He is a superhero.

• Coolverine - Not as cool as Gambit. Walks over to Kansas to purchase cheap leather goods. No real powers other than a dog named Sam and hot dog claws.

• The Man Eating The Sandwich Always has wet-naps.

• The Sandwich-eating Man Never has them.

• The Man-eating Sandwich Looks good in a thong.

• The Twinkler - "Aaron Gell" Concentrates star dust into a glitter like substance to fight light pollution. Some believe him to be a pedophile, but he's really just misunderstood. Has a fondness for the Moonwalk and small children.

• Professor XXXavior - AKA The Sex-crazed pervert who specializes in reading other people's sexual fantasies (the same powers as Doctor Phil). In X-Men: The Last Stand, Snape kills him with the Elder Wand.

• Kinnikuman - Estranged and confused man who was wearing a doughnut-lipped mask and wrestled foes into submission. He lasted on the team for only a week--he was disqualified one time too many for using steel chairs illegally in his battles.

• Santa Claus - Aka Father X , who started the international X-Men Day, aka X-mas. Suspected of having elf slave-race as labor force.

• Duke Nukem - Joined the X-Men before he started wearing shades. He was later fired due to causing way too much collateral damage and for getting radioactive material in Xavier's doughnuts. Suspected of impregnating Storm.

[edit] Team 2: Known X-Men field agents on the board

This team is, more so than the other, into performing espionage, counter-espionage, counter-counter-espionage, gathering intel and coordinating the other teams strategy and tactics, as well as its own.

• White King - Don't know who that is as he never reveals himself, may be the elusive Professor under another alias, or a member of the secretive Kitchenfire Club. If the King is lost, a retcon occurs and everything is restored to normal. This has recently happened because the Scarlet Bitch has been a real whore again and fucked around with everyone, but even that will likely be retconned, and than the retcon itself will be retconned and the retcon of the retcon in turn might be retconned away a few years later, ad infinitum.

• White Queen - Emma Frost, the most powerful piece in the team, has the combined power of Rook and Bishop and can checkmate the Black King (aka Sebastian Shaw) in one fell swoop, at times only involving a couple of Pawns and her own awesome persona, sometimes involving Bishop and, at occasional times, perhaps even Knightcrawler depending on the opponent's moves. Is unique in the Marvel Universe because she has never had to use a Rook, EVER.

• Bishop - Lucas Bishop has the mutant power to move in diagonal movement plus forwards and backwards, often used in emergencies by the White Queen to avoid getting needlessly trapped in a fatal Zugzwang situation.

• Rook - What??? Who? Who's that? Have never heard of him...

• Knightcrawler - Fake Wagner, moves in mysterious and unpredictable ways, used in emergencies together with Bishop. Clone of the infamous son of the devil, Nightcrawler.

• Psylock'n Key - Betsee Buttock has the mutant power to open doors with ease. Was also the first british/asian woman with purple hair to get herself stuck in a tuba, which she mistook for a plastic vagina.

• Pawns - Really ugly and useless genetic trash with sucky "powers" who now pollutes the once honorable X-school (the Professor's school for amnesiac children) with their presence. Are counted as generally useless and expendable and will be sacrificed for the greater good early on, as they should. They serve more or less as cannon fodder only. These oafs and peasants includes the likes of Beak, Basilisk, Glob Herman, Dummy, Ernst, Angel IV, Tattoo and Redneck, who together are aptly named the Expendable Eight.

• Hillary Clinton - Senator from New York, running for US President under the Democratic ticket. Hillary Clinton appears to be a mutant having powers like Wolverine and Spider-Woman, and also filled in for Jessica Drew as Spider-Woman in the Avengers once before. Granted honorary membership in the X-Men because of her Bosnia mission that was world famous and defeated some enemies of the X-Men. If elected President, she promises to pass laws giving Civil Rights to Mutants.

[edit] Known enemies

The X-Men team has, just like the Fantastic Four and the Revengers, made themselves quite of few enemies over time, one more lethal than the other. The most well-known enemies are..(note: most origins of the following villains is from Pen Island

• Mr. Mister - Nathaniel S. Sex, irresistible male playboy who can seduce any woman, including the Dark Pheminist (but only barely). Has unlocked the secrets of sexuality and used it on himself to become Mr. Mister, the biggest heartbreaker in business, rivaling the Incredible Hunk of the Revengers.

• Kang the Conquistador - Nathaniel Richards, a future conqueror who traveled back in time with a time machine and took the well-known name of Hernán Cortés and set out the conquer America. He was later named Rama Tut by the Aztecs. Something of a chronal bohemian, Kang the Conquistador has since then traveled in time extensively both backwards and forwards, occasionally conquering a few continents here and there just in time before lunch, whereafter he travels into yet another era and leaves as quickly as he came. Also known as Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Julius Caesar, and Hillary Clinton.

• Magneto - Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, self-proclaimed Mutant Master of Astigmatism, foe of the X-Men since decades. Father of Pluralis, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Bitch. He rules Spain.

• Magnegro - A PIMP brotha with the magnetic ability to attract ungodly amounts of poontang, bootae, the junk in the trunk, and many other names referring to the common 'ho.

• Cassandra Archae - The Professor's equally elusive sister who are just as secretive as her brother, who hasn't even revealed his name.

• Cosmonaut - Abel Marko, the Professor's wicked stepbrother according to rumor, wears at all times an indestructible space-suit and possesses the Koh-i-Noor diamond which he has shamelessly stolen from its previous owner. He is also the world's largest collector of pancaked M1-Abrams, though he claims it's just a hobby.

• Legion - A timelost Roman military unit á 8,000 men that went crazy due their unexpected time-displacement and went out to successfully conquer the Republic of Macedonia.

• Prosthesis - Kevin MacTaggert, a strange dude who constantly wears out his limbs and arms and has to replace them. Has the power to alter the color of candy by will,
  unless it contains liquorice, his one and true Achilles' heel.

• The Kitchenfire Club - A shadowy club for people with disastrously bad culinary skills. Coming together on Thursdays every odd week, they try to work together to improve their skills in handling ovens, toasters, baking cookies and trying to figure out why apple-pie with mustard cream always ends up tasting so damned repulsive. They conspire together to open a combined café and restaurant chain and force both McDonalds, Burger King and Starbucks out of business once they've figured out the right way to peel the skin off a potato without cutting of a finger. Among the ever-growing number of gastronomically incompetent morons who've managed to slice their noses off with handmixers during the years are, amongst others, Sebastian Shaw, Courtney Ross, Emma Frost (now an X-Man), Donald Pierce, Jason Wyngarde, Daimon Hellstrom, James Jaspers, Harry Leland and Sir Gordon Philips.
  

• Xenu - The evil lord of Scientology, often flanked by Tom Cruise.

• Hank Hill - The X-Men hate propane and propane accessories.

• Mystiqua - Ho, follows the cane of Magnegro.

• Basil Brush - A fox, unfortunately the issues in which he featured were never released following a break-in at the printing factory by Mr T

• Darth Vader - Laying low after the first Death Star disaster, Darth Vader was found hiding by the X-Men. Their hospitality and gayness made him think twice about staying on Earth.

• Y men - This gang of ugly and stupid villains were denied access into the ultra cool and not stupid X Men. They have rebelled against the X Men a number of times with their leader, Ivan the Low

Somewhat related: see Fantastic Four and the Revengers.

[edit] See Also

UnScripts:X-Men: The Last Stand