Xenomorph
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โ*Various clicking noises and roars*โ
~ predator on xenomorph
โIn Soviet Russia, Xenomorph eats YOU!!โ
~ Russian Reversal exception
The Xenomorph is an alien that exists solely to kill you.
This is not paranoia talking. Xenomorphs can be commonly seen running killing everything.They do also have a tendency to sing the dixie song when they pop out of people. Xenomorphs exist for the sole purpose to seek out and kill you. A hungry Xenomorph will kill you and eat you. An amorous Xenomorph will implant an egg inside you that will grow into a hungry Xenomorph (see above). Xenomorphs are a super-evolved form of the Grue, which means that it is fucking dangerous to fight. You will die. You will be eaten. The only variance is whether you're eaten from without or within.
THE XENOMORPH WANTS TO KILL YOU!
And eat you. Raw. The Xenomorph can't cook. It would like to have a nice human being sautéed in clarified butter with some leeks, chives, crushed mint leaves, and sodium hydroxide sauce. Sadly, the aspiring Xenomorph gourmet invariably ends up burning the butter, dropping the the chives on the floor, and getting the pH of the sodium hydroxide sauce too low.
Finally, it hurls the whole mess into deep space, and orders Chinese take-out. It has an allergic reaction to pizza.
No human has ever lived long enough to be sure what happens to Xenomorph-slain comrades, except for Sigourney Weaver (a.k.a. Ellen Ripley), and she ain't talking. No matter how cleverly you think you hide yourself, a Xenomorph will always find you. They don't use eyes. They instead smell out your sweat, fear, blood or, most often, a combination of both. Or sometimes urine. Of course they might have eyes somewhere, but nobody has examined one long enough before getting brutally murdered to find out. Xenomorph blood is a strong acid, but when mixed with sugar and babies forms addictive low-fat, low-carb baby cake. However, this is not to be confused with LSD which, unlike Xenomorph blood, does not melt through your jaw when you put some on your tongue. Many LSD addicts can attest to this. Well, actually, they can't because they don't have a lower jaw. Oh, and a Xenomorph ate them.
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[edit] Xenomorph Culture
โListen. And understand. That xenomorph is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.โ
~ Michael Biehn on xenomorph
Although no human (except Sigourney Weaver and Chuck Norris, of course) knows what happens after a Xenomorph has concluded one killing spree, spanish gorillas have documented several cases in which kittens befriended Xenomorphs and their little bastard alien counterparts. Accounts written by these turncoat kittens have given us a precious few glimpses of the Xenomorph culture.
Only the kittens know the TRUE truth behind the scary Xenomorphs. One kitten named Jonesy even saw a Xenomorph kill a guy. He has yet to learn to speak so he can give details. However, thanks to important surviving documentaries such as Alien vs. Predator and Rocky XVIII, some information can be pieced together about these terrifying creatures. Still, 99.9% of all remotely rational people agree that Xenomorphs are scarier than their psychotic ex-spouse's mother-in-law and would really rather pretend their mother-in-law didn't exist at all. Or Xenomorphs. Let's be honest, is there a difference?
[edit] Habitat
Xenomorphs inhabit barren, seemingly lifeless alien planets in obscure reaches of outer space. Or sometimes they live in temples beneath the surface of the Earth, possibly beamed down or built by the Xenomorphs' rivals the Yaujtas (who are also going to kill you, but slower). The Xenomorph temple takeover happened during a time when Antarctica was quite warm and would not turn one's ass blue in five nanoseconds, or basically otherwise had no snow whatsoever. Humans served as sport animals for the Antarctic temple-dwelling Xenomorphs, which is basically all they're good for. When Antarctica turned cold, the Xenomorphs retreated underground and subsisted on penguins, plankton, and large quantities of drainall.
When knowledge of the nearly-extinct Xenomorph population became widespread, several organizations were created with the sole purpose of saving this almost-dead species. Experts, conservationists, and volunteers from around the world journeyed to Antarctica, where they were immediately devoured or impregnated. Surviving ecologists have since removed Xenomorphs from the Endangered Species list and placed them on the Extremely Dangerous Species list.
In this day and age Xenomorphs can be found living all around you. Under your kitchen sink, in your children's closets, and wedged inside your home ventilation system. Xenomorphs found in the toilet (known as aqua-xenos) are particularly ill-tempered and will kill you in an especially gruesome manner, often as you use said toilet. It's only a matter of time before the attacks begin. Honestly, I'm surprised that you've lived long enough to read this paragraph. Wait, wait. Okay, move a little to your left. No, the other left. OK? Alright, now hold reeeeeeel still, aaaannnd... delicious.
There is no reliable source as to where these sonovabitches come from. It is highly unlikely, but widely theorised that some chinese cook in the New York Chinatown REALLY got off the track with that Sechuan goo, and there were plenty of leftovers, which were in turn fed to the kitties, who are theorised to know even the most excruciating constipated shit about Xenomorphs. Yeah, right, so there you go. Very unfortunate, but that stuff was eaten by human beings, also.
[edit] Developmental Stages
โWow, that's one really ugly animal hiding over there in the corner! And what's with all this sticky stuff on the walls and the cocoons in the ceiling? I think I'm gonna walk up to it and see what species it is...โ
~ Captain Oblivious on his cryptic last transmission before mysteriously vanishing
When a mommy Xenomorph Queen loves herself VERY MUCH (and "herself" is used because it appears no fertilization or sexual processes are required for reproduction), eggs containing these seriously horrible spidery things (A.K.A. face-huggers) are laid.
If you are unfortunate enough not to be immediately eaten alive when the Xenomorphs find you, it means they're dragging your sorry ass off to one of these eggs. They'll glue you to the wall of their hive, set an egg right in front of your face and just leave. Resist the temptation to feel relieved by this, because what you actually face is a fate worse than death. Adding insult to injury, death will follow almost immediately afterward. And even if it doesn't it'll get pretty boring clinging to that wall until you starve to death.
Just when you're starting to think you might get out of this alive, the top of the egg will slowly peel back and in an instant a ten-pound camel spider will come flying out and have constant oral sex with you. You will again feel tempted to be thankful that at last you're being allowed to die. Resist this temptation! You'll need to have your wits about you so you can beg any shotgun-toting passers-by to end this hellish nightmare of a face and belly full of alien wing wong.
There you will hang weeping until suddenly the scary little snake-like Xenomorph larva eats you alive from the inside out until it manages to snap your ribs apart with its viscious claws and rip its way out of your chest. The slimy, bloody Chestburster Alien (technically a baby Xenomorph proper) slithers off to grow into the terrifying killing machine known as the Xenomorph (the entire process takes less than twenty-four hours) and the cycle begins anew.
Seriously, just shoot yourself in the head right now. At least it will be quick.
[edit] different types of bad ass xenomorphs
there are several types of xenomorph, all of which will kill you in seven seconds when you finish reading this scentence, 3, 2, 1... nothing? Oh my watch is slow, wait ten minuites and pass the time by reading on. Or better yet read this article.
- Facehugger: The Spidery bastards that clamp on your face like a fat kid clamps on cake. They rape your mouth, suffer a massive wave of guilt, and die by holding their breath.
Chestburster: Not unlike a worm, except bigger and eleventy million times more dangerous. Unparalleled rat catcher, although a rat infestation is preferable to one of these bastards growing up into adult form.
- alien drone: essentially the same old ownage machine that is a xenomorph, it has a smooth head and a killing tongue it likes to use for cranium intrusion.
- alien warrior: the same as the drone except a bit angrier. Has a Ridged head.
- alien preatorian: a young alien queen, only ever seen in games, for the sole purpose of being so 1337 that it will burst out of your console/computer, then it will kill you.
- alien queen: a giant pwnage alien that lays eggs and kills androids, the only alien to ever make Sigourney Weaver so scared that she ate a child. The queen usually kills predators too for fun :D
- alien runner: an alien from a dog, this alien tends to run very very very fast and has managed to appear in the Alien3, and the AVP movies. Although no-one worth their salt pays any attention to THOSE films. It will still kill you, though.
[edit] How to survive a Xenomorph close encounter
A simple advice for you: run like hell. It probably won't be enough but at least you can try. I mean, they can run much faster than humans. And sometimes they do some sort of crazy running on the walls and ceiling. They might even come up through the floor too.
Not being seen is the next best thing, but those monsters have an exceptional sense of smell, so you'll probably die anyway.
You might try to beat it to death, but this will fail in all but making it more angry, maybe even spill some acid blood all over you (Delicious!).
Your best bet is to hope Sigourney Weaver or Chuck Norris comes to save your ass, and that they come within the next second or two.
You can also start praying because Jesus loves you (not!).
But really, you're screwed.
โWhat???!! A xenomorph is dangerous and will definitely kill you and eat your brain?! Wow, some revelation there, except that it's "only" been mentioned like 50 times in this article already, but thanks for the advice...โ
~ Captain Sarcasm on this article, shortly before being evisicrated by a mob of xenomorphs
[edit] See Also
- Grue
- For an alternative view of Xenomorphs, see Sugargliders
- Ninjas
- Minjas
