Yale University

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A top-security penal facility purportedly located in New Haven, Connectthedots. Despite the fact that it is always dark in New Haven due to its extraordinary beauty which can only be enhanced by complete and utter darkness, Yale University (aka "y@13") nonetheless has an extraordinarily high inmate retention rate due to its excellent Yale locks, now commercially available. Further success of the prison is ensured by a contingent of highly trained guard dogs under the leadership of Handsome Dan, the vicious bulldog godfather who secretly runs the entire social structure.

1 Handsome Dan
2 Education
3 Alumni
4 Admissions
5 Pop Culture
6 Alleged Copying assholes
7 See Also

[edit] Handsome Dan

Among the absurd laws implemented by the Handsome Dan dynasty which has remained in power over the course of 16 generations of absolute monarchy of divine right (there was one pretender), is that the color red, particularly crimson, may never be worn by the inmates, lest they face solitary confinement, or worse, the wrath of Handsome Dan, which is truly terrible. The Mighty Dan particularly enjoys mocking the kitty cat Tiger. Fortunately however for the tigers, they are rarely seen in New Haven, preferring to stay in their own native habitat, believed to be located somewhere in New Jersey.

[edit] Education

Sure, we know you're not jews.

However, Handsome Dan XVI, the current ruler has proven to be wise and benevolent, and has recently made correspondence courses with the University of Phoenix available to the more gifted inmates. Courses currently offered at Yale include: Genteel Alcoholism, Threadbare Gentility, Gentility For Jews, Annoying Sophistry, managing Your Investments, Running Your Dad's Corporation, Being Just A Dreadful Twit, Yacht Buying, The Genetics of Yankee Inbreeding, Creative Bathroom Antics, and probably some other stuff too. English and stuff, probably. And lacrosse.

Most Yale faculty members are Cro-Magnons, although a few are reptiles and/or Wal-Mart greeters. At one time there was an African-American on the faculty, but Yale was unable to provide the special nutrients he required, and he wilted and died. He was bronzed and set up on plinth, which was cheaper than making a statue from scratch.

[edit] Alumni

Famous Yale ex cons include Doc Savage, The Man of Bronze; William F. Buckley; Screaming Lord Sutch; Rory Gilmore; and probably others. Many Yale graduates have also gone on to die. A bronze statue of an African American man honors their memory.

[edit] Admissions

Being sentenced to Yale requires the possession of at least a rudimentary brain stem. Well, not always - if you are able to turn your petals toward the light, you have a chance to get in. Or if you are able to fall downward if dropped. Jews are allowed as long as they have blonde hair, blue eyes, and are named Hamilton Worthington Winthrop III.

In 1997, the Yale campus was overrun by troops of criminally insane evil feral monkeys. This led to a sharp uptick in average SAT scores, from 3 to almost 200. It was some months before the invasive monkeys were fully acclimated to Yale prisoner traditions, such as picking ticks off of each other's hair and eating them.

In 2004, Yale University was converted to an aluminum smelting plant. It was converted back to a prison in 2005 after smelters complained of an oppressive smell coming from the numerous open graves the university had funded.

[edit] Pop Culture

Yale was the setting for the famous horror film God and Man at Yale, in which God terrorizes a small town until stopped by the rough-hewn and taciturn, but tough and manly, local sheriff, Yale Ellison.

Everyone at Yale hates Harvard, but the converse is also true: everyone at Yale hates Yale. Also, everyone everywhere hates Yale. Yale has a traditional rivalry with Harvard, although Harvard is not aware of this tradition and, when asked, had never heard of such a place as Yale. Also, Princeton has a traditional rivalry with Yale; as tradition dictates, Yale is not aware of this tradition and, when asked, had never heard of such a place as Princeton.

[edit] Alleged Copying assholes

It is alleged (and when I say alleged I mean true) that there was and is a yale made before this "yale", whom this yale tried to sue for having their name. Gawd. (See Yale College In Wrexham)