Boris Yeltsin
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“Hey, this wasn't vodka!”
~ Boris Yeltsin on his death
“Boris was a great man. He always helped me in difficult times, taught me Russian ways of living and prepared the best damn vodka in the whole world. His problem was that he knew too much. So he died of... cardiac failure... Yeah.”
~ Vladimir Putin on Boris Yeltsin
“I used to poop in his soup. What? It was all part of 1993 congress war!”
~ Mikhail Gorbachev on his relations with Yeltsin
Boris Boozovich Yeltsin was president of Russia between drinks. He was not a very popular leader, his sole supporter being the legendary boxer/drunkard Mike Tyson. In Russia's first orderly transition of power, he gave up control of Russia when promised an unlimited supply of vodka by Vladimir Putin, who succeeded him.
[edit] Biography
Boris Yeltsin was distilled in Sverdlovsk in 1938. He consisted of a mixture of entrails and alcohol of considerable potency. His urine was the original inspiration for Grey Goose vodka. He sweated gin.
He spent his youth in a lunging, unsteady climb to the top of the Communist Party heirarchy. Initially he dreamed of becoming an apparatchik, only to wake up and find he was still an apparatdude. He captured the attention of the world in dramatic fashion in 1990 when, as Soviet hard-liners were mounting a military coup against leader Mikhail Gorbachev, Yeltsin strode into Red Square, climbed onto a tank, gestured to the spellbound crowd, threw up, and passed out. In gratitude the Central Committee made him President.
Yeltsin's presidency brought about great changes in Russia. His biographers have described his accomplishments as "staggering". According to The Onion, Boris Yeltsin once gave up control of Russia to a random flock of geese. The RBC reported that he ate the unfortunate geese and reclaimed the control over the vast country. He then tried to pull the same trick on Putin, but Putin managed to avoid getting eaten by spraying himself with denatonium, the same substance that makes industrial alcohol toxic.
Boris Yeltsin is believed to have invented the world's first ethanol-powered car. Unfortunately for Yeltsin, he soon found that he could not bear the sight of alcohol being used for anything other than human consumption. He would often brake to syphon the precious fuel into his mouth, and his dirty habit caught up with him. A drunken Yeltsin crashed into a gas station within weeks of inventing the car, resulting in John Travolta's hydrocarbon-rich hair igniting in the subsequent blaze.
In his second term as president he required daily transfusions to prevent his blood alcohol level from exceeding 100%. After his retirement from office, he kept busy with steady work as an Elvis impersonator. While returning from a Vegas gig in May 2007, he was beaten to death with a bottle of vodka by Al Gore.
Yeltsin's autopsy provided the Russian Army with materials which they used in developing a special incendiary munition that is fat, soft, and sweaty on the outside, and highly flammable inside.
[edit] Yeltsin Facts
- If you play Boris Yeltsin and Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd at the same time, it all synchs up.
- Boris Yeltsin once danced, an occasion of humour impossible to recreate via the feeble medium of words.Link
- Yeltsin is also known for his Flaming Fist of Liberty, with which he single-fistedly defied the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. The phenomenon of Yeltsin's flaming fist is caused by the air friction against the rapid acceleration by the fist, fueled by excess vodka shed through his pores, resulting in extreme heat equaling that of an outsize solar flare.
- He also ordered the deaths of 461 people, and smiled the whole time.
- He tried to order the deaths of everyone in Russia, but failed when Superman killed him. He tried, though. He tried so hard, and lost it all. But in the end, it didn't even matter.
