Yngwie J. Malmsteen
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“Yeah I found him in a ditch, rotting away. He told me he had a career once.. I don't believe a word that comes out of his fat mouth. He just eats cheesecakes all day.”
~ John Petrucci discussing Malmsteen
“What the hell is an electric guitar? and why is our music being played on one?”
~ Dead composers on Yngwie Malmsteen
“Here's my new album!”
~ Malmsteen holding a slice of salami
“My Names Yngwie Malmsteen, J Malmsteen by the way myess.”
~ Yngwie Malm on Yngwie J. Malmsteen and his name
“Yea he's ok. I'm still better.”
~ Jimi Hendrix on Yngwie Malmsteen
“It's very hard to explain.”
~ Yngwie Malmsteen on himself
Yngwie Johan Sebastian Mozart Beethoven Bach "Fooking" Malmsteen aka suck (born June 66, 666) is a world renowned didgeredoo player. He is probably best known bringing back the once well-known music of Gothic Didgeredoo, the genre created by George W. Bush. He was also recntly hired as the new guitar player for ITSLYM. He has taken Gothic Didgeredoo playing to many new heights though; doing such things as juggling flaming chupacabras while playing the didgeredoo and placing his didgeredoo over his penis and pretending it is super-huge. (which it isn't, might I add) The latter has not been seen however, since The incident. Apparently, he doesn't eat donuts! [1]
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[edit] Childhood
Yngwie's mother, Svetnia "donut" Malmsteen, is the only proven example of having a virgin birth. His mother was impregnated with the devil's child while playing the Satanic Kazoo. Comparing Satan's DNA to Yngwie's, one would find it is a perfect match. (This has only happened four other times).
Yngwie's Swedish name was unbelievably hard for fat westerners to pronounce, so he translated it to english in order to fit in with them (which was unnececcary, because he already looked like one). Literally, his original name translates as "Yogie J. Fatstain," but something got lost in the translation...
Yngwie was inspired to play didgeredoo when he saw a television show called Swedish Girls Gone Wild. When his mother purchased the didgeredoo, Yngwie discovered (much to his dismay) that the didgeredoo was not used for the same purpose as the didgeredoo in the Swedish porn film. Nonetheless, he practiced very hard, and became quite skilled.
Yngwie was put in a English Catholic school at a young age, so that he could develop a hatred towards them. Yngwie claims he has learned one thing, the English phrase "Fock God, Fock American Idol". This set the stage for Yngiwe's gothic development.Thus,Sventia sent Yngiwe to study speed licking solos in Islamabad National University of Speed Solos.
[edit] When He Became A Goth
Yngwie had always hated God. God didn't know why, after all, he had stopped Yngwie from dying from a massive seizure while watching Pokemon. Yngwie was probably just ungrateful. He was performing at a local club when he met Snoop Dogg. It could have been any African-American man incapable of being flaccid, but Yngwie was pretty sure it really was Snoop. Snoop was the leader of the goth scene at the time, and invited him to the Worldwide Goth Peoples convention. Here he met the manager of Sony Classical Records, Steven Seagal. Steven signed him, and he began making music.
[edit] Creating the World
He did not.
[edit] Music Career
In 1984 he began recording his first album, Rising pile of burgers all for me, despite the fact that he didn't know how to play the guitar at all (he still doesn't). Yngwie decided that vocalists would ruin his brilliant Gothic didgeredoo playing. Instead, he hot-dogged around on his didgeredoo and made his entire album in just one recording. The album was incredibly well received. It was even nominated for an Oscar for Best Pop Vocal Performance, but lost horribly to Cowboy Charade by Brokeback Mountain, a popular J-Pop group. This defeat sent him into a spiral of depression, and in turn, provided him with many emotional songs to write. To avoid any comparison with other artist of that time, however, he decided to not record the emotional songs. Instead he shredded them and glued them together to look like a dachshund. Maybe that was his fetish. He made his second album, Marching To The Buffet seconds later.
He made his third album Nelly and the St. Lunatics in 1986. Sales were poor due to the preschooler orgy photographed on the cover. Maybe that was his fetish.
In 1987, this dude with a large beard joined the band as a vocalist. A few moments later, Yngwie was attacked by Margaret Thatcher. People feared the worst, but Yngwie disposed of all claims he was dead by saying, "Subway's new grilled chicken sandwich has ONLY 38 CARBS and has helped me obtain such a thin physique!" With the guy with the beard helping Yngwie along with his perfection of the Gothic didgeredoo, the album was quickly finished. In 1988, Yngwie released his album The Iliad. This is Yngwie’s most popular album to date, mainly because of the success of its first single "Rockin’ In The Free World". He released a few more albums before the 80’s were wiped off the face of time by Alfred Hitchcock.
[edit] Success in the 1990’s
Yngwie made quite a few albums in the early 90’s, though some were rumored to be merely pieces of salami. This rumor, along with the rising popularity of gospel bands such as Pearl Jam caused him to lose a large number of his fans, and also isolated him from other Gothic didgeredoo players.
Over time, he changed record labels many, many times. Maybe that was his fetish. After many more releases, none of which appeared to be salami (or any other penis related meat for that matter), Yngwie released a record called Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Yngwie loved this record very much. "If this record was a piece of harcore pornography, I would have ejaculated long, long ago. Really, I would have", Yngwie said in regards to the album.However It was shortly after he met and shook the hand of Ronnie James Dio that he learned to play guitar. he playing became so legendary, That god,odin, all the jesii and every single crazy ass shinto deity decided to make him one of them. so if you listen on dark nights in sweden, you can hear a guitar didgeredoo duet racing across the sky. Yngwie Johann Wolfgang Sebastian von Malmsteen is probably the most known artist signed to Super Awesome Talent Agency founded and led by producer Eric Cartman.
[edit] Vs. Michelangelo
It is rumored that Italian artist Michelangelo of Nitro was a faster guitar player than the Malmster. In fact, he shredded so fast on his guitar that it created a wormhole so large that he could travel through time with it, allowing him to personally challenge Yngwie by traveling over 500 years. The two dueled for over 100 years. Yngwie emerged victorious after he ate Michelangelo.
[edit] Unleash the Focking Burgers
Yngwie Malmsteen talks about his braaand neeew recipe book.
“You all better go out and buy my book or I'll focking kill you, you focking guitar noobs! Buy my book or you will die a virgin, you focking shit! It's colled "Unleash the Focking Burgers". It teaches you how to be in great shape just like me and also teaches you which foods are good to eat, and which foods are GREAT to eat. This book is tha best, it is so amazing, it's worth more than your own muther!”
~ Yngwie Malmsteen on his recipe book
If you really love swedish pizzas...
Then buy his book... Or he'll fucking kill you, you fucking guitar noobs.
[edit] Facts
- Yngwie Malmsteen is your new God.
- Yngwie Malmsteen will fucking kill you.
- It has recently been rumored that, due to the fact that Yngwie Malmsteen's fingers move faster than ANYTHING in the known universe, he is secretly one of the worlds best gamers, and is currently using the alias of "Stefan Hurley", a swede currently living in Dublin.
- Yngwie's hair is water-proof, radiation-proof and never moves.
- Yngwie doesn't need no fucking donuts.
- Yngwie has officially shut down three buffets.
- Yngwie broke his own knuckle over his mother-in-law's face because she unleashed the fucking fury. He then proceeded to beat her.
- The J in Yngwie's middle name stands for "Does Anyone Have a Guitar Pick? My Middle Name is where the fuck is a guitar pick?"
[edit] FAQs
Q: Is Yngwie human?
A: No, actually. He is a concoction of adrenalin, methamphetamines, vodka, testosterone and yo mamma.
Q: Who invented the first light bulb?
A: Yngwie.
Q: Was Neil Armstrong really the first man on the moon?
A: No, it was Yngwie. He was wearing his moon boots on that day.
Q: How did the dinosaurs die out?
A: Malmsteen played a massive solo for 69 days (which was orgasmic like all of his playing.)
Q: What does Malmsteen eat for breakfast?
A: LARS ULRICH!!!
[edit] Discography
- Rising Bread
- Trilogy Dinner
- Foodyssey
- Swedish Beef
- Lunch to End All Lunches
- Deep-fried Pancakes(live album)
- I'll See You Die Tonight
- Attack! With Focking Burgers!
