Yo-yo

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“It has its ups and downs! NARF NARF NARF!”

~ Carrot Top on Yo-yos

“It had to be done.”

~ Oscar Wilde on shooting Carrot Top

“FINALLY!!”

~ Superior Race of Comedians on The above quote

A yo-yo is a pure, completely invisible force, which can be harnessed to do unbelievable amounts of work. It was discovered by Abraham Lincoln while staying with Oscar Wilde in Paris in the late 1800's.

[edit] History

While preparing his morning Gazpacho, Abraham Lincoln decided he'd really rather have his meal warm. He placed the Gazpacho over a heat source (some claim it was Mary Todd Lincoln's bossom, but this is probably mish-mash, as it is well known that Mary Todd was hungover at the time), and promptly reduced it to a disgusting slop, producing only an exceptionally hungry Abraham, and a shock of yo-yos.

Upon this discovery, Lincoln would go on to announce his discovery to the world in his little known 1902 'Ode to a Fishstick I Found in my Armpit'. From passage 3,

'What shall this country know' 'more grand than the yo-yo?' 'It surely doesn't show,' 'but your face looks like a butt.'

Later, Lincoln would use his newfound knowledge to pilot the famous Clermont up the Mississippi River using only yo-yos.

[edit] Making your own Yo-yo

You will need a heavy pot, some water, a heat source (like a bunsen burner or an Irishman), and a pair of slippers made from the finest fileted baby skins.

• First, take off your socks.
• Fill the pot with the water.
• Place the pot over the heat source.
• Your socks ARE off, aren't they?
• Wait. Do not leave the pot unattended, as trout are inexplicably attracted to water, and may break into your home.

Soon, your pot should erupt with a beautiful display of yo-yos. From here, you can make some nice delicious boiled eggs, clear your sinuses, or open your neighbor's mail, you dirty sneak.

If nothing happens, you probably forgot to remove your socks.

[edit] Capturing yo-yos

The more lazy 3rd grade connosuire, who thinks the yo-yo is the best thing since Pogs, capturing a yo-yo may be a more plausible option, especially since you are too stupid to use the stove anyway, if you really want one of these things. The key to the capture is the rubber balloon and the bottle of whisky. Simply blow up the balloon, tie a knot, and drink the bottle of whisky. Soon enough, you'll be exceptionally drunk, and won't remember any of this in the morning. Your friends, however, have wisley captured the whole thing on tape.

[edit] Getting rid of the Yo-yo you found in your grandmother's brazier drawer, you disgusting slob

Try the flea market, bub. No one wants your dirty yo-yos here.

[edit] Getting rid of the Yo-yo you captured five years ago and now really just don't want anymore

Most important in getting rid of your yo-yo is who you dispose of it with, and when. For you see, gentile reader, that the yo-yo, once released into the atmosphere, clings to whomever it is nearest. Therefore, it is advisable to find a friend you truly dislike, and invite him over for tea and crackers, and discretely slip the yo-yo into his shorts. Your friend will likely develop a rash, and he shall be plagued for the rest of his days.

And this, children, is how a hobo is born.