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“Are you city in dis... Oh wait...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Madchester Oasis
“I thought it chwas YouChoobe Eff See!”
~ Random Briton on Manchester Oasis
“WAHHH!! *Cry* YAY woo im finnally at the blues, oh wait”
~ robinho on joining Manchester Oasis
Madchester Oasis is the most famous soccer team to emerge from England, and considered by many to be the finest in the World, usually after a time spent in the company of the Madchester Oasis Young Tough's club. They frequently draw crowds in their hundreds to their Home Grounds in Madchester, attractively situated underground, in the middle of the Sewage system. They are considered the leading cause of murderous rampages in the country. Their fans love a good joke. For example an inflatable banana. Hilarious
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[edit] History of the Club
Madchester Oasis was founded as a 1832 by Koan-Du Spirit, a travelling Buddhist band. Meditating on the state of the World, they concluded it was essentially a pure and just place, then, on realising they were in Madchester, instantly changed their mind. The band were pragmatists, however, and before long they had set up the Madchester Oasis of Calm, a place where the deprived youth of the city could come to reflect on the Universe and peacefuly meditate. Sadly, however, the deprived youth of the city torched the Oasis before long, getting together to expertly kick a flaming ball of rolled up newspaper into the Net of Tranquility that criss-crossed the pool. Following the inferno, the one surviving band member Patrick Thistle (Mandolin), noticing how coordinated the destruction of everything he held dear had been by the youths, instantly employed them as the members of a new-founded soccer team, with him as manager. The team stormed up the leauges, and within two years became the dominant Madchester team after decapitating the leader of the Madchester Magi, as per tradition. The club disbanded after people stopped giving a toss in the late eightes when the whole city was off it's tits on E. The club was reformed in 1995 as Madchester's only professional football club and the glory days under Alan Ball soon followed. Oasis' victory over Gillingham in the Champions League final of 1999 crowned an astonishing resurrection for the club. However recently, Madchester have been robbed bare, as a recent newspaper report shows - "Entire Contents of Madchester Oasis Trophy Room Stolen; Police are looking for a man with a light blue carpet. In 2008, Osama Bin Laden cam out of hiding and decided to buy the club with his meery band of Arab Investors. Using the well proven businuess model of buying players, playing them, sexually molesting them and selling them to spanish clubs as CHELSKI FC do.
[edit] Rivals
Madchester's main rivals are Oldham Athletic, Stockport County, Manchester Red Sox, Bury and anyone that bought a copy of Country House.
[edit] The Team
It should also be noted that most of the squad was assembled from Seven Gorane Erik-The Sun on youtube last week.
[edit] Goalie
19 Kasper Schmeichel - The scion of a terrible enemy of the good people of Oasis, the leaders of whom kidnapped this blue eyed, pubeless, ruddy cheeked spawn long ago in an attempt to turn the One True Enemy's own dark arts against it. Quite similar to his dread father, except a) he's not as big and b) not as good.
[edit] Reasons why we haven't got completely stuffed yet
2 Micah Richards - A bright and exciting young talent (tm). He recently made his debut in the porn industry with his girlfriend in his self-directed movie.
3 Michael Balls - This sublime defender has been diagnosed with "Tiny Balls Syndrome" which has been genetically inherited in his family. He is known to express his sexual frustration by stomping on opposing players between their legs. Not very good at telling the difference between a ball and a balloon
22 Richard Dunne - The captain. A reserved Irish lad who has shown a touching interest in picking up the local traditions, as his recent suspension for crippling a Villa player demonstrates. Also has a tendency to become confused while facing his own goal, leading to an average own-goal strike rate of 20 a season.
16 Vedran Corluka - Handy Yugoslavian who jumps at the phrase "UN Tribunal". Has formed the We're Innocent Because We've Got Lots Of Money Coalition with the club's owner.
24 Javier "Java Script" Garrido - Expert Spanish computer programmer. Rewrites each home match using the USB port located in the East Stand so it appears to spectators that Oasis have trundled out another uneventful 1-0 victory when in fact they've been pasted 12-0.
[edit] Midfield
7 Stephen Ireland - Didn't he used to be bald? Hows Your Gran Stevie? Very good liar....NOT
6 Michael Johnson - Young, heavily eyebrowed local lad. Granny chaser.
15 Martin Petrov - Until recently a victim of the endemic homosexual sex trade in Failsworth, Petrov was spotted by Sven listlessly kicking a can about on the A6 after receiving a heavy buggery from a self-employed tradesman called Barry. His pleas to be allowed to see the Bulgarian consulate after each game are met by loving chuckles from his teammates, as they once again bundle him into the shower.
21 Dietmar Hamann - An unproven foreigner, unlike the rest of the team. A white supremacist.
8 Geovanni - That's right, his name is Geovanni. Just Geovanni. DON'T FUCK WITH HIM.
Vedran Corluka Yugoslavian? U idiot Yugoslavia dont exist 20 year now... Croatian u stupid mf Geovanni plays for Hull u stpid wanker. I did your mum in bed
[edit] So-Called "Attackers" (meant to score goals)
9 Emile Mpenza - That's not a German name??!?! Cornrows????!11!! GOAL!!!11!11!?! We will ignore the fact that he is actually.... Belgique ?!?!?!?! I know i cannot believe it either...
11 Elano - Another Brazilian with only one name. Recent research undertaken by Madchester MET suggests that people with only one name are 50,000 times better at their chosen vocation than normal, two named people. You can see the opposition falter even when he's warming the bench 9 games out of 10.
10 Robinho - Thought he was joining Chelski. Gets paid £100,000 per goal.
12 Darius Vassell - WHY.
77 Rolando Bianchi - A TIE Fighter. Quite good, it says here.
27 Benjani - Latest Signing. Could have joined earlier if he didn't fall asleep.
99 Ronaldo - The youngest ever Brazilian under-80's captain
[edit] Subs
31 Noel Gallagher - Mid-tempo-fielder. Wheeled out typically during a mid-December 0-0 with Newcastle to attempt to stir the City fans into life. Has got into a fight with both of them.
32 Liam Gallagher - Attacker. Record for staying on the pitch before being shown the red: 34 seconds. He reached 31 during the recent exchange with West Ham which left only 15 people dead, so signs are encouraging. Has special dispensation from the FA to take to the field in an overcoat.
33 Frank Gallagher - Got a spare tenner on ya since I'm off to the Jockey.
17 Sun Jihai - Obligatory Asian guy.
12 Nicky Weaver - Poor facial hair.
1 Andreas Isaksson - Obligatory Swedish guy.
20 Georgios Samaras - Feed the greek and he'll score every 17th game.
5 Ousmane Dabo - Useless. Bald. French.
69 - Sven.
75 - Dot Cotten
99 Saddam Hussein - Currently injured with a "broken neck".
[edit] Massive club?
It has become a long-standing tradition for new signings to play along with the charade that Madchester Oasis is a "massive club". This is, of course, nonsense. It is thought that most of Oasis's foreign signings are unaware that there are two teams in Madchester and wrongly believe they are signing for a different team altogether.
In March 5, 2007, the club's trophy room was broken into by an unknown intruder and the entire content in this room was stolen. This case still remains a mystery, and the police has since been searching for a man with a pale blue carpet.
[edit] Honours
Seriously? No ... no. Quit pissin' around.
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