Darth Vader
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- This article is about Darth Vader from the planet Tatooine; for information about Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan see Marty McFly.
Darth Vader was once known as Anakin Skywalker. However, during a duel with his master, he forgot that the high ground gives you an Agility bonus. He was pwned two seconds later, after yelling "You underestimate my... PoWeRr!" No one is really sure how Darth Vader went from being a total emo bitch who whined and threw tantrums, to a total bad-ass who was calm about being shocked by thousands of volts of electricity.
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Ugly Life
Anakin Skywalker was a man who always needed to root girls and have children. He never thought that he could end wars or do anything for his people.
He met a fat Pokemon named Snorlax who also liked to kick ass, in some dump-planet he wanted to invade by parthenogenesis. There he was taken in by wild Jawas who raised him and taught him the secret of fixing machines. Here he met the homosexual pleasure droid C3PO who perverted him. Here he also met R2D2, the huge dildo gizmo, who had escaped Queen Amidala because she was using him for kitchen work. Little Sammy and his two perverted droids then went on to kick some ass (well, not exactly kick, more like use). Young Samuel and his two robots, which had by this time become slaves of his, were found by Queer Goon Juan, he of the Mexican pornstar mustache, who was instantly attracted to them. Queer Goon Juan taught Samuel the secrets of the force and celebrity diary writing. While on the planet, he had sex with the Sexiest Woman Alive, thus producing the Love Children of Darth Vader: Chuck Norris, Master Chief, Jordan Campbell and Captain Jack Sparrow also Jay Leno.
Samuel became to be hailed as the Chosen One because all the little bits (the mitochond...wait, no, that's the other bit that likes to create energy) in his blood were moving. It was later discovered this was merely an infestation of headlice, but the NKVD stuck to their statement 'Midi-chlorians allow Darth Stakhanov to move 104 tons of coal with power of Force.
After graduating with honors from the Jedi Academy, Samuel became known a renowned lecture on the many culinary applications of the force. During his many exploits, he killed General Grievous by tricking Chef Boyardee into thinking they were a couple.
In 1875, he abandoned his teaching career and changed his name to Darth Vader (a pseudonym for Darth Phallic), because the name "Chad Vader" was already in use. Under the apprenticeship of Darth Insidious (Aka the Emperor, Senator Palpatine, Palps, Joe Lieberman, The Pope, Wrinkly Old Pervert, etc.) Chad {I mean "Darth") learn how to roll a mean blunt.
Darth Insidious was a stern Jamaican, who went by the name of Derek Moose until he later became a Sith Lord. Hense the reason as to why Vader picked up his deep Jamaican accent, trained from bare basics (e.g. "bacon"-->"beer can").
His hobbies include interrogation, sucking up to the Emperor, choking people using the Force, sensing disturbances in the Force, choking people using the Force, ordering attacks on the rebels and people he doesn't like and choking people with the Force. Under Darth Insidious' tutorship, Darth Vader came to have greater use of the Force and became even more perverted. Darth Moose became envious of Darth Vader's force mad skillz, and because of this he infected him with Herpes. This sickness left him horribly disfigured and forced him to hide his appearance. Darth Vader's first attempts at dyeing a black cloak resulted in disaster, forcing him to find employment as a cyborg-fetish rent boy.
Soon Darth Vader found himself an exciting new garment, with flashing lights on the front allowing him to monitor the Men in Black, who were watching him. This black outfit, consisting of his famous samurai puppy dog helmet (to prevent the aforementioned MIBs from reading his mind) and tight spandex/leather outfit, changed Darth Vader forever. He became more and more powerful and phallic. He even developed veins under his hood.
And so, Darth Vader became to be the ultimate phallic anthropomorphic embodiment (He even has veins under His hood and balls).
The suit was very stylish for his time, but soon became hideously unpopular with the ladies. Vilified by the opposite sex, and cursed by a voice unsuited to delivering cheesy pick-up lines, he started his campaign of kidnapping princess of distant galaxies.
In 1899, he sued the popular children's television host, Fred Vader (AKA: Steve Turner) for stealing his name. The dispute was resolved in the landmark case, Vader v. Vader.
King of Noobs
In 1906, The Darth Cult Movement seized control of the galaxy in the 30 minute saga of the Galactic Deforestation War. Following their resounding victory, Vader assumed the title of King of Iceland. During his reign he initiated several reforms including:
- Restricting use of the Super Star Destroyer to Imperial personnel only. This was welcome as a measure to curb all the Jedi boy racers jetting around in their pimped-up space-whips.
- Ending all religious wars (by declaring all religions illegal, except for The Darth Cult Movement).
- Encouragement of public defenestrations.
- Discouragement of private defenestrations.
- Adopting a vague position on defenestrations to have taken place from a private building onto a public street and vice-versa.
- All power is given to The Darth Cult Movement so's they can pwn joo n00bs.
- Ordering all of Iceland's ice to be shipped to the Sahara and all of the sand in the Sahara to be brought to Iceland, thereby making it an oil rich, Middle Eastern desert state.
- Instigating a nationwide crack down on Icelandic immigrants of Icelandic descent living in Iceland.
- Threatening to erase Iceland with the Death Star should they not turn off lights after leaving the room.
- Awarding himself 'King of Iceland' privileges including the right to cheat on World of Warcraft, the right to lie to Amber traffic lights and the right to drive a horse at over 100 mph.
He was twice voted Man in Cyborg Suit of the Year (1910, 1977) by the readers of Galactic Empire Today. It is also known that during this time he fathered Jean-Luc Picard, though Picard himself vehemently denies this, citing it as a genetic impossibility. It is believed Darth Vader suffered from Excessive Sinister Paternal Syndrome at this point.
Interestingly, recent research into the papers of the late Vader has shown that not-so-shocking evidence that he and Bob Hope conspired to assassinate John F. Kennedy because they thought he was boorish.
Later he was shot by Luke in death library when trying to steal library's jawa leather couch.
Artistic endeavors
Darth Vader made his living for some time after his political stint as a starving internet artist who drew naked pictures of Jawas, and many examples of his work can be seen today. He believed that his paintings were rejected because the artistic establishment in Munich at the time was run by Jewdis. He justified his Final Solution, the Death Camp Star, with the statement 'From my point of view the Jewdi are evil!'
Later Life
Darth was eventually banished from The Darth Cult Movement after he was diagnosed with incurable Excessive Sinister Paternal Syndrome, and was embarrassing the cause. Then, in 2001, Darth Vader stepped down from power, following an injury to his robotic hip after defenestrating his Chief of Staff for using Vader's private urinal in the Death Star bathroom. He declared whoever could best him in a light saber dueling contest would be the new leader. The winner was none other than his own son Chuck Norris. Vader tried to sue, arguing that 'roundhouse kick to the face' was not a valid lightsaber form, and 'Chux Haxxorz'. He was removed from the KOTOR forum shortly afterwards.
Embarrassed by this turn of events, he decided to become a professional wrestler. By then, he had ballooned up to 450 pounds, but was remarkably agile, able to perform backflips off the top rope. During his wrestling career, he had notable feuds with famous rock musician Sting, a cactus, and The Incredible Hulk, and formed a tag team with punk rocker Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols. A famous incident involving him was when he broke Yoko Ono's leg in a match and then ran her over with a forklift.
Following his retirement from wrestling, he wrote his best-selling memoirs. Unfortunately, he was killed in 2003 after a bloody feud with Danish director George Mulagagawaladingdong in which Vader insulted Mulagagawaladingdong for his lame special effects, poor plotting skills and ugly mustache. George Mulagagawaladingdong is currently serving a life sentence in Azkaban. The last sighting of Vader outside of Azkaban was when he was seen rifling trough bins in Downtown Manhattan.
Before his timely death, Darth Vader became a ruler of an evil Icelandic Army called "Grænhöðarnir". Members Of this Evil Army are Lord Bobby Fischer, Lord Penguin#1, Lord Penguin#2, Lord Penguin#3, Lord Penguin#4, Lord Penguin#5, Lord Penguin#6, Lord Hrafnkell, Lord Tommi, Lord Sloth, Lord Voldywhore, Lord Milli, Lord Emo Hitler, Lord Majin Buu and Sölvi the Muggur (Muggur is the Lowest rank, equivalent to a Dogsbody or Fluffer)
It was announced that Verizon is in talks with The Illuminati to Resurrect Vader, and have him take the role of CEO and Spokesperson. Unfortunately, in the recent scuffle with T-Mobile D.V. dropped his medicine and was coughing for weeks on end.
Darth Vader is known as being best buddies with Bill Gates, the Microsoft CEO, and was constantly enforcing Martian law on the players of Call of Duty multiplayers. He also helped develop the new XBOX 360 game console, adding a beam cannon using futuristic features only found in the space.
Return
Although most believe Lord Vader dead, he is rumored to have resurfaced in the guise of Pope Benedict XVI. Also, Jar Jar Binks & his malformed, semi-robotic lovechild with the Brave Little Toaster, General Grievous, are supposedly working on a way to resurrect him & rule the universe. In the meantime a teaser trailer, featuring music by Mac Hartney (a.k.a. last-generation Sith Darth Paul) has been posted on Vader's eternally dormant internet blog. The resurrection of Darth Vader is believed to be as popular a pastime as trainspotting, and has an equally significant role in the real world.
His return shall portent the mighty and righteous tyranny of the true virility over the smaller citizenhood in order to restore the natural way of the natural things. That means, women should be either in the kitchen or producing babies.
Endorsements
During his political career, Darth Vader often took time off to endorse a variety of things, including:
- The "Just Say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" campaign
- Native American financial aid
- Mechanical eating equipment
- Amputations
- Arachibutyrophobia
- Being Jack Yang's Bitch
- Insoles & Arch Supports
- Elvis Presley records
- How to properly bake muffins
- Toilet paper (Motto: The power to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of soft perfumed paper)
- Kittens with no homes
- Using fluorescent lightbulbs as swords
- Cyborg dominatrix pornography
- Rhine River controller
- Spaceships shaped like bowties
- Angry Lesbian Breasts
- Toenail clippers for multiple limb amputees
- Scuba Equipment
- The Catholic Church
- Push-button technology
- Swiffers
- Imitation Wonka bars
- The Atonement Special
- Movies such as "Star Wars"
- New Coke (Cost him thousands of fans)
- Dairy Farms
- Big shiny metals helmets
- Point and Click Interfaces
- Skynet
- The American Republican Party
- The State of Israel
- Girls Gone Wild Videos
- The Albany, NY Goth Scene
- Nader/LaDuke in 2000
- French figure skating judges with connections to the Russian mafia
- Blind people that crawl to work
- Japanese Nazis
- Razor Gator
- Invented the buttplug.
- Wonka and friends
- Asthmatics Anonymous
- IRP (Independent Red Potatoes)
- NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)
- Fuck the dick-less gaYANKEES
- Bow to the almighty METS
- Dancing to Simon and Garfunkal
Ralph Nader was good friends with Darth Vader. In 1999, Nader persuaded Vader to rejoin the dark side. Nader has since turned into a pinko commie, along with his good friend, Bob Rae.
Save the Vader charity
As many of you may well know Vader is in his mid 40's now so he is extremely old and nearing the end of his life. Our organization is designed to raise money to buy him a new, pink, force powered wheel chair to help him "spread the love" as he often says, so please send as much money to us at.
- Dewey Cheetam & Howe
- P.O. Box 123
- New York, NY
So please send as much money as you can to the charity, as Vader desperately needs help.
Darth Vader has also taken on the task of starting his own band. The band's prospective names include "Sephioroth Don't Want None" and "Once You Go Black" and "Darth Vader and the Lord of the Shits"
So what did he do next?
After Luke Skywalker destroyed his beloved Death Star, Darth Vader became a door-to-door salesman and was a great success, (his Jedi mind tricks became very helpful to sell vacuum cleaners) but one fateful morning he was fired for using the Force to choke a man to death after he refused to buy a collection of vacuum bags for an outrageous $14.99, he then turned to homelessness. Later Darth Vader changed his name to Stephen Harper, and became the prime minister of Canada, doing anything Gorge 'Dubya' Bush tells him to do. This is because 'Dubya' blew up Iraq and several other random areas like; Moose Mountain, Saskatchewan, Canada, and then took all their money to make Darth another death star... and to buy him a soda. Although Darth Vader became the prime minister of Canada, he was still homeless.
After he was kicked out of Canada's government he changed his name to Chad Vader and became a dayshift manager. He even made a show about it that is published on YouTube. Clint, his evil nemesis, is a fool.
Darth Vader also went in search for his long lost father Jordan Davies who went missing in Coursant after George Lucas scrapped his character. Jordan is apparently hiding in Merthyr Tydfil Wales and attending Merthyr College for the freaks gifted with the force.
Nowadays, Darth Vader is an warlord on Wikipedia.
See also
- Star Wars
- Star Trek
- Emperor Palpatine
- Dick Cheney
- Noooooooooooooo!
- Star Wars Marital Aids
- Condoleeza Rice
- Bea Arthur
- Sith
- George W. Bush
- IRS
- Darth Television
- Code: LYOKO
- Hitler
- Shit
- Emma Yadefi ding dong!
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