Dog
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Pre-Article Note: If you seriously don't know what a dog is, you are a shameful, sad little being, and should see this article
| The Dog! | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | United |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | toiletus drinkius |
| Order | Crapus Streetatis |
| Family | Poopfactoria |
| Genus | Canis |
| Species | Familiaris |
| Binomial Name | Canis familiaris |
| Primary Armament | 1d8+4, bite |
| Secondary Armament | 1d1+4, chemical K9Pu |
| Power Supply | {{{power}}} |
| HP: | 54.5 |
| Mana Points: | 14 |
| Strength: | 0.9 |
| Intelligence: | -23 =100 |
| Weight | {{{weight}}} |
| Length | (1'5)-(3'5) Ft |
| Special Attack | Rabies, Poop, Piss |
| Conservation Status | Rare |
Dogs are the reigning, dominant species over the face of Mars and the Earth, a fact manifested by their uncanny ability to force their human underlings to pick up their crap from the street while the dog supervises. They also enslave humans by making them willingly pay for expensive 60-lb. bags of food and treats to feed their voracious appetites [1], and picking up expensive health care tabs. The human slaves away at a job while the dog stays home chewing shoes, drinking from the toilet, licking his balls, humping your wife while she sleeps and sleeping/shitting in the human's bed/carpet. To do all this, they apply a hardcore psychological manipulation developed over centuries on their human puppets via body language and the development of eyebrow-like hair above their eyes to make them look sad and cute. Dogs are known to live by the motto In Dog we trust, but at times it is also stated as Who let the dogs out?
Dogs love cats. True. very true. Now tell your mom that you learned that in school and watch the school board get sued!!! Oy.
Dogs are also a tool for doing random crap with, such as cleaning the toilet.
They can also force humans to take them out for walks during thunderstorms and ice storms. They are part of the squirrel family, and are different from pigeons in that they are four-legged, but they do also either have or do not have a trunk.
Despite popular sentiment otherwise, the dog is man's worst enemy. All dogs, great and small, would not hesitate for an instant to kill you savagely, tear off your head and shit down your neck, then eat your children Mike Tyson-style and fuck your woman.[2] Luckily, they restrain themselves in most cases because attacking humans means almost certainly the end of having a leg/pillow to hump, table scraps, a warm house and a toilet to drink from, as well as kibble and sausages. Attacking humans can also result in being hit in the head with a rolled-up newspaper and death. Dogs are definitely not as stupid as they look.
Also, when many young dogs (or "puppies", as they are sometimes referred to) are brought together in large groups of 10 or 12 and placed in a cardboard box with a blanket, they have been known to cause much enjoyment in females and small children, who enjoy being licked in the face by the pups despite the fact that the dogs had been eating their own fucking shit and licking their own genitalia a couple of minutes earlier. Though they are cute, they cannot be trained away from their natural killer instinct.
Experts also predict the dogs will never get caught red-handed in their schemes; even if they do, they will never confess to all the terrible things that they probably have done. They will simply yawn, fart and casually smell each other's asses, while showing no sympathy for whoever takes the blame. In fact, when a dog eats someone's face off or causes property damage, the owner is the one stuck paying all material and court costs. Dogs also enjoy unparalleled clemency compared to humans in the offense of noise pollution... which is why you always blame the dog when you are baking brownies. Unprovoked dogs" dogs, puppies, and bitches all have their own respective religions, Dogism, Puppism, and Bitchism. In all of these religions The Ultimate Baby Who is Quite Gentle (AKA Jesus 2.0) is God, Dog-version-of-Jesus-type-thing, and has complete control over all dogs...and can fly with only thoughts. Hahahaha, I don't know what I'm saying! Anyways, it's magical bone can bring members of the dog race back to life and can kill any cat within one mile. AAAAAAAAA!
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Redeemable Uses
Despite this, however, studies have shown that dogs do have several redeemable uses. This might be the reason why people acquire the animal as a pet, ignoring the several warnings found on this site. Following is a list containing some of the most common ways that to make use of dogs.
- Reducing the world's overpopulation by killing small children.
- Air fresheners for perverts into coprophilia and/or water sports.
- A staple source of income for the carpet cleaning industry.
- Annoying neighbors / Giving the police work to do.
- placing mines on their backs and using them to destroy American tanks(don't let them roll over)
- Spreading rabies.
- Biting you in the nuts
- Small penis compensation.
- Featuring in nasty porn websites that constantly spam your email address.
- Pushing Timmy down a well.
- Giving furniture repair people a job by chasing their tails and random air molecules.
- Excuses for not completing homework. (Dogs really will tear it up!)
- Excuse for exercise, an activity well known to be completely uncool among fatties.
- Dragging a blind man around all day.
- Being worshiped by dyslexic people as 'God'
- Teaching Russians not to use them to try and blow up tanks
- Playing Poker
- As a Christmas present. (Please don't or the RSPCA will come after you!!!)
- Christmas dinner.
- Also may be used as a source of wool
- Knows 19 dialects of Chinese... (99% of what they know is "don't eat me!")
- I.Q. of 2 higher than George Bush
- Can make you seem like you're good at poker
- Can be used in absence of a horse
- ZOMG!1!1!! U cAn ToTeS dReSs It Up LyK a LiL bAbY!!11111111!!!!!!11!!!!!!
- Burning
- Cooling humans down by getting wet, then shaking themselves right beside the human. Bonus points if the dog got wet in smelly water.[[1]]
Little Known Dog-Related Hazards
Should you somehow end up with the responsibility for a dog, it's important to know the common hazards of dogcare. Though they are many and difficult to grasp, it might result in much pain for you and your pet, should they be ignored. Also, do NOT try to tell them that they are not as smart as the cats. It makes them feel degraded and horny.
Doggable
Dogxidising
Dogsplosive
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Dogxic
Dogorrosive |
Dogs: Different Types, Different Levels of Fame
There are literally dozens of different kinds of dogs. Man has been fucking with the size, shape and temperament of the wolf for centuries, for no appreciable reason other than to prove that they can. And they do. Here is a complete and comprehensive list of every kind of known dog, complete with an informative and enlightening summary of the dog's most salient characteristics.
Types of Dogs
Stupid Dogs
- Poodles - Poodles, widely maligned for the aggression of the breed, are just merely insanely happy yet stubborn dogs. Plus, most poodles are simply bi-sexual. However take care, standard poodles which aren't into hair curlers and pompom tails will easily have your arm off instead.
- Dog the Bounty Hunter - Being a very muscular breed of dog. They are entirely pure and clean, and do not have roots in any other of the unclean breeds of dogs. Dog the Bounty Hunters are originally from southern Hicksville and, as such are, of course, bred exclusively by the Huckabee family. The species had seen a great decline in recent centuries. Scientists speculate that this may be because the males are very selective in the breeding process and because of their tiny brains, they possess a sex drive that is much higher than the average dog's. It is a well-known fact that males only choose females with abnormally huge breasts. In the past 70 or so years, these dogs have been used in law enforcement, but so far this attempt at integrating them into our human society has only resulted in tragedy (See: Nazis).
- Dalmatians - Dalmatians are actually very bright dogs *cough*cough*. As such, they enjoy a wide range of activities, including discussing the works of Shakespeare (in bark), and setting political rivals on fire (with bones), yet like all dogs they are not above eating grass, feces, rolling in shit, and licking their genitalia.
- Samoyed - Large, fluffy and white, this breed is actually a bunch of polar bears in a clever dog disguise, meant to infiltrate mankind and eat our children. Unfortunately, most of them are too stupid to realize this and spend their time slobbering and making fun of Huskies, whom they claim are "Girlie Dogs."
- Pitbullshit Terrier - A cross breed between Bull Terriers and Politicians, known for a loud bark and tiny brain.
Moderately Clever Dogs
- Agatha Christie's Marple - bred for solving plot-holes in kitchen-sink dramas, next-door-neighbour murder mysteries, Tim Burton films, etc.
- Inspector Rex - another qualified detective dog; with the added talent of barking in German (in an Austrian accent).
- Pekingese - bred for their powers in oratory, as well as their compact size.
- Tamagotchi - required for witty dinner-party repartee and social eloquence.
Genius Dogs (by individual)
- Evil Lassie
- Evil Toto
- Pomeranian
- Beethoven (possibly the cleverest, and most evil)
Exploding dogs These dogs are no more than 4 inches tall, and can often be found in the fridge, drooling and chewing the temperature control dial. They explode when exposed to static electricity.
Other dogs
C.o.d.
CATS vs Dogs
The two species of animals are both secretly trying to over the world and humans are aiding their objectives. But both animals have different views and when the two species meet there are a number of possible conclusions
- 1. The two animals ignore each other
- 2. The Dog attacks the cat and tears him to shreds
- 3. The Cat attacks the dog and tears him to shreds
- 4. The Dog chases the cat but never catches it because speed is not a dog's strong point, and the dog can climb trees but is too lazy to.
- 5 The cat pulls out a lazer and blasts the dog to dust(my favorite)
It seems a surprise that the two species have not had a big war in the 21st Century. It is well known the CATS did defeat the dogs in Egyptian Times. The dogs have evolved into the bigger animal and scientists seem content in cross breeding to make dogs stronger unfortunately the mutts are now either too dumb or too slow to catch a retreating cat which comically led to the great London Hit and Run by the cats on unsuspecting dogs. Young Fido (yes the real Fido) nearly broke his neck but was saved by a caring, sympathetic Osama Bin Laden who went on to put the dog up for adoption. Nobody bought it so he ate it.
Currently, in the Supreme Court case of "Dog Vs Cat" of 1885, where a Labrador caused injuries to a tabby and sent him to the vet's office, it was suggested that a restraining order was needed to be put in place. It was decreed that all dogs should keep a distance of 10 feet from all cats. However, it was quickly overturned when the judge saw the Labrador's puppy eyes and cute face.
What dogs eat
- Food
- Babies
- Poo, including rabbit, human, and cat... but they have a particular taste for horse... Dogs consider poop to be "Poopalicious" and will eat any kind of poop available... then go and lick your face.
- Mailmen, hand and arse injuries are most commonly reported.
- Trash
- Other dogs
- Roadkill
- Peanut butter (proven by Rush Limbaugh)
- Your kids, best way to get rid of the little brats.
- Cats
- Their tail, though some dogs thought to be doing this are actually eating poo as it comes out of their arse, so be careful not to mis-identify these attributes.
- Their vomit, often in profuse quantities.
- Rabbits
- Dead Birds
- Farts
- Balls
- Chocolate
Cat and Dog fusion
This recent Hollywood fad has been received by many as simply another strange product of Tom Cruise. It calls for two teleporters, and yes- you may fuse your cat and dog into one animal. Simply put the cat in one Teleporter and put your dog in the other, make sure that the teleporters are correctly calibrated, and...BOOM!! Congratulations! You now have your very own abomination! Known advantages to this method are; 1) no more fighting between the two, as your hideously mangled creation will probably have died; and 2) reduced need for unsightly matrimonial lawyers, also dogs have a favorite food, it is cantaloupe which is a large form of a walnut. If you are ever caught with a cantaloupe in you hands just say "God I have some type of rash" and the dog will back away quickly.
- Zomg! Do you need to fight your dog? Has it challenged you to Mortal Kombat? Read this "Qwick-to-Lern" HowTo!
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