My ex-wife
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“Paying alimony is like feeding molasses to a dead cow. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on My Ex-Wife
My Ex-Wife is the biggest whore in North America. Besides charging money for sexual favors, she left me for another woman. This wouldn't bother me so much if the girl she was with wasn't my YOUNGER SISTER! I mean, there ought to be a LAW or something, right?
Oh yeah, she almost managed to screw up our three kids. Our oldest, Timothy... He's wearing a dress, dear. A bra and panties too. How do I know? Just because I only get them once a week doesn't mean I don't LOOK in their luggage. You probably think this is OK, but it's not. And BTW, I don't really give a damn if the brat got mad at me for snooping. And yes, go ahead! Tell your lawyer. I've got a lawyer too. Just because he can't wriggle me out of alimony right now, doesn't make this alright!
And Joanne? The girl is 11. What the hell does she need with a cell phone? I'm not paying for that crap. Tell the judge whatever you want. You're not getting any more money from me so an 11 year old can run out of minutes every month. And try to make her wear a skirt that goes *BELOW* her knees! Jesus...
My ex-wife is in hot love with your mom. Well, fine. I hope he's... um, she's happy.
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[edit] History
The history of My Ex-Wife started with our marriage. That was when she weighed 120 lbs. Within a few months, she was constantly eating chocolates and went up to 200 lbs. This sordid tale did not end until her thighs were rubbing together like two teenagers in the back seat at a drive-in.
The sexual exploits of My Ex-Wife ended with the birth of our last child. That is to say, the sexual exploits that involved me. It was also the last time she cooked or cleaned anything.
The divorce was triggered by me uttering the following six words: 'Why don't you get a job?'
She served me with the papers the next day and found a career walking the streets.
[edit] What she got
- The kids
- The money
- The car
- The house
- The boat
- The big screen TV
- The stereo
- The entertainment system
- That $3000 $*&@!# timeshare in Arizona that I never wanted to buy
- My Dignity
- My clothes
- My testicles
- My money
[edit] What she didn't get
- The mattress the cat keeps spraying on
- The cat
- The microwave that doesn't work right
- Crabs...oops sorry that was me
- The hospital bill from the heart attack she gave me
- A cardboard box
[edit] What she left me with as well
- A prime spot on the sidewalk in Skid Row
[edit] What she doesn't know
- The cat is pregnant My EX little sister (that's right, your very own stupid MOTHER) wants to huff all the kittens. I'm going to let her. So don't cry uncle, ok?
- That TV show you're going to be on in Chicago? It's Jerry Springer. You just wait!
- I told the FBI. They know everything. They were very interested. So was the IRS.
- That photo on the right? That's my NEW girlfriend. Think it looks like Angelina Jolie? It is. We're dating. It's nice to be with somebody skinny for a change. Oh yeah, she's WAY into oral sex, too. You only know about that with different plumbing, don't you?
[edit] Who she slept with
(This list has been deleted by the Uncyclopedia staff for the sake of saving bandwidth.)
[edit] Who she slept with for money
[Warning - The entire scope of this list is being withheld by request of the United States Department of Morality. This is only a partial list which was leaked by secret order of the Bush White House (i.e. Scooter Libby)]
- Oscar Wilde
- Your mom
- Your dad
- You
- Me
- Infidel Castrated
- Jesus
- Most of the Jackson 5
- Satan
- a Jewish gang bang crew
[edit] What the kids think
The kids don't think. They're kids. They've been ingratiated to believe by the ... err, pubic... school system that gay marriage is an alright and acceptable lifestyle. You just wait until I convince the judge that it isn't. You can kiss that support money byeee byeee!
The one who thinks least is our youngest son, Jason. He's never going to lift the seat unless you show him, honey. That's what boys do. They DON'T think about it. Understand? How are you gonna show him the right way to pee? Everybody in your house has to sit; including Timothy! (thanks to you!!!)
[edit] What the church thinks
I already talked to Father Fitzpatrick. You're not allowed to take communion anymore, honey. That's right. The pope doesn't approve of this kind of stuff. Remember how you always said I was going to hell 'cuz I wasn't Catholic? Well, you are Catholic and they've got a nice spot reserved down there for you and sis. HA HA HA!
[edit] What the neighbors think
Oh yeah... Spousal support DOESN'T mean that I have to cut the lawn anymore. If you or the dyke don't get that grass under 6", the city's gonna give you a $200 fine. You remember six inches, don't you sweetie? That's HALF the size of that fake thing my sister has to wear. Only, IT AIN'T REAL!!!
[edit] What the rest of the family thinks
Too bad sis... Mom said you can't come for Christmas anymore. You know, the only day of the year when I get the kids and have to remove all that mush from their brains. It's just me and *MY* children. That's right, *MY* kids. Your nieces and nephews. Don't think you're their mom; you're not. Oh yeah, dad says he knew about your "lifestyle" a *LONG* time before you came out of the closet. You never really fooled anybody, you know. Oh yeah, and we're just a bunch of hillbillies. But then again, you already knew that, eh?
[edit] Fun Facts
- I got pictures of her and sis doing the wild thing
- I'm gonna post them on an internet site for money.
- Working under the table screws her *AND* the IRS.
- Dad wrote them both out of the will
- The cars is losing compression and is getting ready to blow a head gasket. I can't wait to see the dyke fix it.
- Next month, all her mail is getting forwarded to Alaska.
