Yu-Gi-Oh!
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“In Soviet Russia, Oh-Gi-Yu!!!!!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Yu-Gi-Oh!
Youtube: Yu-Gi-Oh the abridged version. You-Gay-Ho was created by none other than God (Little Kuriboh).From its lame inception as a gay porn that would bring the French card game Duel Monsters to a whole new generation, Yu-Gi-Oh!(Pronounced "You Gay Hoe", known in Scotland as Oh! I, guy. due to trademark issues) has received high acclaim for the depth of its characters, complexity of its plot, intelligent use of magic as a plot device, and sharp focus on what matters most in life: whether or not you win a children's card game. In the edited anime version it was deemed too gay because they based their life on a fucking game and were deamed insane.
Yu-Gi-Uh-Oh! (遊☆ゲイ☆王, Japanese for "Yes, I am gay". Also, in Japan, stars in the title of any anime or manga indicate that it is yaoi(aka shit). is a popular Japanese anime and manga by Kazuki Takahashi, a person known to be married to the crackpot who invented Inuyasha. It's plot focuses on a young boy's periodic visits by a pedophile from ancient times. It is rated D (for destroy this before anybody sees it, unwatch) in all countries due to sexual innuendo, near-nudity (usually male or monster), the profusion of phallic symbols during the Penis City story arc, and showing near XXX Threesomes during DOMA.It is a popular rip off of YouGayHoe It is a children's card game that, by Law, only adults are allowed to play it. Also, only Yugi Moto actually knows that actual rules to this actual game. need to shout it out), is also the Japanese secret plan to take over the world using a trading card game. The real author of Yu-Gi-Oh! is Willy Wonka, the killer of Jesus, Moses and Jehovah, rumored force behind the effect of Human Huffing, the giant rat plague and the richest man in the world. Production of You-Gay-Ho! cards were temporarily stopped when Hayao Miyazaki was disgusted by Wonka's creation and shot him in the kneecap. Wonka survived.
In truth, Yu-Gi-Oh! is no more than one of the recently proliferating TCG's (Testicle Cover Guards) that are made exclusively from Japanese trading cards. The storyline regards an immature boy with a delusion that his alter-ego-soul is an ancient senile Pharaoh who accidentally got himself sealed into a shiny gold necklace when he tried to do nasty things with Zork Necrophidias's second head.
Yu-Gi-Oh, despite being a senior citizen's show, features many gay themes. These themes are cleverly revealed up for the American audience, but are still there -- Especially the bizarre scenes of doggy-style being portrayed as games of pee-on-the-person-you're-jumpin-over-in-leap-frog. But, we all know that it's still ass-ramming.
Yu-Gi-Oh!, pronounced "You-Gay-Hoe!" or "Oh-I-Guy" (yes, you ==The Heart of the Cards==
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Throughout the history of Duel Monsters, there has always been the idea that a player, to truly be a master of the rape, must have the "Heart of the Cards", and the "Penis of Bob faget". Outsiders and newcomers should become familiar with this important principal. Little do his opponents know that the heart of the cards is a specially devised way of cheating that Phil came up with by hiding cards in his vagina? whenever he needs them.
Depending on the version of the game one is playing, the Heart of the Cards can mean one of two things:
- If one is playing the French Édition Deux or a newer variation (or the seldom-played American version), having the Heart of the Cards means believing in the power of the proletariat to overthrow the decadent and corrupt feudal landholder class and become their own masters.
- If one is playing the ancient French version (Édition Antique) or the modern Japanese version, having the Heart of the Cards means believing in yourself, the luck of the draw, and the fact that you can always pull a win out of your ass because the game has no actual rules- don't forget; when you're just about to lose, place your hand over your deck and yell, "HEART OF THE CARDS!"
The medieval Japanese version tended to put no emphasis at all on the idea of having the Heart of the Cards, preferring to stick to very Japanese codes of honor. I will not explain these codes of honor because, to tell the truth, you either get them or you don't. Plus, did you know that Ron Jeremy use to play Yu-Gi-Oh!? He really loved the game.
But to some it all up, in the show whenever Yugi Mutou, the main character, is dueling, all he has to do is reach into his pants and pull out his trump card that always seems to win him the game. (Warning use of this strategy can cause your opponett to cry and quite possibly wet or shit themseves.) So be careful with this power because remember Peter, "with great power comes great responsibility. Now get your ass back in bed." No not really. He just cheats beyond comparison. Also in Yu-gi always mages to win his games, for example: I need this curtain card to win...i drew it.
Suppose someone loses at the game and he or she really hates losing! Well, he or she can yell "I know you cheated because I have the Heart of the Cards!" Then he or she reaches into his or her opponent's chest and yanks out her opponent's heart. Then the "victor" yells "Heart of the Cards!" in front of the shocked old ladies playing bridge. Oh, sure, the "victor" will be convicted and sent to life in prison. But, the important thing is that he or she won the game, isn't it?
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[edit] History
The card game Duel Monsters was invented in France in 1779 by Louis XVI. Louis was playing a game of strip poker with a group of German guests: the renowned diplomat Ludwig von Hamburglar, the famous statesman Friedrich Schweingeldkirche, and the celebrated composer Johann Sebastian Bach. Louis was down to his knickers (the state of undress the guests were in is often disputed among scholars.) When the time came to show his hand, his guests' hands (four of a kind, full house, straight flush: who had which is also a matter for dispute) were much better than his (7 of diamonds, Jack of hearts, 2 of spades, 11 of clubs, Call of the Herd.) Thinking quickly, Louis hastily scribbled a cloaked magician onto the 7 of diamonds and played the card, saying "Mon Magicien Foncé défait votre quinte flush (My Dark Magician defeats your straight flush.) J'ai le Coeur des Cartes (I have the Heart of the Cards.)" When the German guests tried to argue against the move, Louis sent them to the guillotine.
The game of Duel Monstres quickly gained popularity among the bourgeoisie. Nobles would often play it in court(trial). This served multiple purposes. None of which are suitable for young children.
- The first was to allow the nobles to display their creativity in inventing new rules and monsters, as well as their ability to draw; this of course led to a nonsensical rule structure that no one ever bothered trying to remember or make sense of. It also led to a famous filibuster of sorts in which a young Napoleon took 5 hours to draw an elaborate ducky. Napoleon subsequently fell out of favor with the nobility, and no one ever again wasted so much time on a single turn.
- The second purpose was to exchange messages in the form of metaphor. A famous example was Monsieur André du Grille-Pain's invention of the far-from-subtle Tadpole Injection card, which he often used as a sort of blackmail to gain the upper hand. From this tradition of metaphor descends the grand and confusing school of French Surrealism.
- The third purpose was to show who was more powerful in the king's court. Always, the man who won the game was the one who wielded more power. When disagreements arose between nobles, they would settle those disagreements over a game of Duel Monstres. And in all cases recorded by history, the man that won the game also won the argument because he had had a power advantage to begin with.
Because the man with greater power always won, some nobles chose to play the game with peasants, often before robbing them of something. It was their way of rubbing their power in the peasants' faces. In all cases (except one,) the peasants lost to the nobles, because they knew what was good for them. Sometimes a peasant who was talented at the game could make things interesting, giving the noble a challenge to his inventiveness and a thoroughly enjoyable time. Such peasants would be rewarded by not getting screwed as badly. Only once did a peasant beat a noble at Duel Monstres. A man named Jean Grandderrière, who simply got fed up, defeated Monsieur Jean Petites Baies in less than an hour and arrogantly declared, "J'ai le Coeur des Cartes." Grandderrière was promptly hanged, proving that he didn't know what was good for him. The use of the game against peasants led to revolution. Singing their legendary hymn "Les Temps, Ils A-Changent," the proletariat overthrew their oppressors and made Napoleon their new leader. Now that liberty was won, the names of the months weren't the only things the French changed. Duel Monstres was treated to revision on a grand scale. While the nobility had populated the game with some 18 trillion monsters, the new leaders, who were representatives of the people, trimmed it down to a manageable 150 (151 if you had GameShark, like I did.) Each monster was allowed 4 moves. The number of special cards was also reduced, from untold quadrillions to 30. And the newly-written rule structure was filled with the propaganda of the revolution. This simplified version of the game became very popular among the newly liberated French peasantry.
After the Louisiana Purchase brought the game to America, "Duel Monsters" found limited success in the US, where everything was renamed and edits were made to suit America's prudish sensibilities. Some changes made were deemed racist after the North won the Civil War, and the game was banned.
Despite what the French like to think about their revolution, we Americans know it didn't last. As time passed and France became the republic it is today, leaders looked back on the history of Duel Monstres and began to reconsider the value of change. They decided that the game should be allowed to change with time, so long as the rate of change didn't get out of hand. The leaders created a branch of government that would decide by committee what changes would be officially become rules of the game. This committee still performs this duty today. Rule books are available at all tourist kiosks. While the serious fans enjoy the more elaborate game play and 386 monsters, many casual fans choose to stick to the version created during the Revolution, which they have come to lovingly refer to as Édition Deux. Both Édition Deux and the newer permutations enjoy widespread popularity in modern France. Nobody plays Édition Antique, like the nobles did before the revolution, unless they're being sarcastic; scholars, however, spend hours researching and studying those oldest games of Duel Monstres and getting into the heads of the men who played them.
[edit] The Japanese Version
Before the French Revolution, regal diplomats to the East brought Duel Monstres to Japan. During this medieval era of Japan, the many wandering samurai and ninjas adopted "Duru Monsturusu" as their own. They took to carrying decks of cards on their belts on the hip opposite their sword. Though the French hadn't yet given the game real structure, the Japanese kept things in check through the use of iron codes of honor that no westerner — not even Tom Cruise — could ever understand or appreciate. No honorable swordsman respected a man who played the game dishonorably; such dishonorable men soon found their throats slit open and were disowned by their families. Arguably, these samurai and ninjas gave the game its first real sense of structure.
The Japanese version of Duel Monsters remained relatively unchanged for nearly 150 years. During World War II, Japanese soldiers — ground troops, naval crews on ships and submarines, kamikaze pilots about to go on their first and final missions — were playing a version of the game that had barely changed at all. But of course, we all know what happened: America won the war, and all the quaint old ways went out the door.
After the war, the codes of honor faded away, and the Japanese version of Duel Monsters quickly deteriorated into a mess much like the one it came from; the one the French call "Édition Antique". And that's basically where it is today. It's this version of the game that the Japanese were celebrating when they created Yu-Gi-Oh!.
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[edit] The Shadow Realm
Accurately describing the Shadow Realm is difficult. Like Hell, it was the subject of paintings by Hieronymus Bosch. A recent attempt was made by NASA to photograph the Shadow Realm, but the camera stopped responding before any pictures could be taken and is believed to have been eaten. Most of what we base our conception of the Sadow Realm upon is a single story from Japanese lore. Even today, the description given in the story is widely believed in Japan, and while Westerners are skeptical, they can't come up with anything better.
The story is a part of the legend of Shitoru the Iron Mane, whose hair was so strong that it could not be cut from the day he was born. About this, the legend says, "Shitoru's mother tried with all her strength to cut her son's hair, but for her efforts she only succeeded in breaking her scissors. Hitachi [his father, a renowned iron worker] fetched the sword that he kept in a secret place. This, he'd always said, was the finest sword he had ever made. He bade his son lie on the ground with his hair stretched out on a log. Hitachi brought his sword down upon Shitoru's hair, and lo, the hair was not cut. Hitachi was astounded, but he would not accept defeat. Again he brought down the sword on his son's hair. And again. And when he brought it down the thirteenth time, several pieces of metal broke free from the blade, and the sword was ruined. And not a single strand of hair had been cut." And there are a bunch of other stories about the strength of his hair. Shitoru apparently shielded himself in battle a bunch of times using it, and he strangled a real nasty guy by tying it around the guy's neck and pulling him along behind his horse, one time he used the hair as a bridge... Lots of stuff like that. Also, of course, there's the story where the hair is finally cut by a fierce young warrior named Kenshin.
Anyway, there's this one story about Shitoru and the Shadow Realm. This story takes place during Shitoru's young-and-brash phase. You know how that can be. All epic heroes go through them. Even Hercules had one. He was staying at an inn with his comrades. There was a beautiful young girl there called Rorita. (Remember that in Japan, relations between adults and young girls are not only considered acceptable; they're considered downright polite.) She offered to give her untouched body to any man who could beat her at Duru Mon... Duel Monsters. So what happened? Shitoru beat her by cheating. He did the dishonorable thing. Then they snuck off to a room to make whoopie. But then while they were doing it, Rorita changed her body back to its true form, for she was really the witch Honimama in disguise. And with her evil magic, she punished Shitoru for his dishonesty by pulling him into the Shadow Realm through the hole in her crotch.
So later that night, Shitoru's friend Hoichi the Earless went looking for him. And he saw Rorita. He remembered they'd gone off together earlier to make whoopie. So he asked her if she'd seen him. So then, because she was evil, she lured Hoichi into a room, stripped, and tried to seduce him. But Hoichi found a flaw in Honimama's disguise — the unchanged skin of her scalp. He saw through her and sliced her in two before she could pull any evil tricks. So after he did this, he saw a single strand of hair sticking out of the witch's naughty place. And by pulling this single strand of hair, he was able to pull Shitoru back from the Shadow Realm.
The next several pages of the saga as written contain Shitoru's long description of the Shadow Realm. Excerpts follow.And a man did paint a portrait of a soup can, and the people did praise him as a genius. And then he did display a 5-hour record of a man sleeping, and they did praise him even more. And then another man displayed a record of himself climbing a pole and rubbing vaseline in his orifices, and he too was praised. And praise was lavished upon paintings that were created with no effort involved. And the people did discuss at length what all these works did mean.
Stupidity was seen as a virtue. Those who were most stupid were placed in high positions of power, and their actions were exhalted. And those who were prisoners did groan under the yoke of stupidity as their votes were burned by the brothers of idiots.
And the people did pretend great knowledge in matters about which they knew nothing. In the case of wine, for example, they insisted upon Pinot Noir and would not accept Merlot. And they would not shut up about how knowledgeable they thought themselves! Every sentence was more grating than the next!
And they did worship at the altars of boxes that would display records that were sanitized and comprised of pieces that were recycled from previous records.
And there was no sleeping in the Shadow Realm, for the residents did nightly ride in carts propelled by engines that were loud beyond all reason. And they did argue loudly and yell at their children. Nor was there relief in the day, for it grew mercilessly hot, and the landlord would not fix the fucking air conditioning, though he kept promising that he would.
Meanwhile, in France, the term "the Shadow Realm" was used as a euphemism for the guillotine.
[edit] The TV Series
Yu-Gi-Oh! is as a TV seies is even gayer than the concept of the card game. The series is based on a manga that spit out a Sub and which had sex with 4Kids, Naruto, America, Oscar Wilde , Michel Jackson, your mom, that gay guy who always enjoys wrestling and produced a bastard child called Dub. The Sub wants to convince us that the Naked Pharaoh washes well and that Katsuya Jonouchi and Mai Kujaku happen to find the highest quality soaps in luxury Los Angeles stores for wealthy celebrities, while the Dub tells us that Joey Wheeler is a dog t3h smex and he is in a bestial/sado-maso relationship with Mai Valentine, the hottie of the show. Also, the Dub is made centred upon the presumption that Amerikan kids just cannot handle Japanese names... or Egyptian names.
We're very concerned.
The second show (a first was made in Japan but it was soon considered dead to the world due to too many scenes with Kaiba having green hair and not 'screwing the rules' enough) was actually originally called "Yuugiou : Duel Monsters", but 4Kids Entertainment believed this phrase to be too challenging for the viewers and decided to replace it with the dictionary pronunciation "Yu-Gi-Oh". Nonetheless, the show actually decreases the IQ of the viewers with its multiple subliminal messages and super special awesome flashy colors. Yay. Most of the lead characters in this series also tend to have belt-straps on every appendage of their bodies. This is viewed as cool by the general public and is thus copied, resulting in many slow, painful deaths via loss of circulation.
An interesting note is that 4Kids "kidified" the series. For example, scenes involving characters getting stabbed, falling to their (unseen) deaths, being killed by the army, or getting their legs cut off, were all changed to the characters being sent to the Shadow Realm, which was rumored to be somewhere in Vermont (whether or not this is based on the Shadow Realm of Japanese mythology is unconfirmed; when asked to comment, a sweatshop animator commented, "don't bother me, I'm busy screwing anime.") Asked to comment, 4Kids' owner said "Well, it's a cartoon, and cartoons should only be for kids. You see, the idea of people getting killed/mangled would warp the poor toddlers' minds, so we changed it to the much safer getting one's mind imprisoned forever. We know it doesn't make much sense, (I still don't know what the hell a dark energy disc is supposed to be.) but screamed YOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!" as multipule fanboys decended upon him and ate him.
There are twenty-seven TV series consisting of said Yu-Gi-Oh!. This article will be covering two of them. The first was originally called Roflcopter Waffles Look at the Kid in the Tight Pants Play With Cards, but was immediately changed to Yu-Gi-Oh!, an awkward title for such a theme, by Malcolm X. The second series is entitled Yu-Gi-Oh Jee Ex. Fortunately Kazuki Takahashi's wonderful Nazi friend Wilbur realized that by adding two letters, one of them being X, creates the very essence of what a good title is.
Yu-Gi-Oh
The first and last series, this show follows the adventures of George Smith (distant relative of LDS founder Joseph Smith) who is brought up in a strict Mormon community and forced to wear a sailor suit. He's bored with life and entertains himself by sneeking out into the woods to masturbate. One night, alone in the woods, a Ghost calling himself "Mega Therion" appears and gives him the same Urim and Thummim with which his great-great grandfather used to divine the Book of Mormon.
AC soon reveals to young George that he is not merely a descendant of Joseph Smith, but was also his reincarnation. He then stages appointments for Yugi, giving him the name "Yugi Mutou" (Yugi being the Greek pronunciation of "George") and initiating him into the mysteries of his esoteric version of the French Deul Monstres, and is also taught the use of magick and the virtues of hospitality to become a great holy warrior of the modern era.
Soon he brings his similarly warped friends over to play poker to hallucinogens. This is discovered very quickly by their very conservative Mormon parents when they whatch footage of their children in a drugged out orgy on 60 Minutes. They promptly send them away to a mental institution. However, they learn the art of astral projection, and, through the aid of smuggled drugs and playing cards, continue in their adventures amidst the harsh conditions of the facility.
Yu-Gi-Oh Jee Ex
Yu-Gi-Oh Jee Ex is still running as of 2047, and currently has 2.5 Seasons in America from 4Kids, 3 Seasons in Japan, 3.14159 Seasons in France, and .5 seasons in most third-world countries. Altough Wilbur declines it, scholars believe that Yu-Gi-Oh Jee Ex and its story are based off of an actual manuscript of the French Revolution. This manuscript was read to prisoners before the invention of the guillotine. The first half season was known as "Season Zero" (except in ancient Rome as there is no Roman numeral for zero; instead it is known as Snakes on a Plane), and it served a a continuation to Yu-Gi-Oh. Yugi discovers that he is actually the host of the reincarnation of a pedophilic Egyptian pharaoh, and must confront the evil "Puff Daddy Zorc". Zorc reveals that he is the reincarnation of the evil Roger Slifer, the creator of the Shadow Realm, and Yugi's father. He plunges the world into darkness, and from this darkness emerges the first season of Jee Ex.
The first season differs from nation to nation. In Islamic theocracies, for example, Jee Ex teaches the "fun-damentals" of Islamic Fundamentalism. Unfortunately, "infidels" stand in the way, and will not be defeated unless they lose at Duel Monsters. Each country has its own variation of Jee Ex, but America, Japan, and France all share the same first season. This first season introduces characters, but contains no real plot whatsover, except for uncovering secret marijuana-coated cards under a school.
Season 2 is entirely designed to celebrate Duel Monster's french heritage. Napoleon Bonaparte is introduced as a character, although he is called "John" in the 4Kids version (along with Jimmy, Jack, Cracker-Jack, and Betty).
Season 3 is still running to this day, and miraculously exhibits Perpetual Motion (well, except for when The Colbert Report is on).
The series which followed Jee Ex, originally aired in Japan on April 2, AD 2101 (as a late April Fool's Day joke, TV Tokyo was suckered into thinking it was a real show and aired it as a result) A clever tie-in for Konami to sell both cards AND video games, and in order to help both Kawasaki and Harley Davidson. It involves CARD GAMES on MOTORCYCLES. Soon after the first episode, 350 Japanese children were rushed to the hospital after their heads exploded from the sheer awesomeness of this combination.
[edit] Characters
- Yugi Mutou (Yugi Muto) - A young boy always being bullied who snaps and develops a dark side - Dark Yugi or Yu-Gi-Oh (Yami Yugi) Yugi thinks that Jonouchi is his best friend not knowing that Jonouchi only is pretending to be his friend because Jonouchi wants to use Dark Yugi against his enemies.
- Dark Yugi a.k.a. Yu-Gi-Oh (Yami Yugi) - A lover of torture, Dark Yugi has read all of the CIA and KGB manuals and proceeds to make criminals and ne'er-do-wellers suffer. His ancient Egyptian powers can affect anyone who loses a game against him. He has blinded people, forced bowels to turn into liquid, and toppled multimillion CEOs by reducing them into homeless men eating garbage in San Francisco. His favorite fanfic is Agony in Pink because he likes seeing female Power Rangers cut to pieces. However as the series progresses Dark Yugi begins to grow a dopey grin as little Yugi's characteristics eat away at Dark Yugi's awesomeness. At the end Dark Yugi is better known as Top Crest Generic Action Hero #2329474, in stores now!
- Katsuya Jonouchi (Joey Wheeler) - His mommy originally named him Tomoya, but his dad punched her in the face and forced her to rename him Katsuya. When his dad threw a beer bottle into the TV and gave the mother lots of bruises, the mother called it quits and took Shizuka, Jonouchi's sister, from the family. For the next several years the dad beat Jonouchi, forced him to walk in the snow with no clothes on, and gave Jonouchi tequila shots in his orange juice; that pissed off Jonouchi so much. Jonouchi took out his anger by shoving Yugi down stairs, throwing pieces of Yugi's puzzle from a school window and into a pool, and sending photographs of Yugi's furry costumes over Usenet. In addition, Jonouchi became a cholo by joining Hirutani's group while in middle school. With Hirutani Jonouchi beat up geeks and nerds, engaged in shootouts with the police, had great sex with gangster girls at parties, took lots of heroin, and acquired many guns. His good-for-nothing father spent his money at casinos and skipped the next month's rent, forcing Jonouchi to use his drug money to pay his school and housing expenses. After watching some great porn movies Jonouchi skinned his good-for-nothing father to death and began to pretend to be friends with Yugi. He then pushed Hirutani out of a ledge and took control of Hirutani's gang and that really cool abandoned warehouse. See, Jonouchi holds marijuana and a concubine there and he hasn't told anyone else except Honda.
- Hiroto Honda (Tristan Taylor) - He can be described in one sentence: Whatever is good for Jonouchi is good for me, so I will always do what Jonouchi does and force Yugi to buy porno magazines. He once fell in love with a shy student librarian named Miho Nosaka. Upon confessing to his love to her she immediately reported a sexual assault attempt and the Tokyo court convicted Honda of sexual assault. Now Honda is a registered sex offender because of Miho. While in Japan, he can take a BB gun, fire it, and shoot Gary Coleman in the eye while Coleman is in Los Angeles. Because of this quality Honda maintains and stores all of Jonouchi's secret arms.
- Anzu Mazaki (Téa Gardner) - For a while she was the only person in the world who could honestly call herself Yugi's friend. Well, she still is the only real friend of Yugi, who does not realize that Jonouchi and Honda are only using him! She likes feeling Yugi's Care Bear briefs but she finds that Sugoroku Mutou is the one who actually has sexual intercourse with her. She doesn't like that, but that's too bad for her. The police never file any reports and instead join Sugoroku and the Lemonparty men in defiling her. She is involved with enjo kosai in order to get enough money to go to New York City and star in Debbie Does Dallas the play.
- Seto Kaiba - For some reason all of the kids in Domino think that he is the coolest guy ever. Kaiba masturbates to torturing old men by forcing them into scary simulations of monsters until they get heart attacks and strokes, whacking little high school boys in their faces with metal briefcases, forcing teenagers onto an electric chair roller coaster ride (when they scream, they get shocked), having teenagers crushed by a real life Tetris simulation, and nurturing The Chopman, the best serial killer of all. Even after Dark Yugi sends him to a reeducation camp, Kaiba now comes off as an arrogant, upset jerk instead of a sadistic maniac.
- Mokuba Kaiba - Kaiba's little brother Mokuba is an elementary school kid with a knife, an army of followers, and an abandoned warehouse (What is it with Yu-Gi-Oh! and abandoned warehouses, anyway?), Mokuba likes forcing kids to play Capsule Monsters until they lose. Then he calls The Chopman and other local child predators and arranges a kidnapping in exchange for money. He is responsible for Adam Walsh's disappearance. When police investigate the disappearances of kids Mokuba invites them to eat food prepared by the Kaiba family's butler. Of course this is a fancy version of Russian roulette, and Mokuba, who always cheats the games, always gets the police to eat poisoned food!
- Ryo Bakura (Bakura) - Most commonly seen as the gayest and weakest character in the anime and games, the rather polite boy has a facade that hides an entity even more sadistic than Dark Yugi. Bakura invites kids to play Monster World, a role playing game). When his dark side, Dark Bakura, took over, he traps the teenagers into lead figures and proceeds to have them become non-player characters that are shoved, abused, and robbed by the next set of players, who are doomed to become lead figures. As for what Bakura does to people he really hates, such as that chickenshit gym teacher named Karita, he has them raped over and over by Monster World RPG creatures. For the figures he hates but not that much, after Zorc rapes and tortures them they are slowly melted. For the ones Bakura really hates he keeps forever.
- Sugoroku Mutou (Solomon Muto) - Always tracking Anzu's breast size, he started forcing her into bed when she became a high schooler. An avid pervert and expert in Egypt, he is unable to hold the contents of his bladder and his rectum for very long. Before Yugi was born and when Sugoroku still had his wife to bed, he found a puzzle in ancient Egypt. After cutting his naive guides to bits and stealing the puzzle from a stall also selling koshari and Coca-Cola, he smuggled the puzzle in his baggage and decided that it would make a better present than, you know, forcing Yugi to be practical!
- Miho Nosaka (Melody) - In the manga Miho, the student librarian, calls the police on Honda when he confesses his love, forcing him to live as a sex offender for the rest of his life. However the first anime gave her a lobotomy and she is now the cheerleader at baseball games who always refers to herself in third person, says "like, totally!" every second sentence, and has sex with every single member of every athletic team in Domino High School. Anime!Miho's brain is half as large as the average human brain; this may explain why she likes Bakura.
- Johji (Cedric) - Honda's sister gave birth to a baby named Johji after drinking lots of beer and smoking lots of cigarettes. For some reason Johji is intelligent AND sexy! He found out about Anzu and is now with her, Sugoroku, and the Lemonparty guys every night! And he worships Kaiba, believing that Kaiba is Jesus. Johji's favorite activities include squeezing Anzu's breasts, burying his face into Anzu's breasts, and shitting on the lap of Kaiba's butler.
- Warashibe - In the first anime he is a crazy stalker dude who plans to rule Japan with an iron fist as a Capsule Monster king. As obsessed with Capsule Monsters as Mokuba, the university student also has an abandoned warehouse with a super-cool trap door and has a habit of saying English words used to get women such as "Baby," "My sweetheart," and "Honey." He eventually kidnaps Miho and makes her into his "Capmon Queen." By invigorating his Capsule Monsters with super special powers he overthrows Shinzo Abe, Yasuo Fukuda, and Junichiro Koizumi to become the Emperor of Japan. Warashibe and Miho die when he starts World War III and gets his abandoned warehouse blown to smithereens by an American missile.
- Haiyama - In the first anime Haiyama has the gift of manipulating a larger boy, Kujirada, into doing what he wants (destroying other people's Tamagotchi game monsters) because Haiyama is the master of human manipulation and because the other boy is on Ritalin. Once Kujirada is defeated Haiyama kidnaps Miho and crucifies her like Jesus in his abandoned warehouse (as I said before, what is it about Yu-Gi-Oh! and abandoned warehouses?). Yugi and Honda come to save her after Haiyama keeps whipping her unmentionables. Haiyama manages to knock out Yugi with a well-placed punch to the nose and beats Honda to a pulp. By the time Dark Yugi is able to use his special powers to make his evil digital pet eat Haiyama alive, Miho died from suffocation. It was a real damn shame as Honda and Miho just won a trip to see Australia.
- Saruwatari (Kemo) - The man, descended from a family of Goddamn Dirty Apes, works as a goon, though he can't decide if he works for Kaiba or Pegasus. Despite what his name would imply, his hair seems to be the source of his personality and tendency to assault people and get the attention of duelists. However, rumors suggest that he is actually the embodiment of Just for Men. He has only appeared in the second series anime, and is not to be confused with his strikingly similar (yet faithful to name due to lack of hair-based powers) twin brother from the first anime, Kemo Therapy.
[edit] Yu-gi-oh the abridged series
This is the show on which yu-gi-oh is based. ... ... ... Yes.
“Playing card games is a lot like making love, you usually do it on a table its painful, it never lasts long and afterwards you always feel deep shame”
~ That old man who lives in Yugi's basement and eats all his food on Card games
- 15 hours after he made that quote, when the cameras stopped rolling, Sugoroku decided to feel Anzu Mazaki's (Téa Gardner) 32-inch breasts and force her into bed with him. He then invited the Lemonparty men to "share and share alike." At the end of the day Anzu got herpes.
“Screw The Rules I Have Money”
~ Seto Kaiba on being asked if what he just did was against the rules
“Screw The Rules I Have Green Hair!”
~ Seto Kaiba
Kaiba can screw the rules because he has Green Hair!
“Screw The Money I Have Rules! Wait, let me try that again...”
~ Seto Kaiba
“It was a very depressing time as I had no money and so I couldn't screw the rules.”
~ Seto Kaiba on his childhood
“Can I screw Kaiba?! I got money!!”
“Screw everything! I have a Glow-in-the-Dark wrist watch!”
~ Seto Kaiba
“Screw the yules, I have money!”
~ Seto Kaiba on Christmas
“Oh my god, a giant rock!... I can't believe what I'm seeing. A giant rock! It's a rock, and it's giant!”
~ Seto Kaiba on a giant rock
“As you're well aware by now, my revolutionary new Battle City Tournament will be starting in a few episodes, so you don't have much time to get yourself a brand new DUEL DISK SYSTEM! ™”
~ Seto Kaiba
“The cake is a lie, bitch!”
~ Seto Kaiba on cake
“Screw my sister, I have money!”
~ Katsuya Jonouchi (Joey Wheeler) on his sister's eye operation
“Who hasn't had dream sex with Kaiba?”
~ Mai Kujaku (Mai Valentine)
“ This article is simply Faaabulous!”
~ Pegasus on this article
“ My voice gives me super strength! I am strong enough to burst through the wall of sense and become somehow relevant to this article! ”
~ Tristan Taylor on his voice
“ See? Bandit Keith's Middle Name IS Steve! ”
~ Wikipedia on Howard S. Keith
“ It's so good, we're going to delete it twice!”
~ Youtube on Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series
“ You don't stand a ghost of a chance! ”
~ Everyone on everything
“ I'm here to kick Kaiba's ass and play card games, and I'm all out of ass. ”
~ Yami on Kaiba's ass
“That bastard Kaiba Rickrolled me! I haven't been this mad since they made HeavyDDR a submod!”
~ Joey Wheeler after recieving a rickroll from Kaiba
An Example of a typical Card Game!
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