Yuffie Kisaragi
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“All your Materia are belong to me.”
~ Yuffie on stealing Materia
Yuffie Kisa....kisa....kee-sha-rha-gee (武器を持つ迷惑にかわいい女 in the original Engrish) is the name of a famous archeologist and former Synthpop star. Oh, there was some part about her being a ninja, but frankly, anyone who dresses like an otaku valley girl on LSD obviously failed ninja school. She is best known for being a successful irritant in the side of dashing young hero Cloud Strife during his military campaign to subdue the forces of Square during the Final Fantasy war of 2347. She is also known for carrying a "ninja star" large enough to have its own zip code.
[edit] Early years
Yuffie was born in the city of Wutai, Canada, the only child of a famed ninja-and-dry cleaning family. From her earliest days, young Yuffie longed to become a ninja, something her father, the famous Naruto, disallowed, for several reasons, amongst them:
- ninjas are known for wearing black and being sneaky, not dressing like schoolgirls in an Olivia Newton John music video.
- ninjas have cool names like Wind Walker, Katamari Damacy or Chuck Norris, whereas "Yuffie" sounds much like a children's yogurt snack... Or Furry sex.
- ninjas are known for skilful and discrete weapons, not giant bladed frisbees large enough to earn frequent flyer miles.
Despite this setback, Yuffie was described by her friends as "very spirited and mischievous", a polite way of saying she was an aggravating twat. Regardless, Yuffie won a spot on the nationally televised show Midgardian Idol, ultimately winning the contest due to her moving and emotional song "I'm Cute and Annoying (You'll Want to Euthanize Me)". Immidiately signed to a record company, she took the stage name of Wo-Man Wit' BiG-A$$ WeaPON, thus recording several pop hits under this moniker. However, it was during her tour of various CG locations that she ran across the situation that would change her life.
[edit] Not-as-early years
It was during her final concert performance that she ran into Cloud Strife and his merry band of rough-yet-scrappy individuals: Tifa Lockhart, Aeris Gainsborough, Rudolph Valentino, Mr. T, Garfield and Oscar Wilde. Cloud, recognizing that there was a need in his ragtag group for a small girl with a weapon that looked like an oversized reject from the movie Krull, instantly invited her to join his group. After small negotiations in which they promised to only laugh at her name and "ninja" skills once a week, she happily joined.
It was during this time in her life that she was involved in the greatest controversy ever: the killing of Aeris and the subsequent trial of Sephiroth. Sephiroth would eventually be found guilty after making the following damning statement:
“Gimme a break, dawg - I couldn't stand Yuffie's motormouth and when I tried to pop her, I missed and hit the babe. My bad, 'kay?”
~ Sephiroth on his killing of Aeris Gainsborough
Criminologists studying the case believe that as Aeris was one of Yuffie's rivals for Cloud's affections, and because she couldn't kick Tifa's ass, she went after the weaker one instead. Of course, these same criminologists believe that Yuffie's also been linked to various ninja related crimes and grand theft materia, so any belief that Yuffie approaches anything towards remote ninja competence and validity should be taken with a grain of salt.
Shortly after the war, Yuffie attempted a brief comeback tour, but failed when she realized audiences were concerned about a small singer carrying a bladed weapon large enough to partially eclipse the sun for weeks at a time. It was during that time that she linked up with intrepid fellow archeologist Harrison Ford to search for the legendary Da Vinci code and remote control. Presently the two have not been seen in public over the past few years, though occasionally NASA catches glimpses of her using satellite imagery of her throwing star (possibly the largest object on the planet, aside from the Great Wall of China).
As of now optional character Vincent Valentine has slapped yuffie with a restraining order due to her constant talking and nagging at him to go in to her "baby making room".
[edit] That Murder Trial Thing
During the Aeris Gainsborough Murder Trial, it came to light after Vincent Valentine's testimony full of okays and maybes that Yuffie was also in fact an optional character. In fact, she held absolutely no plot significance, unless you enjoy watching Don Corneo gets his kicks from tying girls such as Yuffie and Elena to big a$$ Buddhist monuments (Yep, it was even big enough for that ninja weapon). Upon this discovery, the judge ordered an immediate break, and this knowledge was publicized. Immediately, Yuffie's annoying rants and stupid comments were lost to mankind, as no one used her anymore. Her Ninja weapon's fate is undetermined at this time. It is also rumored that wherever Yuffie is, she can be heard to scream for Vincent Valentine to go in to her "baby making room".
