Yuma, Arizona
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] In The Beginning
A short, yet tasty historical hors d'ouvre
El Conquistador
In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. [bad cliche] Senor Colon, as shipmates awed by his stentorian flatulence nicknamed him, was approached by his senior advisor Hernan de Alarcon (which means "Hernan from Alarcon" in English) concerning a sincere wish of his to conquer, or at least walk all over and leave "I was here" markers in, the large continent to the east of of his tiny ship, The Pinta (which means "The Bean" in English). [terrible spanish] Senor Colon's only reply was to emit a very soggy, rum flavored belch and commence micturating over the rail, turning the ocean blue slightly greenish in that particular area.
Senor de Alarcon took that to mean "carry on, my wayward son," even though he wasn't absolutely sure, due to him speaking Spanish and Columbus being an Italian fellow and all.[ethnic diversity] To the West he gamboled, and many years, twenty-seven pairs of shoes, and three and a half horses later he lighted upon the convergence of the Colorado and Gila rivers that was later to be named Yuma, Arizona. There he planted a Spanish flag which Americans later returned to the Spanish-speaking peoples of Mexico, by flinging it javelin-like over the tall, rusty steel wall erected by later generations as a gesture of harmony and good will between the two countries. [complete fabrication]
The confluence of the two rivers created a fertile flood plain, which the indigenous peoples of the area (who were hunter/fisher/gatherers by trade) used quite frequently as a public toilet/landfill. The effluence created by this practice prompted the natives to refer to the area as Yumanumapopascatolotipatl whhich meant "The stinky place in the crevice between the legs of the two great and mighty flowing rivers," which was shortened in later years (by settlers who couldn't pronounce it) to simply Yuma, which meant "poo."
The Wild West
In the 1800's, rough and tough western types began to flock to the area in droves, most driven by the misinformation that it was located in California, and therefore "cool." [probable] The sheer numbers of these naughty, naughty people prompted the governor of the then-Territory of Arizona to build a mighty prison, the likes of which were never seen before, except perhaps in pre-revolution France.
The Yuma Territorial Prison still stands, and just as it was in the 1800's, the building is still referred to in civic tourist literature as the "Nicest Place in Town." Frommer's rates the edifice as "Not Quite as Squalid as the El Paso Bus Station," [absolute tosh] which is universally regarded as high marks indeed.
The Mighty River
Before the environmentally-friendly construction of hydroelectric dams on the Colorado, the river was nearly two miles wide in the Yuma area. Local riverboat captains took full advantage of this fact by shuttling Yuma area residents back and forth between the lovely downtown family vacation getaway of Las Vegas, Nevada [balderdash] and their jobs working as prostitutes or miners (depending on gender) in Yuma proper.
[edit] City Government
a cool and delightful salad of political infrastructure
Yuma City Government today can be summed up in one word: "Audio-Animatronics." In late 1989, City fathers solicited the the help of then-living American Genius, Hero and Folk-Singing Mercenary Walt Disney in the creation of a "new kind of government." Mr. Disney dispatched his "B" team of Imagineers with the promise that they would be allowed to create the "It's a Small World" ride when they returned from Yuma. The results are indisputable. Mayor B. Nelson McManus has performed flawlessly for the past eighteen years, with the exception of whispering "Fahrvernugen" into then-president George W. Bush's (himself a Disney creation) left ear, causing him to go into an uncontrollable spasm of giggling. [probably true, but silly] The mechanical reign of Nelson and his faceless staff has resulted in no noticeable change on any level whatsoever, earning Yuma the vaunted "Status Quo" award from the pundits at "American Political Machine" magazine for seventeen years running. [not.]
[edit] Yuma Today
A nutritious yet satisfying main course of current information and statistics
The Third Largest City In The State Of Arizona
Out of the three cities in the State of Arizona, only Yuma has has the distinction of being "The Third Largest City in the State of Arizona." [big pile of poop] The population of Yuma fluctuates depending on the season, prompting the famous city sign, Welcome to Yuma, Arizona, population: Who The Hell Knows.
Population Fluctuation
In the winter months, the population of Yuma blooms due to an immense influx of elderly drivers from the Northern United States and Canada. These persons are genially referred to by the year-round residents of Yuma as "Snowbirds" due to their proclivity to leave just when the weather is becoming tolerable.[not soon enough] Some also refer to them as "F***ing Snowbirds," a moniker no doubt referring to the success of widespread Viagra use among members of this demographic. Most Snowbirds, due to their remarkable driving skills, are employed as taxi-drivers, pizza delivery personnel, and policemen. Some also gain employment as Professional Shoppers, to the great delight of the general populace.
Where It Is (Approximately)
Yuma covers an area which has been referred to as the "Taint" of Arizona, as it "taint" Phoenix and it "taint" Tucson. This is quite an honor, as Arizona has been referred to as the "Taint" state, seeing as how it "taint" neither California nor New Mexico.
Yuma is located on the border of a quaint and picturesque land called Mexico. Approximately 99.9999999% of the inhabitants of Yuma hail from this lovely place, and are more than happy to help "Gueros" (which means "esteemed wealthy tourist visitor to my beloved native land which I will never leave, but if I am, like, forced to by situations outside my control, I might go back to and bring a lot of money with me. Maybe." in Spanish)[acceptable translation] find their bearings in this beautiful, lovely, well maintained haven for the poor and downtrodden. They will also tell them where to find the "mas deliciosas comidas" (tacos).
Defining Characteristics
What makes Yuma, Yuma? Here are the city's most famous landmarks, followed by brief descriptions. In no particular order:
The Yuma Territorial Prison
As we have already covered the prison under "In The Beginning," there is not much more to add. However, it may pique the reader's curiousity to know that it was constructed out of various forms of dirt, of which Yuma has a virtually unlimited supply.
The Ocean to Ocean Bridge
Ever wondered where to find an ocean in the desert? Well, wonder no more. In Yuma, Arizona, situated on the cusp of the Mojave and Sonoran deserts, there are two of them. One is located on the west end of fantastic Historical Downtown Yuma, at the east end of the Ocean to Ocean Bridge, a one-lane, two-way bridge[too true to be funny] crossing the Colorado River. The other ocean is located at the southeast corner of the Quechan Indian Reservation, on the west end of said bridge. Tell the kids about this magical place.
Castle Dome
Castle Dome is a large rock formation located approximately 18 miles north of Yuma. It is the shape and color of a very large, brown, wrinkled human nipple. Castle Dome can be seen from almost any point in Yuma, and is the source of many inadvertent adolescent erections.
Pilot's Knob
Even though it is officially in California, Pilot's Knob is also visible from Yuma. It resembles neither a Pilot nor a Knob, and thus confuses many visitors to the region. The explanation, however, is simple. A pilot, flying from San Antonio to San Diego, crash-landed his aircraft atop the mountain, and while awaiting rescue, permitted himself to be, ahem, "entertained" by a female passenger. The rescuers happened upon the happy couple while in flagrante delicto and the legend was born. Most Yuma residents hear this story in Sunday school.
Jimmy D's Bar
A famous local watering hole, originally owned by a local personage named Jimmy, whose last name had only one letter in it. Made all the more famous as the arena where the famous "Pee-Pee" dance was first performed. The legend of the "Pee-Pee" dance started one warm March night, when local personality Del "Shinbone" Magee was, in his own words, "gettin' his drunk on." At 11:30 p.m., according to witnesses, the song "It Ain't Unusual" by Tom Jones was played on the jukebox, and Shinbone's closest friends were overcome by a sense of dread. "I knew he was gon' do it," said Mickey "One-Ball" Derwentz. At that time, Shinbone leapt upon the bar and began gyrating his hips lasciviously. His movements became more and more frantic, and suddenly, to the surprise of all, his pants dropped to his ankles. Nonplussed, he continued his routine. The bartender was so impressed she called the police station to invite them to enjoy the show. When they arrived an hour later, Shinbone was gone, and was never seen again. In honor of this event, Pee-Pee day is celebrated in downtown Yuma every March 13th, and is a gala fete attended by satanists, methamphetamine users, and other members of the Yuma elite. This story is also re-told at Sunday school and various important civic functions to this day.
The Colorado River
The Colorado River used to rival the "Mighty Mississippi" in width and volume. However, that was a long time ago. These days, the river is of sufficient width and volume as to be diverted by a strong, properly aimed stream of urine. This actually happened in May of 1999, and resulted in severe cartographical changes, as the Colorado represents the International Boundary between the U.S. and Mexico for approximately twenty miles of its length near Yuma. Yumans, as the local denizens refer to themselves, are a plucky folk though. The lack of depth does not dissuade them from engaging in a pursuit which they refer to euphemistically as "Boating," but which can be better described as "Open-Air Drinking Activities Involving Public Nudity And Loud Profane Monologes In The Presence Of A Body Of Water." This euphemisim has given rise to regional public service campaigns espousing slogans like "Think Before You Boat!" "You Boat, You Go To Dry-dock!" and "Be The Designated Skipper!"
Marine Corps Air Station Yuma
Situated smack-dab in the center of Yuma, the "Base," as it is referred to by the locals, is responsible for the ever-deepening gene pool in Yuma. Many a young child, querying his young single mother as to his paternity, has been told "Daddy's in Iraq." Most Yuma children originally take this to mean that they are of Iraqi descent, and later realize that daddy was actually a strapping young patriot who flew away to serve his country in the middle east, and that they are in fact Mexican-Irish. These young folks have come to be known as the "Begorra-le" generation.
Young Marine and progeny
Generations Church
This congregation advertises itself as "The Un-Cult." Situated in a former vegetable packing shed across the street from the Marine Base, this family-friendly edifice has chosen the "Church Can Be Sexy, Too!" approach to winning souls for the Lord. Exuding "cool," the BMW-driving Leader of this Organization, Pastor Richard Mussolini, espouses acquiring tattoos, body piercings, and wearing tight, revealing clothing for the "Greater Good of God." Featuring a rock combo that entertains the congregation, (or "audience," as members like to refer to themselves) the wailing guitars and crashing drums create a very solemn and holy atmosphere indeed. Drawn by this sanctified "vibe" many young Marines are "Lured to Jesus" by the prospect of getting chicks. And many of them do, further propagating members of the "Begorra-le" generation, as covered under Marine Corps Air Station Yuma. Generations is also notable for being personally endorsed by Satan. This endorsement was emblazoned on advertising billboards about town, and is credited with supplying over 75% of the church's congregation (or "audience").
The Mormon Battalion Monument
This impressive bronze sculpture, located in Yuma's classy Upper West Side, was erected in honor of those who perished during the Great Mormon-Catholic War. The statue depicts a moment during the Battle of Yuma when the brave Latter-day Saints had no idea where the hell they were. Sculptor Jarom Jedediah Obadiah Smith captured in breathtaking detail the complete and utter befuddlement of the soldier, as he stares bleary-eyed at a small model of a busty teutonic goddess, obviously believing it to be a compass.
Also credited with further deepening Yuma's formerly shallow gene pool, this four-lane freeway brings a veritable smorgasbord of willing penises, generally attached to interstate truckers or persons of similar quality. Yuma boasts more roadside hotels (or "bordellos") than any other similar-sized city in the United States.
This freeway is also notable for having the Federal Government's version of "Wal-Mart Greeters," in the form of the U.S. Border Patrol. These gentle green-clad protectors of our commonwealth, smiling and waving as commuters zip through their nominal "checkpoints," warm the hearts and cheer the souls of all with whom they come in contact.
[edit] Places to Fill Your Belly
a biscuit, smothered in a savory gravy of Knowledge
McDonald's on 4th Avenue
McDonald's on 16th Street
McDonald's inside the Wal-Mart on Pacific
McDonald's inside the Wal-Mart on Avenue B
McDonald's inside the Wal-Mart on 8 1/2E
Jack in the Box on 4th Avenue and 1st Street
Jack in the Box on 4th Avenue and 26th Street
Jack in the Box on 16th Street
Jack in the Box on 32nd Street
Jack in the Box on 32nd Street and 8 1/2E
Jack in the Box on Fortuna Avenue
Jack in the Box on Avenue 29E
Special Meats Foh Yu Chinese Food
Nos Escupimos en Sus Alimentos Mexican Fine Dining
[edit] Famous Former (and current) Residents
a delectable sorbet, to clear the reader's palate
Peter D'Aragon
[edit] Resources
a sweet, yet fiery aperitif, as dessert is now passe
Cult 45, or how the Wild West was Framed by Antoine LeGarde
Fo' Shizzle by Theodore Humperdipple
Uncle John's Book of Bathroom Humor by Uncle John
The Bible by God
The Book of Mormon by God and Joseph Smith
The Book of the Law by Aleister Crowley
The Adventures of Lord Iffy Boatrace by Bruce Dickinson
The Missionary Position by Bruce Dickinson
My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist: a novel by Mark Leyner
Ape and Essence by Aldous Huxley
--Sir Hayden Gousique 15:09, 12 September 2007 (UTC)
