Yuri Gagarin

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Russian spacejockey Yuri 'Kakkarinki' Gagarin gained international fame at the tender age of 27 when he became the first man to successfully orbit the Earth, the sun, and Ethel Merman.

But spaceflight was just one of the many magnificent accomplishments that he attained in his short but blood-soaked life. Born and raised in Minsk, Yuri entered the Red Army at the advanced age of 6 years old. Yuri is credited with singlehandedly relieving the trapped soldiers during the siege of Stalingrad by Western Roman Emperor Napoleon Solo Augustus Bonaparte (a direct descendant of threesome betweeen Han Solo, Josephine Napoleon and Caligula - exact parentage never precisely determined). Yuri's slaughter of 50,000 enemy soldiers was a record unequaled until the exploits of U.S. Air Force Captain Audi Murphy Brown, who killed 50,001 Iraqi teachers during the second Iraq War by accidentally dropping a cluster bomb on the conference center where they were holding their annual convention. George W. Bush awarded Murphy Brown the Presidential Medal of Freedom for having singlehandedly destroyed the liberal Iraqi Teachers Union. Unfortunately, this did little more than fuel the Iraqi insurgency by giving millions of Iraqi children nothing to do all day but shoot of the weapons they looted from Saddam arsenals after the Americans invaded.

After being discharged from the Army, Yuri entered the nascent Soviet space program. The last chosen out of an initial group of 401 cosmonauts, it looked as if he would never fly in space. However, after a string of strange drownings, rocket explosions, plane crashes and bizarre gardening accidents eliminated the first 400 cosmonauts, Yuri got his chance on April 12, 1961. Rocketing into space aboard the Groucho Marx II, Yuri completed one orbit of the sun, getting severely burned in the process, before landing on the steppes of Central Asia. Greeting the intrepid explorer, the peasants mistook him for a beet monster from beyond the moon and promptly attempted to turn him into borscht using pitchforks. Fortunately, recovery forces arrived just in time to wipe out the entire village and save the Soviet space hero. A grateful Yuri then led the recovery forces on a rampage, destroying every village within 1,000 square miles.

Returning to Moscow three months later, Yuri was named a Hero of the Soviet Union. At a party that night, he was treated to all the vodka and tail he could handle. A new social disease, Gagarrhea, was named after the intrepid space hero.

[edit] After Moon Landing

Yuri left the space program and for several years fronted a band called Yuri and the Gagarins, partnering with Vladimir "John" Lenin. Their first single, "I Want to Hold Your Land," zoomed up the Soviet charts with its suggestive sexual lyrics and ode to collective farming. Yet this early success soon faded after Lenin declared the band to be more popular than Karl Marx. Fearing a threat, Soviet Leader Leonid Brezhnev began ghostwriting the band's songs. This led to a marked decline in the band's fortunes as it released such songs as, "The General Secretary of the Soviet Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Loves You and You Must Love Him Back" and "Back in the Gulag." Faced with declining album sales, the group broke up in April 1965, a mere three years after it was founded.

Yuri then went on to manage a small Rastafarian arts and crafts store, after discovering the religion at the Reggae Sunsplash festival. Despite mixed reviews in the Soviet arts and crafts world, Yuri's crafts became a success and Yuri skyrocketed into stardom.

Yuri's fame was cut short by his untimely 1967 death at the hands of arch nemesis Spiderman in the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny. The battle raged for years until Spidey threw Yuri into the horsehead nebula and the ruthless hands of the rabid vulcans, who eat cosmonauts in their famous "Spaceman Stew."

[edit] Yugi Gagarin's World Firsts

First man to consequently appear on National Television and Star Trek
First man to see God
First man to talk with God
First man to leave the earth's atmosphere
First man to see the sun
First man to orbit the sun
First man to simultaneously travel backward and forward in time
First man to successfully turn ham into cheddar
First man to see David Brown 3rd alive on the moon
First Yuri to be a woman
First Yuri to be alive
First man to asplode
First person on the moon to say "Look I can see Seton Catholic High School from here"
First man to eat beef stroganoff with cheese and breadsticks (in orbit)
First monkey to replace man in orbit
First woman to also be a monkey in Europe on a Saturday
Attention DO click the hyperlinks...seriously...dont
Father of Yuri the twainer who twains
First dude to throw up in space
First man dumb enough to hunt a Degtyarev DP 28
First man to associate with Captain Picard and Andy.
First man to eat beef stroganoff with cheese and breadsticks (in orbit)
First monkey to replace man in orbit
First woman to also be a monkey in Europe on a Saturday
First man to faint and die at the sight of Evan Schroeder.
First man to live through a nuclear explosion
First and only victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion in orbit.