Zach de la Rocha
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Zach de la Rapist (also known as Z-to-tha-D) is an un-American rapper, poet, and guy with a long ass name.
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[edit] Early life
de la Rocha was born the spawn of Satan. His father was a talented caricature artist. When de la Rocha was seven, he drove his father insane, which caused him to ingest all of his caricatures. After he got bored with his father, he went to torture his mother. He quickly convinced his mother to go to night school at an old, abandoned, haunted deli. It is one of the few ramaining haunted structures in the world.
[edit] Musical career
[edit] Zach's plan
Being the spawn of Satan, de la Rocha had an interest in Rock and Roll from an early age. He wanted to confirm it's reputaion as the "Music of the Devil." When he was ten, he started making contacts in the music industry. By the time he was twelve, he was partying with some of the world's biggest rock stars. At this time, he started convincing them to put reverse messages into their music.
Although his plan proved fruitful in a few cases, most artists weren't willing to dedicate their lives to the Devil. With his expirience with the music industry, he felt confident in his ability to produce albums. Soon, he started producing albums for the people he had partied with, and just put reverse messages in their music without their consent.
A few years after he bacame a world renowned producer, teenagers started committing suicide, murders, and bestiality in great numbers. Several savvy money grubbers found the messages on the albums de la Rocha had produced, and decided to sue the bands. After many devastating law suits, the bands found the link that would explain how these messages had gotten into their music.
Once de la Rocha was found out, he was blacklisted by all major record labels. Soon, a civil action was raised against him, alledging that he was responsible for the many deaths and trips to the vet. de la Rocha was convicted, and sentenced to ten years in prison.
[edit] After prison
Victim to all of the vices described by the Seven Deadly Sins, de la Rocha felt his wrath must be laid upon the country that incarcerated him for so long. However, valuing the little strength his anus muscles had left, he felt it would be best to do it as discretely as possible. de la Rocha started out rapping at open mic nights in small LA clubs. He soon gained a following of people ignorant enough to believe the cow bile he spewed from his maw.
A band in need of a vocalist saw one of Zach's performances one night, and were so entranced by his flow and the beats he put his words to that they completely missed his hippie lyrics. They asked him if he wanted to join their band, and he said he would think about it. A few weeks later he asked to meet with this little band. They had no idea what was in store for them...
de la Rocha used the charm bestowed upon him by Lucifer to brain wash the band into hating America. They started writing music together, and thus Rage Against Ruptured Spleens was formed.
[edit] Rage Against the Machine
At this time, the followings of de la Rocha and the fans of the band he had made into his mindless drones converged. With all the support they were receiving form the people, venues started requesting that they play. Once they started to play more shows, their fanbase exploded. They soon had major record labels chomping at the bit to sign them.
Soon after they signed to Sony Records, the execs decided that their name would not appeal to the masses. Although they hated agreeing with a large corporation, they knew that it was true. This was unacceptable to de la Rocha, as he was so close to spreading his hatred of America to the masses.
Inspired by the films of a certain future governor of California, Tim Commerford (the bassist) came up with the name "Rage Against the Machine."
The masses loved the new band, and every one of it's shows sold out. Unfortinately, given that the band lasted a whole of 17 hours, this amounted to three-fourths of a show.
During De la Rochas farewell speech at the bands last (and first) show, he claimed that he was leaving because of personal health reasons (A startling vocal cord injury that involved a watermelon, reportedly the same used in time 4 luv) and that "Brad's mean." This prompted Brad to throw a drumstick at De La Rocha's head, penetrating his skull, and sending a decent chunk of his brain splattering into the audience, who applauded.
The band reunited the next week.
[edit] Smell
Often times, there are reports of a horrid smell in the presence of Zach de la Rocha. It is sometimes described as the innards of a rotting cow mixed with garbage, old, moldy hot dogs, and road tar. However, it is believed that the smell may not actually be de la Rocha's, but has only rubbed off on him. This can be assumed, because, when asked on several occasions by interviewers if he "can smell that," he invariably replied "Oh, that. I just had sex with Michael Moore."
[edit] Personal life
As Zach hates America, he is often seen playing polo with such anti-American greats as Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Dick Cheney, Hilary clinton, the editing staff of Rolling Stone, and the insidious empire of Microsoft.
