Zodiac
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The thirteen-ish constellations on the plane of the ecliptic are collectively known as the zodiac, and have vitally important significance to astrologers and other wankers. The Zodiac is named after General Zod, who used his Kryptonian powers to move the stars into their present positions.
A Zodiac is also a powerful drug that can have lethal consequences when taken anally.
[edit] The Thirteen Signs of the Zodiac
[edit] Pisces O' Fish
Mar 12 - Apr 18
Formerly Pisces the Fish until acquired by Birdseye. Pisces usually end up like bad guys from the Doctor Who show. They are composed almost entirely of cellophane, plywood and green paint. Ideal careers include Leading World Conquest, Leading World Domination and Attempting Global Takeover-tude. Their lucky number is 5i + 41^(3/7). If there are fish in the sea u can see me!
[edit] Aries the Ram
Apr 19 - May 13
Those fortunate enough to be born under this sign are known for their reputation as tough, honourable, chivalrous maddogs with natural talent at all things sexual and consequently are extremely popular with the opposite sex. They typically bang Aquarian and Aries and any other star sign that wants some. Ideal careers include professional outlaws and/or vigilante cops.
[edit] Barry the Clam
May 14 - Jun 19
Barris are fantastic in bed, but are not much to look at. Still, you don't look at the mantle when you're stoking the fire, know what I mean? They typically marry each other, the lucky SOBs. Ideal careers include Celeriac Rancher and Osprey Impersonator. Their lucky number is 8. People born under this sign have a tendency to make jokes about how "They're great once they open up." A fact which explains the contempt shown to them by people of all other signs.
[edit] Jimmy the Ham
Jun 20 - Jul 20
Jimmies are known for their speed, strength, the ability to fly and to mentally control sea-creatures. Their ideal mate is a Barry but since Barris marry themselves, Jimmies usually end up settling for a Gemini. Ideal careers include King of Atlantis or Insurance Adjuster.
[edit] Cancer the Crab
Jul 21 - Aug 9
Anyone who was expecting a gag about cancer and/or crabs, get out now. It's just not funny. Cancers are kind, generous and ruthless to those who make cancer/crabs jokes at their expense. And who can blame them. Ideal spouse is Jude Law and/or Halle Berry. Ideal career would be Salmon Gutter.
Those who take offense to cancer jokes are often told to 'get a sense of tumor.'
[edit] Leek the Strange Vegetable
Aug 10 - Sep 15
Wise and wonderful and full of surprises, Leeks have excellent taste in flavor and are made of chocolate. Their lucky number is 46. They usually end up living at home for extended periods of time and this results in abandonment of friends. Ideal careers include Soup Maker, Couch Potato, Dog Walker, the ever popular Internet Hacker, or twirling a leek to Levan Polka.
[edit] Virgo the Virgin
Sep 16 - Oct 30
Virgos have a special way about them. They tend to have large families and end up with many STDs. They are the promiscuous type. They usually drop out of high school. Regardless Virgos are sweet and kind and are a very gentle people. An ideal spouse for a Virgo is IKEA manager Kevin. Ideal career is deputy IKEA manager so you can be close with Kevin.
[edit] Libra the Libertarian
Oct 31 - Nov 22
Libras are deathly dull creatures who perform a useful social function by droning on and on about how bad taxes are, until you actually start to enjoy paying them. Ideal spouse is a tone deaf and prefferably illiterate person of their later years. Ideal career is blogging, nagging, whining and the occasional ranting . Lucky number is 4 since is even and can be equally distributed. See also Ayn Rand.
[edit] Tony the Bull
Nov 23 - Nov 29
A member of the Giacana crime syndicate, Tony was brutally gunned down outside the "Lucky 8" nightclub Chicago, 1967. His killers have never been brought to trial. Since then a Zodiac sign was erected in name of him. Tonys are tough and brave and will seek justice. Their ideal spouse is someone who keeps their mouth shut. Their ideal career is working for the family business or transporting Romanian poontang.
[edit] Ophiuchus the Snake Fucker
Nov 30 - Dec 17
You have a special gift in medical science. The downside is that you will sell yourself to get snakes fucking you in the ass raw. Your ideal spouse and ideal career are self-explanatory.
[edit] Sanitarium the Breakfast Cereal with 10% more fiber and no added sugar
Dec 18 - Jan 18
Formerly Sagittarius, this sign was one of the first to accept corporate sponsorship. Sanitarians get plenty of fiber, have excellent digestion and taste just delightful with yogurt. Ideal spouse is a Virgo. No reason, okay? It just is. Ideal jobs include wheat farmer, raisin rancher, shelf-stacker and box-maker. Lucky number is -8.
[edit] Capricorn the Goat
Jan 19 - Feb 15
Spineless, retarded and trying to come off as witty; Capricorns are the tools of the world and are laughed at by one and all. Dumb, potty mouthed and poorly endowed; all want to smash their irritating faces to shut them up. Ideal mate is a cheap prostitute and ideal careers include President Of The United States,Gimp, janitor, artist (aka. lazy ass with no life), geek, Taco Bell Mascot, and wannabe cunt magnet. Though, the Cap has a rep. of being a total SMARTASS (even though they are not smart at all). They are so damn crappy, that the rate of Caps becoming emo is a shocking 68.21%. Riveting isn't it? Caps are selfish, greedy, and apparently smell like fruit-loops, don't ask why, k?
[edit] Aquarius the Water Bottle
Feb 16 - Mar 11
Aquarius' represent the less boring version of the Capricorns. They are unfit for longstanding careers, marriages and any commitment to anyone or anything. The ideal job for an Aquarius is artist (aka slacker). As the name suggests, aquarians like all liquids, especially those relating to semen. Aquarians are commonly bisexual so they can bang two treats at once. Saucaay!
[edit] See Also
Categories: Magick | Wankers | Ramble | Astrology
