Zombies
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“ZOMBIE AT THE DOOR!”
~ Oscar Wilde on I'm Oscar Wilde bitch
“The 'CADE is a lie”
~ GLaDOS on Counterstrike Source
“The bitch isn't standing now”
~ Rain after killing her first zombie
“Is it dead? I shot it twice... It has to be dead. Not even a zombie could survive-HURGH!”
~ Zombie outbreak survivor on the importance of looking behind you
“THE FUCKING BASTARD STOLE MY COOKIES!!!!!”
“If a man walks up to you, limbs falling off, saliva dribbling down his chin, and various open wounds gaping up at you, and he tries to rip your head off, then he is obviously NOT a zombie!”
~ Captain-Obvious-ly not-being-himself
“Look, kids, you're one and two years old. I can't go around fighting all your battles for you. I want you to walk up to that ugly, decomposing man who moans a lot and say "Don't eat me!"”
~ Mother of two toddlers on standing up to pedophile Zombies
“Does this mean those fucking 80's pop stars are back?”
~ 80's music hater
“Don't call them that! It's ridiculous!”
~ Shaun on The Dead
“Where's the freakin' blood in those guys?”
~ Vampires on Zombies
“These bastards just never stay in their graves, as if their being picky or something. King Tut had a tomb of gold, didn' he? And now look where he is. Shitting around in my backyard, trying to eat grandma's brain. I mean, fuck!!”
~ professional enbalmer
Zombies are a subspecies of humans which are the byproduct of any physical, metaphysical, or metalengual process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the flesh and brains of the living. Zombies are one of the seven most powerful peoples on earth, along with Gunslingers, Ninjas, Pirates, Robots, Vikings and Canadians. Their main food is the south American squirrel horse ( though zombies have been around for so long , sadly, they have become extinct)so they have adapted to eat humans and 42 day old german puppies. They are really freaky fucking bastards, as if they were related to Michael Jackson or someone like that. Avoid at all costs! they can only be killed by removing the head, or destroying the brain. Got that, bitch? Hell knows your gonna need it..... Although technically undead, zombies can still function relatively well in society by taking on odd jobs and becoming ditch-diggers, fancy rave club DJs, television game show hosts, Secretary of Homeland Security, politicians,babysitters, or workers in almost any service industry. It is suspected that the leaders of the United Kingdom and the United States are both mere zombies, controlled by some more powerful source..[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Zombies are driven by an unnatural, evil hunger to consume the living that originates, presumably, from some source of boundless evil such as Hell, Satan, or Oprah. They walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this is a result the into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy. As Heaven also began refusing souls (see: The Too-Many-People-Are-Dying-With-Dark-Colored-Skin-Thanks-To-Natural-Disasters Act of 1974), this forced the undead to wander forever in torment in the streets and alleys of ordinary society and vacation in New Jersey. A recent Pete Rose autograph session near the Video Arcade on the south Strip lends credibility to increasing reports of zombie sightings in Las Vegas. Initially, the reaction of most people was to shoot and/or burn zombies on sight, but eventually a tense truce was reached between the two groups and zombies are now allowed to live a relatively normal existence. While the death toll of zombies has been increasing in recent years, most consider it to be balanced out since those who are killed by zombies usually become zombies themselves, thus adding to the zombie workforce. Since zombies only require human brains to exist, food supplies and other resources are greatly preserved, and human brains are relatively easy to acquire by simply harvesting the young children of Third World countries, or other undesirables such as intellectuals, teachers, Democrats, motor vehicle division clerks, and lawyers. Their least favorite treat though would happen to be the Republicans, whom they sympathize with as their fellow comrades. After all, neither of them tend to use their own brain very much.
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[edit] Origins
The origin of zombies is disputed. Some speculate that Zombies were stumbled upon by a group of scientists experimenting on rage infected monkies. They then discovered that zombies are simply brain dead people that were drugged up by witch doctors that were trying to take them out of a coma. Others claim that they were created by the U.S. government for a weapon against its enemies. (A big surprise for the Russians.) Also, there is a rumor going around that a team of archaeologists discovered a 24th chromosome in an ancient corpse found in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. They tested a serum made with the 24th chromosome on serial killers, disgruntled post office employees and various bums, thus creating the Z.O.M.B.I.E. (zoetic-odible-maliferous-bathmistic-ignotistic-exanimates,Look these up they all mean something). Still others, mostly among Demons and atheists, use the bible to not only strike a blow at the Pope, but also at zombies in general. Captain Obvious, at the institute of Obvious-facts-that-fucktards-like-you-have-forgotten, says: "When jesus was killed, God had two choices; either he could resurrect his son using divine powers, or he could use some imagination, dinosaur plasters, a box of gummy worms, and a leftover box of innards he received as a sacrifice at last christmas. *Bam* he said, *I give you the zombie jesus!*". As a matter of fact, the Gospels clearly tell us how Jesus was able to feed over 5 thousand zombies using only 5 brains. Of course, in the new Bible, the words for "zombies" and "people" have been switched over, as with "brains" and "bread". this has been done so that christians will not think of themselves as followers of zombies. Though none of these theories are confirmed, what we do know is this...its not the end of the world.
[edit] The difference between zombies
There are 3 subspecies of zombies to be found: the feral zombie, the tamed zombie and your mother.
The tamed zombie is usually created in a controlled environment, where an undesirable person such as a toddler, nag or pesky neighbor is placed in a tank with a zombie that is near re-death. The zombie leaps upon the person, cracks open their skull using a butter-knife, and devours their brain. Simple as that. The zombie is created. The reanimated corpse the goes through an intensive régime of S&M too show it who the boss is.
Feral zombies are created in much the same way, except there is no tank and no butter-knife, and no S&M. Seeing as they have no butter knife, theyy are left with two options: either cracking the skull with their fingernails, or with their teeth. There is of course the old method of using a nut-cracker, but many zombies believe it to be too old-fashioned.
Your mother is, of course, the gal I made out with last night, at least until I realized she was actually a MAN! Which obviously was after I found out she was a zombie!
[edit] Zombie Rights
Recently, the civil rights of zombies have become a flashpoint issue in many communities. Perhaps the most vocal and noteworthy leader of the pro-zombie civil rights movement is George Romero, who, although not a zombie himself, is rumored to be undead nevertheless. His lawyer stringently denied these rumors, and Mr. Romero himself added 'I vant to suck your blood!' Mr. Romero feels that zombies are marginalized by normal society and that eating human brains should maybe not be limited to just zombies. As of 2005, Romero hopes to open a zombie museum displaying works of zombie art, zombie music, and the unveiling of the first, fresh human brain vending machine. Romero shows support for Zombie Roe v. Wade
Interestingly, and ironically, one of the few ways to kill a zombie is to bite its head off. It is also a little known fact that zombies absolutely love cheese, but due to the Propaganda Ministry of Hollywood, zombies are rarely depicted enjoying cheese or cheese-based foods.
[edit] Zombie Love
Zombies have actually proven to have strong social-affective aptitudes, as many zombie owners found them to be affectionate, attaching pets who enjoy giving love without expecting much in return, aside from the gray matter of the owner/victim.
Zombies often get to develop love relationships involving complicated sexual intercourses, Dark mating rituals and relatively primitive flirting conducts aimed at finding a proper match. Through their relationships they get to be driven by their appetite for another person, their cerebral activity being radically reduced by it, so as their self-esteem... that is not unlike the desire felt by their human counterparts. In such situation, a zombie will see his deep appetite for brains being transposed into an insatiable need for "looooove". In this perspective, zombie love is usually referred as being the exact same thing than love affairs between humans, to the extend that human love affairs can also be hardly distinguishable from zombie love affairs.
...the whole point of this section is that love can make a zombie out of you. Period.
[edit] Criticism
Zombies are often criticized often for contradictory reasons. 133tgamer477, for example, said "Zombies are stupid! All they do is walk around slowly! How scary is that? Oooh, I'm going to walk slowly towards you." 133tgamer477 expresses a common complaint against zombies, and that is, they are out of shape. Attorney David Hollow (defender of zombies everywhere) issued the following statement in response. "Zombies are just like people, disabled people. Sure, they may not seem like the nicest people around, but honestly who is after they've waken up from the best sleep they'll ever get. They may walk slowly, but that's simply because they have to walk EVERYWHERE. Zombies can't drive cars, so they conserve their energy. If one of us would simply give a zombie a ride sometime, maybe some coffee or caffeine, we might be able to get to know our un-dead brethren that much better."
[edit] Troubleshooting zombies
This section is not dedicated to resolving issues of people having trouble shooting zombies, but rather addressed to PZU (Personal Zombie Unit) owners for solving issues of malfunction of their zombie specimens. Please note that zombie specimens B and C, produced in between the years of 1978 and 1991 are no longer covered by our long term customer support. If you may acknowledge problems related to zombies dancing to gay dance music, straightening their clean-cut hairs with gastric juice/pus-based gel, wearing radioactivity-induced fluorescent clothes, mumbling about Communists taking over America or performing acts of cocooning, just shoot the damn things in the head before they breed and outnumber zombie demographics! It is a matter of zombie gene superiority.
Our Limited Deadtime Warranty on your PZU does not cover zombie malfunction due to eating brains of other zombies, zombies eating their own body parts, and zombies being born through natural reproduction between male and female zombie. Moreover, it is not covering any damages related to unsolicited loss of flesh, limbs or other body parts due to the rotting process, as well as the loss of intelligence and other sensory or locomotive skills. Detailed information on how to slow down the rotting process of your zombie is contained in your User Guide (located in the section titled "How to harmlessly remove your own brain in order to feed your Personal Zombie Unit").
If you ever experience any other malfunction with your zombie, either ship it back in the same body bag mail package in which you received your PZU, perform satanic blood rituals aimed at resurrecting undeads (as specified in the troubleshooting section III of the Necromancer's Guidebook), or just remove your own brain and deliver it to one of our our local zombie HQ near you, or to any ZAPER (Zombification Agency Personal Estimator and Representative) that breaks into your house.
[edit] Trouble shooting Troubleshooting Zombies
If you have trouble shooting a zombie, and you don't know why, then perhaps you should consider using these methods in order to maximize the effictiveness of your anti-zombie, anti-Dracula and anti-Dick Cheney weaponry, and keep you and (no one else) your family safe!
1. Point weapon at Zombie(s) (note: point end with hole at your target, and the shoulder butt against your shoulder. Not the other way around. Trust us on this one.)
2. Pull the trigger (note: be careful that there are no unwanted obstacles/neighbours/grannies in your line of fire)
3. Try to CONSERVE your ammo! When something is shot in the head, it will not come back(although, just to be on the safe side, it's probably best to send out slow bait, such as a toddlers/neighbor/granny first before you leave your bunker, in order to determine if there really are any undead still out there).
4. If things get out of hand, and it seems that your trusty ol' magnum won't work, get out the AK-47 FOR JEEBUS' SAKE! Do not allow previous experiences of reliability get in the way of common sense! A magnum WILL NOT save you from a hoard of zombies (maybe against granny, but not zombies)! If you do not have an AK-47 or similar automatic weapon for some reason, then perhaps you deserve to die. Just be a pal and kill yourself with your magnum so we won't have to pick up after you.
5. Do not allow love to get in the way of your survival. Love counts for nothing in this life. Survival, sex, hot chicks, hot cars, and mary-j are all that count. Please ensure that your bunker is equipped with all of this, with some extra for the author, who has some great ideas and a great brain, which he wants to keep safe, but has no dough to break the ice with his girlfriend who DOES.
[edit] See also
- Zombie Types
- HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak
- Necromancy
- Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
- Norzombies
- Zombies Anonymous
- Queer Eye For The Dead Guy
- Night of the Living Dead
- George Romero
- Unzombies
- Land of the Jews (film)
- Dead Rising
- Zombie Defense
- NAAUP
- Flood
[edit] External links
- Zombies: A Will to Act
- Zombie Preparedness Initiative
- Zombie Escape Plan journals
- Zombie Zombies Zombies
- Zombie Cat
- Stanford University Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry on Zombies
- Zombie song
- Another zombie song, by the Zombeatles
- survival planning for those afraid to adopt a zombie
- Zombie Last Supper
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