Zombie Christianity
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Zombie Christianity is a distinct sect of Christianity which believes that Jesus Christ returned to the earth after his crucifixion not as the savior of mankind, but as a ravenous, brain eating zombie.
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[edit] Sacred Imagery
Unfortunately, most examples of early Zombie Christian imagery were destroyed millions of years ago by revisionist Catholics after they signed the Easter Bunny to be the official spokesman of the murder of Jesus. However, a few Zombie Christian holy relics and icons can still be found today.
[edit] Cerebrum Sanctus
Cerebrum Sanctus, or "The Sacred Brains", is one of the most important images to believers of Zombie Christianity. Even as early as the 65th century AD, Zombie Christians often had the sacred brains painted on the sides of their mules and donkeys using a primitive form of airbrushing. It is also common to find this holy icon tattooed just above the crack on sorority girls in their sophomore year.
[edit] Piscis Pius Esurio
The "Holy, Hungry Fish" has been gaining popularity in recent years with more and more people attaching this emblem to the backs of their cars. To those unfamiliar with Zombie Christian scripture, the choice of a fish as a representation of the Zombie Christ may seem peculiar, but the explanation is quite simple:
Even after his Zombification, Zombie Jesus retained his ability to walk on water. He'd often use this power to stroll out on lakes to where children were swimming and would effortlessly crunch into their skulls as they bobbed above the waves. This technique has for centuries been known to Biblical historians as "fishing", thus the fish emblem.
[edit] Holidays
[edit] Passover
In Zombie Christianity, Passover celebrates not the final meal that Jesus shared with his disciples before his death, but the first meal after his return as a zombie. Traditionally this holiday is observed by preparing a simple meal of unleavened brains washed down with the saltiest blood available. A garnishing of parsley is optional.
[edit] Easter of the Living Dead
The central holiday in Zombie Christianity. Depending on the particular sect, believers may celebrate by baptizing one another in giant vats of brains or by brutally beating into oblivion a Zombie Jesus piñata. Other traditions include hunting for brightly-painted rabbit brains and the ritual sacrifice of adorable baby chicks.
[edit] Festival of the Holy Spleen
"And Lo, there was a great silence among the apostles. 'What the hell are you talking about?' asked Peter. 'Eatin' spleens. For before the cock crows, I shall eat your spleen three times.' declared the Son of Man. 'Uh... dude... that's effed up.' declared Peter. 'Yeah... you're about to get owned...' declared His Holiness." -- The Book of Spleeneatin', 5:68 4-14
[edit] Sects
[edit] Zombie Protestantism
Zombie Protestantism was founded when Zombie Martin Luther nailed 95 brains to the door of Zombieburg Cathedral as a protest against the selling of brains.
[edit] See also
Categories: Jesus | Christianity | Undead | Religion | Zombies
