| Slow-Dumb Zombie
|
|
| Type
| Undead
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| Killed By
| Everything, Headshots, Chuck Norris
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| Stats
| Low/moderate strength
Extremely low speed (shambling)
Extremely low intelligence
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Biting to turn others into Zombies, Eating Your brains
|
Possibly the most common and well known variety of zombie, as well as the easiest to defeat. They are unable to move quickly, and are not smart enough to do anything other than walk(well, shamble) towards the nearest human they can detect. What causes these zombies to form is disputed, but leading authorities in zombification literature believes that it is caused by zombie monkeys, and what causes them is unknown. Most of the time, you could survive an attack by them simply by walking away somewhat quickly. The only time you may really need to destroy these zombies is if you are really bored. Unfortunately, somehow the rest of the world is so stupid that by the end of the movie there will be an overwhelming number of these things trying to get into your safe house, and your only hope is an impromptu rescue by the surviving members of the Jesus Society of Free Love.
These Zombies are ridiculously easy to defeat. How they manage to take over the world in the "Dead" series we will never know. Even though they can only be killed with damage to their brain, all you have to do is walk up to it and shoot it in the face at point blank range, and unless it somehow takes you more then a minute to do that, the zombie can not possibly have time to get you. If you don't have a gun, some kind of blade, pointy object, or even a blunt cudgel of some kind will just as easily suffice. Hell, you could punch one of these zombies to death if you really wanted too. And if it does take you more than a minute to merely lift your arm and pull the trigger, odds are you are probably a Slow-Dumb zombie too. A bite from one of these zombies will take hours if not all day to change you into a zombie, giving you plenty of time to see a doctor and/or seek your revenge on the Zombie that bit you.
The best weapon for combating this breed of pesky and totally retarded undead is anything which has comedy value, i.e. Pump-action-frying-pan, the pope's flower pot (the plant being fed on holy water will cause some sort of fun effect), hiring a samurai to beat the zombies to death with a fish, lawnmower with spray tube... and so on.
For more fun regarding Slow-Dumb zombies, view the documentary Shaun of the Dead.
OMGG!! ASTRO ZOMBIES!!!
[edit] Fast-Dumb Zombie
| Fast-Dumb Zombie
|
|
| Type
| Undead
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| Caused by
| Zombie monkeys
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| Killed By
| Headshots, Chuck Norris
|
| Stats
| Medium strength
Very high speed (Sprinting)
Extremely low intelligence
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Biting to turn others into Zombies, Eating Your brains, outrunning you
|
These are somewhat trickier. While they still just go in a straight line towards you, they are able to run like fucking tri-athletes. These zombies are caused by, what scientists call, "Mysterious Forces" that randomly beset people and cause them to desire eating human flesh (especially Brains.) But they are as dumb as the Slow-Dumb zombie, and doing something like shutting a door in front of them will baffle them.
Trying to outrun Fast-Dumb Zombies is almost a sure fire way of being killed, as not only are these Zombies able to run at superhuman speeds, but they have unlimited stamina. So even if you managed to run fast enough not to get caught, the moment you run out of puff, you are a goner. Fast-Dumb Zombies tend to gather in ever-growing swarms around whomever they are attacking, so don't ever be lulled into a false sense of security thinking there are only a few.
To defeat zombies such as this, it is best to get to a high place, block any easy entrances, and start chucking solid projectiles such as rocks. When you run out of rocks, break out a semi-automatic of some sort.
The best way to slaughter these muthas is an angry black man with a shotgun. Failing that, a nuclear weapon will suffice.
See the documentary, "Dawn of the Dead" for information on this type of zombie.
[edit] Slow-Smart zombie
| Slow-Smart Zombie
|
|
| Type
| Demons
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| Caused by
| Opening a Porthole to Hell
|
| Killed By
| BFG, Chuck Norris
|
| Stats
| Medium strength
Low speed (Walking)
High intelligence
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Outsmarting you, trapping you
|
These zombies are unable to move quickly, but are smart enough to use weapons and hide in wait until you are vulnerable to attack. No matter how many times you get away, they always seem to find you again. These zombies can be really tricky. These zombies are created by hellspawn that crawl out of portals that open up when you touch yourself at night, and the punishment is dire indeed. For a good idea of how to deal with these zombies, see the fine computer simulation, "Doom".
These Zombies are undead humans who have been turned into brain-dead killing machines by the demons. These zombies are found in various forms, ranging from former civilians to soldiers to even some 24th chromosome bullshit that was just made up for the movie and had nothing to do with the original games.
To slay these zombies, you first need the blue key card...oh, just get that black guy, or a hazmat team, or both. Actually, screw the team. Grab a Big Fucking Gun and blow the crap out of the shadows. Alternately, it is also possible to obtain a sample of the zombie disease in question and turn into one of the fuckers. Then you can really whip their asses in style.
[edit] Fast-Smart zombie
| Fast-Smart Zombie
|
|
| Type
| Undead
|
| Caused by
| Unknown
|
| Killed By
| Nuclear Weapons, Chuck Norris
|
| Stats
| Medium strength
Very high speed
High intelligence
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Outsmarting you, trapping you, out running you, biting you turning you into a Zombie
|
These zombies are a bunch of pricks. Although they are the rarest kind of zombie, the destruction and death they cause is complete.
These zombies are much harder to kill in melee combat than the other types. Getting up high won't always stop these buggers either - apparently zombie viruses can work wonders for vertigo, obesity and lack of coordination. They might climb up after you, so remember to have an exit strategy - otherwise, plan on being an undead abomination. No matter how fast you run, they always seem to catch up.
Your best bet is to get a gun and start going for point-blank range shots. Do not worry about your inexperience with firearms; during most zombie outbreaks, the guys that know how to handle guns, always seem to die rather quickly. So it is best that you don't know how to handle a weapon. All survivors have the innate ability to handle guns with no problem.
However, if your town is besieged by an entire horde of fast-smart zombies, you may consider using your gun to kill yourself. But if you have a nuke, you can splatter these zombies quite well. If you don't have a nuke, you can actually trick the zombies effectively enough by forging a piece of government legislation that says you do.
The most known case of a Fast-Smart zombie was in Day of the Dead.
[edit] "Oh shit" zombie
| Oh Shit! Zombie
|
|
| Type
| Cursed Living
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| Caused by
| Gas Contamination/Stealing Cursed Treasure
|
| Killed By
| Minigun full of incendiary bullets, Chuck Norris, Raptor Jesus, Frank West
|
| Stats
| Extreme strength
High speed
High intelligence
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Being Invincible, Spreading Virus and Stealing Treasure
|
As depicted in the Return of the Living Dead documentaries and Pirates of the Caribbean, these zombies are impervious to just about everything. Damaging the brain won't slow them down at all. Decapitating them just means you now have a zombie head and a zombie body both coming after you. They also seem to posses a certain level of intelligence and a variety of speeds. Some are even able to can cooperate with each other, make plans, and talk.
While burning them destroys the zombies themselves, it may also guarantee that the ashes will infect something else and make them into a zombie. This is known as Zombie Pollen.
The first type of this Zombie from the Return of the Living Dead documentaries are caused when a bumbling pair of employees at a medical supply warehouse accidentally released a deadly gas into the air, which vapors caused the dead to re-animate as they went on a rampage through Louisville, Kentucky seeking their favorite food, brains. That is one of the main difference is that the zombies feed specifically on human brains, this is because eating brains stops the pain of being dead, for a little while at least.
The second type of these Zombies are just Pirates. So imagine all the awesomeness and total badassery of your average Priate, but combine that with the fact that these Pirates can't be killed, not even by another Pirate.
If these type of zombies are encountered...well, you're screwed. Nice knowing ya'.
[edit] S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Zombie
| S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Zombie
|
| Type
| Vodka-Brain
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| Caused by
| Brain Scorcher, Controller, Mike Tyson
|
| Killed By
| Headshots, Everything Else, Vodka
|
| Stats
| Medium strength
Very slow speed (Shambling)
Extremely low intelligence
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Shooting you poorly with a gun, stealing your vodka
|
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. zombies are probably the weakest zombies to be encountered on earth, mars and Alpha Centauri, they are technically living yet managed to convince the zombie government to pass immigration reforms allowing them full citizenship, as such zombies do not eat them anymore.
However, these zombies are slightly smarter, they fire guns at you and moan in russian, also they try to steal your vodka, which is ironic because vodka kills them. It is not understood how the blood of russians can kill russian zombies but it's supposed that perhaps Oprah Winfrey gave them a blood transfusion. That or AIDS.
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. zombies are created by the radio channel of keith richards, constantly being played repeatedly by a transmitter which sends it straight into your BRAIN so you can't stop listening to it. Eventually you'll go insane and turn into one of Keith Richards clones....
Due to the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. zombies high radioactivity it's not advised to go near it for point blank range, unless your chuck norris or Dick Cheney as they both eat radiation for lunch. The good thing about these zombies is that they convieniently carry weapons and ammunition as well as medical kits, porno mags and stolen vodka which means you can go forever killing them without really worrying.(If you are a russian then you are technically a vampire because you need vodka to survive, if not YOUR NOT RUSSIAN)
If you see a S.T.A.L.K.E.R. zombie controlled by a controller (see ophrah winfrey) then your fucked, the controller will turn your monitor into a dialysis machine and make your speakers sound like they are reciting the bible backwards. Eventually you'll be forced to shoot yourself, oh well.
[edit] Rage Zombie
| Rage Zombie
|
|
| Type
| Virus Infected
|
| Caused by
| Rage Virus
|
| Killed By
| The same means as a human: Chuck Norris
|
| Stats
| High strength
High speed (running)
Moderate intelligence cause they're too pissed to think straight
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Anger, Beating you to death, spreading infection through fluids
|
There has always been a great deal of debate about whether this particular species of zombie is just a variant fast-smart zombie, or whether in fact they are zombies at all. However, these debates are usually quashed by a quick line on how "Just 'coz they look the same, doesn't mean they ARE the same, you goddamned racist!" Strictly speaking, they are not zombies per se, but are still under the same classification for convenience. These zombies were created in 2002 by the scientist Dr. Danny Boyle; they are in fact humans who were exposed to a virus that fills them with murderous rage, inciting them to kill every living thing in the most brutal way you can imagine (but like all other types of zombies, not each other, I never understood that, like they all starve to death because they kill everything that's moving except for each other, why don't they eat each other then, oh yeah, they're too pissed off, and anyway let's not get side-tracked here, back to the main topic!). So basically, they possess the same characteristics as a regular human, except they are really, really pissed off.
Because they are still basically human, the Rage zombies can still run fast and climb walls. They cannot, however, eat stuff, presumably because they're just too damn pissed to eat. Therefore, the main cause of death in "Rage" zombies is starvation. Killing them can be done in the same way as killing a normal human, except these zombies will be a bit more pissed when they die.
Aside from the fast running, wall vaulting, tendency to pack together, and the obligatory hissing, groaning, and ripping things to shreds with their bare hands and teeth(as if that isn't identification enough), all "Rage" zombies have glowing red eyes. You can primarily become one if you are bitten by one, or if their blood mixes with yours. They have the ability to vomit blood which makes them particularly contagous. Becoming one will only take 28 seconds, so if you see someone get bitten, kill them while it is still easy to do so.
Fighting these zombies is a little more complicated then the other zombies. For the other zombies, you either just fought them or ran, but these zombies require more technique. Because these zombies are created by a highly contagious virus(much worse then chickenpox) maintaining quarantine and sanitary conditions is of uttermost priority. Do not get near them, lest ye be exposed to infection! Attack these zombies from a safe distance, preferably while wearing biohazard suits, burn the bodies, and maintain quarantine at all costs!, and make Sure the Airforce is in charge this time!, we all know what happened with the army and the zombies in London!!!
So a little piece of advice, these pricks are most commonly found in groups ranging from big to small, they are so scary you'll end up shitting yourself trying to get away, like a large group of Rage zombies could kill a grue, cuz they're so pissed, so in the case you run into some,...RUN TO THE WOODS MOTHER FUCKER! RUN TO THE FUCKING WOODS!!!
For more information on "Rage" zombies, seek out the docu-drama "28 Days/ 28 Weeks Later".
[edit] Slither Zombie
| Slither Zombie
|
|
| Type
| Worm Infected
|
| Caused by
| Alien Worms
|
| Killed By
| Fire, Killing the worm as well as guy, failing at the box office, Chuck Norris
|
| Stats
| High strength
High speed (running)
High intelligence, one consciousness shared through big nasty primo guy
|
| Weapon of Choice
| Slashing, hurting, eating, worming into you and turning you into mondo zombie.
|
First found normally peaceful town of Wheelsy, they are alien worms that come from space hidden in metorites, and take one person and turn em into zombie king and he makes a fat person and they explode and he uses the worms from them to make more zombies! Confused? Yeah, so are we.
These creaturea are only concerned with its domination of the planet it is located at and the increase of its numbers, so it is therefore adviseable that you don't let them do this. Despite their near animalistic qualities, the creature is quite intelligent and capable of developing tactics. But whether this was a quality it developed from its hosts that it consumed or a natural aspect is unknown. It is interesting to note that the original behaviours of the host are adopted by the prime host and therefore adopted by the parasites themselves. Strong emotions like love to an individual can dominate the alien DNA and impart a sense of protection to those the parasites hosts loved. However, if faced with the possibility of destruction, then the creature will violently attempt to destroy any threats to its well being. It is adviseable, to play it safe and not get emotionally attached to this zombie. Just because it looks like your old husband, and says it loves you like he did, doen't mean he isn't going to try and worm you in the face.
The creatures seem to use the tactic of numbers to overpower and overwhelm the host species without using advanced forms of weaponry but natural qualities. Infected hosts that develop into zombies also attempt to use their personal connections such as friendships as well as family relationships to trick the hosts into cooperating. Despite this, the creatures seem to have a fear towards flame based forms of attack, possibly because these are perhaps the only true form of attack that can possibly destroy the parasites. Even if the 'zombie' hosts are decapitated, the parasite inside can survive, leave the host and attempt to infect a new host.
The creatures are all subservient to the prime host which they protect at all costs, mainly because its death spell their deaths due to a unique mental hive-mind link. A nest is developed with a chamber devoted to the prime host, a chamber for the incubators and a chamber where food is stored. Around this nest, the zombie's attempt to defend that territory while others go out to hunt and gather.
For more information, seek out the mockumentry Slither.
"The Dark Seeker Zombie
These zombies are the byproduct of a known cure for cancer which backfired in 2009, killing roughly
almost all the human population and rendering the rest as Infected. These zombies are by far the
most realistic of all. Things to consider are:
Their Strength and Speed: 6x that of a normal human (unless its Chuck Norris)
Average Heartrate: about 200
Average Body Temperature: around 100-105 degrees Fahrenheit
Weaknesses: any type of firearm will kill them; blood of the Immune, LIGHT, Chuck Norris, Will Smith (this has yet to be confirmed)
For more information, view the future historical record I Am Legend, which is of course the historically correct version of "The Last Man On Earth", a movie, starring the real-life last-man-on-Earth, Vincent Price.
[edit] Zombie Sub-Types
While the amount of different types of Zombies may be limited to those mentioned above, the Zombies can then turn into one of the following sub-types of Zombies. For example, if any of the aforementioned Zombies were to be lit on fire, regardless of their previous type, they would then become a "Flame Zombie". Because of this it is also possible to make "Combo Zombies", by say, getting a Soldier bitten by a rage zombie making a "Rage Soldier Zombie", or teaching a Fast-Smart Zombie to dance making a "Fast-Smart-Danceing Zombie". The potential combinations make up for hours of fun!
[edit] Zombie Soldiers
If the military is unsuccessful at containing a zombie outbreak, this is what results: Shit, there's a 75% chance that they'll still know how to use guns, and the helmets and bullet-proof uniforms only make killing these pests all the more difficult. If you're ever confronted by this somewhat common breed of zombie, get a gun and shoot them in the face. Then, try shooting its legs (zombies are not known for their balance). If that doesn't work, just lie down, and stay down. Now watch the soldier zombies rip you apart while you're still alive, but perhaps you're more afraid of what the government will do to you once they find out you haven't filed your tax return yet...
[edit] Female zombie
Also known as Sheri Moon Zombies. Treat these like any other zombie and kill it quickly. Don't start to think necrophilia is alright if it's the body of Jessica Alba staring you down. She is even more likely to claw your eyes out now during sex, and besides, your bowels empty when you die(just hope that she dumped before she died). That's a turnoff for anyone. Well, almost anyone, but let's not go there.
[edit] Flame Zombie
 SHEET!! FUCKING FLAME ZOMBIES!!! PISS OFF!!! YOUR NOT EATING MY FUCKING COOKIES!!!!! THEY'RE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. These zombies are the most deadly of all. They have been created by some idiot human trying burn them only to have 70 KGs of flaming zombie rip out their brains with an almighty "Blargcaaaaakes!!!!".
If you see one of these zombies, you're fucked. Unless you happening to water your daisys in your garden at the time, then just spray them with the hose, it only make sense...
[edit] Smelly Liberal Hippie zombie
Socks with sandals, cheese on everything; these foul creatures were seriously bred in the fires of hell. This dangerous breed of zombie is created when a young adult human experiments with a drug called marijuana and then go to a college where hippie professors tell them how the corporations and the government are destroying the world. When the hippie zombies reach full maturity(usually after the first year of contact with the hippie professors)they begin to protest and hold rock music festivals (Woodstock, Burning Man, for Chrissake don't you see the madness?!?). In the end, there are few ways to kill these horrible creatures. Some of the more effective processes are: Metal(Slayer, Cannibal Corpse, it all works), the National Guard(all these guys do is target practice, so headshots are no problem) or arsenic.
[edit] Misspelled zombie
Misspelled zombies are created when some idiot who never capitalizes the first word in a sentence is writing about zombies. Everytime the word "zombie" is misspelled, the zombie in question becomes a misspelled zombie. They most often present as zmobies, although variations like zobmies are not uncommon, and reports of a strain of zmombies have recently brought the "One M" theory into question. Misspelled zombies generally retain the characteristics of their zombie counterparts, becoming, among others, fast stupid zmobies, slow stupid zobmies, conjoined zmombies, corpulent zmobies, grave robber [sic] zobmies, et cetera. When a zombie becomes misspelled, it loses its ability to cause infection, because zmobification just sounds stupid.
For more information, see Tales from the Cyrpt.
[edit] Pageant zombie
Little is it known that beauty pageants are actually used to build a giant zombie army. They are often blonde and beautiful, but look only slightly made of plastic. It is very difficult to tell that the girls and women who have won pageants are actually zombies. The crowns and trophies that are received by the contestants are actually mind control devices that turn the girls into zombies. They malfunction if the girl is too smart. The head of all pageants is Oprah Winfrey, and she uses her mass zombie armies to prepare for world domination.
[edit] Dancing zombie
Experts are still arguing what exactly these zombies are like. They don´t really fit one of the main categories above, as they are dumb(see above) and can´t walk fast, but are fast and smart enough to dance. And man, they got some moves. In theory, those zombies are spawned in a place commonly known as Neverland Ranch, the name alluding to the endless sources of horror this ground provides. It is widley believed by other zombies to be a zombie of inferiority. An interesting note: When these zombies start to dance, they somehow cause all other zombies in the immediate vicinity to dance in perfect coordination.
Escaping these zombies is rather easy. Just hope they´ll start dancing, and while they´re busy, run for it. Seriously, you should be good with that. Don´t wonder about that music you´ll hear without any source, just take it as a blessing and leave. Although you could stay and enjoy the show, experts agree that being alive is more preferable to being eaten or forced to dance.
See: Michael Jackson
[edit] Politician
Found around national capitals, state/provincial capitals and town centers, these zombies turn you into one of them by forcing you to run for office. Some are Admins on Uncyclopedia. Others are users of Wikipedia. There are some rumors that they are led by George W. Bush. He uses the zombie politins in congress to make them vote for stupid things like the Iraqi invasion and the eventual invasion of Iran.
[edit] Zombies Only You Can See
These are the zombies that appear in odd black and white places with narrators. It usually turns out that you're the zombie or a ghost or something or you're the only non-zombie in the area. The best way to combat these zombies is screaming at everyone else about how there are zombies everywhere and being taken away by the police to the "special house" where they'll put you in an "anti-zombie coat and room because zombies can't go into cushioned areas".
[edit] Lithuanian Zombies
These zombies are found only in Didžiasalis, Lithuania. It's an evil magical place that turn anyone living there into a zombie. They aren't really undead, only their brain have perished. But they try to keep them intact by unsing large quantities of alcohol. And since alcohol isn't free, these zombies have to work. Their main line of work is collecting used bricks. These come from various ruins scattered in the area: Babylon, Death Star II, the Pyramids and few abandoned factories. Moreover, these zombies use tools, like wheelcarts and need housing and food.
They are not aggressive, unless you threaten their bricks, and are legaly protected by the law of Lithuania. That means that you can shoot them in secret and get away with it.
[edit] Rob Zombies
Special form of zombie that does not attack directly, but through crappy movies which render the watchers colon into a poodle. They have also been known to dig ditches while burning whiches, then proceeding to run you over with a Dragula. Rob Zombies can be identified from other zombies by the clear physical distinctions such as long dirty hair, hot wives, and a collection of old scary movie memorabilia. Also known as superbeasts.
[edit] Invisible Zombies
Invisible zombies are very sneaky. They can attack wihout warn..AAAGH MY LEG!!!!!!!!!!...braiinss braaaiiinns...
[edit] Cassi Zombies
This is another type of zombie that does not attack. Cassi Zombies are most often found wandering around less populated countrysides, and since they blend in fairly well (they have obtained, after years of evolution, the appearance of teenage girls) they have also been spotted working at local supermarkets. These types of zombies are not always friendly. If you are to attack a Cassi Zombie or anger a Cassi Zombie, they may attack as a regular zombie, but slightly more powerful.
[edit] Gay Zombies
like any other zombie except these zombies do not scream and moan "brains", oh no, these zombies my friends moan "COOOOCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK","COOOOOOOCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK" and so on. They do not eat you from the top down either, they start in the crotchal area and eat everything there, than they leave your screaming body to attract more threatining zombies to devour the rest of your body.
[edit] Marvel Zombies
Marvel zombies are like normal zombies, except they have super powers. Marvel zombies can destroy cities and can shoot lasers from their eyes. Luckly, for some reason, marvel zombies often kill eachother. Using this to your advantage may let you kill two X-men with one shell. They are located everywhere comic book superheroes are. for example: Small cities, Large cities, forests and any location with "Bat" in its name.
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