Zombies

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“My G-Unit is really Z-Unit.”

~ 50 Cent on Zombies

“One time a zombie farted on me... it smelled like death.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Zombies

“HAHA I knew it! Zombies DO exist. They said i was crazy, But I knew. I knew.......”

~ Dr.Paranoid on Zombies

“Is it dead? I shot it twice... It has to be dead. Not even a zombie could survive-HURGH!”

~ Zombie uprising survivor on the importance of looking behind you

“Don't call them that! It's ridiculous!”

~ Shaun on The Dead

“IT'S ZOMBIE TIME!!!”

~ AMV Hell nerd

“Come back again and I swear I'll shoot you!!!”

~ Clint Eastwood

“Does this mean those fucking 80's pop stars are back?”

~ 80's music hater

“In Soviet Russia, zombies get eaten by YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Zombies

“Fuck.”

~ the world on the return of the dead

“UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHRRRR!!”

~ Zombie on Zombies

“Where's the freakin' blood in those guys?”

~ Vampires on Zombies

“Brains!!!!!(i came here for the free tacos!)”

~ Zombie Boy

“These bastards just never stay in their graves, as if their being picky or something. King Tut had a tomb of gold, didn' he? And now look where he is. Shitting around in my backyard, trying to eat grandma's brain. I mean, fuck!!”

~ professional enbalmer

“When a zombie is coming at you your probably gonna die unless you got a gun with ya...”

~ Rydell Sexton Lebrun

“...”

~ Gordon Freeman on Zombies

“Graaaaaaaaains!”

~ Vegetarian Zombie on lunch

“Nooooooo Braaaaaains?”

~ Zombies on Paris Hilton

“Lots of Braaaaaains!!”

~ Zombies on Me

“I like Turtles”

~ Zombie Kid on liking Turtles

Zombies are a subspecies of humans which are the byproduct of any physical, metaphysical, or metalengual process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the flesh and brains of the living. They are really freaky fucking bastards, as if they were related to Michael Jackson or someone like that. Avoid at all costs! they can only be killed by removing the head, or destroying the brain. Got that, bitch? Hell knows your gonna need it..... Although technically undead, zombies can still function relatively well in society by taking on odd jobs and becoming ditch-diggers, fancy rave club DJs, television game show hosts, Secretary of Homeland Security, politicians,babysitters, or workers in almost any service industry. It is suspected that the leaders of the United Kingdom and the United States are both mere zombies, controlled by some more powerful source..^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}

An ongoing debate exists over who was the first zombie. Many experts claim that the first recorded zombie may very well have been Keith Richards. However, recent archaeological work has suggested that el Zombie Número Uno was actually Jesus. Dr. Dustin Lovell, professor of Anthropology at the University of Michigan, states that "the only fucking way God was going to resurrect Jesus' ass was if He first invented a way to do this. Bam! You got yourself zombification." Supporters of this theory cite apocryphal gospels from the first and second century AD, in particular the "Book of Brains", which claims to record several speeches made by Jesus following the resurrection. In one of these, Jesus recites the "Parable of Brains": "Braaaiiiinss.... braaaaaaiiinssss.... braaaiinnnns!!!" In the "Miracle of the Brains", Jesus was able to use only two human brains to feed five thousand ravenous zombies. For reasons which are obscure, this Gospel was not included in the New Testament. Dr. Van Nostrand concluded by stating "not to fear Zombies, for they are the true sons of God. A shotgun blast to their skull is like a shotgun blast to Jesus' hippie-haired skull. Think about all of this the next time one of our friendly neighbors of the Lord attempts to feast on your brain. If a zombie attempts to feed on your face, turn the other cheek."

Zombies are driven by an unnatural, evil hunger to consume the living that originates, presumably, from some source of boundless evil such as Hell, Satan, or(most likely) Oprah. They walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this is a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy. As Heaven also began refusing souls (see: The Too-Many-People-Are-Dying-With-Dark-Colored-Skin-Thanks-To-Natural-Disasters Act of 1974), this forced the undead to wander forever in torment in the streets and alleys of ordinary society and vacation in New Jersey. A recent Pete Rose autograph session near the Video Arcade on the south Strip lends credibility to increasing reports of zombie sightings in Las Vegas. Initially, the reaction of most people was to shoot and/or burn zombies on sight, but eventually a tense truce was reached between the two groups and zombies are now allowed to live a relatively normal existence. While the death toll of zombies has been increasing in recent years, most consider it to be balanced out since those who are killed by zombies usually become zombies themselves, thus adding to the zombie workforce. Since zombies only require human brains to exist, food supplies and other resources are greatly preserved, and human brains are relatively easy to acquire by simply harvesting the young children of Third World countries, or other undesirables such as intellectuals, teachers, Democrats, motor vehicle division clerks, and lawyers. Their least favorite treat though would happen to be the Republicans, whom they sympathize with as their fellow comrades. After all, neither of them tend to use their own brain very much.

Zombies are excellent household pets, as they will eat the brains of any intruders. This puts them in high demand, but due to the fact there aren't many zombies around, they are becoming increasingly expensive, giving new meaning to the term 'costing an arm and a leg'. Zombies enjoy urban environments, but they don't mind rural locations either. They are incredibly intelligent, because of the number of brains they eat, although they don't like to talk much. Some of the amazing discoveries found by Zombie scientists include:

• The cure for Folk Music
• The secret of the photocopier
• Dinosaur Resurrection
• Cyanide

It is very important to have a well thought out zombie escape plan. Zombie attacks can come at any time and failing to plan is planning to get your brains eaten. Have an escape route and practice zombie escape drills with your family. Always have a Zombie Survival Kit at the ready in case of an outbreak, preferably on you person. Wherever you go, make note of the exits and potential hiding places. It is also important to study the different kinds of zombies (below) so you will know the best way to destroy the particular zombie you encounter. And if possible, it is good to keep all this information written down and with you at all times for quick reference.

- It is also a widely known fact that zombies do in fact play monopoly... although it usually does end up in them getting killed again...

Contents 1 Origins 2 The difference between zombies 3 Zombie Rights 4 Irony of zombie eating habits 5 Criticism 6 Troubleshooting zombies 7 Trouble shooting troubleshooting Zombies 8 Zombie types 9 Where do zombies come from? 10 See also 11 External links

[edit] Origins

The origin of zombies is disputed. Some speculate that Zombies were stumbled upon by a group of scientists experimenting on rage infected monkies. Others claim that they were created by the U.S.government for a weapon against its enemies. (A big surprise for the Russians.) Also, there is a romour going around that a team of archaeologists discovered a 24th chromosome in an ancient corpse found in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. They tested a serum made with the 24th chromosome on serial killers, disgruntled post office employees and various bums, thus creating the Z.O.M.B.I.E. (zoetic-odible-maliferous-bathmistic-ignotistic-exanimates,Look these up they all mean something). Though none of these theories are confirmed, what we do know is this...its not the end of the world. - T.W.T.

[edit] The difference between zombies

there are two subspecies of zombies to be found: the feral zombie and the tamed zombie.

the tamed zombie is usually created in a controlled environment, where an undesirable person such as a toddlers, nag or pesky neighbor is placed in a tank with a zombie that is near re-death. The zombie leaps upon the person, cracks open their skull using a butter-knife, and devours their brain. Simple as that. Feral zombies are created in much the same way, except there is no tank and no butter-knife, which leaves them with two options: either cracking the skull with their fingernails, or with their teeth. There is of course the old method of using a nut-cracker, but many zombies believe it to be too old-fashioned.

[edit] Zombie Rights

Recently, the civil rights of zombies have become a flashpoint issue in many communities. Perhaps the most vocal and noteworthy leader of the pro-zombie civil rights movement is George Romero, who, although not a zombie himself, is rumored to be undead nevertheless. His lawyer stringently denied these rumors, and Mr. Romero himself added 'I vant to suck your blood!' Mr. Romero feels that zombies are marginalized by normal society and that eating human brains should maybe not be limited to just zombies. As of 2005, Romero hopes to open a zombie museum displaying works of zombie art, zombie music, and the unveiling of the first, fresh human brain vending machine.

Interestingly, and ironically, one of the few ways to kill a zombie is to bite its head off. It is also a little known fact that zombies absolutely love cheese, but due to the Propaganda Ministry of Hollywood, zombies are rarely depicted enjoying cheese or cheese-based foods(such as rydells >L and people like ian>L). This is because the first zombie (disputed) had lactose intolerance, and was a little bastard. Now everybody thinks they eat and do nothing but just eat brains and moan... By the way, most rapist are zombies, and do it for the sake of letting out a good moan.

[edit] Irony of zombie eating habits

Experts are still trying to figure out why zombies will only dine on the flesh of those still living even though there always seem to be way more zombies just walking around outside of wherever the last humans on earth happen to be. It is also unknown why, since the zombies will not eat each other, said last humans on earth don't just stay in the goddamn shopping mall/home depot/church/wherever the hell they are until the zombies starve and then they can go out and go about the sloppy yet fun business of repopulating the planet and getting rid of all those undead corpses. This would not be much of a problem because those last few humans seem to be really good at being in an easily barricadable place with lots of food and water. And shotguns. And a german '88. And a tank, with explosive ammo. And maybe an F-18 (only available for civilians at IKEA, Walmart, Zellers and Canadian Tyre), because there is no guarantee that those undead pricks will not try to imitate a Normal, Living Person (NLP) in order to get inside. Like the terminator (all three of them), only a lot dumber. And slower. And they don't have weird flame throwers in their arms. Or fake inflatable boobs (see terminator 3). Come to thinlk of it, there is absolutely danger whatsoever to Normal, Living People, with large juicy dripping with fluid braaaaiiiinnnnssss! In fact you should invite all neighbouring zombies for brain-orgies! braaiinns! brrraaaaaaiiiiinnnnns! brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns! Brrrrrrraaaaaaaaaiii- (BANG! SPLATTER!) This is the county sheriff. the nation is under attack from the walking Dead. the President is demanding that all necromancers turn in their badges and passes, that Dracula return to his grave, and advises civilians to stay inside (preferably where they can't escape, like the basement or attic) with the doors unlocked and windows out'n open. Meanwhile, you should enjoy your NLP meals and relax in your favourite resting places, far from your personal firearms, perhaps in a large bowl of plum sauce. See ya soon. May the great brain-eater be with you. Always.

[edit] Criticism

Zombies are often criticized often for contradictory reasons. 133tgamer477, for example, said "Zombies are stupid! All they do is walk around slowly! How scary is that? Oooh, I'm going to walk slowly towards you." 133tgamer477 expresses a common complaint against zombies, and that is, they are out of shape. Attorney David Hollow (defender of zombies everywhere) issued the following statement in response. "Zombies are just like people, disabled people. Sure, they may not seem like the nicest people around, but honestly who is after they've waken up from the best sleep they'll ever get. They may walk slowly, but that's simply because they have to walk EVERYWHERE. Zombies can't drive cars, so they conserve their energy. If one of us would simply give a zombie a ride sometime, maybe some coffee or caffeine, we might be able to get to know our un-dead brethren that much better."

[edit] Troubleshooting zombies

This section is not dedicated to resolving issues of people having trouble shooting zombies, but rather addressed to PZU (Personal Zombie Unit) owners for solving issues of malfunction of their zombie specimens. Please note that zombie specimens B and C, produced in between the years of 1978 and 1991 are no longer covered by our long term customer support. If you may acknowledge problems related to zombies dancing to gay dance music, straightening their clean-cut hairs with gastric juice/pus-based gel, wearing radioactivity-induced fluorescent clothes, mumbling about Communists taking over America or performing acts of cocooning, just shoot the damn things in the head before they breed and outnumber zombie demographics! It is a matter of zombie gene superiority.

Our Limited Deadtime Warranty on your PZU does not cover zombie malfunction due to eating brains of other zombies, zombies eating their own body parts, and zombies being born through natural reproduction between male and female zombie. Moreover, it is not covering any damages related to unsolicited loss of flesh, limbs or other body parts due to the rotting process, as well as the loss of intelligence and other sensory or locomotive skills. Detailed information on how to slow down the rotting process of your zombie is contained in your User Guide (located in the section titled "How to harmlessly remove your own brain in order to feed your Personal Zombie Unit").

If you ever experience any other malfunction with your zombie, either ship it back in the same body bag mail package in which you received your PZU, perform satanic blood rituals aimed at resurrecting undeads (as specified in the troubleshooting section III of the Necromancer's Guidebook), or just remove your own brain and deliver it to one of our our local zombie HQ near you, or to any ZAPER (Zombification Agency Personal Estimator and Representative) that breaks into your house.

[edit] Trouble shooting troubleshooting Zombies

If you have trouble shooting a zombie, and you don't know why, then perhaps you should consider using these user-safe methods in order to help maximise the effictiveness of your anti-zombie, anti-Dracula and anti-Dick Cheney weaponry, and keep you and your family safe!

1. Point weapon at Zombie(s) (note: point end with hole at your target, and the shoulder butt against your shoulder. Not the other way around. Trust us on this one.)

2. fire weapon by pulling trigger (note: be careful that there are no unwanted obstacles/neighbours/grannies in your line of fire)

3. Try to CONSERVE your ammo! When something is shot in the head, IT WILL NOT COME BACK! (although, just to be on the safe side, best to send out slow bait, such as a toddlers/neighbour/grannies first before you leave your bunker, in order to determine if there really are any Undead things still out there).

4. If things get out of hand, and it seems that your trusty ol' magnum won't work, GET OUT THE AK-47 FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Do not allow previous experiences of reliability get in the way of common sense! A magnum WILL NOT save you from a hoard of Zombies (maybe against granny, but not zombies!). An AK-47 WILL! If you do not have an AK-47 for some reason, then you deserve to die. Just be a pal and kill yourself with your magnum so we won't have to pick up after you.

[edit] Zombie types

Oprah Zombie - The Oprah Zombie, although rare, is a very dangerous opponent. Unlike most zombies, the Oprah Zombie has its own show where it tends to babble on about pointless information that no-one really cares about except for Elderly Women, Mothers, and Monks who are on Crack.

Vampire Zombie - The Vampire has large fangs, an incredible thirst for human blood, is as strong as a shot of heroine, and can only be killed using a stake through the heart, and sunshine or UV rays, a silver holy symbol, and holy water. That's all. No rocket-launcher or heavy machine gun on Earth will ever kill a Vampire. That's enough to make even Dracula have nightmares, and HE IS a Vampire.

See article: Zombie Types

[edit] Where do zombies come from?

PS(1)                         Linux User’s Manual                        PS(1)

NAME
ps - report a snapshot of the current processes.

Processes marked <defunct> are dead processes (so-called "zombies") that remain 
because their parent has not destroyed them properly.
These processes will be destroyed by init(8) if the parent process exits.

PROCESS STATE CODES
Here are the different values that the s, stat and state output specifiers
(header "STAT" or "S") will display to describe the
state of a process.
D    Uninterruptible sleep (usually IO)
R    Running or runnable (on run queue)
S    Interruptible sleep (waiting for an event to complete)
T    Stopped, either by a job control signal or because it is being traced.
W    paging (not valid since the 2.6.xx kernel)
X    dead (should never be seen)
Z    Defunct ("zombie") process, terminated but not reaped by its parent.

[edit] See also

• HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak
• Necromancy
• Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
• Norzombies
• Zombies Anonymous
• Queer Eye For The Dead Guy
• Night of the Living Dead
• George Romero
• Unzombies
• Land of the Jews (film)
• Dead Rising
• Zombie Defense
• NAAUP

[edit] External links

• Zombie Preparedness Initiative
• Zombie Escape Plan journals
• Zombie Zombies Zombies
• Zombie Cat
• Stanford University Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry on Zombies
• Zombie song
• Another zombie song, by the Zombeatles
• survival planning for those afraid to adopt a zombie
• Zombie Last Supper

v • d • e •••••Your Guide To Cannibalism•••••

Albert Fish • Alfred Packer • ALIVE! • Baby Eating • Baby farming • Baby food • Baby Meat • Baby recipes • Cannibal Corpse • Cannibalism • Cannibals • Celebrity Roast • Dinner Party • Fine Young Cannibals • Hannibal Lecter • HowTo Cook A Human • HowTo Cook Children • Human head • I Can't Believe It's Not Soylent Green • New Zealand • Recipes • Soylent Green • UnNews Cannibals Stopped • UnNews New TV Trend • UnNews Soylent Green Defamation • Why? Don't Be A Cannibal • Why? Eat People • Zombies • Zombie Types

Four Letter-Words
The A Word • The B Word • The C Word • The D Word • The E Word • The F Word • The G Word • The H Word • The I Word • The J Words • The K Words • The L Word • The M Word • The MF Word • The N Word • The Ñ Word • The O Word • The P Word • The Q Word • The R Word • The S Word • The T Word • The U Word • The V Word • The W Word • The X Word • The Y Word • The Z Word

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