Zoolander

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Zoolander

Directed by	Mikael Åkerfeldt
Produced by	Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Written by	Steve Vai, Fred Durst
Starring	Adam Sandler
Music by	I Think Satan Likes Your Mom
Release date(s)	September 28, 1993
Running time	15 min.
Country	USA

“He stole my look!”

~ Anderson Cooper on Blue Steel and Magnum

Zoolander is a 1993 sequel to The Lord of the Rings, starring Adam Sandler. To this day, Zoolander is considered to be one of Hollywood's greatest endeavors. Loosely based on a true story about the trials and tribulations of one man, and his life. Despite the film only being fifteen minutes long, it's historical significance has sparked much debate among young men about the inner-city lifestyle. The film is an intelligent social commentary on today's society and just the everyday homogenizations happening around the world. The director, Mikael Åkerfeldt (pronounced Aldercroften) claimed that the movie was inspired by a graphic novel written by H.P. Lovecraft called Shite In November.

1 Plot Summary
2 Death Of Steve Vai
3 Plot Summary (Continued) (Post-Steve Vai's Death) (When Fred Durst Started Writing it)
4 Plagiarism
5 Sequel
6 Cast
7 Cameo appearances

[edit] Plot Summary

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Wallace is the were-rabbit, Exdeath kills Galuf, Tony Montana dies in a raid on his mansion, Michael Newman wakes up in Bed, Bath and Beyond and discovers it was all a dream, the book "The Number 23" is actually about Jim Carrey's character's past, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

During the escape from the trade federation, the ship is attacked by the Federation blockade. The attack damages the ship's hyperdrive, forcing the party to land on the desert planet of Tatooine for repairs. While searching for needed parts, Flea and a handmaiden named Padmé (played by Andy Dick) befriend young Adam Sandler, a nine-year-old human slave gifted in piloting and mechanics.

Flea senses a strong presence of the Force in Adam, and feels that he may be the "Chosen One" — an individual the Jedi believe will fulfill a prophecy by bringing them lunch from Kentucky Fried Chicken. At Adam's insistence, Flea enters Adam into the Girl Scout's Beauty Pageant in a bet with Adam's master, Shannon Hoon, to gain the needed parts as well as Adam's freedom. Adam eludes several obstacles to win the race, gaining his freedom and bankrupting Hoon.

After hesitation, Adam leaves his mother behind on Tatooine to go with the Jedi. As the group prepares to depart, they are attacked by the Boner apprentice Darth Rosie O Donnel, who battles Flea until the heroes escape. On Coruscant, Flea informs the Jedi Council of the mysterious, well-trained attacker. The Council, who features Samuel L. Jackson as the only black guy in the whole movie, becomes concerned that this may indicate the reappearance of the Boner, an opposing order that followed the dark side of the Force. Flea informs the Council about Adam, hoping that he can be trained as a Jedi. After testing the boy the Council refuses, worried that he is too old for training and that the fear and anger that he harbors will cloud his future. Meanwhile, Senator Ron Paul of Naboo persuades Andy Dick, the queen of the Republic (don't ask me how that works) to call a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Barack Obama. The vote removes Obama from power and leads to Ron Paul's nomination for the position, which Andy Dick considers too late to be effective. To stop the Federation invasion by himself, the Queen decides to return to Naboo with her security team, the two Jedi, R2-D2, Adam Sandler, and Jar Jar (who is played by Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace).

As they make their way to the throne room, the infiltration team is confronted by Darth Rosie O Donnel. Flea and Obi-Wan engage O Donnel while the others take an alternative route. Flea and Obi-Wan duel with the Boner Lord amongst the catwalks of a massive power-generating reactor core. Obi-Wan is briefly delayed, separating him from Flea and O Donnel. Flea re-engages Darth O Donnel singlehandedly, but is mortally wounded. Obi-Wan catches up with O Donnel and kills him in another intense lightsaber battle, cutting the Boner Lord in half. Obi-Wan approaches his dying master, who uses his final breath to instruct him to train Adam Sandler to become a Jedi.

But he doesn’t. Instead, he takes Adam Sandler to go get a beer and they live happily ever afte…

[edit] Death Of Steve Vai

While seemingly in the middle of writing the screen play. Writer Steve Vai was murdered one mid summer morning in his San Fransisco condo. It was reported that day that the weather was spectacular. The kind of weather of days that you plan a family picnic on the beach. Opera singer and Steve Vai's former interpretive dance coach Fred Durst offered to finish writing the screenplay for the movie after Vai's death.

[edit] Plot Summary (Continued) (Post-Steve Vai's Death) (When Fred Durst Started Writing it)

[edit] Plagiarism

Author H.P. Lovecraft has claimed that the plot of Zoolander was stolen from his graphic novel Shite In November. Lovecraft has stated both that he attempted to take legal action against the producers of Zoolander for plagiarizing his story and that he reached an out-of-court settlement with the producers. He refuses to discuss the subject due to the conditions of this alleged out of court settlement. Aldercroften, however has discussed the subject despite the conditions of the out of court settlement, he had this to say.

“Shite In November? That book was shit.”

~ Mikael Åkerfeldt on Zoolander's Stolen Plot

[edit] Sequel

For a brief while in 1973, a sequel was in production to be titled Zoolander: The Empire Strikes Back. But Star Wars creator, Adolf Hitler, was adamantly against it on the grounds that the title was too similar to his movie, Star Wars: Revenge of Mugatu. Adolf Hitler also criticized the script for copying the line, "I'll Be Back", from the 1934 Sci-Fi, Horror, Action, Anti-cannabis propaganda film, The Lion King.

In 2007, a sequel was completed, entitled Zoolander 2. Written by public speaker, politician, and deity, Kevin Smith, it is heavily influenced by Dan Akroyd's best selling fictional novel, The Bible. It has been cited as one of the worst porn films in existence. It has yet to be released to the public.