Game:Zork/The Movie
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"A throng of Grues flocks to your urine-befouled trousers and devours you dead."
- Zork Narrator on Being Eaten by a Grue
It appears that the last blow was too much for you. I'm afraid that you are dead.
As you take your last breath, you feel relieved of your burdens. The feeling passes as you find yourself before the gates of Hell, where the spirits jeer at you and deny you entry. Your senses are disturbed. The objects in the dungeon appear indistinct, bleached of color, even unreal.
> examine me
You appear to be made of a translucent floating white substance. There seems to be a golden halo hovering above your head.
Contents |
[edit] Game:Zork: The Movie
It Is Coming. Just thought I'd let you know.
[edit] General Information
Date: Friday, Summer 2022, 4:17 AM
Director: Peter Jackson
Producer: Oprah
Who's Doin' It: WB
Cast includes:
- Matt Damon as You (U)
- Ben Affleck as the effeminate-looking Wizzard
- Daniel Radcliffe as that kid who plays Harry Potter
- Robin Williams as Hermit
- Jim Carrey as The Devil
- Sandra Bullock as a female Grue out to make it on her own
- James Earl Jones as The Voice of All Grues
- Morgan Freeman as God
- FINAL BOSS in a brief cameo during the shower scene
- Chris Rock as Wizzard/Pope John Paul III
- Snoop Dogg as Voice of the Dragon of Carlisle
- Leonardo DiCaprio as Prince Dashing
- Jerry Seinfeld as The Cheat
- Kool-Aid Man as himself
- Jamie Kennedy as the Grammar Nazi
- An Angel Girl as Death
Others: TBA (to be assimilated)
Music: Not by John Williams, so get those sick thoughts out of your head right now.
IF you can find a good screen capture/movie poster/snapshot/severed breast of Pamela Anderson, it would be nice of you to post it here. Though we are the official site, WB refuses to give us any. Those bitches!
[edit] The Plot
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Number Six escapes from The Village, Bruce Willis sacrifices his life to save Earth from the asteroid, Janus grows up to be Magus, you are Darth Revan with amnesia, Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are brothers, the Lord of the Flies is inside us all, Fayed detonates a nuke, Springtime for Hitler is a huge success, Lowrie fulfills the wish list, but dies, M. Bison was the killer of Chun Li's father, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
There really is none to speak of. Basically Matt Damon's charactor, U, frolics around getting eaten by many a Grue and meets many exciting people like God (Morgan Freeman) and the Devil (Jim Carrey). He also gets to kill people, who may or may not look like that kid who plays Harry Potter.
"It...should [be] fun."
- Matt Damon on Killing Harry Potter
[edit] Update #1
That's right, this is the first of many Zork: The Movie Updates right here on Uncyclopedia. This week's top news: a few chosen Uncyclopedians were the first to see the first ever trailer for Zork: The Movie. It starts off with a black screen, across which are written the words:
Have you ever been eaten, Have you ever been eaten... By a Grue? Have you ever wanted to watch a movie where someone gets repeatedly eaten... By a Grue? Zork: The Movie It Is Coming... Just thought I'd let you know.
What follows is a three-second montage of Matt Damon repeatedly being eaten and regurgitated by several Grues in quick succession, followed by U kicking Robin Williams' funny ass back to Assland. Finally, you see the silhouette of King Grue, and James Earl Jones' voice booming "you will never get out of here alive!" Then U fires the Light Cannon directly at the lens, which whites out and flashes the text "'Zork: The Movie'... Coming Winter 2022... Rated P for Pending"
[edit] Update #2
It has just been revealed today that Zork: The Movie will be rated Rated R for nudity, graphic Grue-related violence, drug use, Oprah, and more nudity. Guaranteed, this will be the best movie based off of a text-based video game ever made.
[edit] Update#3
It has been Announced that Zork: The Movie will be a mix of live action performance, claymation, and text adventure cinematography (an art form never before seen in theaters, unless you saw The Matrix). As you can see, above we have added the world's first screenshot and the (unofficially) official movie poster. The movies release date has also been undelayed to Summer 2022.
[edit] Update #4
Hi guys, Peter Jackson here. I just realized I haven't updated in a while. So yeah... that's it... Have you played Bioshock? It's pretty tight- that's all I've been doing lately. Maybe I'll make a movie about it!
[edit] See also
- Zork
- Zork: The Movie: The Game
- Zork: The Sequel: The Movie: The Game
- Zork: The Movie: The Novel
- Zork: The Novel: The Audio Cassette, as read by Helen Keller
