Death

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F.B.I [faggot boys international] WARNING: DEATH IS NOW WANTED FOR MURDER. IF YOU SEE DEATH AVOID DYING

Did you mean Emo?

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Death.

“I KILL YOU!!”

~ Achmed the dead terrorist on killing you

“If you have sex you will have babies, and you will DIE!!”

~ Health teacher on the after-effects of sex

“Nigga please”

~ Shen-long the Eternal Dragon on death being his bitch

“DEATH KILLS!”

~ Captain Obvious and his fellow campaigners for the worldwide banning of death

“I was in this band.”

~ Chuck Schuldiner

“Something you do after you live.”

~ Captain Obvious on Death.

“I'll kill you with death!”

~ Captain Obvious on Death.

“In related news, water is found to be wet.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the above quote

“And I'm on FIRE!!!!!!”

~ Johnny Storm on the above quotes

“I'm still alive, right?”

~ Captain Oblivious on having just died.

“That will cost you $5.99”

~ Walmart on Death.

“98% of people die in their lifetime.”

~ Statistics (on Death.)

“And the other 2 percent, people stop living in their lifetime.”

~ Statistics (on above quote.)

“99% of people who do die end up dying from death, the other 1% die from lack of interest.”

~ Statistics (on above quotes.)

“Death sucks!”

~ The three only members of Rush.

“Death does not exist and neither does "Yo Momma"”

~ Richard Dawkins

“Death is a black hole.”

~ Stephen Hawking

“In Communist Russia, Death kills you!”

~ Russians

“As opposed to everwhere else where you kill death and therefore live forever? What? ”

~ Random on above quote

“Yes, we have socialized it.”

~ CCCP on death

“Ha I regenerate instead of dying, oh wait ive only got one left, oh man and here i was thinking i was less mortal than humans.”

~ Doctor Who on Death

“Even when your dead I will be still alive”

~ GLaDoS on death

“KILL THEM........ FOREVEER!!!”

~ George Dubya Bush on South Park

“Fear Me!!!!”

~ Chuck Norris on his actually being Death


Death, ☭, was first discovered in 2007 minus a few centuries or so in the form of a fruit. A note that was pinned to it said "Who ever eats this succulent, mouth-watering fruit will doom humanity. Go on, try a bit. You know you want it. What are you, chicken? (Chinken noise) Go on, just a taste." Then one day, Adam and Eve came across it and ....well.
There was Adam sick and Eve sick all over the place. Things have been bad ever since. This proves death is bad.


Thou seekest death and death findeth thee.

Contents

[edit] Background

Once upon a time in a microscopic village outside of Athens ( where Emos lived ), Ohio (where Death grew up), she/he/it was found guilty of murder. A random horse-person of the apocalypse, Death (not to be confused with Mos Def) has since retired, and is unliving her/his/its unlife out on the green, though HE did not did too did not did too did not did too did enjoy her stint as Armageddon's manager and is currently under Keith Relf's - her husband of 28 years - command. Early in her career, she slept with John F. Kennedy, leading to the birth of his illegitimate son, Axl Rose of Guns N' Roses. In recent times, commonality of her image has forced her to change her stature for something different in order to attract less attention. She still does parties, however, but could not be reached for commentary regarding costs. Lawful Evil. Has some samurai-like aspects.

Death enjoys golf, baseball, warm cups of tea, reading novels by Stephen King, dark clothing, dark colours, ballet and the occasional canary. Death also enjoys eating small children, having sex with squirrels (she would do snakes, but the tongue thing they do freaks her out) long walks on Gods living room floor, and necrophelia. Although she is rarely seen outside of her new state, she sometimes makes guest appearances in her old habit, as US Senator Orrin Hatch. Death has rejected claims by others that she is goth and/or emo.



[edit] Shapes of Death

The most classic form of Death is not that of an old man holding a 12-gauge, or of a madwoman with a meat cleaver. Nor is it that time-honored guise as a cheerful, helpful person with a black robe, who always has a scythe, ready to help someone clear away the hedge/neighbor/granny. No, it is the much more sinister disguise known as: kitten. Yes, kittens are the favourite shape of death as it comes to suck up your life's essence, your soul, and your french onion soup. Always beware the approach of the deadly, furry, multi-clawed tool of destruction. Nothing can stop Death in dis guise, nothing can kill it, except for a bowling ball inscribed with "HMJ", found in the Simpson's Treehouse of Horror episode. And maybe a can of scented spray.

[edit] Incarnations of Death

Massive cock been killed by an incarnation of death.

  • Therefore: Incarnations of death are harmless.
  • Conclusion: Never Trust Anyone Who Doesn't Say He's Death®
  • Precautions to take: Kill everything cute / innocent looking around you. Kittens are especially dangerous, but they have lots of uses as well.

[edit] Death is also: the end of your life; the final shrug off the mortal coil; the best (okay, maybe not) and last thing you will ever do

You probably won't like death. This is largely because you don't expect to like it. However, if someone else dies:

  1. You might be "willed" some of their stuff.
  2. You can call dibs on their colour TV.
  3. You can then play with your new stuff.
  4. One person will be taken out of the gene pool, i.e.: more possible sex for you.
  5. They will have no children. That means that you won't have to pay as much "education" tax.
  6. They will take up less physical space, which means they will not breathe air that could be yours, and you can live in a bigger house.
  7. They won't take as much food, which means that the double cheeseburger you just ordered is ALL YOURS.
  8. You're one car length up in traffic tomorrow!
  9. There is an 80% chance they were an idiot so, hey, no harm done.
  10. Their girlfriend/boyfriend is now "open to the public". (Downside: If YOU die YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend is now "Open to the public" and in need of comforting.)
  11. If he/she was French, one less person spreading terrible smells!
  12. No more of those awkward moments when you are stealing his/her wife/husband, money, children, funk, or juicy stuff.
  13. Death is sometimes good, like when that asshole in front of you in line in the bank is COUNTING ALL OF HIS MONEY IN PENNIES.
  14. If you are starving, the dead body will satisfy your stomach and (ahem) other needs
  15. If you're in a war and all you your enemies are dead in their base, then ALL THEIR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!

[edit] World's Leading Causes of Death

Having been spooked by death and the uncertainty about existence following it, governments have taken to studying the causes of death. (At first they used witchcraft, and then masturbation, before settling on asking people at funerals how the guest of honor died. Nowadays, they pounce on doctors and guro specialists, and occasionally on each other. Or they look in fortune cookies.)

Group Cause  Percent 
of
deaths 		 Deaths per 100,000 per year 
    All       Male   Female
laughter watching a fat kid falling over and laughing to death 100.00A lotMostSome
Apocalypse SPARTNS!!!!!! 29.34268.8278.3259.4
Ghetto Drive-by shootings (% hits are less than .001) 19.12175.2185.1165.1
Ghetto 50 Cent 12.64115.8121.4110.1
Obvious Capitalism 123.551153.21243.9933.7
Natural Falling from a Hummer H1 12.49114.4126.9101.7
Disease Super Ronald Syndrome 9.6688.581.495.6
Time Travel Going back in time and killing yourself 8.6678.571.485.6
Stupidity Being Sat On By A Giant Frog 7.9673.774.872.5
Natural Raped by Madonna 6.9563.763.863.5
Stupidity trying to watch a bullet come out of a gun 6.9563.763.563.8
A Hero Wii incident 6.8162.262.262.2
An Hero Being Hit With A Sword By Your Own Party Member In A Tragic Case Of Mistaken Identity 6.8162.262.262.2
An Hero Being Beaten to a Pulp By Your Fellow Party Members 6.8162.262.262.2
Crime "Pow"ed in Iran 6.8162.262.262.2
Sex Death by crushed Pelvises 6.6061.871.156.9
Gun Shot Blown up with up to 6 or 7 other people in a bazooka explosion 6.3455.863.355.8
Natural Snakes on a Plane 6.2357.073.740.2
Old Age Living over 9000 years or losing your marbles, or both. 5.4959.561.157.9
War World of Warcraft 4.8744.646.245.0
Torture Listening to a 47-minute version of Freebird in the key of G by Deep South Death Metal band called Racehorse Piss. 4.5644.246.144.7
Foolishness Being a Dirty Rotten Snich 4.5644.246.144.7
War Saddam's non-existent weapons of mass destruction 4.3743.643.242.0
Hunting Going hunting with your drunk friend and with Dick Cheney. 8.3745.650.012.2
Pedicides Stubbing your toe. 2.6422.278.02.5
Wands Accidentally casting magic while drunk. (For Instance Voldemort) 2.6422.278.52.0
Suicide Like when two big guys walk up to you in a prison shower. 2.02.002.002.00
Screwing up Especially when you were told not to screw up. 1.001.001.001.00
Money/An Hero Making stupid loans and starving as result 0.6412.20.50.7

Source: World Health Organization, 2004, when having fun over beer and marijuana.

[edit] Symptoms of death

  • Craving for screwing a snails
  • Meeting the acquaintance of certain unpleasantly slimy worms and bugs
  • Your head being separted from your body
  • A slight tingling sensation
  • Internal organs becoming external organs
  • Losing your score and having to wait 90 seconds before respawning.
  • Losing a life
  • Seeing a Game Over screen
  • Implosive Diarrhea
  • Explosive Farting
  • Necrophiliacs being attracted to you
  • Inexplicable dandruff (again, debatable)
  • Some people say your nose keeps growing, but that's a myth. It's actually commencing the launch sequence.
  • Sexual reluctance
  • A tendency towards rotting
  • Experiencing a Brainsplurge
  • Tendency to become quiet, withdrawn and buried underground.
  • Loss of appetite
  • Feelings of discomfort
  • Eternal damnation
  • Being pronounced dead
  • Semi-eternal damnation (like a trip to a really smelly nursing home)
  • Reading Wikipedia (and actually enjoying it)
  • Lack of Penis (Only applies to males and messed up females)
  • Small red dot, or "laser sight" visible on clothing
  • Numbness
  • In extreme cases, death
  • Large all encompassing white light
  • A rotting smell
  • You live in Barnstaple
  • Raining Fire, massive flooding, locusts, bloody bats, demons, and more Leslie Nielson movies
  • Inability to live
  • Sufficient weight loss and, in cases of decomposition, uber weight loss (death is a good way for obese or "fatty" people to lose weight)
  • Sudden curing of the habit of consuming oxygen
  • Waking up in a morgue
  • Waking up deadish
  • Notable decrease in social interaction.
  • Lack of Internet access
  • Saggy tits (applies to men only and Janet Jackson)
  • Lack of motor skills
  • Your family getting insurance money
  • People stop making jokes about video game lingo, and you feel great, and the world becomes dreamlike, as if you were just born.
  • Unexplainable pitchfork in ass
  • Urge to feast on human brain (only applicable to people experiencing zombie like situations pre-death such as voodoo sufferers, hex targets, and sunday mass goers)
  • You suddenly notice that you're burning (does not apply if having sex)
  • Noticing that you have an urge to watch The Gilmore Girls and eat fudge.
  • Decapitation in an elevator door
  • Your barbeque exploding
  • Holding a grenade for more than one minute
  • Being in the presence of Chuck Norris
  • All of a sudden your meals have very large portions, and you don't get full
  • A blanket is inexplicably over your head
  • Realizing you were a dumb ass
  • Being anywhere near a grue
  • Being somewhere near a grue
  • Being nowhere near a grue
  • Spontaneous Combustion
  • Inhaling at bottom of pool
  • Asking the mafia to Drop you off somewhere.
  • Seeing the light at the end of a tunnel, and being dumb enough to walk into it.
  • Dying
  • Shitting in bed at the end of a meal
  • Fucking with a duck
  • It is dark outside
  • You are asleep
  • Explosive sneezing
  • Explosive periods
  • Explosive spitting
  • Explosive fucking
  • Explosive picking of your nose
  • Non explosive explosions that explode implodingly
  • Seeing a skeleton with an agricultural implement & wearing a black cloak

[edit] Ways of Preventing Death

Avoid 20-Sided Die
Avoid 20-Sided Die
  • Avoid life at all costs.
  • Don't breathe air. Seriously. Everyone born before 1870 breathed the substance at some point in their life and every one of them is dead today. A coincidence? I think not.
  • Don't drink water. Grim will take out your insides with a yellow fluid flowing towards your intestines through either a femenine or masculine genitalia. Scientists are tricking into thinking this is only a simple thing called "urination" but do not fall for it. Do not die!
  • Same reason for not injecting dihydrogen monoxide!!!! IT KILLS!!
  • Do not run. Running makes your heart go faster. Fast hearted people have all ended up lying down on a bed breathing heavily.Is it part of exercise, or is it Death's Strategy?
  • Don't go outside. Just stay indoors your entire life and make no contact with the outside world. Also, try to pick a spot that won't likely have a car crash into it or will catch fire.
  • Don't stay at home. 100% of all household accidents happen inside the home
  • Don't sleep, most people die in bed.
  • Don't close your eyes, this may lead to sleep.
  • Get plenty of rest, most people need at least 8 hours of sleep. Those who don't get the sleep they need are more accident-prone.
  • Bathe in the tears of baby Jesus.
  • Use magic to kill death. (Remember that death leaves after taking 100 hp)
  • Pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  • Build a customised Wal Mart and live in a sterile environment for the rest of your life. This is called the 'Bubble Theorem' — clinically proven to ruin your life. There is a drawback, however. Users may suffer from mental problems after an average of 40 minutes in the bubble due to limited interaction with the outside world. This should in no way directly affect longevity. The concept behind this: quantity over quality.
  • Become a non-corporeal entity and ascend to a higher level of existence. Prayer might actually help with this. Also, pleading with aliens from the pentagon.
  • You could always try to look for Palpatine.
  • Stay away from the tall grass. Those Pokemon are some crazy motherfuckers.
  • Cryogenically freeze yourself. (If cryogenics are not cheap enough yet, try your freezer.)
  • Positive thinking.
  • Be in a K-serial.
  • Kick Adrian Lozano in the balls
  • Smoke Crack and worship Satan
  • Suicide; you can't die if you're already dead.
  • Hit yourself with a bat in the crotch
  • Make a wild jump in the air and land on Pedro Iga`s balls with the metal boots of Zelda.
  • Make Michael santos cry(very easy)
  • Masturbation.
  • Join Voldemort.
  • Being on Santa's nice list.
  • Don't piss off Chuck Norris.
  • Press Alt + F4
  • Avoid being born. A bit obvious, isn't it?
  • Have a White Mage in your party at all times.
  • Soulstone yourself every 30mins
  • Roll Shaman
  • Become a zombie, well, technically you have to die first for this, but it's only temporary, the only things you then have to worry about are your limbs rotting off and anyone with Van Helsing/ Ving Rhames in their name.
  • Move at 99.9999999999999% the speed of light at all times.
  • Quicksave before the start of a new level, as there is no autosave.
  • Circumcise yourself with butter knives while watching midget porn.
  • Ctrl-Alt-Del.
  • Eat Chick-Fil-A on Sunday, the forbidden day!
  • Smoke marijuana and lift weights; even death can't beat a buff stoner.
  • Go gay and death will be either too scared to go near you or want you more.
  • Start Banana-ing the platypus (wrap crystal meth and marijuana in some toilet paper, dip it in Tylenol and then eat it)
  • Befriend MRSA
  • be sure not to swallow 3-foot rulers
  • Ask somebody who has died plenty of times how they think you could avoid dying
  • find 7 dragonballs and wish for a 4 pack of life
  • beat the shit out of your cat
  • don't go anywhere near an office stapler
  • Be an old soldier, that way, you'll just fade away.
  • Find all the heart containers.
  • Feed your soul to your dog(if you don't have a dog get one).
  • Get blessed by Chuck Norris.
  • Praise The Great Arch Foodle, Lord of the Sacred Crotch.
  • Bow down to Gene Simmons.
  • Pray for mercy from Zakk Wylde and Ozzy Osbourne at the same time while biting the head off a bat and/or a dove. simple.
  • Your balls are donated 'secretly' to Ryan Seacrest.
  • Catch a fairy in an empty bottle
  • Speeking to a gay....... It'll make sense next season...
  • Reading darren shan

But the most surefire way of preventing death is the following: Find and collect any of the following: an exact replica of your face or head, a trademark piece of clothing that you constantly wear, your personal logo, or a green-spotted mushroom. Items such as these can either be found unprotected or in a container (such as a box, block, bubble, or monitor).

Such items are also usually found in places that can only be reached by wall-jumps, secret passages/ladders/vines, consecutive jumps, summoning the ghost of Thomas Jefferson, and other needlessly annoying and repetitive jumping maneuvers. There may also be the occasional box above your head with a question mark on it. If you see one out in the open, you are advised to stay away from it, as it is most likely a trap which will cause you to die instead. However, if you are a daredevil or otherwise stupid person, you may attempt to grab it only if you are prepared to run like hell from anything you could possibly think of. If you are unsuccessful, and death is imminent, be sure that, at all costs, you must obtain the item immediately preceding death. As a result, you will spontaneously respawn in a nearby location, none worse for the wear.

Upon collection, one or more of the following strange phenomena should occur: a pleasant chime or a short-riff of your theme song playing from no discernible source or the characters "1-up" spontaneously materializing and vanishing.

If none of these items are accessible to you (n00b), there is an alternative method available to cheat death. If you look around, you should notice conspicuous, floating items that are all of a similar quality (i.e., featureless coins, rings, triangular chips). They are often colored gold to signify their importance. The aforementioned method to avoiding death is to collect exactly 100 of these items. It is important that you do not touch anything even potentially dangerous in the process, as you risk losing all amassed items in one fell swoop. Once you have collected 100 of these items, the same phenomena which occur upon collecting one of the all-powerful items you were too lazy and/or weak to get should occur. Additionally, you may suddenly lose all 100 of the items you collected, but don't fret, because when this happens, it is only a confirmation that it has worked, effectively shielding you from death.

If you all of a sudden die in a freak accident and then wake up a minute before that freak accident occured, you're and whoever else would be dead are still going to die a horrible and painful death even if you cheat that moment. There is a series of A&E Biographies on a kid that this happened to called Final Destination 1, 2, and 3 respectively.

[edit] Phrases spoken before death

“'I have achieved IMMORTALITY!' ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Death

{{Q|'This is madness!' |The man at th ebottom of the big death hole in Sparta “I am not afraid to keep on living”

~ Gerard Arthur Way of MCR before dying of a heart attack from the flash of a camera of a concealed paparazzi. on Death

“I shall live and die at the same time, then I can't die, but I'm still alive.”

~ Schroedinger's Cat on death

“I REGRET NOTHING! I HAVE LIVED WHERE FEW MEN HAVE DARED TO DREAM!”

~ random ass religious grunt in RVB on death

“So... death eh... interesting...”

~ Cab on quoting to much Oscar Wilde

“I think I'm becoming a god!”

~ some Roman emperor that my history teacher told me about

“NO NO I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANAL SEX!”

~ Euronymous on Varg Vikernes as he "stabs" him

“Oh Look... I'm Dead!”

~ Captain Obvious on Being disembowled

“GAME OVER”

~ The Army Of Videogame Consoles on Before Invading Utah

“Agh!”

~ Murder victim on dying

“Suppose it's dead?”

~ Hiker on sleeping bears

I wonder what this button does..... NO Wait if I press this button now all logicality in sitcom moments declare that I shall die in an amuzing and budget expending way. No I shall not press this button and no-one can make me. (Two minutes later he is hit by a giant meteorite that kills only him because it's so small it was unrecognizable as a meteorite, in that case I should probably just call it a piece of rock. In fact this piece of rock could have just flung up from a passing car and struck him in the brain instead of the totally unbelievable incident of a meteorite being so small that it's unrecognizable from a rock that had been struck up from a car and the fact that the small meteorite SOMEHOW found its way right to that man and only that man and to strike him in the brain). (We are all clear that he's dead though aren't we? Good, just checking).

[edit] Ways of soliciting a relationship with Death.

Should you ever find that you're looking for more stability, but you find yourself too awesome to commit suicide, you can bait death into a healthy relationship through one of the following, more impressive methods:

  • Going to Zimbabwe.
  • Going to (not so) Great Britain
  • Piss a mod or admin.
  • Touching a poisoned swing set.
  • Fighting a Robocop with a stick. Whether you have the stick or the Robocop has the stick is irrelevant.
  • Joining the navy.
  • Say you are the Lord Jesus Christ and that the only way to get to heaven is a blowjob and a couple bucks.
  • Deep flossing
  • Joining a cult.
  • Attempt to eat a shotgun...a loaded shotgun
  • Being where it is pitch black.
  • Hunting with Dick Cheney.
  • Depict Mohammed in a political cartoon
  • Question Al Gore.
  • Challenge a ninja
  • Being ganked on World of Warcraft
  • Insufficient Masturbation
  • Excessive Masturbation
  • Steal a suicide bomber's virgins.
  • Playing in traffic.
  • Bum-rush Chuck Norris.
  • Wannna die happily? Drink alcohol. Once you get drunk you will go to heaven. Don't believe me? Once drunk, you will fall asleep and when you are asleep you do not do anything wrong (except wet the bed). So nothing wrong was done, where other place would you go? Heaven. Die well and get drunk!
  • Nasal Masturbation with a pencil.
  • Craigslist

[edit] Having a Funeral

After you have died, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" whihc continues to grow and will only stop when the people are to far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.

A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally unadvised as it has been shown that such cereomonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I am sorry that your relative and/or co-worker has died". If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that his or her soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different (evil) religions use. There is a rumour that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.

At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day (29th November 2007) funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. (Well, it might have started at bar mitzvahs, graduations, and kinky sex festivals, but it's certainly metastized to funerals.) It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond (and rather fake) memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favorite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.

Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.

[edit] Life After Death

Over the course of history, many evil people have questioned the nature of what happens after Death. In recent years, it has become widely accepted in the Scientific Community that 60% of all human beings will go to the Christian Hell after Death. The remaining 30% will probably go to hell as well, making the concept of death a dirty, dirty paradox.The last ten percent will be stuck on earth for the rest of there lives . These misled people include politicians, oil executives, annoying red links that don't work and Homeless people. The Muslim hell, which is black as coal and which takes a rock 72 years to fall through, isn't available because demons have trouble finding their way around. There is also a Jewish Hell, but that's just Jerusalem's old garbage dump shifted into another dimension. Heaven also exists, but so far Disney owns it and wants to turn it into Afterlife Disneyland.

[edit] And finally...

To put this extremely long article in shorter, more scientific terms, death is fun which is why we die all the time. Watch out for an hero, however.

[edit] See also

I Kill YOU DEAD! -DEATH die

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