Geology
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“Rock on!”
~ National Institute of Cool Geologists on rocks
“Geology Rocks!”
~ Archduke Franz Ferdinand on rocks
“4.6 billion years of bullshit”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Earth's history
“The big bang definately killed the dinosaurs”
~ A wise physicist
Geology (from Bushman - Geo meaning Rock and logy meaning masturbation) is devotion to the study of the Rock, its composition, properties, history, and processes of formation. Petroleum Geology however looks at the holes within rock rather than the rocks themselves, so a petroleum geologist doesn't actually look at the rocks, just the cold, dark voids of nothingness within them.
The study of actual rock(s), has made Geology one of the most iconic professions and desired lifestyles, envied by all other mineralogists. Geologists, known for their voracious drinking and lifestyles, have been the subject of many popular, films, novels and college courses. Geologists are most classically portrayed as larger than life figures in pop culture known for their often excessive and unwieldy hair and habits such as flatulence, promiscuity and acts of random violence. The lives of geologists are often even more fascinating than the rock(s) which they study.
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[edit] Questions Of Geology
Geologists aspire to resolve the nine pillars of geology:
- What is it?
- How Old is it?
- Where did it come from?
- Is there oil in it?
- Is this rock delicious?
- Where is the next pub?
- Does the pub serve traditional real ales?
- Where's my red colouring pencil gone?
- Where am I?
These are the questions on which Geologists base their colourful, meaningful lives, drinking and resolving in equal measure.
[edit] The Science of Geology
Geology is the study of all solid matter on Earth (including ice) from the exception of animals, humans and German people. In fact, geology can also be the study of solid matter in space and so in actual fact, geology is the study of everything. However, geologists are rarely clever enough to know everything as so geology is broken down into several scientific fields such as physics, chemistry, planetary astronomy etc.
Geology was first invented in Scotland on March 14th, 1764 when James Hutton and Sir Charles Lyell picked up a rock (most likely a lump of quartz) on the beach and realised that it was different from the several hundred lumps of sandstone that were scattered across their mantlepiece. An instant shock, Lyell felt the need to write several hundred books about his discoveries, which creationists to this day still laugh and giggle about. In his first book 101 Things I Bet You Never Knew About Rock, he claimed that all rock originated from volcanoes, an important theory that provides the basis for all geological laws today.
Sir Phillip Drift later discovered that the surface of the earth is continually in motion and had the Continental Drift Theory named in his honour in 1912. From this came the discovery of the East African Rift and mid-ocean ridges when the Atlantic Mid-Ocean Ridge was also discovered accidentally in 1912 when divers were searching the ocean floor for remains of the RMS Titanic. Since then, all geology has revolved around oil and other hydrocarbons as studying the crystal lattice structure of a quartz crystal isn't going to make anyone a millionaire quickly, is it?
[edit] Geologists' Ties to Crack Rocks
Geologists' studies of differing rocks and their uses has naturally involved the study of Crack Rocks, and its affects on the human mind. This has led to many experiments on test subjects ranging from lab mice, weasels, badgers, kittens, bears, and college students. It was discovered soon after by scientists doing a parallel study on stupidity that the Geology scientists were using University funds to give poor college students free crack cocaine. This caused the University to take the crack from the college students and divide it among the faculty almost equally; it was almost equal because the Math professors were the only ones who knew how to divide and took more for themselves, those bastards.
The data from the experiments produced several conclusions.
1. College Students using Crack Cocaine made significantly lower grades in every class but Art. It was theorized that all Art Majors were crack heads to begin with.
2. The Bears immediately started migration into urban areas in the hopes of finding and eating crackheads to get high.
3. The Kittens who were on the affects of Crack Cocaine gave a significantly more powerful high when huffed, thought they still did not fuck you up NEARLY as hard as the non-crack influenced orange ones. See Kitten Huffing.
4. Geologists sure as hell don't know how to spend University money. The student body, however, thinks they rock!
[edit] Types of Geology
- Structural geology - This pile of rubble I'm climbing on doesn't seem structurally stable. Ooh, is that a glacial erratic? Try hitting it with your rock hammer- ARGGGGG!!!
- Volcanology - Holy balls, the composition of this basaltic lava flow is solidifying at an exceptional- ARRGGGG!!!!
- Palaeontology - The fossil remains of this skeleton? Hmmmm, Neolithic I would say...
- Situationist Geology- Those people who speak of geology and rock struggle without referring to eveyday reality have a corpse in their mouth
- Sedimentology - Silt has a nice toothpaste texture when you taste it, but the larger grain size in sand gives it a gritty texture.
- Evolution - This cat your grace, it used to be a dog...
- Field Geology - Oilseed rape grows in this field due to a favourable soil pH from the underlying rocks. *yawn*
- Creationism - .....
[edit] Big Dogs of Geology
- Charles Lyell, Kings College London - 1830's
- James Nicol, University of Aberdeen - 1853 - 1879
- Steve Guttenberg, Oxford University - 1987 - present
- Ben Geldeard, Oxford University - 2005 - present
- Mr. Green, Sir Thomas Richs - 1995 - present
- Chris Evans, Anywhere but home - 1990BC - present
- The Rock (Can you smell what he's cooking? A crinoid covered in cheese that's what!), Your mum - 4.5Billion BC - present
[edit] Small, Insignificant Dogs of Geology
- Alex Toogood, Oxford University - 2005 - present
