Glaucoma

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Glaucoma (glaw-coe-muh) is a fictional disease, most notable for inducing the hallucination of being blind. Up to the twentieth century most medical professionals did believe that the victims did indeed go blind, but as was discovered when Kermit the frog got over his bout of Glaucoma (inducing the mania that swept the nation when he returned to act in 1996 on Broadway in Hamlet. It was then realized that one: victims only hallucinate their illness, and two; recovery is possible.

[edit] Notable Victims

Ray Charles

Due to his massive practice of the Dark Arts, Ray was becoming a threat to humanity. As punishment for this, God made him think he was blind to stop his spree of destruction. This caused Ray to rethink his life, and turn to the decidedly less-evil trade of piano playing. In the end, Ray Charles became an inspiration to people everywhere.

Ray, one of the few successful victims of this terrible, yet fake, disease.

Oscar Wilde

One day whilst huffing kittens, Oscar realised that he could no longer see said kitten, and therefore could no longer huff. This caused him great distress, and so he traveled about the world, searching for the cause of his affliction. It was during these travels that Oscar discovered himself, literally. In a smoky Versailles cabernet, Oscar happened upon the original Oscar Wilde, leading him to the conclusion that he was simply one of many clones. This stunning revelation unfortunately caused his head to a splode.

Jimbo Wales

After Gathering the Dragon Balls, James wished for a way to conquer the earth. He got his evil wish in the form of the Factory of Lies, which was originally banished to the Nether-Realm by Oscar Wilde. When Batman learned of this new threat, he immediatley reported it to His Superiors. They were busy, so he had to handle the situation. After an exceptionally long and bat-themed battle, the Caped Crusader was victorious, leaving Jimbo helpless and blinded, completely unaware of his part in the evil that almost was.

Kermit the Frog

Kermit the Frog (frog/actor/talk show host/philanthropist/comedian/orphan/film critic/time traveler/frog/director/author/film writer/and green) thought his acting career was over when he was diagnosed with glaucoma on August 4th, 1993. However, in February 1995, using his ability to go into the future, he traveled to the year 2375 to find a cure, recovered from the horrible disease, and traveled back to 1996 since he had a bad feeling about 1995. When asked by the medical field about what to do about the disease, he is reported to have said "not my problem, hehehe." So far Kermit the Frog is the only being in existence known to have escaped the clutches of glaucoma.

[edit] Known Causes

There are several known causes for Glaucoma, including:

feeble-mindedness
personal tragedy
being or being related to a ginger
Death.

[edit] Areas Most Afflicted

Delaware

This is largely due to it's close proximity to New Jersey, which is widely regarded as the worst place to live in the United States.

Hollywood

The general conduct of certain individuals

Areas populated by, located near, and under the control of Gingers.

[edit] Cures/Controversy

Many attempts have been made over the years, but most had the unfortunate side-effect of hemophilia, necrophilia and in some rare cases an outcome too horrible to imagine. Most of the suggested cures have been dismissed by the medical community as "retarded" by Albert Einstein and "Nitwit, blubber, oddment and tweak" by Proffessor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Jebediah Obadiah ObLaDi ObLaDa Zachariah MacZeppelin Dumbledore. The following is an overview of several famous "cures."

The Hortin Deception

In 1865 Dr. Brandy Hortin declared to the medical community that he had discovered the cure to glaucoma. At a press confrence a week later, he revealed it to be coral covered in mustard. Dr. Hortin stated that ingesting one piece of coral every 10 seconds for two weeks was the only way to cure glaucoma. Two weeks later several bodies were found outside Captain Ahab's Seafood and Grill. Shortly after, Dr. Hortin was disbarred from the medical field and that same year sentenced to death by interpretive dance for the death of the men.

[edit] The Eye Beams Conspiracy

Since the year 2000, a HUGE misconception has been circulating (due mostly to false stories being printed in petty tabloids) that by being blasted in the eyes with concentrated discarges of light energy through the eyes, glaucoma is reversed. The only real fault with this "cure", per say, is that being an imaginary state of mind, Glaucoma can only be done away with when the victim believes it has.