Lawyer
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“To some lawyers, all facts are created equal.”
~ Mark Twain on Lawyers
“The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.”
~ Phil Osophy on Lawyers
“OBJECTION!”
~ Phoenix Wright on Lawyers
“Small blood sucking parasite - See also 'Flea'”
~ Garfield on Lawyers
“You can always tell when a lawyer is lying when you see his lips moving.”
~ Winston Churchill on Lawyers
“Wow. After everything my lawyer said, I'm starting to believe I didn't kill Paul. ”
~ Client on Lawyers
The Lawyer (Saurus mendicatus) is an omnipresent species of parasite known only to feast upon the vitality of human beings, and, alteratively, governments or corporations. Its long, fattened evolutionary history has produced in the Lawyer a propensity for an unsavory activity called litigation. Much as regular people rely upon a twisted few to collect bovine sperm samples, most human beings are so understandably averse to litigation as to leave the Lawyer with a lucrative monopoly with his hand up Justice's ass.
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[edit] Common Characteristics
The Lawyer may be recognised by his freshly ironed starched white shirt, long black pants, silk power tie, and a strange tendency to constantly compliment everyone he comes into contact with while simultaneously charging them a small one-time consultation fee of around $147. Like the mosquito, the Lawyer absconds with his blood-meal very often before the host has even realized it has been stolen. Unlike the mosquito, however, which at worst may give you malaria, Lawyers may expose you to unusually high titers of poison gas, huge electrical voltages, or non-therapeutic intravenous injections. Lawyers have an uncanny ability to defend the innocense of criminals and terrorists whom they would not come within 20 feet of themselves. Lawyers have a very confused understanding of free speech: that free speech is free only if it does not offend them or their clients, whereas violating common decency, or compromising national security, is permissible. A lawyer's worst fear is that somebody, somewhere in the universe, is happy, wealthy, reputable, and getting something productive done. An interesting enigma surrounding lawyerdom is that despite lawyers' notorious greed and guile and all-around sociopathy, at the end of the day they write checks to liberal causes, because after all, lawyers "care about people...especially their most loyal patrons".
Typical habitats for Lawyers are courthouses, hospital emergency rooms, bars (they only pass one in their entire lives), and—according to frequent reports—at the bottom of the ocean. They are also known for being caught and trained as evil villains for the Church of Scientology.
When a lawyer is about to attack, you will hear sounds coming from its anal region that sound like one or more of the following words:
- "Precedent"
- "Certiorari"
- "Standing"
- "Damages"
- "Marmalade"--this attack call is, by far, the worst.
- "Objection!"
- "Additur hell! Just get my fee!"
If you find one neck-deep in sand, you need more sand. Wonderbaums will not cure their obnoxious smell. In fact, it might only excite them.
Its not exactly a well kept secret that all lawyers are cunts, while they are notoriously difficult to behead with nail scissors i can assure you that it is possible.
[edit] Common Uses of Lawyers
Lawyers, being the vicious parasitic vermin that they are, are often used by humans as biological weapons. A peculiar aspect of lawyer warfare is that, when attacked with lawyers, one cannot retaliate with force, as doing so will result in a far worse attack of lawyers. Instead, one must retaliate with a lawyer attack. Lawyers are also used as a method of solving deep-seated disputes among humans. Traditionally, such disputes were settled by duels to the death. However, lawyer warfare is generally slower, more painful, more expensive, and more dangerous, causing the government to favor it as the primary method of conflict resolution.
[edit] Practical Uses of Lawyers
Changeing the riches diapers. When you want to sue your slutty aunt for the cash she owes you. Filling up empty space and creating enough hot air for a hot air balloon to fly across the earth for years.
[edit] Scientific Analysis of Lawyers
Lawyers are predatory animals, and, unlike other predators, which attack only the smallest and weakest animals, lawyers prefer to devour the creatures having the most money.
Lawyers thrive in the most dangerous ecosystems, especially ones full of crime, personal injuries, and general unrest. Lawyers also tend to be attracted to the scent of shitty marriages, where there is likely to be prey. Psychiatrists, zoologist, and even astrobiologists have studied lawyers for decades, but little about their behavior is understood. It is believed by geneticists that lawyers are evolved from fungi, but this is only a hypothesis, and will remain unproven until a large-scale scientific study is funded and live lawyers are dissected for analysis.
[edit] Survivors' reports
- A lawyer parked his Mercedes on the side of a busy city street. He opened his door, and a passing vehicle slammed into it, tearing the door off. The lawyer angrily dialed 911. When the police officer showed up, the lawyer began describing what happened, while the officer merely folded his arms and shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe you lawyers. You're so materialistic, you didn't even realize that that your left arm was ripped off along with your car door!" The lawyer looked at the bloody stump where his left arm used to be. "Fuck! My Rolex!" he cried, blood pouring from the now useless stump. He collapsed, still in shock whilst the life drained from him, leaving him white. Suddenly tired, he closed his eyes to the indifferent world, and in his last thoughts hoped that a better one was possible. He died on the side of that road. The lawyer's estate successfully sued Rolex for creating an abnormally heavy watch, which in turn resulted in his car door flipping open more quickly then he intended.
- A rich old guy was about to die. He summoned his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. He handed them each a stack of bills totaling $25,000, and instructed them to place the cash in his casket at his funeral. The day of the funeral comes, and the doctor, priest, and lawyer were having drinks when the priest broke down and confessed that he only put $15,000 in the casket, keeping the rest to donate to the local orphanage. The doctor then admitted that he only put $20,000 in the casket, keeping the rest as a donation to the children's hospital. The lawyer, in a fit of indignation, said, "I absolutely can't believe that you two would do such a thing. How disrespectful to the dead - breaking such a solemn promise! What example does this set for the children, the leaders of tomorrow? The humanity!!" Upon being asked by the doctor and priest if he put the entire $25,000 in the casket, the lawyer answered, "Ahhh my Arm!!! AHHHH MY ROLEX!!! AAHH...oh wrong joke.
- The same lawyer, priest and doctor were on a small charter flight that crashed into a small deserted island. Fortunately, the mainland was a relatively short swim away. Unfortunately, on surveying the waters, the three survivors noted a number of shark fins circling in the waters between the island and the mainland. The survivors drew straws for who would undertake the perilous task, and the lawyer got the short straw. He splashed into the waters and began swimming for the mainland. Amazingly, he was not eaten; instead, the sharks formed two lines framing the path of the lawyer's swim. The priest immediately exclaimed that it was a miracle sent from God. "Far from it," replied the doctor. "It is merely an example of professional courtesy."
- A minivan went over a cliff with six lawyers in it. When he got to the scene of the crime, the police chef saw his sergeant crying, and asked him what the problem was. The sergeant said: "There were two empty seats."
- One lawyer had a sign at his desk saying '$250 to answer three questions.' A said, " Can I sit down?" The lawyer said, "Yes." The client said, "Isn't $250 a bit expensive for three questions?" The lawyer replied "Yes - and what's your third question?"
- A Priest, a Boy Scout, and a Lawyer where on a small plane flying to Hawaii. The Pilot of the plane runs out of the cockpit and opens up the side door and tells everyone "The engines are dead, the plane will soon crash, there are only three parachutes on this plane and I just took one and I will soon jump out. Leaving only two left for all three of you." The pilot jumps out. The Boy Scout says he should get a parachute because he is still young. The Priest says he should get a parachute because he does God's work. The lawyer grabbed one of the parachutes and jumped out of the plane saying "I'm a lawyer, I'm smarter than both of you and the world needs lawyers, not Boy Scouts and not Priests." Then the Priest says to the Boy Scout "Son, take the last parachute, God will guide this plane down without crashing for me." Then the Boy Scout says "Father we both can take a parachute because that lawyer grabbed my backpack thinking it was a parachute." Anyway the Lawyer's estate sued the Pilot, Priest, Boyscout, and Airline for not properly labeling the parachutes and the backpack maker for making it look like a parachute.
- Did you hear the one about the Muslim terrorists who hijacked a plane full of lawyers? They threatened to release the lawyers unless the ransom was paid in full.
- You have just fallen down a well along with a rapist, a murderer and a lawyer, you have a shotgun and two shells left. Who should you shoot?
The lawyer...twice.
- Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Actually, they do - and they should.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
One is a highly educated professional who strives to make the world a better place—The other is a Lawyer.
- What's the difference between a vulture and a female lawyer? Nailpolish.
- If 15,320 lawyers were at the bottom of the ocean, what would you have? A piss-poor start.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottomfeeder, and the other one is a fish!
- What do you call a starship carrying a thousand lawyers into a black hole? A good start.
- What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? Skeet.
- Why do lawyers wear neckties? To stop the foreskin from creeping up their necks.
- What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are somethings even pigs won't do
- What is the difference between the devil and a lawyer? One is out to cause evil, pain and suffering, the other is the devil.
[edit] In Chess
There is also a piece called a lawyer in the game chess. When a player announces that one of his pieces has become "the client," the lawyer piece assumes the traditional role of "il parasiti," accompanying the "client" piece around the board. A piece attended by a lawyer may not be captured without a valid arrest warrant, and any attempt by the opposition to prevent that piece from capturing the King may result in a substantial fine and Rule 11 sanctions for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Any disputes involving the client piece may be removed to a separate board occupied entirely by lawyer pieces which players maneuver for strategic advantage while the client piece steadily loses money. This sub-game often takes years to resolve, and occasionally results in the client piece's suicide. Lawyer pieces are not liable for negligence if this occurs. See, e.g., Meyer v. Maus, 2001 N.D. LEXIS 101,*, 2001 ND 87, 626 N.W.2d 281.
For games played under the International Chess Federation's "Italian Rules," any player with a firearm may shoot the lawyer piece, permanently removing it from the board.
[edit] See also
[edit] Watch out
“When I, a lawyer, finds out who wrote this, you will be sued.”
