Light bulb

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Maybe reading this is not such a good idea.

“How much does a light bulb weigh? Not very much.”

~ Captain Obvious

A light bulb is a device which allows men to deprive themselves of sleep while exhaustively researching for articles on Uncyclopedia.

A common misconception about light bulbs is that they emit light, when, in fact, they absorb darkness. This myth is mostly spread by hardcore Christians, although the Catholic Church and most Protestant churches have taken no stance on the issue. The Eastern Orthodox Church has sided with the scientists, and its followers tend to support them on the issue. What the supporters of the emission theory use as proof is that light bulbs get hot when they are on. Thomas Edison's associate Charles Dickson explained in an early edition of Popular Mechanics that the heat comes from the friction of the darkness entering the glass. Dickson even referred to an interview with the New York Times where Edison explains the darkness absorption. Unfortunately, the issue with the interview has been lost over time, so there is no proof that Edison approved this theory. However, Scientists almost unanimously agree with the absorption theory, so it is considered scientific fact. This does not make the emission theory wrong, but it falls outside of the realm of science.

They are also known as light globes, light corms, light balloons, light jugs, light Walid Jumblatts, and the 3rd Light Cavalry Regiment, and are the main source of nutrients for Catholics on Fridays, when they must abstain from eating meat.

[edit] How They Work

What they REALLY do with dead fluorescent bulbs.

The precise workings of light bulbs are unknown outside the Amish community, although it is rumored that the energy is derived from the suffering of kittens, hence the well known saying, "Every time you turn on a light, an angel gets its wings and then kills a kitten".

This explanation is controversial, however, as many people instead believe that the bulbs are powered by the pure evil that emanates from the breast implants of Britney Spears. Still others believe that the bulbs' mystic power has something to do with duct tape, Michael Jackson, or a novel application of the Slim Shady Algorithm.

Another possibility that science is waking up to is Pixie Science's explanation of how pixies make lightbulbs work. Although not yet widely recognized these theories have gained some support over the last few years.

“Ah! My inspiration!”

~ Gerard Way, My Commercial Romance frontman on light bulbs

[edit] Installation

The immense complexity of a light bulb renders it nearly impossible for a single person to install. Successful installation often requires the help of numerous individuals, the precise number of which depends upon your nationality, hair color, career, religious affiliation, race, and degree of sexual promiscuity. A basic list showing the number of persons required to screw in a light bulb is shown below.

[edit] Number of Individuals Required for Installation:

The earliest extant reference to light bulb installation is this cave writing in Merde, France, which translates: How many Neanderthals it take to change light bulb? None! They not have fire!

Nations
5	Irish	One to hold the light bulb, and four to die of potato famine.
-	Soviet Russia	In Soviet Russia, light bulb screws YOU!!!
Juan	Mexicans	AGAERLBARGLEHAESL
11	Brazilians	chances are the bulb will break while they try to kick it to its slot
20³²	Kittenolivians	"Every time you turn on a light, an angel gets its wings and then kills a kitten".
Occupations
4	Country singers	One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah!" and throw his hat in the air.
-	Microsoft employees	None, Bill Gates will make Darkness(c) an industry standard.
7	Nuclear engineers	One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
50	Photographers	One to do it, and forty-nine to say, "I could have done that."
all of them	Engineers	One to do it, and the rest of them to say "I could have done it better."
19	Physicists	One to calculate the thermodynamics of the lightbulb screwing in, one to ponder whether anything important will occur as a result of the light bulb being screwed in, 6 to reopen the wormhole through which the other 8 disappeared and 3 don't exist.
-	Programmers	They won't touch it; it's a hardware problem.
-	Support Engineers	Actualy someone has to phone about the problem so that they can write a ticket on how to change it.
1	Psychotherapists	One, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.
	Statisticians	One -- plus or minus three, nineteen times out of twenty.
16	Union electricians	One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, ten on paid holiday and one to nap and one to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night and get paid time-and-a-half.
People
1	Lost characters	One, with the process taking fifteen episodes.
-	Feminists	None, they can't change anything
5	Folk Singers	One does it while the other four sing about how much better the old one was.
-	Male Chauvinists	Who cares? Let her cook in the dark.'
0	Courtney Slaten	Courtney Slaten isn't a nationality. It's a cheesecake.'
1	Men	Men'll screw anything.
2	Mice	Experiments have shown that two mice can screw in a lightbulb if both of them are small enough to fit inside.
1	Egocentrics	He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
???	Kids with ADD	... wanna go play football?
69	Oversexed teens	Wait, what's that about screwing?
-	Vin Diesel	He can't, since the light bulb breaks when he punches it in the face.
-	Samuel L. Jackson	He leaves, because he's tired of these motherfucking bulbs in this motherfucking joke.
1	Uncyclopedians	Only the admins know how to screw in a lightbulb. The rest of the site is just too stupid to figure out how a lightbulb works.
1	Women	One to nag at the husband till she finally breaks in and does it herself.
-	Women with PMS	None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
1	Time Travelers	For when it absolutely, positively needs to be done yesterday.
∞	Wikipedians	One to request the process of screwing the lightbulb (not always necessary), one to start the process of screwing the lightbulb, hundreds to continue the process, one to put a template saying that the methodology is wrong, one to put a template saying that the methodology is right, hundreds to revert which template is put on the page, hundreds to vandalize the lightbulb, hundreds to revert the vandals, hundreds to discuss the methodology, four or five to start an edit war, one sysop to ban those involved the edit war, a few hundred more to debate the methodology, two to create userboxes represent one's stance on the methodology, one to complain that the userboxes clutter the template namespace, one sysop to delete the userboxes, one sysop to restore the userboxes, hundreds to flame others over the methodology, hundreds more to think linking to WP:CIVIL counts as a rebuttal, hundreds to.... oh, #### it.
Philosophy
-	Emo kids	They prefer to sit in the dark and cry about it.
1	Platonists	One. But it isn't really a lightbulb. It's just an imperfect physical manifestation of the perfect lightbulb.
2	Surrealists	One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
-	Nihilists	They just don't care.
2	Zen masters	One to screw in the lightbulb and one not to screw in the lightbulb.
2	Freudians	One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold #########--I mean the ladder!.
Politics
1	George W. Bush	Just himself, but it takes forever to screw it in, then some more to stabilize the situation. And lots of people will die, while the bulb didn't even get changed in the first place.
1	John Kerry	Just himself, but it takes at least 6 months to gain UN approval. And then he'll change his mind and say the old one was better.
-	Marxists	None, because inside every light bulb lie the seeds to its own revolution.
252	Socialists	One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
-	Vietnam Veterans	You don't KNOW, because you weren't THERE. It was HORRIBLE man!
10	Bureaucrats	Three to fill in the requests for buying the bulb in triplicate, one to fill in the requests for holding the bulb, one to have a petition about screwing the bulb in, one to give the bulb to the in-screwer, one for interviewing the bulb and reading over it's resume, one to screw it in, one to fill in the request for testing the bulb and one for testing the bulb after ordering proper safety equipment.
Religion
-	Buddhists	They won't touch it; change must come from within.
Total
	Average number of people to change a light bulb.

Please submit any other numbers you may know in order to facilitate worldwide lightbulb installation. Specifically requested are the numbers of Lesbians, or Mexicans required to change a light bulb.