Today's featured article
 You can watch Uncyclopedia, but you aren't allowed to shag the sheep.
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Sockpuppeteering, and excessive throwing of hissy fits - sentenced to one week to become sane again, JeffArch. If that's possible. (more...)
Yesterday's featured article
When one intends to rob a bank, the best plan is to have a plan. It's like those alliterating bastards always say, proper planning prevents piss poor productivity. As such, plan on having a plan. Make sure this plan you plan is planned well, unless you plan on planning some jail time, too. The best plan of them all, however, is not for the faint of heart. It is as illegal as it is dangerous, and would lower your societal position to new depths. You'd be lower than an adulterer. Lower than a murderer. Lower than the rapingest rapist ever to rape a rapee. Lower than the economy. Lower than the moral sensitivity of that guy in the mental institution. However, you'd be fucking richer than those guys on Wall Street, so get in there and rob a bank with your penis. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that misogynaecology holds that the best sort of doctors for women's conditions are men with a deep seated hatred of and disdain for women?
- ...that Jesus can walk on water?
- ...that your love is my love?
- ...that no one loves you not?
- ...that Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dick?
- ...that in the last 5 minutes, 20 movies were made about penguins?
- ...that Fanfiction.net, originally formed to distribute Harry Potter slash/fiction, was created by Josef Mengele as a means to test the limits of human endurance?
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In the news
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- Both Presidential campaigns are devoting all their remaining funds to one voter.
- Bank Marathon to replace Bank Run in next olympics.
- Some of our bases have been repatriated. Hooray!
- KKK makes controversial decision to back Obama for president.
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On this day...
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October 13: International Paranoia Day
 - 54 - Claudius, Roman Emperor (b. 10 BC) is assassinated by the C.I.A. Historians say this is impossible because the C.I.A. wasn't in existence yet... which is exactly what the C.I.A. would like to have you believe.
- 1792 - Cornerstone laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
- 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
- 1937 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky has a bunch of unpainted helicopters sitting around his factory, and gets a deal on 5000 gallons of black paint. The Black Helicopter is invented. You'd have to be pretty naive to think this was just a lucky coincidence.
- 1939 - Nothing happened in Germany! We were all on vacation! ALLE NATIONE WERDEN SICH UNTER DEUTSCHLAND VERBEUGEN!!!
- 1947 - Nothing happens at Roswell (wink wink).
- 1949 - First meeting of the Trilateral Commission... or is it?
- 1950 - Campaign to flouridate the water supply begun by Communists.
- 1951 - Members of The Resistance discover that tin foil can block mind control rays.
- 1955 - The. U.S. Government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
- 1965 - CIA begins spiking the water supply with LSD. The next five years are a fucking blast.
- 1968 - NASA works feverishly to build the sets for the 1969 "moon landings".
- 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
- 1981 - C.I.A. begins research into several devious weapons which will allow them to covertly destroy the fabric of American society, including crack cocaine, AIDS, and Celine Dion.
- 1983 - An automotive engineer invents an engine that runs for 1000 miles on a gallon of water. He disappears 3 days later and is never seen again.
- 1999 - They start following me, first its at a distance, but by October they are no more than 100 yards away at any one time.
- 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, the Vatican, the Frito-Lay company, and the Cub Scouts.
- 2001 - Now they have bugged my telephone, and I am telling you the apartment opposite has a camera facing into my rooms.
- 2006 - William Shatner still on TV. I'm telling ya, there's gotta be a conspiracy behind that one.
- 2007 - Bob Barker is still alive, despite rumors of beliefs that he is suspected to be 124 years old.
- 2008 - CIA disbanded... or is it just the beginning?
- 2010 - That Guy is spotted on the roof with a rifle of some sort...
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| Colonization of the Week
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Frank Zappa
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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