Melbourne
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“Melbourne's all like, all shit and stuff. Yeah.”
~ A common Sydneysider
“Oh gawd *facepalm*”
~ Person from anywhere but Melbourne
“What a promising city”
~ Mafia on Melbourne
“we will look into it”
~ a terrorist on Melbourne
Melbourne (Melbornenesis slutae) is a city in Australia, Melbourne positions itself as the sport, fashion and intellectual epicentre of Australia and then flies in the face of conventional norms by hosting some of the most ignorant and worst dressed citizens in the entire universe, with the exception of Brisbane. Melbourne was invented in 1835 by Batman himself, who bargained with the local Aboriginal leaders and bought all the land in the area, in exchange for three blankets, the Joker, the Penguin, a Batmobile, and a broken iPod. Melbourne is often known as AC/DCburg outside of Australia, regardless of the fact they have nothing to do with Melbourne, apart from filming a film clip there. Yeah.
At first a small pastoral settlement, the city boomed when prospectors discovered some chicken nuggets in central Victoria. This triggered a chicken rush, as thousands of hopeful miners descended on the chickenfields from all over the world, hoping for some taste of those secret herbs and spices. Melbourne became one of the largest and wealthiest cities in the world, and was nicknamed Finger Lickin' Good Melbourne.
Melbourne was the biggest city in Australia for the next 40 years, the nation's capital for 27 years, and its most important city for 110 years. It even hosted the Olympics first! Then in the 1970s Melbourne got bent over by Sydney. Nobody can understand why, but that bastard Howard probably had something to do with it.
Today, Melbourne is regarded as Australia's cultural, sporting and emo capital. In contrast to its showoff, right-wing cousin to the east-northeast, Melbourne lacks any world-famous landmarks and feels unloved, hence the need for a large sport industry. The Shannon Noll classic, What About Me, saw its greatest success in insecure Melbourne as most Melburnians assumed the song was proposed as the city anthem. On the plus side, the city does have trams, and it also enjoys low crime rates due to the continuing presence of Batman. Or it could possibly be because of the perpetual football matches, in which the majority of "suss" people of Melbourne are gainfully (and we use this word loosely) employed in something other than petty theft and anal rape, which is what instinct normally drives them to. This is why Melbourne is the most fabulous and liveable city in the world, except during the non-football season, during which decent folk seal up their houses and play endless monopoly, praying that someone won't kick a footy into their petunias.
The city was known as Kirnergrad, until the slow collapse of the Union's Republic of Victoria between 1989 and 1992, and reverted back to Melbourne after the 1992 coup lead by Jeff Kennett.
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[edit] Family System
The Melbourne system of family, is indeed unique in Australia. All families consist of a brother from another mother, one selection of a single mother or father, and John So as your brother.
It is a little known fact to those outside of Melbourne, but if you live in the city, John So is in fact, your bro. He's my bro. And your bro. He's everyone's bro, and there are t-shirts to prove it. The appointment of an asian Mayor proves the extent of Melbourne's multiculturalism once and for all, and also provides fodder for racists, as if they were running out of things to complain about.
[edit] Geography
Melbourne is located right down at the scrotum-end of the world. It's at least a 24-hour flight from anywhere half-decent so one must make do with hard drugs, better known as euthanasia. If you pass the international date line on the way here, you arrive at an earlier time than you left, and also collect $200.
Situated around a bay of some sort, this city is blessed with an abundance of natural beauty - enough to fill Michael Jackson's left nostril (the one that is in formaldehyde in his surgeon's office). It even boasts a yummy shit-brown chocolate river just like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Do try it! It didn't kill Jackie Chan so it has to be safe.
Melbourne is located 75km from Geelong, a lovely rustic town best viewed at high speed in a bullet proof vehicle. Werribee is another lovely day trip, famous for its world class emo style excrement farm. Coming soon to Werribee is a new theme park, with aims to attract tourists to the exiting asshole of Melbourne. The whole city actually has its basements as well, which is for keeping all sport nuts from around the whole world.
Melbourne is so big it takes a huge effort to get out of the bloody place, not even the government can reduce urban sprawl, the city will soon eat Victoria and perhaps Tasmania, if it has room for dessert.
Future Victims
- Werribee
- Melton
- Geelong
- The whole Peninsula of Mornington
- Florida - has already started to take hold
- The whole Southern Hemisphere of the Planet
- It's got its eye on Paris, too
It is thought that Melbourne will be visible by the naked eye from space in 5 years time, however, soon in Melbourne naked eyes nor naked anything else will be visible, thanks to Kevin Rudd's conservative views on nude art.
[edit] Education
Melbourne is the only place in the whole world that has exactly 349085.75 Private Schools in the one suburb (Kew).
- Ivanhoe Grammar School has the honor of being the only school in its Melbourne not to be owned by Subway; it is owned by Microsoft. Therefore, it is considered illegal (and immoral) by school rules to have in your possession a computer running Mac OS or any OS other than Microsoft. All Apple products are also banned from school grounds. Breaching these rules is punishable by death, carried out by the Howard Youth. (The Howard Youth have strong presence in Victorian private schools like Ivanhoe Grammar.)
Methodist Ladies College (MLC) - Complete with new found motto of "I Love MLC" what is there not to like about the "School of the Year" in 2002 (and yes they still go on about that). Other than the collection of Melbourne’s ugliest girls; who are all, hella bent on winning sport through threat of reproducing. After all, at MLC there is a "World of Choice" in the midst of “Celebrating Diversity” while each student prides herself on being a "Leader of Self".
- Inner metropolitan melbourne harbours many tertiary educational institutions renown for their amounts of students who pride themselves in wearing tweed, bad capitalisation and grammar, ridng motorscooters and consuming lattes. They will graduate from their courses clothes-conscious and in particular with fetishes with fancy hairstyles and calico bags. And for certain students, absorbed in teritary life they will graduate with polypharmacy raging through their bloodstream. See Melbourne University.
- Child care and creche centres remain the benchmark of quality education and their fees rival those of the tertiary schools.
- Essendon grammar.. Ivanhoes angry brother school, mainly consists of apple computers.
- Haileybury College has been recently noted in the top 70 schools in the world in terms of termites to student ratio. The students (all on scholarships) are quite proud of the termite free classrooms which is in stark contrast to Scotch College which was listed much lower on the list. It is believed however that the termites were on scholarships like the other 99.9% of Haileybury.
“The termite problem at Scotch has been over exaggerated”
~ Dr F.G. Donaldson AM on termite problems
The termites are yet to comment.
Other schools and their attractions include:
- Xavier College - See the effects of steroids when used on children from birth. You will be jumped on by students high on pot then get pushed down a hill in a wheelie-bin.
- Firbank - "we don't become doctors, we marry them"
- Wesley College - Laugh at kids wearing purple. Later, ask them for smack.
- Haileybury College - 'Where every student is on a scholarship'. Apart from Nick Mackley And Sean O'Malley who are Awesome and sexy!
Luke Albury Is a Fuckwit Homo!
- Scotch College - Well known for laughing at poor people, kicking the homeless and pretending that they are better than everyone else simply because of the depth of their pockets. Avoid at all costs.
- St Kevin's College - Known for having the second most fruity blazers after Wesley. Claim they are good at sports when they clearly aren't.
- Trinity Grammar - Excessively play RPG games on outdated emulators
- Melbourne Girls Grammar - Tries too hard to be like MLC and and shows signs of desperation and poverty all the way from Melbourne Grammar.
- Nazareth College - A catholic co-ed school located in drugged up hole that is Noble Park The new principal aka Hitler is trying to brainwash the students to believe that the school is better that it really is, when in fact it's had countless smashed windows and bomb threats. Avoid at all costs, unless you want to get stabbed and\or mugged.
- Carey Grammar - Proof that fairies exist.
- Toorak College - The biggest gathering of Oompa Loompa wannabes since tryouts for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: The Musical.
- Melbourne High School - A school, the moto of which states: "We're not arrogant, we just know we're good". A selective state school that boasts the biggest congregation of Asians outside of their natural habitat of Springvale.
- MacRobertson Girls High School - A pound.
- Tintern Girls Grammar School - the school forever trying to decide who they are since the invasion of the new principal Jenny Collins (formerly from MLC) who's vocabulary consists of the one word "cohort" who insists on turning them into an Anglican version of MLC. (definition: cohort - group of ready soldiers, spawning group of fish etc.)
- Salesian College "Rupertswood" - OK, not actually in Melbourne, but noteworthy for the marijuana grown by the agriculture students distributed worldwide. Its principal, Father Chambers, has a plot to take over the world by forcing them all to wear the goofy blue school uniform at all times.
[edit] Chip on the Shoulder
Residents of Melbourne are balanced people as they have a chip on both shoulders when it comes to Sydney. They can't get over that the world just adores Sydney more (or that the world doesn't know about Melbourne - it knows about the Sydney Opera House, and that's about it).
[edit] Climate
Unlike the rest of the world, which has four seasons in a year, Melbourne has four seasons in one day. In fact Crowded House (who New Zealanders bleat and whinge about being from New Zealand, when in actual fact they were founded in Melbourne) even wrote a song about it. Melburnians are extremely proud of this, and will never shut up about it, causing Melburnians to be rated as "the most boring [but world-class] conversationalists on earth" for their compulsive obsessiveness when it comes to talking about the weather and sport. Melburnians also have a clever phrase "if you don't like the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes and it will change!". And of course, if it doesn't change, you can always just paint your fingernails black and/or go join the emo scene. Or maybe you should go and have a look at its basements where all "Resident Evil" zombies are hidden. You can't tell if the zombies are emos or emos are zombies. They all looked pretty much the same!
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"It's lol when it's 45 degrees one day then 2 weeks later it's 10 degrees, it deserves a rofl when it's almost winter and it was 18 degrees overnight"; the next day's maximum was a mere 10 degrees. The confusion is caused by a distinctive feature of the Melburnian dialect wherein "overnight" is used to mean "when the sun is shining" and "winter" is used to mean "summer".
A typical weather report in Melbourne sounds like "Morning spring, possible winters clearing followed by brief patches of summer and a partly autumn afternoon. A top of 13 and 21 and 19 degrees." To distinguish them from these pretend seasons, the 'real' seasons of the year are therefore known to locals as Tennisummer, Grandprixautumn, Footywinter, and Springracingspring.
People from Sydney love to whine and complain gratuitously about how miserable and cold Melbourne is, which may surprise and confuse the American tourist (that they all kill with angry koalas) who visits the city in what one half of the planet knows as "summer", when, on any particular day it might be 38 degrees Celsius and hellishly bright and sunny in Melbourne, or if you happen to come from Iceland. Notwithstanding the unbearable heat, you will still hear Australians all around you complaining about how cold and miserable the weather in the city is. In particular, Melbourne's Flinders Street Goths, of which there are a countless number, are extremely proud of Melbourne's alleged coldness and climatological misery despite the fact no one gives a fuck. It snowed in melbourne once...in the 1930's...for about 20 minutes; There were seven deaths.
[edit] Tourism
- Be wary of Australian Wildlife! Pay attention to travel warnings and defer nonessential travel during dropbear season
Ooh, trams. Meh. I wouldn't bother, if I were you. The only thing to see is the Yarra River, famed for being the only river where 'The bottom flows on the top'. (The word 'bottom', of course, refers to the fact that the river contains 40 times the lethal dose of human and animal faeces. Drinking the water is known to cause nearly every disease imaginable...bad breath).
However there is a free city circle tram, which is overcrowded with bogans which are Australia's most famous and iconic animal so you can get a real feel of Australian wildlife.
The heroin-paved streets of Fitzroy are also popular for the famous local greeting of "Fuggin', ya fuggin', fuck ... FUCK. Shit. Fuckin, fuggin, fuggit. Cunt." (vomits) "Gi's fiddy cen.", a reference to a Rap Singer. Oh, and apparently there are some good goth clubs there. We know this because every Australian goth insists on telling you if you talk to them for more than thirty seconds. I suppose you could try talking to them for less than thirty seconds, though; or better yet not at all.
There is also a cafe in *Box Hill where tourists can enjoy a coffee and cake while watching 17 drop bears compete for supremacy. Unfortunately drop bears compete for supremacy by seeing who can eat the most tourists. surely it is only a matter of time before Darth Howard makes this cafe an illegal immigrant and throws it in Woomera Detention Centre. But until then, the tourists and locals in Melbourne's fantabolous outer west have 17 drop mad drop bears to fear. And they'll do it. Trust me I've seen it, all innocent, then WHAM!!! You're DEAD. but the funniest thing in the world is seeing someone who is not you getting mauled by a drop bear.
[edit] Local Laws
In Melbourne, Australia it is the law for men to wear either a suit or sporting gear, anyone that doesn't like sport is banished to the Albury/Wodonga Border.
Also, it is illegal to hunt the native wild centipedes without special permission from the Cheese Council, which is controlled by John So who is probably the most amazingly super awesome Melbournian ever in history.
If you are enjoying a stroll in Richmond, it is custom to salute the 70 story tall statue of the Kintiser twelve times, then kiss a football or eat dirt maggot. Never wait for the little green man, just cross the road whenever the hell you want. THe symphony of car horns that follow are actually praise for your bravery and to-hell-with-everyone-else attitude.
Everyone in Melbourne must support all sports that Melbourne takes part in, Football, Cricket, Basketball, Netball, Soccer, Gridiron (Yep, only they give a crap about that!) and every other sport thinkable!
[edit] The Dark Side of Melbourne
At the dawn of time, there was an epic battle between good and evil. As both sides were evenly matched, neither could defeat the other and a stalemate ensued. Seeing that the battle was pointless, the leader of the Light and the Dark agreed on a truce. Neither side would attack the other and thus began an uneasy peace.
The forces of evil were subdued, but not defeated. Both sides awaited the coming of the Chosen One which would herald the Final Battle (A game of Football, whatever code is up to you) and decided the fate of the universe. Until then, both sides bade their time, in preperation.
But what became of the Dark? After the truce, they were given parts of Melbourne as part of the Balfive Declaration. They now reside in and around Flinders St Station . Visitors to Melbourne are warned not to approach the area without a armed guard or a shitload of garlic. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
The residents of this zone are known as Evil Monstrous Others (E.M.O s). They enjoy wearing dark clothes and are almost always either smoking or listening to their iPods.
It should be noted that if one is caught in this dark zone without protection, it is advisable to flee to St. Paul's Cathedral. It is physically impossible for an E.M.O. to enter this holy sanctuary. It should also be noted that it is great fun to forcibly drag an E.M.O. into the Cathedral and watch them burn as they cross the threshold.
The dark side of Melbourne is also where children fleeing from New Zealand end up. The most notorious of these is Hamish Blake, a cellist and "comedian". World famous asshole Gordon Ramsay reigns supreme in this war-ravaged part of Australia.
[edit] "We can have commercialism too!"
Seeing that Sydney( ahaha.. Sydney..) had become the mecca of faux trendy coffee shops and cancerous fried dough treat depositiories, Melbourne has seen a dramatic increase in the number of Starbucks, Gloria Jeans (Another American owned coffee giant), Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and other human conversion centres throughout the cityscape. Desperate to get one up on Sydney or at least appear as cool and trendy, Melburnians are being encouraged to throw off the favour of small 'quality' coffee shops and traditional cafe's and to replace them with generic churn consumerism by partaking in massive intakes of awful American crap. Progress is good and now its virtually impossible to find a slim attractive woman in Melbourne. Not much has changed.
The plan backfired slightly though because like every city in Australia the coffee tasted like crap (and still is), but at least now you can buy it in a "Double-soy-decafe-triple story-grand-viente-supreme-maximus-15-gallon-8-litre-American-style with a twist of lemon and three sweeteners" or in a "Asian-penis-sized" paper cup.
If you're dying to have men in a big, phallic car scream obscenities at you, Melbourne can't be beat. Melbourne's 'Commodore Poets' driving their "Mario Karts" will find something at least partially intelligible to scream at you.
Melbourne is heavily populated with Architects. Rednecks from Sydney and Queensland commonly complain that they feel like the only non-Architect in the street when in Melbourne. Ergo, these Architects contribute one of the other strange Melbourneisms which is the obsession with building stupid looking stuff. The Centenary Arch, Federation Square, Bolty Bridge, Box Hill and Southern Hot Cross Station are a few prime examples. All of these stupid buildings, however, have a function - including the Eureka Tower. They all have city wide escape potential... an eject seat. By going into Federation Square, you are showing that you really want to leave the city via air. Take care when using this method as weather systems can affect it. Also a parachute is not provided and this should also be taken into account when selecting your landing site. Also, ALL care should be taken to avoid Flinders Street Station at all times. The congregating emos have been known to cause suffocation in passerbys, and this is not helped by the fact that they all just really smell bad. Hungry Jacks AKA Fatty Burgers 2 AKA Burger King has been known to be an emo hideout. Beware = They are more awesome than you.
[edit] Things to do in Melbourne
- Get an undergraduate degree at Melbourne University
- Do the Melbourne Shuffle (see: Epilepsy or Bboy BT)
- Get abused by Yobboes
- Attempt to perform a hook turn
- Develop a paranoia of speed cameras
- Be attacked by some local Australian Wildlife
- Waste your money by buying a ticket
- Or refuse to purchase said ticket and apologize for any inconvenience caused
- Leave before you develop an incurable case of depression
- Thank god you don't live in Brisbane.
- Go to Wesley College and learn that purple is a shit colour for a blazer
- Go To Kyle Bennets Ranch in Geelong!
- Hang out at Leopold Sk8 Park!
- Get A Blow Job From Katrina Johnson
- Find Chris Slatter Eating Your Dry Wall!
- Watch shit like Today Tonight
- Rip some 'fully sik free demoz' up and down Chapel Street and any McDonalds carpark. Preferably the one in Chapel Street.
- Go have muck up day at Xavier College
[edit] Transport
Melbourne is home to the largest tram network in the world. Often cited as one of the city's main tourist attractions, despite the fact that it is of no interest to anyone. The tram network is frequently discussed as a method of reducing carbon emissions through greater use of public transport. This fails to take into account less than 7% of journeys are by tram. In addition to this Melbourne also offers some normal trains that run on tracks. They can usually be caught from Flinder's Street Station when you aren't being mugged.
The primary mode of transport in Melbourne is the VL Commodore. 98% of Melbourian's own or have owned a VL Commodore at some stage in their lives. It is commonly seen as a rite of passage to own a turbocharged example with a large dose pipe or blow-off valve. It is expected that you perform a "sick" burnout (usually with one wheel) at least every 100 metres. Failure to do so will likely attract attention from the VicRoads & lessen chances of attracting females.
Another favourite Melbourne pastime is avoiding being hit by large vehicles, "Toorak Tractors". Try avoiding being hit by one of the unreasonably large Ford Terrortories so popular on Melbourne streets. Try avoiding being hit by the teenager driving the Plastic Toy Toyota with lots of stickers, a fat exhaust pipe and a "sick subwoofa, mate". Try avoiding being hit by the disgruntled middle-age housewife driving her Camry down the footpath on the wrong side of the road. Or for that real Melbourne flavour, try avoiding getting hit by a taxi. The drivers tend to be young and mentally-retarded or old and rather senile. A large majority only just got off a boat from god knows where yesterday too, so their grip of the road rules can be a little dodgy (i.e. non existent).
I have discovered during my travels that the large metal boxes with, 'Connex' written on them tend to be either unwilling or unable to stop within 5 seconds and they will hit you so you want to avoid jumping in front of those. They also have a habit of leaving the tracks and following you home, so if you are walking home from the shops and see a 6 carriage train behind you hiding behind trees and bushes it might be best to call the police and they will have it destroyed at the earliest possible opportunity. Don't even think about travelling on them because their trains are shit!
The roads in Melbourne are built to a sensible grid system, rather than the paved six-lane goat tracks of Sydney, which makes escape easier. (The grid is not quite aligned to true north, so the authors of the most popular street map can print it skewed on every one of their hundreds of pages, just to prove they're so anal they alphabetise their underwear.)
[edit] Famous Revolutionaries
It is a little-known fact that the former Liberal Premier of Victoria, the Dame Dark Lord Jeff Kennett, was actually a genetic hybrid between Josef Stalin and Sauron. His attempt to make public transport run to schedule failed after the Labor Hobbits led by the former ruler Steve (I'll look into it) Bracks, wielding his mighty +4 hand mirror of Whitlam, redirected his precious CityLink toll-way to the toxic waste dump being constructed in the middle of the state's farming region.
The Kennett era in the former Union's Republic of Victoria saw the rise of ethnic tensions between factions of the former republic, and resulted in the 1993 to 1996 invasion and siege of Dandenong by neighbouring Frankston, and saw the Frankston militia ethnically clense Mt. Eliza and Berwick of ethnic bogan minorities. Following intervention by peacekeepers from Gippsland and Mornington Peninsula, this lead to the formation of the autonomous region of City of Greater Dandenong within Victoria.
Former AFL superstar and part-time prime minister Harold Holt was captured and eaten by Mexican Revolutionaries who eventually got their name on a tin of biscuits in 1985. It is not yet known if Harold Holt has reached such heights, although there is a pool in the Southern suburbs of Melbourne after which Harold Holt himself was named. Spokespersons for the pool were unavailable for comment at time of printing.
[edit] Recent Events
Very recently some crazy Yank posing as a terrorist said that Melbourne will be the next target of Paris Hilton wannabes. Unfortunately, he said "Mel-Bo-Ror-Ni", so nobody took any notice until the little asshole chihuahuas came flooding in. In reaction to this most Australians have requested to know the exact time and place of this attack so it can be televised, preferably at a time appropriate for family viewing and with enough notice to make enough popcorn to go around. There was a large debate between Melbourne and Sydney about which city was the `bestest` to be blown up; Bracks still has `dibbsies` on Melbourne.
Steve Bracks, Ex Dear Leader of Victoria announced a grand and extravagant tax-payer funded party in order to celebrate Melbourne's status as 'World's Most Bone-able City'. He then made this relevant statement; "The Bracks government governs for all Victorians, whether they be, witches, sorcerers, Goths, magicians, scene kids, socialists, bogans, Marios or Fitzroy supporters. The Bracks government does not, however, govern for wannabe Victorians who want to move to Queensland. Victoria - love it or leave it."
[edit] Steve Bracks's Death
The lovable and huggable Leader of the sport/architectural capital of the world died last month in the Unnecessary-Bolty Bridge Collapse of 2007. The cause of this collapse was due to the Gremlins were angry at Steve for stealing their Beer. The decision to build the strange-looking and unnecessary towers that span the Bolty Bridge (one of Melbourne's most-purple architectural wonders (and the Eight Wonder of the Modern World) was a much debated decision. In the end, it was decided to build it, despite the unnecessariness of the project. However, last month, after being struck by a giant emu (though some say it was an emo) which had flown of course on its way to the North pole. The towers that served absolutely no purpose (except to be purple, reflecting their admiration for the blazers of Wesley students) toppled over themselves ten times before landing on the head of beloved leader Steve Bracks. He was the only casualty in this incident. At the same time a certain terrorist broke into his home in Williamstown. The perp stole several valuable items including his favourite vibrator, spray painted random slogans on the wall including "OWNT" and "Fucking Labour Arsehole" and also had sex with his daughter. He then left the home quickly leaving behind a trail of chaos, destruction and one damn satisfied daughter.
His sudden demise was mourned deeply by the people until he was replaced by former Pirate John Brumby, the CEO of Brumby's bakery and breeder of wild horses (especially silver ones*).
(*The Silver Brumby was a very popular play written by famous Australian poet Banjo Paterson and later adapted into the movie The Silver Brumby, a 1936 smash starring Clark Gable, Fred Astaire and The Wizard of Oz (before his boigraphical tragedy - a movie named after him). The Silver Brumby is also the name of a prestigious Melbournian-invented sandwich.) Mmm...sandwich.
