Ori
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The following article has been deemed blasphemous by The Ori. You can serve The Ori on their crusade to spread the way of Origin across the Galaxy by dousing the unbelievers in hot oil and setting them alight. Only then will the living be purged and ready to tread the path to eternal Enlightenment.
“Ori, hmmm......That's not really impressive. It's just three letters.”
~ SG-1 on The Ori
“We were replaced by these guys!!”
~ The Goa'uld on The Ori
“Hallowed are the Ori!!”
~ Some Ori Prior
“I tried to have sex with an Ori once. The bastard nearly burned my boys off.”
The Ori are a race of ascended beings that are really, really hallowed. They were just minding their own business like good little gods, until one day Dr. Jackson felt compelled to go start a war with them. But Jackson was just jealous that he wasn't ascended and hallowed anymore. That jerk. Hallowed are the Ori.
Contents |
[edit] History
The Ori and the Ancients began as a single race, until the Ori returned home from a high school production of West Side Story one day and discovered that, not only had the Ancients eaten their entire supply of chocolate pudding, but they had also left in their ship. The Ori became an emotional mess, and turned to alcoholism. As part of a court mandated detox, the Ori were sent to AA, where they found religion. After that, they got a little too involved in their local church. Shortly thereafter, the Ori ascended to a higher plain of existence. They then proceeded to make non-ascended beings worship them to help with their own emotional wounds. Hallowed are the Ori. Suprisingly, Michael Jackson is an Ori. He helped hallow many little boys' bottoms.
Their friends, the Doci and the Priors (A famous alternative rock band) helped them off their alcohol addiction, which was difficult despite the fact that ascended beings can not actually consume alcohol at all. It was a long road to recovery, yet they eventually managed to remain sober, somehow, though an encounter with the Spice Girls did not help matters. However, after a short while they became alerted to the presence of the Ancients in the Milky Way galaxy. Old feelings resurfaced, and the Ori once again fell on hard times. Hallowed are the Ori.
[edit] Recent Occurrences
Doci and the Priors, determined to help their friends get revenge on the Ancients, travelled to the Milky Way and starting singing about how great the Ori are, occasionally also doing an interpretive dance. Their greatest hits so far have been "Hallowed are the Ori", "Hallowed are the children of the Ori", and "Hallowed are we". They have turned many to the way of the Ori through this inspirational music. The Ori themselves have recently taken up stamp collecting and Zelda Classic as hobbies. It is also believed that they have taken to having sex with Vala in order to create the Orici who can cheat at Monopoly. Hallowed are the Ori.
Due to a slight mishap, with a Prior on PXY-3.14159265358979323846, they now worship a chocolate cookie with a creamy center, instead of ascended beings of fire. Hallowed are the Oreo.
[edit] Creation of Bad Ori (Atlantians)
The once great Doci of the Ori, Doci Dewayne, took matters a little too far when he pimped his bitches one too many times and porked the Orici by mistake. Although this wasn’t really a big deal, it caused a rift in the force when another powerful Doci, Doci Palpatine (later revealed to be Lord Sidious) was dating the Orici at the time.
Dewayne did battle with Palpatine, but the power of the force was too much. Dewayne and his followers fled in disgrace to the Milky Way Galaxy to start their own sect of fun loving pimps on an ocean resort known as Atlantis. Hallowed are the Dewayne’s of the Ori.
[edit] The Book of Origin
Approximately ten thousand years ago the Ori got together and published a novel called The Book of Origin. It achieved high ratings from the critics of the time and the Ori have been quoted as saying they are thinking about writing a sequel, which would be called The Book of Origin 2: Ori Harder. The Book of Origin is known for its many wise proverbs, which include the following:
- One must expose thy own wrongdoings before exposing the wrongdoings of others
- When a man and a woman join together physically, the Ori will bless the wise with a child, and curse the unwise with cheese
- Never run with scissors unless we tell you to
- Always obey the rules of The Game
- A man who would lay down his life for a lesser creature is a man of pure heart
- One must not be faster than the lion, merely faster than his fellow prey
- Hollow are the Ori chocolates
- All of the rewards will be taken away when the meal is spoiled
- If the river is pure then the hands are clean
- When Hannor Mir fell from above and did not die on impact, only to be declared DOA at the hospital instead, 'that' was a miracle
- The Lions chose to hunt Chuck Norris, and of the members of their pride, there were no survivors
- One must not judge a book by its cover unless the publisher is Bloomsbury
- Thou shout not kill, unless thou art bored out of thy skull
- Jugglers are best viewed while drinking vodka
- CSPAN is best viewed while drinking vodka
- Everything is best viewed while drinking vodka
- Beggars can't be choosers and choosers are losers
- Better late than never
- When you assume you make an ass out of you and me
- Look before you leap or you'll leap into the wrong galaxy
- The best things in life are free... If you're an idiot
- A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell, so here's hoping you're the fool
- Beauty is only skin deep
- Silence is bronze, talking is silver, blogging is golden
- Jack of all trades, master of none
- Nothing ventured, nothing gained
- Always bet on red
- Life is too short
- Good things come to those who wait, so be patient, damn it
- Don't prevoke the Booba
- Be kind; rewind
- Are you going to eat that sandwich?
- YELLLOWWWWWW!!!!!!
- Hallowed are the Ori
- Hallowed are the Ori (I had to say it a second time, since the first one was a quote and therefore doesn't count as a real prayer, so SUCK ON IT)
[edit] Technology
[edit] Supergates
An Ori Supergate is, esentially, a giant Stargate. A common misconception regarding Supergates is that a planet is required to be blown up to power them. In reality, this is not true. The Ori destroyed that planet just because they could. They're cool like that. Supergates come in a variety of sizes, which includes the following:
- Big
- Bigger
- Biggest
- Huge
- Huger
- Hugest
- Oh My God You Could Fit An Xbox In That Thing
Please note that effectiveness will vary according to size. You must supply your own black hole. Hallowed are the Ori.
[edit] Warships
The Ori Warships (or, as more commonly referred to by their technical name, The Giant Toilets of Doom) are among the Ori's most advanced technologies. Powered by magic, love, and sometimes magic love, they are the Ori's first real line of offense before resorting to care bears. In keeping with the toilet theme, the Ori ships spew a giant stream of super-heated urine at the their enemies, which instantly penetrates any and all defenses. The source of the urine is unclear, but intelligence sources indicate it might be generated by their loyal followers. This would explain why the weapon's firing rate is so infrequent. None of this has been confirmed, however, since no one has actually observed the inner workings of the firing mechanism due to a distinct lack of volunteers for the recon mission. Hallowed are the Ori. These ships can now be destroyed by the Earth Ship Odyssey. Hallowed are the Ori.
It should be noted that the Supergate should not be used as a toilet brush as this will destroy the ship in an awesome CGI effect. Hallowed are the Ori.
[edit] The Orici
When an Ori loves a woman a lot, they create an Orici. This allows them to cheat at Ascended Monopoly by invading the Milky Way without the Ancients caring. It is believed that the mother of an Orici must be an unbeliever, must love sexual innuendos, and must repeatedly cheat on her husband with Daniel Jackson. Hallowed are the Ori.
