Soccer
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Soccer (known as football everywhere except the United States of America, where football is played with the hands and without and actual ball; what a country!) is a live-action adaptation of the game of foosball. It's easy to tell the difference between football and soccer: football is fun to watch, while soccer is fun to watch people make jokes about it.
Though a ball is used in soccer, the soccer players don't have balls[1]; if they did have balls, they'd be playing football or rugby[2], not a little girly game where they prance around the pitch in dainty tutus and knee-socks, drinking fancy teas and knitting doilies for their mums.
The main purpose of soccer is venting one's aggression about being a secret homosexual by making fouls against the other team's repressed homosexuals players. The viewers of the game prefer these fouls to be as hard as possible, ideally drawing blood and/or requiring lengthy stays in hospital.
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[edit] Debates over ball replacement
Many novice soccer fags mistakenly believe capturing the ball is the object of soccer; in fact, however, the ball is a mere prop used to aid in the making of fouls: when the ball is hit after a foul, this is an indication that play has continued and a new foul can be made. It has therefore been suggested by many observers that the ball be left out, and a more dangerous object, like a grenade or the head of Prince Charles be used to indicate continuation of play.
Although FIFA-chairman filip has stated he believes this would be a good idea he has recently been faging giving five important reasons why a ball should still be used: "First and foremost", Richards says in a Polish newspaper, "there can be no headers without a ball. Second, there would be less elbow-strikes without headers. Third, there would be less head-injuries without elbow-strikes. Fourth, there would be less head-bleeds without head-injuries. Fifth, that would be just absolute stupidity to watch."
[edit] History
[edit] Early History
Soccer Bongo! was invented by some early mammals shortly after the extinction of dinosaurs. Their brains were each roughly the size of a peanut, and their attention spans were about as advanced as cottage cheese. It was an amazing feat of luck that these creatures were able to invent the sport we now call soccer. Legend has it that these creatures originated in China. Therefore, we can safely assert that the Chinese invented football (based on their ancient game of kicking around a beheaded hooligan) because communists lay claim to every invention.
Even in the early days of soccer, Italians weren't allowed to play because it was a well known fact that they cheat, but somehow got to play in the last cup of worlds, not the world cup.
It was also invented by jewish amazons.(Abdul is jewish, for example).
[edit] Recent years
Bongo! was a very unpopular game, until several Bongo! players decided the name of the sport might be what was turning people off. Soccer sounded like a very violent name. However, Benjamin Franklin had already used the name for his very popular sport of Soccer. Therefore, the Bongo! players did the only thing they could - they armed themselves with shotguns and brutally massacred all the Soccer players. Three Soccer players were killed, leaving none left. Then the Bongo! players took over, renaming their sport Soccer. It still sucked.
Another similarly violent game which took place between the Solomon Islands and Sandwich Islands, resulting in 17 deaths, was recently replayed in the neutral location of Liechtensteinyo and some died the end omg omg omg omg omg omg omg <(-_-<) ^(-_-)^ (>-_-)>
The first game was in Greenland with Mexicans and Viking people.
Grant Clahsen is the best soccer player in the world. Everybody likes him, besides his sister. She sucks big balls.
[edit] Rules
The ball is a mere decoy to the real object of the game. The purpose of the round object is to trick the referee into looking straight at the ball rather than at what the players are doing, and to fool the referee into believing that you are, in fact being beaten to death by the opposing team. This is very effective as most games are decided by "fouls" that are given after a player (often the prettiest and poofiest in the team) dives to the ground after minimal or no contact from the opposition player. Bonus points are awarded for nutshots that result in involuntary bowel movement and sterilization. soccer used to be a man and women sport made for the bed. it was another way of jewish kinky in other words soccer is the most boring sport out there The most famous actor in modern soccer games is Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester the Best), linked with Real Madrid the acting club.
[edit] English Hooligans
The root of the word "Hooligan" is Indian and means "PISS OUT MY ASS!!!!!" The original Hooligans followers of the female god KYLE were notorious outlaws in late 1700s India.
In the early 1800s due to a lack of Tigers to be shot the British turned their attention to eradicating Hooligans, which they did with some success. With the downfall of the British Empire the cult of the Hooligan came to England with returning service men. It lay dormant for many years only spoken of in secret. Until the late 20th century and the deification of soccer. This coupled the skill of kicking a ball for sport by 22 men; with the skill of kicking the shit out anyone who was not wearing the same colour shirt as you.
[edit] Ways to identify an England fan include
- A flag remarkably similar to that of Denmark will be painted and or/worn all over their body.
- They have a primitive form of language which you must listen for:
Their call sign to attract other England hooligans is a repeated chant of En-ger-land, En-ger-land (pronounced ing-ger-lund). Typical attack signs are: "Your going home in the back of an ambulance", "i'm going to break your bar up you french frog eating bastard". All patriotic England fans still regard WW2 as an ongoing conflict, and all Germans as the enemy. Racist German specific war cries are "2 World Wars and 1 World Cup, doo dah, doo dah" or "my grandad shot your grandad, doo dah, doo dah".
A more historically accurate version of "2 World Wars and 1 World Cup, doo dah, doo dah" would be "2 World Wars as part of international allied forces that took 6 years to defeat a small country and one world cup (compared to your three) won at home thanks to a dodgy linesman in extra time doo dah, doo dah."
All England fans should be treated in the same way as a large bear; try not to attract its attention and slowly walk away. Do not feed it under any circumstances.
English fans look nothing like these Brazilian Fans.
[edit] Ways to identify a Scotland fan
- Whether the tournament is in Zanzibar, the Galapagos or the Gaza Strip, there'll be about 500,000 of them (every time the journey is spoken of, an extra 100,000 will be added to this number), all pissed, confident of victory (victory = doing better than England) and wearing ginger wigs and kilts. Unfortunately, by the time they arrive the team will already be on their way back home. With no national team to distract them, Celtic and Rangers fans will resume killing each other ("die yer Feinian bastard!").
Or, more often:
- They'll be at home watching it on the telly or in pub cheering on whoever England are playing ("come orn ya wee Peluvian bastards, kill the wee English bastards!").
[edit] Ways to identify an American fan
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[edit] Futbol/Futebol/Socquer/Balompie
Futbol/Futebol/Socquer/Balompie are the Latin American terms for football. Latin America is big on this sport, hence its an alternative from selling crack to make quick cash in life if you are born poor. Also, if you're a Portuguese or a Spanish speaking and do not like soccer, you will be publicly executed in a town square via firing squad. Some of this events led to the soccer revolt of 1967.894. Also we have evidence of a war between Latin American states Honduras and El Salvador where the casus belli was a simple futbol match. Facts don't lie, futbol is a very dangerous game in that part of the world!
Some of the greatest soccer players of all time have come from here, like Jesu' Cristo do Brasil, tu vieja, and the greatest player recognized by most institutions Drug-o Maradona. In Latin America, 95% of all soccer matches end in a riot. In fact sportscasters measure the fan support by the number of people who died of stabbings, shootings, or through means of firecrackers in the genitals, when in other places they measure it by attendance.
There are rules to difference football from Futebol/Futbol:
- By the end of the match, there must be a ratio of 1 riot police to 3 fans.
- Tear Gas must be abundant.
- Portable Bathrooms must be burned.
- The referee must be bought.
- Firecrackers must be exploded in the genitals of fans from the other team.
[edit] Other Types of Foccer
- It should be noted that it is only referred to as "soccer" in English-speaking countries located in the Western Hemisphere, North of the equator, aside from Canada. In all other parts of the world, it is "Metric Football".
In keeping with the egalitarian spirit in these countries, there are other types of football.
- Canadian Football, 10 yards larger than American football, creates mass confusion among newspaper editors with their strange penchant for measuring everything as being "x football fields" in length.
- Australian Football, where everybody uses everything to do anything they think looks a bit tough.
- Foosball, where the players are held in place by spinning shish kebabs, thereby minimizing interpersonal contact that could be misconstrued (see Rugby).
- Rugby, where they play football(American) with no pads. You get to feel up other, hairier men in this sport due to the cross proximity and gay sex positions you find yourself in, in a so called "scrum". Consequently only a handful of the more gay countries in the world have ever heard of it. The French love it.
- Korean Soccer, thought to be a primitive form of the religion Communism.
- Gaelic Football, better known as Bogball
- Real football. Commonly known as invented by English, it was really developed by the Spartans who played with the skulls of their fallen enemies, similar to dodgeball's humble beginning's, minus the opium. Current polls show that 12 out of 4 citizens of the Milky-Way galaxy believe that this is the only form of 'Football' played by anything of a heterosexual orientation; the fudge-packing proponents of the other variants, however, believe that certain mathematical errors render this point moot.
- American Football. Played only by Americans, this is the version of football that actually requires testosterone. Additionally, when someone gets headbutted in the chest in the game of American football, no one cries about it, which further separates it from the game of soccer.
- Three sided football Figure it out for yourself...
- Spoof-ball, played by Hairy Hannon.
[edit] Leagues
- Tippeligaen, Norwegian soccer league. Most famous for the team Vål'enga, who's supporters spend 99 % of their time complaining about how much wealthier the fans of the team Lyn are. The last percent is used to drink, going to the toilet and shopping at the store called Fretex.
- Allsvenskan, Sweden soccer league
- European Hooligan Championship, held 2008 in Austria und Switzerland
- French League 1, France soccer league: no goals, no beautiful game. bought €600M by canal+ a french pay channel to see Troyes vs Valenciennes or Rennes vs Le Mans...
- Leverkusen League, with an one team and it finish in second place.
[edit] Footnotes
[edit] Players
- Drew Banfield
- Nezu Kazoma
- Amadou Konte
- Lionel Messi
- Aditya Patel
- Pele
- Kevin Kilbane
- Zidane the Punisher
- Jeru the Damaja
- Yo Momma
- Patrick Amba-Skibow
- David Beckham
- James Lasanc
[edit] Things to avoid
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[edit] Things not to avoid
 NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!The image you are looking at may not be work safe! If a boss or coworker saw this image, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied. |
 Probably the world's best soccer team. |
