Toilet
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- This article is about the porcelain thing for pissing and shitting into. For other definitions of the term Toilet, see Toilet (disambiguation)
“Are they talking the piss?”
~ You on Toilets
“I have to pay to use the toilet?”
~ Johnny Cash on The rising price of public conveniences
“This article is Toilet”
~ You on This Article
“It makes me feel flushed”
~ A toilet on poor toilet humour
“Public toilets are public right? So what are unpublic toilets? Unsocialble?”
~ Beecee on Toilet humour
“The place where you poop.”
~ Captain Obvious on Toilets
Argument exists as to who really invented the modern Toilet or shitter. Some say it was Sir Thomas Crapper (born September 1836) who's flushing u-bend proved very successful, but credit is also given to others such as Alexander Cummings. Don't belive me? Check out [1]. Who's the John now? You might point that out to your teacher next time they tell you off for saying the word "crap".
Before the modern U-bend, toilets were rather messy affairs where even kings such as Louis XVI (who was last to ascend the French throne) generally found themselves crapping out of the window. Thanks to Crapper, we now all enjoy relative hygiene, except in Spain where they haven't quite grasped the idea of plumbing yet.
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[edit] Toilet Rolls
The most important feature of toilet is the toilet roll. It is extremely important to distinguish the toilet roll from the edible form of roll, which is actually sandwitch (invented by Lord Sandwich). Assuming you have identified that you do in-fact have a toilet roll, and not a sandwich you may use the toilet roll for wiping your bottom, and may then eat the sandwitch. Uncyclopedia recommends that you wash your hands beforehand however. Men use the toilet standing, whilst woman use it sitting!
[edit] Controversy
There is currently certain forms of controversy being discussed in the Supreme Court of the United States over the correct way to use toilet paper. A large majority crumples their toilet paper, thus rendering most of the surface area unusable and making you A splode. The Smart people have done further study on the issue and resolved that the safest way to wipe is to neatly tuck and fold the material. This makes greater use of surface area and prevents further a sploding
[edit] Measurements
Mathematically, a toilet can be derived as: 
Where d is the diameter of the hole, and SHIT is the constant 1.6lbs, although some people have different values for this depending on the time of day, whether they use the metric or imperial measurement systems, or what was eaten the previous evening. One must also take into account the variables of available toilet paper and ventilation of the area. Poorly ventilated areas can result in inaccurate measurements and especially male users missing their intended target, thereby resulting in higher fares charged by the cleaning company.
[edit] Toilet trivia
- The recent collapse of the housing market has been blamed on potential buyers mistaking the "To Let" signs for public conveniences, often leaving their non financial deposits in nearby plant pots.
- Toilet and sanitary infrastructure are perpetually under attack by Sewerside Bombers. You might want to be standing well out of the way when the shit hits the fan.
- In England there is a specific governmental post to deal with the state of the nations toilets, known as the Lord Privvy.
- In April of 2007 New Scotland yard (the headquarters of British police) was brought to a standstill after a (formally constipated) felon finally managed to relieve himself completely blocking the entire sewerage system. An action was brought against the man, but the police had nothing to go on, and the case was finally discharged in court.
[edit] See Also
- Port-O-Potty
- Toilet roll
- Toilet Door Communication
- Toilet Pie
- Great English Toilet Revolt
- UnNews:Toilets Refuse to Take Any More Shit
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